You're going to hate me
I suddenly wake up from an intense nightmare that consists of Alex breaking up with me. Pressing the back of my hands to my cheeks, immediately finding the dampness of them, I find that I've been crying in my sleep.
I don't realise that I'm practically gulping for air until I hear Alex's hands lightly touch my waist and him whispering, "Shh, you're alright, baby."
His touch instantly calms me, and turning to look at him, seeing him right beside me, being able to touch him, brings me back to almost complete serenity. My Alex. He's here.
Since our argument, my fears about losing Alex have increased. I know they shouldn't do, and it's not like I think that he's going to abruptly break up with me, or that we'll have another argument soon, because I really don't, I have a lot of trust in our relationship. I just never want to lose him, and my nervousness about that is nothing I can control.
My fears do not stem from the fact that I think we're easily breakable, either. We've got a strong relationship, and that's been established in such a short about of time, which I put down to both our personal issues, but I think that's also why I'm so nervous. I have become so much stronger with him by my side, and that's not me relying on him too much, I think it's just the effect he has on me as a person. You never know what's going to happen in the future, and I'm not just talking about breaking up now, I mean worse, like something bad happens and he ends up dying or something.
I don't know why, but our argument, and then him getting into a physical fight where he could have gotten really hurt, put that all into perspective, and now I'm truly reminded that I have no clue what is to come. I don't want anything bad to happen to him or us as a couple.
"Oh, thank God. It felt so real," I breathe out, holding a hand to my chest. I can feel my heart thumping on my palm. I use my other hand to grab Alex's, so I can feel him, assure myself that he's here, he's mine still, he didn't break up with me, we're fine. He's fine.
"Do you want to talk about what it was about?" Alex asks, resting his head back on his pillow, his hand still in mine. I shake my head and lie back down. I'm about to close my eyes and mumble out that I'm going back to sleep when he lets out a, "hey."
"What?"
"You were using me as a pillow before," He tells me.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise I was doing that," I apologise, turning on my side so that I'm fully facing him. I pout as an extra way of saying sorry.
"Was it comfortable?" He questions. I nod, because I really was, weirdly. He's warm, and his presence comforts me, so being as close to him as I can makes me feel as safe as I can. "Continue, then."
"Are you sure? I don't want you to be uncomfortable."
"I would never be uncomfortable having you near me. I like it, so please, lay your head on me," he instructs, and I do as he says. I place my head on his chest, wrap my arm around him, and snuggle into him, already feeling much more comfortable than I do with my head on a pillow.
"I can hear your heartbeat," I mutter before my eyelids start getting heavy and I fall asleep, this time dreaming a very different dream, filled with touches much less innocent than the ones we shared before I fell asleep. Thinking about the dream made my body heat up, but I bury it away and never speak of it like it is some sort of sin.
The following morning, when Alex and I are sat at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, eating bowls of cereal while I am also drawing in my sketch pad, Sofia pulls up a stool and hesitantly sits opposite of me, a protective hand on her bump. I look at her questioningly as she lets out a nervous breath. Alex doesn't notice as he's busy engrossed in his phone.
"So, I've been beating myself up over this for way too long, and recently I've just been thinking about it a lot, and last night I thought fuck it and told myself that I would tell you this morning, so here we are," Sofia tells me, her fingers tapping on the counter. She does this when she's nervous, so if her hesitance wasn't enough proof, this is.
"Tell me what?" I ask around a spoonful of Cheerios. I don't look up from where I'm touching up a sketch of Alex that I did ages ago and recently remembered that I never finished it. I can recall trying to hide it from Camilla. Now I don't give a single fuck about what she thinks.
She gives me a desperate look when I do eventually look up, "Please don't hate me."
"I can't hate you unless you tell me," I state, getting down from my stool to put my bowl and spoon in the dishwasher. Sofia's eyes follow me, the fraught look in them only increasing as I sit back down.
"Oh, Jesus, you're going to hate me," she mutters.
"I'm sure Jesus won't hate you," Alex jokes, his interest converting from his phone to the conversation. He puts the phone down facing upwards and grins, as though he thinks his statement was prime comedy. I whack him over the back of the head with my hand, but then I instantly feel bad, so I kiss his cheek. His grin broadens.
"Just tell me," I encourage my sister.
She nods, almost as if readying herself, and I honestly have no idea what she has to tell me. She sucks in another deep breath, "OK, so I don't know if you ever realised this because we let it slip some way or another, but there's something about Cami and I that you don't know."
"Huh?"
Camilla. Why is everything about her recently?
What happened is all I think about, my mind won't stray too far away from the girl, of course not in a positive way. Next was my mother asking about it, and Alex bringing it up from time to time because I still won't talk about how I'm feeling about it, by which I'm not talking about it because I don't have a clue what I'm feeling, and then seeing her walk in and out of her house multiple times a week. I need a break from her.
I just want to ignore and forget it. It's easier to ignore because then I don't have to feel anything, and I really don't want to feel. That means feeling heartbreak and I'm not ready for that again. I'm grateful that we're on our summer break now so I don't have to see her at school until August.
"I'm going to explain from the very beginning, and please don't hate me for it. I do understand why you would hate me, and I deserve it, but I don't want you to hate me, so selfishly, I beg of you not to. And Alex, you'll hate me too as you're like deeply in love with Matty or whatever, and I know for sure that he'll hate me, so whoever he hates you hate, I know."
"Not necessarily. He hates Sharpay Evans, but I love her," Alex says matter-of-factly before putting a spoonful of cereal in his mouth.
"Get on with it, then," I say, ignoring Alex and turning to Sofia. She nods again, rubbing her hands on her thighs.
"It started the morning after I got pregnant. I came home hungover and Cami saw me as she was taking the trash out. She asked me if I was hungover, so I said yeah, and she told me that she knew a hangover cure that she swore worked every time. I went into her house and she made it for me. During the time I was in her house, we talked for a bit, and then she suddenly kissed me out of absolutely nowhere, no sign that it was going to happen, nothing. I went home soon after, confused out of my mind, but went back round her house to talk about it a few days after because we hadn't talked since it happened and I thought that we should. She told me that she liked me, she had done for a while, then kissed me again, and I let it happen. We ended up having sex. I liked it—more than liked it, actually, so we continued to sleep together for about a month until she told me she was falling for me and that she wanted to be my girlfriend. I said yes because I realised that I had fallen for her too."
I stare at Sofia for what seems like years, unable to figure out if I have just heard her correctly. Girlfriend? No way. No fucking way, that can't be. That makes no sense. Camilla's a homophobe, she can't be in a gay relationship and say those things to me, and more so about Alex. What sort of queer person would do that?
My sister is Camilla's girlfriend. The person who I've been trying to figure out the identity of for ages. It's been right in front of me the whole time, and I had no idea. I haven't noticed a thing; Sofia never seemed at all suspicious. How did they keep it a secret for so long? Apparently Alex and I were crap at doing that for ourselves. And why would my sister still be with her after everything that's happened? I know that sounds selfish, but I'm her brother, and Camilla really hurt me. She was disgusting.
I look at Alex. He seems horrified.
"Camilla's your girlfriend?" I question despite the fact that she's already said that, just to make sure I did hear her correctly. Alex's slips his hand into mine, and I bring it onto my lap so I can play with his rings.
"Yes. I'm so sorry, it happened before anything happened with you two. I swear, I would not have gotten involved with her if it were to have happened now. It's just—I really liked her and I thought she was so sweet and attractive, and she was so nice to me."
"I'm not mad at you," I assure her, shaking my head. I would never be mad because it's none of my business. It's not my relationship, and I can't tell my sister what to do, even if it's about a relationship with someone who called me a whore and told me that I turned gay for someone who's supposedly abusing me. Alex squeezes my hand.
"You're not?"
"No."
"But you looked dejected."
"I am dejected. I'm just not mad, and I certainly don't hate you. I just—I feel uncomfortable with it all. But it's your life, I guess. If you want to be with someone like her, that's your choice."
It is her choice to be with someone like Camilla. I don't want to call Camilla bad person because Alex was just like her once upon a time, but still, she's definitely not even an okay person. The thing is with Alex is that I know that he definitely changed for the better. I can't say if Camilla ever will as I have no clue about what's to happen in the future. If she does end up apologising and she's sincere, I know I'll be able to accept it, but for now, at the moment, she's not a good person. I don't want Sofia to be with someone like that, but I can't tell her that she can't be with Camilla. There's no point getting mad and arguing. I'm tired of that.
"That's the thing, I don't want to be with her anymore, not after how she treated you. And even before that, I noticed she had gotten a lot colder, and she started shit talking about people, and getting so bitchy. It's like something switched in her mind and she turned into this—this mean girl."
"You're going to break up with her?" I ask hopefully.
"Trust me, I've already tried. But don't worry, it's going to happen, so we can already begin to talk about it in past tense. I just thought I'd tell you in case she told you and tried to twist anything. I promise, I started dating her when you were friends with her, and I understand if you find that weird in itself, but I just guessed it would be better than me dating her after your fight, and when she said all those horrible things. I'm aching to have a right go at her. I've fallen out of all feelings I felt for her."
"I'm so confused," I mutter.
It still doesn't make any sense. I know Camilla opposes my relationship mainly because it's with Alex, but she did say some homophobic and biphobic things. I seriously cannot understand why she would do that if she's not straight herself. It doesn't add up, and it's made me even more mad at her than before. Maybe she was using my sister?
But what would she get from that?
"About what, bub?"
"Our fight was about her not accepting me and my relationship, and she's was homophobic, even before then, and now you're telling me that you were in a relationship with her, when you're both girls. I don't understand it. How could someone in a gay relationship say those things?"
"At first, when our relationship was starting, she told me she needed time to come to terms with it, and I did too, so I was fine with that. After a bit, she didn't want to tell you about our relationship because she knew how much she fucked up when she found out about you and Alex, and got so scared of your reaction because she knew you would yell at her and call her a hypocrite. That's all I know about why she reacted that way. I honestly don't understand it myself. I kept telling her that she should have told you before everything came out, and what she said to you made absolutely no sense. We had a big fight then. I'm just—ugh, I'm just so frustrated trying to figure out what the hell is going on in her mind and why she thinks it's okay to say all those horrible things to you. I don't think the stress is good for the baby."
"How did she react to the pregnancy?" Alex questions. "Sorry to butt in, I'm just curious 'cause you mentioned the baby."
"She was so supportive about it, like she was there when I took the test and she went with me to the doctors, and said that she wanted to stay with me no matter what I chose. I told her I wanted an abortion and, well, you know what happened. As you were driving me to the clinic, I kept thinking about what we were talking about early that day, about parents and stuff, and it made me realise that I wanted to be a mum. I know I'm young, but I was already pregnant and I have a supportive family, so I told Cami that I didn't go through with it, and she still was supportive and said she'd help me if I needed it at any time."
"Oh," I mutter. I'm not sure why I'm surprised. I suppose now I've seen Camilla's true colours, it's suddenly hard for me to think of her as supportive in any situation. If she could support Sofia with this, why was it so hard for her to support me, her best friend since nappies? "Why didn't you break up with her when you had that big fight?"
"Again, I tried to. I was literally about to, but then she stormed out before I could, and I had no idea where she went. She wasn't answering any of her calls, and when I saw her again after that, she ignored my requests to talk and changed the subject every time. I didn't want to bluntly say it, and she hasn't let me break things off in a rational conversation, so I've decided that when I see her, I'm going to just up and say it, and if she tries to cry and argue, I'm going to walk away. I can't be with someone who doesn't support my family too."
I look at Alex and smile a little bit, but he's looking another way and doesn't see.
I got so lucky with him. He's helped a lot with Sofia's pregnancy, especially as he has a kid himself, and now Eva is doing a lot better in school since he rescued her from those junkies and had a talk with her the next day about the importance of focusing on your education and the fact that acting out is not the best route to go down. She listened to him. She changed her ways. All because he cared and supported my family as well as me.
"I'm glad that you want to break up with her. I know that's inconsiderate, but I just don't want you to be with someone like her," I say truthfully, continuing to fidget with Alex's rings. I've noticed that I do that a lot. He doesn't seem to mind.
Sofia grins appreciatively, "Thank you for not getting mad."
I shake my head dismissively, "There's nothing to be mad at you for."
"If you don't mind me asking; what is your sexuality?" My boyfriend asks Sofia.
"I prefer no label. If I come across someone I like, I'll go for it, you know?"
"Yeah, I get you. Why did it take so long to say something? 'Cause, you know, Matthew's out and your parents are accepting. Course, you are allowed to go at your own pace, I was just wondering," he goes on to question.
I hadn't even been wondering that until now. Sofia knows that mum and Eva had very good reactions to my own coming out and that dad quickly learnt to accept my relationship, so there would have been nothing to worry about.
"I liked having my own little secret, for a bit. It felt a bit scandalous. I knew someday I was going to say something, and I wanted to eventually, but I also wanted to properly figure it out. Cami also didn't want people to know about our relationship and begged me to not even say anything about my sexuality when I said that I was ready to tell people, in case it made things suspicious. I agreed because I didn't want to ruin the relationship or make her mad. We realised that we weren't being as secretive as we thought we were so we upped our game in hiding it so you wouldn't find out. Now that I think about it, that's a bit...unfair of her."
All I have to say to that is what the hell. No, really, Camilla Gomez: fuck you.
"Yeah, it really is. Even if she's your partner, she doesn't have control over when you come out. I know it's the other way round and I was scared to come out, but Alex was so patient with me. That's what you deserve; someone who supports your decision," I add. My annoyance for Camilla has only risen even higher. I can't believe I was friends with her for this long.
But perhaps I can believe it. She wasn't always like this. Although, that could be down to me being the oblivious person I am. I won't know.
"You're lucky to have Alex," she tells me. Alex looks happy to be complimented, judging by the adorable way he's smiling to himself while trying to pretend that all his attention is on his now soggy cereal. "Don't worry, I'm telling mamma today, maybe dad if I feel like it. I'm not going to bother with Luca, and Eva already knows."
"She does?"
"Yeah, she noticed something was up with me last night, and when she asked about it, I told her. She found it funny that she has two queer siblings, but said that she's more than okay with it. Then she gave me a hug and told me that she loves me."
I grin, "We got lucky in the family department."
"We really did," Sofia says back before looking down at her phone and then standing up. "Anyway, I have to go. I'm meeting up with someone."
Alex and I say goodbye to her, Alex wishes her a good day, and she's soon out the room. A few moments later, the front door closes.
I have no idea how I feel right now.
I'm not given much time to think about it as Alex is sharpish with asking, "You okay, gorgeous?"
"Mhmm."
"Matthew..." he begins. He knows when I'm not fine and it's stupid to pretend that I am around him as he's quick to tell me that something up. He can read me like a book, just like Sofia, or at least he can use his common sense and put two and two together.
"It doesn't make sense and it's making me feel uneasy. She was so horrible about us, and before I blocked her I saw her post this negative thing about gay men on her instagram story, but she's in a gay relationship herself, and I know she's not a man, but it's still gay, and that's so hypocritical of her because how can a gay woman, or at least a queer women, be against gay men? That's not fair. I just—"
Alex takes ahold of my head and pulls it into his chest, kissing the top of it, "Don't get yourself worked up about it, angel. Cami's not worth your emotions or your time."
"I'll try not to," I reply, not saying anything else on the matter, as there pretty much nothing else to say. I lean up and kiss him, and then I change the focus of conversation onto him. "How are you doing this morning?"
I ask him how he's doing every morning when we wake up and each time I see him look spaced out or looking more down than usual, and I know he appreciates it, he told me as much. I especially want to know how he's doing this morning because he broke down again last night, and it sucks that he has to wait two months to get counselling, as I do think he's depressed. I can see it in his eyes most of the time, in a form of some glint of brokenness. I hate it because I love his eyes and I wish they would fully light up with happiness again.
He's even eating less now and that's concerning because he's all about eating healthy due to him being a working out nut, and he's so down a lot, especially at night. I'm trying to look into it, and I think when he sees a counsellor, I want to talk to that counsellor too about him, and my concerns, if that's allowed.
I think back to when something I was reading online recently. The article said that someone who is suffering something mentally should not immerse themselves in a relationship. Of course, in some cases, I agree because it strains the relationship and they get too distant and that's not good or healthy. For us, though, I think it makes us stronger. I'm not saying that I wouldn't be in this relationship if Alex had a stable mental health and loving parents, that would be weird, but we make each other feel loved, and I think that's special.
Look at what Alex has done to me and my mental health is definitely not top notch.
Alex has never distanced himself from me, not once during this whole thing happened, and because of that, I know that we're okay and that we're going to be okay. Our relationship is healthy. The worst has happened and our relationship only strengthened. I was scared that he would distance himself, I actually expected it, but he never did, and it's been nearly four months. We're happy.
"Better. You make things better," Alex responds as he puts his bowl and spoon in the dishwasher.
I lean over the counter, "Ti amo."
"I don't know how to say I love you too in Italian so I love you too."
"It's ti amo anch'io," I tell him.
"Ti amo onkeeo," He attempts.
"Anch'io," I correct him after laughing at his failure to pronounce it correctly.
"Anch'io," He copies, hesitantly yet almost perfectly.
"Perfect."
"You're perfect."
He leans over the counter towards me and presses a kiss to my lips. It's too short, and after it disconnects, I find myself pouting. He chuckles and kisses me again.
"Oh, you boys! Always kissing!" My mother exclaims as she walks into the kitchen. "I just got a text from Sofia, she came out to me! Word for word is," she looks down at her phone, "Literally just told Matthew and Alex this this and I thought I should tell you, beautiful mamma, but I like girls and boys and basically everyone. Love you, I'll be home for dinner... that is all she said to me."
Mamma has a smile playing at her lips. I raise an eyebrow. That quick and easy? I wish I was so laid back about my coming out.
"How do you feel knowing you have two queer kids?" I can't help but ask.
"Fabulous. I have got a whole mixture. We are a different family, I like that. Who's next? I am ready for it." She smiling to herself as she grabs a magazine off the counter. I'm not at all surprised by this response, seeing how she's acted towards the subject since I came out. All positivity and no dark clouds.
"I do feel some bisexual vibes coming from Isaak," I tell her. According to my dad, Isaak decided to run around nursery, trying to kiss anyone he came across, regardless of their gender. The teacher ended up having a word with my dad. I don't see the problem, though. Neither does my dad. He's really changed his thought process since I told him that Alex and I are in a relationship.
"We'll see. Amo tutti voi allo stesso modo (I love you all the same)."
"But I'm your favourite, right?" I tease.
"I do not have favourite," she scolds. I playfully wink at her. "Stop winking, I do not! I love all my children equally yet individually as you are all so different. And I love you too, Alex."
She kisses us both on the forehead and then she leaves the room.
After lunch, I drag Alex along with me to an art gallery opening that I didn't want to go to alone. I know he most likely didn't want to go as it's not something he's interested in, but he didn't let that show, and he agreed to come with me when I asked him. I love that he supports my interests; it makes me even happier.
We walk hand in hand as I gaze at the different paintings, trying to figure out the meanings before I read the plaque that is drilled next to them, telling us about the painters and why they painted the portraits. I assume Alex is just pretending to look engaged, sipping at the free orange juice we were offered on the way in. We couldn't have the wine, being under twenty-one.
This is what I want for my future; to have my own portraits and pictures displayed for everyone to see. A lot of the paintings are up for sale, at ungodly prices no less, and I imagine my own going up for auction, and people actually wanting to buy them and put them up in their homes, telling their visitors that "Matthew Jenkins painted that".
"I can imaging your own paintings displayed like this one day," Alex says after a while of me staring a synthetic Vincent Van Gogh Starry Nights painting. It's like he has been reading my mind.
I turn to face my boyfriend and smile, "Really? You believe in me that much?"
I don't believe in myself to ever think that any of my wishful thinking would come true, but Alex does. He believes in me, and he reminds me of that every time I sit down and draw or paint or sketch. He makes me show him the finished product, and he tells me what he likes about it, and every time, he insists I put it on my wall. If I don't like it, he takes it, and now he's started to put my work on the wall of his own bedroom in his apartment. Even the fridge has my art connected to it via magnet.
"Of course, I do. You know that. I'll be coming to all your openings and shows and everything, and when people are talking about your work, I will have the pleasure of telling them, 'my husband painted that'. Our house will be filled with with your artwork, just like your bedroom is, and I'll be able to show it all off and gloat about how talented you are."
"Husband? Our house?"
"Definitely. One day."
"One day."
One day. I can't wait.
Don't ever forget how beautiful you are.