Chapter 11
Harry
I was already wide awake by the time my mum came to wake me for school. The sound of the doorknob rattling made me flinch, but I remembered that I locked it before going to bed last night.
I stare at the wall, my torn blanket wrapped around my slumped shoulders. My eyes feel sore from my cries, but nowhere near as sore as my freshly cut wrists.
"Harry? Harry are you up?" my mother calls through the wood, but I can't find it in me to speak. The words repeatedly hitching in my dry, raw throat. She shakes the knob once again, this time more frantically.
"Harry, I know you're in there. Please open the door" I hear the sound of my mother resting her forehead against the cold wood, desperate to get through to me. I want to speak. I want to tell her that I'm up and that I'll be ready in a minute, anything to ease her restless mind...but I can't.
"Harry...just get ready, okay? I'll meet you in the car" are the last words she speaks before retreating down the hallway.
I continue staring at the wall for god knows how long. The night before replays in my mind endlessly, nearly driving me to tears each and every time the first cut comes on a loop. I thought it'd help, I thought it'd reward me with some emotional release, anything to help the pain. But in my search for easing the anguish in my mind, I robbed myself of all emotion. And there's no one to blame but myself.
These thoughts become too much for me. The self-hatred mixed with the regret is washing over everything, nearly suffocating me. I quickly jump out of bed, desperate to escape this mind of mine. Looking around the dim room, the only light coming from the rising sun reflecting on the window. I search for something. Anything to help me, anything to distract me. My search was in vain.
I throw on the nearest clothes I can find, which is a pair of joggers and a baby blue sweater. Walking into the bathroom was the hardest part. I look over to the spot that I laid in a mere 11 hours ago. I can't be here right now. I quickly splash some water on my face, brush my teeth, and rush back out into the hallway, never once fueling my insecurities by looking in the mirror.
I slip on my familiar shoes and throw on my bag. For a moment, I contemplated grabbing a banana, but decided against it. I drag my feet towards the door. My mother was already in the car, resting her forehead against the steering wheel. She didn't see me approach the car, and only lifted her head when she heard me get in, slamming the door behind me.
"Ready, love?" She whispers.
"Ready" I respond, my throat still raw.
We drive down the road, my mum looking over to me every few minutes but I don't acknowledge it. The clouds were slowly parting, revealing the purplish sky with a hint of blue and pink behind it.
"I was thinking you could go hang out with Niall after school? I'm working late again and it'd be good for you to go have fun. You guys could go get tacos!" She exclaims, expecting to get any sort of response. From the corner of my eye, I see the way her smile slowly dissipates from my lack of engagement, but there's nothing I can do.
"Yeah mum...that'll be great" I tried to add a little enthusiasm behind my voice but per usual, I failed.
"Harry, what's going on with you?" She questions, her voice a lot softer than usual.
"Nothing mum, just a little tired." That excuse always seems to work, but not this time.
"I'm not dumb Harry, You aren't acting like yourself" For reasons that I don't understand, this bothers me. Myself? I'm not acting like myself? How does she even know what "myself"truly is?
"Really? Please tell me mum, how do I usually act then?" I turn my body towards her, ready to hear whatever she manages to pull out of her ass.
"You- Harry I- you just-" She stutters, clearly caught off guard.
"Exactly" I sigh, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Harry, please. I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong" Help me? The only way she's even attempted to help me was by forcing me to make a promise that she had no idea how hard it would be to keep. She's never tried to help, she just ignores. In hopes it'll go away.
"Don't worry mum, I'm fine right? I promised right? Everything is fine right?" She sighs softly, understanding what it is that I'm referencing.
"Harry, that's not fair, okay? You know that is not fair." She explains as we pull into the school parking lot. My silence and refusal to cooperate seems to piss her off.
"You know...ever since your father-" No. Fuck no.
"Don't you bring him up!" I yell "Never bring him up! Alright?" Her eyes widen at my tone of voice. I don't yell at my mum. Hell, I never even argue with her, but she is opening a door that I spent so much time barricading. Promising myself that I'd never open that door again.
"O-okay, I'm sorry" She rushes out, but I get out of the car before I even allow myself the opportunity to forgive her.
---
My first few classes went by pretty smoothly. The same laughs and taunts filled my ears but that's nothing new.
Me and Niall were walking to lunch, him telling me about some football game he was watching last night, me adding in little "ooh's" and "ahh's" when he tells an "interesting" part. I watch him as he slowly piles up the food on his plate, still in awe at the boy's appetite. I grab a peanut butter and jelly and follow Niall to our familiar table.
"My mum wants to know if you wanted to hang out with me after school" I blurt out as he takes a bite of his second slice of pizza. "I see, does your mom want me to hang out with you, or do you want me to hang out with you?" He teases
"Yes or no, Ni?" I came off a little rude, and I feel a little guilty but Niall doesn't seem to mind.
"Yeah, sure why not" He shrugs, continuing to eat his pizza.
I had just taken a bite of my peanut butter and jelly when a familiar brown-haired boy takes a seat next to me
"Did you make that bread yourself, Harry?" Mitch cooly states.
I look down at my sandwich, softly smiling at his stupid joke. "No, that'd be a bit weird, don't you think?" I joke back, making him laugh. A proud smile crossing my face.
"So listen, I was thinking maybe we could be friends ya know? You're the new kid from god knows where and I'm the somewhat new kid from America, this could be a match made in heaven, don't you think?" I look up at him, and I'm met with a soft, shy smile.
"I'd like that" I answer, making him beam with pride "Yeah?" he asks, sounding very enthusiastic.
"Yeah" My smile matching his.
"Well this is great, now you could give me all the free bread in the world" He jokes again, and for the first time today, I laugh.
Me and Mitch continue with our stupid jokes before yet another familiar boy approaches, taking a seat next to Niall.
"Good afternoon, pretty boy" He lowly states, stealing one of Niall's fries.
"Hi Zayn" Niall's face goes beet red and I suddenly remember that this is the boy who kissed him on Friday night.
"Have you been having a good day?" Zayn questions, his voice sounding a little odd. He sounds as though he's trying to be careful.
"Yes, my day has been fine" Niall takes a sip of his water, still not once making eye-contact with Zayn.
"Why are you being so cold? I just wanna talk" Zayn urges.
"What do we have to talk about?" I can't help but feel bad for Zayn. Here he is trying to be nice and Niall won't even give him the time of day. Of course, he doesn't owe Zayn anything, but it's still disheartening to watch.
"How about your favorite foods? Your favorite colors? Why you dye your hair blonde? Why do you play the guitar? Or better yet, the kiss on Friday?" Niall's demeanor goes rigid at the mention of their kiss. I look over to Mitch to see that he's watching the whole exchange as well.
"That kiss meant nothing, it was a dare" I've never heard Niall speak so coldly
"Then why haven't you looked at me this entire time? Do I make you nervous Niall?" I thought that was obvious by now. Zayn even makes me nervous and I've never had a single conversation with the guy.
"Because I don't have to. I'm not gay" Niall replies coldly.
"Who said anything about being gay?"
"It's what you're implying" Niall's voice is getting colder and colder by the minute, and I'm afraid he might blow up.
"So, me having a simple conversation with you is implying that you're gay, but you sticking your tongue down my throat doesn't imply anything?" Niall's face goes from beet red to drained of all color.
"Please go away" He hasn't once looked Zayn in the eye.
"As you wish, princess" and with that, he leaves.
I watch Niall for a moment, looking for any sign of anger, confusion, anything. But there's nothing there, just a cold stare directed at the food in front of him. I opened my mouth to speak, but he was already getting up to leave.
"That was weird," Mitch says randomly. I wanted to go check on Niall, But I know he just wants to be alone.
"Yeah...it was" We continue with our conversation as normal, sharing small jokes and me giving him the other half of my peanut butter and jelly. There were only 5 minutes left of lunch, and I was finishing up my half of the sandwich when I heard a voice that made my blood freeze.
"Harry" I can't look at him. I can't look at the face that held so much disgust toward me a mere 24 hours ago.
"Harry please. I fucked up, okay? And I know you're mad and I'm sorr-"
"No" he doesn't get to do this. I won't allow it.
"Curl- Harry please just let me explain." I can't believe the words falling out of his mouth right now. What more could he possibly have to say?
"Go away, Louis" I cringe at the name. My once favorite word making my hands shake and tears well in my lowered eyes.
"Harry, I didn't-" he begins, but is immediately cut off by Mitch
"He told you to leave, why are you still here?" I look over to Mitch, but he's looking behind me to the boy I still refuse to meet eyes with.
"This has nothing to do with you" Louis sneers, his voice laced with venom.
"That doesn't matter. You're obviously upsetting him, so fucking leave" I'm shocked at mitch's tone of voice, but I stay quiet.
"Fine. I don't know why I bother" He sighs before getting up to leave. The sound of his voice brought me back to that overwhelming pain I felt yesterday, but I refuse to cry right now. I look up again to see Mitch, and his eyes meet mine, worry washing over his sharp features.
"Who even was that?" He questions.
"Nobody, absolutely nobody"
----
Me and Niall were in his car, driving around and trying to find something to do. We didn't really have much of a plan, we were just gonna hang out together. I'm not going to lie, I'm grateful for this. I don't trust myself enough to be alone right now.
"What do you want to do, H?" Niall questions as we drive around aimlessly.
"I don't know, is there a park anywhere around here?" He smiles at my suggestion and quickly turns onto another street, in search of a park.
Me and Niall were sat on the swings, the bar above us slowly creaking as we rocked back in forth in complete silence. I guess parks just aren't as fun when you grow up. Niall's the first to break the silence, startling me.
"That thing at lunch was pretty weird right? I barely know Zayn and here he is accusing me of being in the closet or something? What's that about?" He rambles on. I have my own formed opinion on what I think Niall's going through, or better yet, what he keeps denying. But I know it'll only upset him.
"I don't know, Niall. I mean you did kiss the man" I'm trying to tread lightly, not wanting to say the wrong thing.
"Yeah but I was drunk, and it was a dare" He explains, his voice sounding frantic.
"You only had one drink Ni. You didn't get drunk until after the kiss, and you didn't have to do the dare. You could've taken a few shots or run down the street naked. You weren't forced into kissing him" I must've said too much, because he doesn't take this too well.
"What the fuck are you trying to say? That I'm gay? How many times do I have to explain to people that I'm not fucking gay?" He yells. That's it, I've had enough.
"No one is saying that you're gay, Niall! Sure you kissed a guy, that doesn't make someone gay, but you can't even hear his voice or look him in the eye without turning into a tomato! And people can't even bring him up without you getting angry. Do you think I didn't hear your conversation with Louis? Whether you're gay or not doesn't matter to me, but you are acting like homosexuality is some sort of fucking plague. Figure your shit out, but stop being an asshole to people. And for the record, there are other sexualities than gay and straight. Not everything is as black and white as people and make it seem. Do some research, figure your shit out, and stop being a prick."
I inhale a deep breath after my long speech and look up to see Niall's eyes widened and his mouth parted in shock. I'm surprised by my rant, and how much I spoke, but the way he is acting is ridiculous.
"I miss when you were shy with me and barely spoke to me" He jokes. I'm still shy, but I guess I've just gotten comfortable with Niall.
I chuckle lightly at his stupid joke and continue swaying back forth on the swing, softly kicking the woodchips beneath my feet.
"Speaking of Louis, what's going on there? How did your car ride go yesterday" I shuddered on the swing, still not wanting to hear his name.
"There's nothing to tell. I foolishly let my guard come down for a little while, and he made me regret it." I look back over to Niall, His eyebrows drawn together in confusion.
"What happened, H?" He questions, his voice filled with concern
"Nothing happened, he just said some things. Really hurtful things. I told him to stay away from me, that's all" I know there's more to the story, but divulging this information will only do more harm than good.
"Look, Harry, I know how he can be, and I know that he can say some pretty fucked up things, but he has his reasons. I can tell you've been through some shit, no one is this guarded for no reason. Just try and keep that in mind before you're so hard on him"
"What? What has he been through?" I can't help but to ask.
"That's not my place to say, Harry. I'm sure you have your reasons to be angry, but everyone has reasons for being the way they are. Maybe try and understand his before turning your back on him. He's been through that enough."
"It's not that easy Niall, you don't know the things he's said to me. The way he looked into my eyes and said so hurtful things as if it were nothing to him. People go through things, but that's no excuse to treat people like dirt." I explain
"But what if that's the only thing that person knows? What if you spend your entire life seeing these things from people and consistently getting hurt, only for that same person to take back everything they said in hopes you'll forgive them? Sometimes that's the only thing people know, Harry."
"But it's common sense Niall" I reply. I'm confused as to what he's implying, but I know he won't explain it any further
"To you it is, but to other people it may not be. Not everyone has a heart of gold, and not everyone has been surrounded by people with hearts of gold. There are some people who only hear "I love you" after getting smacked around a few times. There are some people who only get a meal after being denied the luxury for so long. There are people who only get hugs to muffle the loud cries. You don't know everyone's story and you don't know why people do the things they do, so before completely shunning someone, try seeing why they are the way that they are."
I'm in shock at the passion in his voice. He seems to know a lot more than he likes to let on.
"And what are you saying? Was that whole speech in reference to Louis?" I may not be on good terms with him, but I don't want to imagine him going through things like that. I don't want to imagine anyone going through that.
"What is it that you told me? Not everything is so black and white as some people try to make it seem"
---
(2985 words)
A/N
Hi everyone! I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter, I enjoyed writing it. What do you guys think of the little Ziall thing going on? And Mitch? As usual, let me know your thoughts, comments, and likes and dislikes.
I really hope you're enjoying this so far
Please vote:)
Chappie 12 coming soon
I love you, Pumpkin :) - A