My mind was in shreds. It had been a day since Kylo Ren had left and I was already rendered dry with an overbearing sense of loneliness.
I couldn't tell whether I felt this particular way because some twisted part of me missed Kylo Ren or if it was because I knew Five was so close in reach, yet so far away.
I stepped into the shower, toes flinching as they touched the chilled ceramic floor. Twisting the lever, the water begins, so cold at first that I shriek quietly; but then the stream thickens, warms and steam begins to rise. Though, the heat brings pleasure, the shower is just another confusing part of this ship. With its many buttons, functions and overbearing white tiles–even with my eyes closed beneath the water, I cannot seem to pretend I am anywhere else.
I turned the dial once more, changing the flow setting and releasing thousands of lukewarm drops that darkened my hair and trickled down my back. My eyes fell closed, over and over, each time showing me the images like photographs. Snow. Gunshots. Blood. General Hux... I snap my eyes open.
Stop it! I curse to my own subconscious. Think of something different. Anything different.
I close my eyes once more. Okay... brick walls... twisted vines... home? Yes, much better.
Tall grass. Blue skies. Warm breakfast. Linen sheets that smell of lavender. Five's smiling face. StarKiller. Kylo Ren. Strong hands. Cocoa eyes—stop!
My eyes lurch open once more and I can't think of why he always managed to sneak his way into my mind; my heart is pounding, mind empty. It's as if a hypodermic of adrenaline has been emptied into my stomach, dropping and twisting only when I think of him.
I shouldn't feel this way but my skin always tingles when I think back to the way he touched my arms and my heart beats erratically in my chest so hard that it threatens to fly out. There are butterflies in my chest but guilt in my stomach... I finally admitted to myself what this tension is that grows, but I was too afraid to say it: I liked him. I wished to be around him.
But I shouldn't!
I bathed my skin lightly with soap, taking careful notice not to touch the fading bruises that scattered my back and shoulders–bruises that he had caused. Kylo Ren was a man who lived in the shadows and who fought another man's war. I could never trust Kylo not to kill me and I could never be safe beneath his wrath. I shouldn't like any part of him.
I suppose, I should have a clear mind whilst he is gone and that these feelings will diminish for he is no longer here to distract me. But he leaves an aftertaste. So rich and warm, that I only fear I will never escape this conflict, never-mind his torture.
Turning the shower off, I huff and get out. My toes meeting a coarse mat. I wondered if the shower in Kylo's room was as bland as this one? I suppose that I will never know.
I eventually get dressed into my usual attire just from the habit of routine. Modest in all its mighty grey; my skirt and tucked in blouse are made of a rough fabric and is shaped long and loose. Commander September would say we should always keep our bodies hidden beneath these rags, for it is what we possess within that is important.
Bullshit. Everything they taught us, it's bullshit and I see it now. I want to tear this uniform to shreds and spit on it... but I don't, for I have never worn anything different nor do I own anything else. The First Order were smart to give me little and only a routine, for they know I will never know how to ask for more or know how to do any different.
My heart pangs because I know, I will never get that love I crave. I was never given it, nor will the First Order ever allow it. So, I just put my uniform on, covering my skin and bruises and lock my heart back up once more.
I reach for my headscarf and begin to tie it beneath my hair, but when my eyes meet my reflection in the mirror, I realise Kylo was right, that I looked like too much of a servant with it on; and I suppose I theoretically was, but Kylo Ren also told me I wasn't quite anymore.
I grin to myself. No I wasn't. I'm not Kylo's servant nor concubine, for there is a good somewhere in him that won't let me be and for that I am loyal and grateful – I guess you can't train a dog with only pain and electrocution.
All of a sudden, from nowhere came the sound of a ringing... alarm? Pulling me from my thoughts as I was brought back sharply into focus. The alarm could be described as something between a guttural cry and a shriek. It was infuriating, it grated my nerves and made me grind my teeth. But it was very effective as I followed it's piercing cry into the kitchen area.
Knitting my eyebrows together in question, I am met with the sight of a blue hologram shining from the kitchen counter. I had never seen anything quite like it before and I was weary beneath its sapphire hue.
'Incoming Call from Sector 2.17408.'
It's flashing words told me and my eyes squinted, "A call?"
'Speak to accept.'
"What?" I breathe, my confusion only growing. Who would be calling me? Was it for Kylo? I'll just ignore it because–
'Call Accepted.'
"Wait! No, no!" I suddenly gape with my hands held up defensively as if I could take back what I had just accidentally done.
"Six."
Suddenly, a miniature, blue Kylo Ren was standing on the counter, the hologram deflecting in the air every-once and a while. My jaw dropped. My heart leapt.
Kylo Ren raised an eyebrow. A shadow on once side of his unreadable features as he stood beneath the folds of his black robes.
"Kylo?" I squint.
I don't dare to move or even breathe, I'm frozen to the spot. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest and the hairs on my arms stand to attention as a thousand chills trickle down my spine. Is he really there or is it just my imagination? The beating gets louder and louder... surely, if he is truely here, he can hear this cacophonous thrumming rhythm.
"I almost thought you weren't going to answer my call," Kylo says. Okay, he is really here... but at the same time he isn't. He's just a little hologram of himself: so why am I so nervous?
"Oh, W-Well I don't really know how to use..." I retort, gesturing to him in front of me, "... This device?"
He stares right through me as if I was the hologram rather than him. "It came up with instructions did it not?"
"Yes, but I didn't particularly know if it was a call intended for you or not." I say.
Kylo Ren hums, clasping his hands over one another. The leather gloves hiding the thick veins and strong knuckles upon his pale tone. "Just remember the coordinates for next time I call you from over here."
Next time. Is Kylo Ren really going out of his way to talk to me?
I don't want to chew on my nails or lips, so I find myself gnawing on the inside of my cheek in attempts to suppress a giddy smile. Soon the taste of blood fills my mouth. "How is everything?"
To describe his facial expression would be like describing a blank sheet of paper. He could have been in a coma for all the life his face showed. But this was the way he had always greeted me: like I was nothing.
"She's nothing to me." His words to General Hux, echo in the back of my mind. They hurt like tiny paper-cuts and feel as cold as they were intended to be. It feels like concrete drying in my chest. I shouldn't be this hurt, but nothing seems to make sense about my feelings towards Kylo Ren.
"Fine..." Kylo hesitated.
This conversation was as dry as the food from the Dining Hall and now I wonder why Kylo had even called if he had no real purpose to.
"That's good–"
"I wanted to apologise." He suddenly cuts me off and each of his shoulders curled in towards his chest as if he was more apologetic that he had to apologise in the first place. There was a lot of things he could be sorry for but that didn't stop the flutter in my heart upon his words.
Kylo Ren was a statue, drilled down with a sense of being completely exposed and on display. Each of his gloved fingers were laced together with one another, holding himself together amidst his fragility. I can't stop him there though, I don't want to. I push harder, dig deeper and get what I want.
"Apologise for what?" I question as if I didn't understand what he was talking about.
I want the man within the cruel 'Kylo Ren' to come back and stay a little longer than those little glimpses I only get.
Even in the midst of pale blue, I can still see the way his breath hitches and the way his Adam's apple bobs when he swallows his... nerves?
"... For the other day in the Training Centre. You did so well when you moved that boot and I just want to apologise on behalf of General Hux ruining that moment for you," He pauses.
General Hux has ruined more than just a little moment, my mind curses.
"–And for the things I said..." He began, but didn't finish as if he wasn't actually sorry for anything, "I don't want to push you any further than you already are from me... if I wish to fulfil the duty given by the First Order." Kylo finishes delicately, as if he says it lightly I won't actually hear the ending.
At first, my whole body nearly goes weak. He doesn't wish to push me any further and yet here I am, fighting every urge within to open my hands and loving heart for they are inviting his savage soul. At those words I want him to physically be here to touch me with those rough fingers—but when he mentions it is only for the benefit of the First Order, I am grounded once again.
He doesn't care the slightest for my heart or soul like I long for the chance of good within his own. He only cares to please my enemy, to get me comfortable enough to spread my legs and give him a successor for the First Order.
"Is that all I will ever mean to you?" My voice cracks with a withdrawn volume, "A mere duty... a requirement you must complete for your Order?"
All at once my mind is screaming at my heart for getting too attached at the expense of nothing. Kylo Ren will never give me what I want, and deep down I knew this, but my heart still tries to mimic the beating of his own that it once bled into, that day in the Training Centre.
Kylo Ren's face suddenly contorts into something I hadn't seen of him yet: confusion. With those thick eyebrows etching together slightly and his mouth parting to my words. I saw the shock register on his perfect features before he could hide it.
"No." He retorts, but I didn't believe him.
"Yes you do!" I contest, twining my hands into the fabric at my sides tightly. "That's all anyone has ever thought of me since the First Order had got there hands on me. General Hux might just be right, for I suppose I am merely just your prostitute... you are no different."
Kylo Ren reacts with an expression that seems he would rather I take a knife to his skin than speak those words so cold. But I feel no guilt, for after all Kylo speaks to me is as if I were a stranger—and I suppose, that I am.
"You foolish girl." He suddenly tuts, tilting his head to the side and giving me stare that seems he is trying to read my thoughts all the way from StarKiller, wherever that may be.
"What?" I urge, my eyes becoming distant and hurt.
"If I were no different, I would have torn the clothes off your flesh and forced myself upon you, but I didn't. Do you recall?"
"Yes I do." I say through a sucked in breath.
Kylo hesitates for a moment, but continues. "For some reason I cannot understand, I just can't find it within myself to do that to you and I never will, because you are not a prostitute, you are merely just a girl, force-blood or not."
"And I am grateful for that!" I plead, my heart swelling even more. "But I just wish we could pretend that we are not only together to provide another child for Project Destiny! After everything I have seen, I cannot bare myself to think about putting another child in this position, especially if it is a girl."
The words left me and I stared into those eyes that burned with conflict, and my heart fell silent. My whole life, I was taught that I was never to gain attachments or endorse a relationship with whoever I was paired to; but yet here I am, begging Kylo to just give me anything for I am so incredibly alone and uncertain in this unfamiliar universe.
As if stuck underwater, everything was slow and warbled in this sudden silence, I continued when he didn't respond—too stuck in his own thoughts to reciprocate my own.
"I promised you that I would birth your child and I will forever hold onto that promise... but don't make me raise your child with such a lack of love that you provide."
The words laid on Kylo's holographic skin like a poison. It seeped into his blood whilst his pupils became dilated and there was a tremor in his hands. His face was one of conflict, not knowing how to save me from my feelings. The void was a cruelty he inflicted unintentionally, for he had never had to care for another, not even himself—and now I could tell.
"I understand." Kylo Ren gives in, warming his eyes and unclenching his hands. "But the First Order and Supreme Leader Snoke is where my destiny resides, so what you must understand... is that you will never come before them."
I nod, understanding his intentions clearly. Kylo Ren had been pushing me away in fears that I will be his downfall in the First Order, and I get that; but his harsh meaning still hurts.
"I understand." I also nod, the air now cleared despite its thick intensity.
"Anyway..." He heaves a breath, relaxing his shoulders, "I had called to tell you I will be over here at StarKiller for the rest of the week as per request of Supreme Leader Snoke."
The little selfish part of me wanted to ask him if he had seen Five at all, or still beg him to pass on a message to my old friend–but the timing wasn't exactly right, and I could already guess what his answer would be.
Casting my eyes, I could see the shape of his face like a silhouette as he only watched me back.
"Okay." I swallow the lump in my throat. I'm going to be alone for the rest of the week–I can already feel the boredom settle within my bones like arthritis.
He stares at me with those eyes once more—and damn—he was the most confusing person I had ever endured. One minute ago we were in the midst of raging fire in the heated moment of an argument and now we only stand in the cool air of a suspended one.
"I will keep in touch," Kylo Ren finishes, his eyes mapping out my face as if he was etching it into the back of his mind for later. "Just remember the coordinates."
"Talk to you soon." I bite my bottom lip, nodding and then all at once, he is gone.
'Call from Sector 2.17408, ended.'
Exhausted, I heave a breath out. I feel as though that call used all the energy I had left, draining it as though I was leaking electricity. I was once cold in my rendered realism, the path between Kylo and I, a never ending expanse of burning black; but now I only realise that we are just both afraid of connection—and failure.
I am not asking for a loving relationship from him. I am just asking for a relationship, period. For I am still uncomfortable with the thought of being so vulnerable around him, never-less naked.
If he shows me kindness, I'll sacrifice that little part of myself and I think he knows that.
'Call from Sector 2.17408. Ended.' The words flash once more and I wondered if he would actually call me again. It doesn't matter if I think deep down he never will again, for the hopeful part in me has already remembered the coordinates of StarKiller.
StarKiller. Coordinates.
Huh—that's the coordinates Arion needs to send her sister a message. How perplexing that so many people are upon a hidden location... Her sister. Kylo Ren... Five.
Five.
I gasp. Five is on StarKiller with Arion's sister! Forget Kylo. Arion could send Five a message for me!
Blood wakes up my brain, though I thought myself already awake. My smile grows of its own accord and I immediately glance to the time. Ten minutes till the end of lunchtime. I could make it. I could find Arion in the Dining Hall before everyone is ushered out.
In a sudden rush, my hands and legs become jittery, trembling beneath my weight. I begin to throw open every drawer and rummage through the continents inside. My heart is pounding and I am running out of time, chucking every utensil out of each compartment. No paper–but I find a pen. I snap my head into the direction of the clock once more.
Five minutes to go.
Good enough.
An anxious sweat rolled down the flesh of my back in thin, salty beads and I can feel my lungs throbbing inside my chest as I sprint out of the quarters and down the never-ending hallways to the Dining hall.
I dodge everyone in my path and the casual StormTrooper who tries to stop me, but fails to do so. My flesh felt like it was roasting as my feet began to loose rhythm, often tripping on my own stepping.
There it is! The Dining Hall. Most people are beginning to already leave and I fear I may have missed my opportunity to find Arion.
"Excuse me!" I yell as I make my way into the Dining Hall, my pen held above everyones heads in attempts to not loose it.
I had never been claustrophobic before, but in that almighty swell of humanity that I tried to squeeze through as most usher out as they leave, I felt the panic rise in my chest. When they moved, I had to also, and if my feet failed to keep up: I risked being trampled underfoot.
I am almost through the doors but suddenly a thin hand wraps around my wrist and pulls me back.
"No!" I gasp and now I am going along with the flow of traffic rather than against it. Once out of the doorway, I finally have room to breathe. Blood boiling in my chest, I am prepared to snap at whoever pulled me back out, but when I turn to see them, relief washes over me like a gentle tide.
"Arion!" I smile wide, throwing my arms around her in liberation.
"Whoa, Whoa!" She expresses, trying to get me off her in sudden confusion.
Not a thing about her looked different from what I remember. From her bright, blonde hair to her icy, cold eyes. She always had a reserved part about her, but as she grabs my wrists from around her neck and holds them in her hands she gives me a raised eyebrow.
"What were you doing back there? You missed lunch, there's no way you're getting in once your late," She chuckles. "Shame though, you missed the disgusting meatloaf and–"
"I got it!" I cut her off, a big smile on my face as my breath struggled to keep up, "I got the coordinates."
Arion's eyes snap to mine and her lips part at my words. Eyes wide and heart pulsating behind her chest, she lets go of one of my wrists but clenches the other one—which held onto my pen, even tighter.
She snaps her head in every direction, processing the crowded halls around us and her eyes stop upon suspicious StormTroopers which looked our way. Glancing back to me once more before dragging me off down the hall, she whispered low behind the hum of the crowd, "Come with me."
I was vaguely aware of a stinging in my ribs but I never stopped to regain my breath; even though my lungs felt like they would soon burst as I followed her down the halls in rushed footsteps. I eventually settled to stumbling along behind Arion as fast as I could but she began to slow once people were beginning to head back to their stations rather than crowd the white halls.
"Where are we going?" I heave, whilst trying to still hold my pen tightly—even though her grip was beginning to cut off the blood circulation to my hand.
"Somewhere where we can talk," She dismissed me.
I glance around and furrow my brows. There weren't many people around anymore, but there still a couple of engineers who lingered as their stations must be around here somewhere.
"Can't we just talk here?" I question, still trudging behind her and whining like a child.
"Not if you want someone to hear us."
Suddenly, she stops her footing as we meet a conjunction and I nearly crash into her back. Looking to the left and then right, and finding nobody looking: Arion backtracks three paces and I stumble behind her. When she drops to her knees, they crack in the silence as she lets go of my wrist—finally.
"What are you doing?" I furrow my brows and contort my face in confusion, but she doesn't answer.
Lifting her hand to one of the panels on the walls, she sticks her fingernails beneath its edges and pulls out the pane as if it was never meant to be there in the first place.
"What are you doing?!" I repeat myself, this time my eyes wide with shock.
"Be quiet!" She shushes me. Behind the pane she had just torn from the wall, reveals a dark hole that resembles a silver air-vent. Enough width and space to fit a person... I hope that this isn't what she wishes.
"Get in," She breathes, her chest expanding under each tired gasp as she checks to see if anyone is around again.
"What?" I snap, "Why?"
Her face contorts to one of frustration and she rolls her eyes, "Just get in, it's not that deep... it is just dark."
Her thin hands wrap around mine once more and she drags me to the ground where she kneels. I peer into the confined space and I already feel claustrophobic.
What was in there? How does she know about it?
Footsteps could be heard from down one of the halls and I suddenly hear the familiar, robotic voices that belonged to only StormTroopers. As I glance back to Arion, I can sense the fear in her and see the plead that dances in the ocean blue of her eyes.
"Okay," I whisper, and climb in.
It was dark for a moment as I crawled into the confined space on my hands and knees and seconds later, Arion is behind me, placing the pane back over the entry.
Total darkness. I feel the claustrophobia setting in.
"Keep moving, it's only a few steps away." Arion whispers behind me and my knees get tangled on the material of my skirt as I continue moving.
"What is only a few steps away?" I ask, my bewilderment growing stronger the more I spend time with the girl behind me.
First she was snooping around the Command Centre's hallways and now she was forcing me into an air-vent—there was something about Arion that was extremely different to everything else on Finalizer, though she hid it very well.
Pen still in hand, I finally make it to wherever she wants me to be as the vent in-front disappears and reveals a small, crowded room. My eyesight began to blur and become spotty as I stood too fast, resulting in a head-rush.
All I can see right now is loose forms in a dim light and I desperately need my surroundings to come into view before I make my next move. Eyes squinting, my sight is becoming clear and I realise we are in a... supply closet?
"This is it... a closet!?" I exaggerate, throwing my arms up around us and then slapping them back down to my thighs, "You made me climb down a vent to get to a supply closet?!"
I turn my head and notice everything is covered in dust and grime, and now I even see a door.
"–Oh look! There's even a door here too! Why didn't we just go through that!"
My chest heaved and my breathing was sporadic.
Arion's giggle rolled about the small space, vibrant and heart warming as it came in fits and bursts—loud, to soft, to nothing at all and then back to loud again.
"That door hasn't opened since the lock broke from the outside three years ago. Nobody is coming in, only we can get out. This is a safe place to talk without anyone else hearing."
"Oh... well I–" I begin to protest, my face growing hot. Arion grabs my hands once more, her fingers over-lapping the pen and she smiled.
"Only myself, and now I guess you, know of this place," She chuckled and I shook my head in bewilderment, "We can finally speak... alone."
She nods, urging me to continue what I had come to see her about. Right, the coordinates–Five.
"Oh, y-yes." I nod, going back on track and trying to ignore the overbearing smell of dust from within the space around us, "I found the coordinates for StarKiller."
Her smile widens, revealing pearly-white teeth. She shakes her head and drops my hands, reaching her own into her hair as if she was in total shock—and she was.
"I can't believe it!" She cried while I still stand, perplexed.
"How did you do it?" She asks, her icy eyes suddenly investigating me whilst it was placed unevenly with her gleam.
My breath hitches and I suddenly feel like I am betraying Kylo Ren by telling her; Arion is my only way to get a message to Five, and I know that if Kylo ever found out, he would retreat back into that darkness he lives within and probably inflict further pain.
But, he won't find out, a little voice in the back of my mind whispered—and I believed her.
"Kylo Ren called me from StarKiller," I gulped, "The coordinates showed up before and after the call."
Her eyes go even wider, if that was even possible, her lips twitching even higher, "Kylo Ren is on StarKiller?"
I nod once more, furrowing my brows as suddenly her gaze had begun to look right through me as if she was stuck in her own head for a moment.
"This is all wonderful news," She murmurs low beneath her breath.
"What?" I ask but she only snaps out of her daze and back into my eyes, determined.
"Alright, what's the coordinates?" She demands and I take a slight step back.
"Not so fast..." I deadpan, crossing my arms over my chest and suddenly I feel the giddy from her diminish as her face drops slightly, "I need something in return."
The air shifts and I sense her fear.
Arion desperately tried to hide how fearful she was. She tried to control the tremor in her voice to a degree. "What could you possibly want from me?"
Maybe it was still her naive belief that I am something I am not or the fact that I am living in Kylo Ren's quarters that scared her—but for once, I didn't care what she thought about me, for all that was on my mind was Five.
I am apprehensive, yet unafraid. There could be consequences for what I am about to do; if Kylo finds out—but when I think back to that familiar smile of Five, it is the jolt I need to know that I am walking into a storm, but not so much that my steps will be hindered. If anything, it gives me the courage I need to make the move, knowing that only a few good things in this life come with a cost to the self.
"I need you to get whoever you will use as a messenger to give someone a message of my own," I demand, my heart convulsing behind its cage of bone.
No going back now.
She furrows her brows and flinches her head back in confusion. "Who could you possibly need to send a message to?"
Taking offence to her words, my eyes narrowed with fires of fury that dared her to say anything like that again.
Rolling them soon after, I just chose to ignore it.
"His name is Five," I urge, picking her hands up now. "He's from Project Destiny as I am... I just need you to give him a message from me."
Arion's face softens and she notices the position I am in as I plead her to do this for me. "O-Okay," She nods, gripping onto my hands as well, "I'll pass it on."
"Thank you." My eyes begin to fill with water and I pull her into a tight hug. The hug was a simple gesture of affection, perhaps even the fragile beginnings of friendship. The arms that held onto me were soft and thin, much like Three's—and the feel of Arion's body so close in similarity to her's soothes me more than I had expected. But within seconds, I pull away, lifting her delicate hand up and pulling down the material around her wrist.
Clicking the end of the pen that I had snuck out of Kylo's quarters, and thinking back to what Five had whispered to me before we had parted ways forevermore... I began to scribble the words on her skin:
'Sector 2.17408.'
'We will meet again. This can't be the end of us.'