You're a complete and utter piece of shit
It is bloody hot.
Because of this, Alex and I decide to meet up with Kenzie, Lucy and Jake at a popular local outdoor swimming pool near the beach. I almost regret this decision as soon as we arrive. Kids from our school are everywhere; even Alex's ex, who also happens to be my brother's girlfriend, Esme. Great.
I think that going out and having a bit of fun with our friends will help Alex. He's still not fine, and I don't expect him to be. I've been trying to keep him busy in any way that I can, mainly by getting out of the house. It seems to work, and I guess it helps him take his mind off things, I know it does for me. Staying cooped up indoors doesn't do anyone good; definitely not for someone who isn't OK right now.
I hesitate while taking off my shirt. I've never been made fun of for my body or anything, it really is all in my head, but while people aren't saying judgemental things out loud, that isn't to say it's not happening in their minds. Alex likes to remind me that people don't think of me anywhere as near as much as I think they do—except him. He thinks of me in sexy ways, he felt the need to add.
I take his reminders into account and assess how I think of others. I'm not judging them, I don't care what they're wearing, so why should they care about my body? This works enough to get me to not wrap my arms around my torso once my shirt is off. I've got nothing to hide because there's nothing to be ashamed of, to say to myself.
"Those are short," Alex had said to me when I walked out of the bathroom in just my shorts right before we left. I have longer shorts, but I wore short ones for a reason. To say fuck you to my stupid insecurities.
"It's a way of, like, trying to be more confident." I smiled, sucking in a breath, almost like I'm readying myself. For what, I don't know.
"I'm not complaining. They make your ass look great." He grinned cheekily. When I'm close enough, his hands are on them. "My sexy boy."
I intend to spend my time here sunbathing, so while Alex, Jake and Lucy go off to splash around in the pool, Kenzie and I stay behind on the sun beds, the sun hitting flush against our skin slowly tanning us, a few drops of water from the pool splashing us.
"Can you put sun block on my back, please? I can't reach," Kenzie asks me once the others have all jumped in the water.
The girl has not held back on the amount of skin that she's showing, wearing a skimpy black string bikini. She says that she doesn't care about the opinions of anyone else, and that misogyny can go and fuck itself. I want to be more like Kenzie: carefree and confident. I'm nowhere near, unfortunately. Of course, I'm not planning on parading around in a bikini—not that there's any problem with a guy doing that—but I would like to be comfortable in my own skin for once.
"Sure," I respond, so she hands me the sunblock and sits in front of me. As I get to work, I can see Alex looking at us. He suddenly looks unimpressed, and then he's laughing. I assume Kenz did something. "What did you do?"
"Fake moaned."
I give the exact same reaction as my boyfriend did.
When I'm done, Kenzie crawls onto her sun bed and lies back. I lie on my front as, even though I am wearing Alex's sunglasses, I don't like the sun in my eyes. I'm thankful that I have my Italian genes and I don't burn, although I can still feel the sun blaring on my back.
"Guess what?" I say, thinking that she'd want to get up-to-date with the Camilla and Sofia situation. It's been a few days since I found out and I am yet to tell her. I told Lucy and Jake a day after as they came over to hang out and Kenzie was busy that day.
"What?"
"Camilla and Sofia are a thing," I tell her, rolling my eyes at the fact.
Kenzie sits up straight, "Wait, what? Really? Shit."
"Are you OK?" I ask in confusion at her sudden panic, lifting myself up a bit using my forearms.
Kenzie isn't looking at me anymore. Instead, she looks straight ahead. Her eyes are shielded sunglasses, although I can tell that they're wide with worry. What's so worrying about my sister and Camilla being together? Sure, it's not great, but it's nothing to panic about, especially for Kenzie.
"Oh no," She mutters. She does eventually look at me, sucking in a breath. "Oh, God, OK. Um—before you had that fight with Cami, she and I had a little fling," She says, and it comes out rushed, like she doesn't want to hold back from the truth; like it needs to be out in the open as quickly as possible.
And it definitely does. Camilla and Mackenzie had a fling? Before we had the fight—that must mean that it happened while Sofia and Camilla were together, or else Kenzie would have said that it happened ages ago as my sister and Camilla got together about five or six months ago, further meaning that Camilla cheated on my sister.
"A fling?" I say, trying to grasp it.
Not only is she an arse who's homophobic towards queer men while also being queer herself, extremely weirdly, but she's also unfaithful. I am not surprised. Disgusted, yes, this is my sister's relationship we're talking about, but with everything that has happened between me and Camilla, anything horrible that she does now doesn't seem unlikely for her to do. I kind of expect the worst of her.
Kenzie looks awkward; almost as if she regrets it, "Yeah, like, we had sex three times."
Ew.
"When?"
"During that week were she didn't seem so off with me suddenly, about a month or so ago. After three times, she wanted to stop, and I didn't care, so I was fine with it, but then she went back to ignoring me and I just got pissed at her, especially when she said those things about Alex. She never told me she was seeing your sister. She didn't even say anything about a girlfriend, or else I never would have got involved with her."
"What did she say about me?" I can hear Alex ask from behind me. I turn around onto my back to see my boyfriend stood at the end of the sun bed, drinking from a bottle of water. He's dripping wet with the pool water, muscles rippling and the sun reflecting deliciously against them. I will never get used to the sight, my eyes moving shamelessly, roaming, memorising every part of him, ever dip of his abs and every dark patterns that scatters his skin. Yeah, I will definitely never get used to it.
I sit up and answer his question for Kenzie, "She mentioned something about you chewing so much gum because you suck a lot of dick, and then privately to me, she was always say stuff like she thinks either your sexuality is a phase or you're faking it so you would bait out queer guys to humiliate them. She also said that she couldn't understand how someone could like both genders, like it was one or the other, and that she thought you were just straight. She contradicted herself a lot with the laughing about you sucking dick and then saying how she thinks you're straight."
"If only she knew whose dick I was sucking," He mutters, sitting down at the end of the sun bed. I bite my bottom lip and chuckle.
Getting up, I shuffle to him, wrapping my arms around his torso once I've reached him and kissing his shoulder. He smiles, so I snuggle into the crook of his neck. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I just didn't think it would be important for you to know. I'm not planning on even talking to her any time soon, and I didn't want you getting mad."
Alex kisses my temple, "It's OK, baby."
I move my legs so that they're on either side of Alex while his back is still turned to me and cuddle into him more, relishing the feeling of having Alex in my arms. We're in public, surrounded by people who go to our school, and we're okay. No one even gives us a second glance, and if they are looking, it doesn't seem hostile. We've even had a few people smile at us. No one cares. We're treated like straight couples are treated. A lot of my anxiety about this has gone away. We're okay.
"I thought you were here to use the pool," I remind him.
"I missed you," He says, exaggerating a pout.
I catch that Esme girl looking at us from across the pool where she is stood by her own sun bed. I can't tell which one of us she's looking at specifically, but I put my money to Alex. To prove some sort of point, I kiss Alex on the lips, in front of everyone, because we can do that now.
Kenzie groans, "Please, don't start banging each other." She rolls her eyes jokingly and smiles. The smile quickly turns to a frown, and she looks down at her lap. "I'm so sorry, Matthew, I had no idea Cami was with your sister. I would never have done anything if I did know. I can't believe this, I cheated with her. Please don't be mad, I promise that I knew nothing."
I lean over and grab her hand reassuringly, "I believe you."
"What's happened?" Alex asks. I fill him in. "I think you should call Sofia and tell her, she deserves to know that her partner is cheating on her. You have her number, right? 'Cause you've been hanging out?"
Kenzie agrees with him and gets up to go and privately call Sofia. As soon as she's gone, I remove myself from where I'm clinging onto Alex's back and lie down on my front again to resume sunbathing. It's not long until I can feel the weight of Alex kneeling on the end of the sun bed, his hands on the back of both my thighs. Then they're trailing up, slipping under my shorts, onto my butt.
"Alex, we're in public!" I reprimand, making no move to get his hands off me. He gives me a quick squeeze and then his hands are gone. I can feel his lips on my back as he gives it a kiss.
"Come in the pool with me," Alex says for the umpteenth time since we got here, trying to pull me up. I firmly remain where I am, not even turning to look at him.
"I came here to sunbathe, not swim."
"Then sunbathe on one of these floaty things, just come in the pool with me. Please," He begs. I don't even have to look at him to know that he is pouting again. Such a kid, my boyfriend is.
We bicker about this for a good two minute until I eventually give up. "Fine."
Alex gets in the pool and grabs me a blow up float for me to use. Lucy and Jake are happy to see me in the pool, although I warn them, especially Alex, not to splash me. As I try to relax on the float, howbeit I am aware that Alex will go against my wish and will purposely splash me anytime soon, I observe how Lucy and Jake are acting towards each other. Couple-like, I would say. Jake can't keep his hands off her, and it seems that Lucy can't stop clinging onto him either. They're being flirtatious, really. I look over to Alex, who raises his eyebrows at me.
I wonder when they will tell us that they're in a relationship as it's been some time since we all started noticing how close they seem with each other. Since prom night, to be exact. I wonder if anything happened that night; they did go to that party together. However, I don't think Lucy is the type to have sex with someone so quickly. If they did do something, maybe they were at least dating before prom happened. I huff with impatience.
After about five minutes, Kenzie pads over to us and crouches down at the pool edge, smiling shyly.
"I called Sofia and she said that she's going to break up with Cami asap and thanked me for letting her know. Thank you for telling me. She didn't sound too heartbroken but I still feel so terrible."
I return her smile and thank her for telling my sister, assuring her that nothing was her fault. It was Camilla's responsibility to tell her about the relationship. I would never want Sofia to not know that her girlfriend is cheating on her while I do know, and I did think it was best if Kenzie told her as she is the girl Camilla cheated on Sofia with.
I make a mental note to check up on Sofia when I'm home. Even though she told me that she wanted to break up with Camilla, they were still together for about six months; she's bound to feel at least a little down about it. You'd expect someone to be loyal towards you if you're in a relationship with them. I know I'd feel terrible about myself because it would just make me feel that I'm not worthy enough for someone to care about our relationship.
As Kenzie walks back to the sun beds, I try to go back to what I was doing only to feel a push by Alex, the float tilting and my body violently falling into the water, the difference between the heat of the sun and the coldness of the water being very apparent. I can hear the muffled laugh of Alex while I'm underwater. I come back up coughing and spluttering, having accidentally swallowed the water.
"Alex! You dick!" I exclaim, shoving him playfully.
He pouts for the third time today and I can't stay annoyed at him for too long. I wrap my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist in a bear hug. I guess I still love him even if he did push me into the water after I specifically told him that I didn't want to get chlorine in my hair today.
I kiss him because...why not? I can. "My dick—wait, that doesn't sound right."
As Alex laughs, I catch sight of Esme looking at us again. This time, I'm very sure it's at Alex, and I am not appreciative at all at the way she is looking at him. For the reason that I am uncomfortable with that, and I have every right to be, I detatch myself from Alex and lift myself out of the pool.
"Where are you going? Don't leave me!" Alex calls.
"I'll be right back." I walk right up to Esme and tap her on the shoulder. When she turns around, I waste no time getting to the point. "Excuse me, hi, I don't want to start anything, but I would just like to say that I don't like the fact that you're giving my boyfriend eyes. I would appreciate if you would stop, especially as my brother is your boyfriend and I don't want him to be with someone who looks at other people like that."
"I wasn't giving him eyes, I watching you," She tells me. Me? I'm about to reply, but she carries on, pulling her blonde hair into a ponytail. "I know we don't know each other, and we've only ever met once, but I'm concerned about you."
"Concerned?"
"Look, Matt," she begins.
"No one calls me that. It's Matthew," I correct her. It's also Matty, but I won't tell her that because she's not my friend or a family member. She's my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend who also happens to be my brother's current girlfriend, who is telling me that she's...concerned about me...when we've met once and she knows hardly anything about me?
"OK, Matthew. Look, all Alex knows is sex, and I'm sure you two have had sex, so I'm concerned that he's using you. He's done it in the past. Alex and I use to date, and then we slept together, and he breaks up with me out of nowhere. He's done that to other girls too, and I'm sure he's done it to guys. I'm sorry I was so rude when we met, I was just jealous because I was trying to get over him. I really liked him and I was so pissed at him for breaking up with me like that. He's kept you round for longer than he's kept others, so maybe you're really good in bed and he wants you for a bit longer, I don't know, but there's a high chance that he's going to break up with you like he's done with me and others. I don't want you to get cheated on either. I say leave now before that can happen and he breaks your heart."
"I appreciate the concern, but it's not needed, and I'm not going to thank you for the warning either. I am sorry that you felt like that after Alex broke things off with you. I'm not going to defend him because I don't know what happened between you, and I'm not going to take any sides, but this is none of your concern. I do admit that Alex was a dick to people before, but you don't know how he's like now. I can tell you that he's changed. We've been together for almost four months and there has been nothing for me to worry about. It is my relationship, not yours, and you know hardly anything about it, so please don't assume things from his past actions. I hope you have a nice rest of your day."
I walk away before she can give a response.
I am so tired of this; of people who think they are allowed to give their input on my relationship, as though it will determine how I think of it. I trust Alex. I trust him with everything, and I know that he was horrible before, but he's not like that anymore. He's not like that with anyone, it's not just me he's changed around. I know Alex won't cheat on me, and I know that I have absolutely nothing to be worried about. I just wish people would shut the fuck up and focus on themselves. They don't know shit.
As I'm walking to our sun bed, I notice that Alex is out of the pool and talking to Nathan.
The reason for our first ever argument. Oh goodness.
I would say that now is not the time for jealousy, but I guess I was jealous of that fact that Esme was giving Alex the eyes...or so I thought. But this is different, right? Alex accused me of flirting with someone else. I never accused him of doing anything. I don't know.
Once I'm close enough to listen in, I can hear Alex say, "I'm sorry for being so rude the other night. I was just being a dick, I hope I didn't offend you or anything." This makes me smile appreciatively.
"It's all good. We all have those days," Nathan responds, touching Alex's arm. Alex visibly tenses. "I've got to go, Mason's waiting for me."
Mason? I look over to see him by the changing rooms entrance, watching my boyfriend and Nathan's exchange. He catches eyes with me and then quickly looks away, his cheeks flushing. I wonder if they're dating now. Nathan did tell me that he was going to ask Mason out.
Nathan gives me a bright smile as he walks past me.
I feel someone touch my waist. Already knowing that it's Alex, I turn to him. "Thank you for apologising to him, love."
He smiles, pulling me closer to him, "What were you talking to Esme about? You looked annoyed."
"I was annoyed. She told me to be wary of you and I told her that I have nothing to worry about," I answer. Alex clenches his jaw. "Did you break up with her right after you had sex?"
Alex briefly looks confused, "No, she broke up with me right after we had sex."
So she lied to me? Wow. Just to make Alex look bad. "She said you broke up with her for no reason. Why did she break up with you?"
"I kind of said the wrong name during sex and she got offended and embarrassed and didn't want to be with me any longer."
"Really? Whose name did you say?"
"Yours."
I laugh out loud at this.
That would mean she knew about Alex's queerness before Alex and I were even civil. At least she didn't tell people, but lying to me about the circumstance of their break up? What was the point in that? Why is everyone being so confusing lately?
Suddenly, Kenzie is rushing up to us and she does not look happy. "Cami's here. She's by the beach."
I don't know what comes over me, but I immediately walk towards the exit without checking to see if my boyfriend or best friend are following. I don't want to fight, I just want to give Camilla a piece of my mind and leave it at that. Closure, I think.
I spot her as soon as I'm onto the beach area. She sees me too and comes striding towards me. I halt and stay there.
"You ruined my fucking life! How dare you make Mackenzie tell Sofia!" She screeches. She's visibly angry; her hair is strewn, her cheeks red, her arms flailing about, the strap of her dress falling down to which she forcefully pushes it back up.
I scoff, "About your infidelity? You're disgusting."
She slaps me. Camilla actually slaps me across the face. It doesn't hurt that much, but I still touch a hand to my cheek in shock. What have I ever done to her? My relationship with Alex doesn't hurt her in the slightest. Sure, she doesn't like him, but what's me dating him doing to her? Nothing. And now she's assaulted me? What's happened to her?
"Oh, I kind of liked that. Wanna do it again, but harder?" I taunt.
"I was going to apologise for everything I did but I changed my mind. You are a self-centred, anxious, good-for-nothing, gold-digging whore who likes to fuck rich boys for money and has nothing going for you."
I can debunk almost everything she has just called me in an instant.
Self-centred—far from it. I'm in the active process of trying to love myself and be more comfortable with who I am.
Anxious—I'll give her that. It's not a insult.
Good-for-nothing—I have talents. I'm empathetic. I spend most of my days out of the house. I don't go around slapping people.
Gold-digging—I specifically told Alex not to spend large sums of money on me. It makes me feel uncomfortable for the very reason that I don't want to be seen as or feel like a gold-digger.
Whore—sure, since I've started having sex with Alex, I'm always crazy for his touch, but he's the only person I have sex with. Slut shaming me just doesn't make sense when I'm sexually active with one person, who happens to be my boyfriend that I'm in love with.
Fuck rich boys for money—I have never been paid for sex, not that there is anything wrong with people who do that.
Has nothing going for you—again, I have a talent which I will be able to use as a career in my future. I have a boyfriend who I plan to marry and have a family with. I have good enough grades to be able to get into a good university. I don't shame people.
"Okay," I state.
"That's all you've got to say? Okay?" She looks taken aback by my lack of emotion.
"Were you expecting a fight or something? I've had enough of you, Camilla. You're achieving nothing. Blowing out someone else's candle does not make yours shine any brighter. I hope you grow up."
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
I spin on my heel and saunter away. Kenzie walks past me. I hear the sound of another slap, and at first I think Camilla has decided that her palm hasn't had enough contact with another person's face, but then I look over my shoulder and see that it's Camilla who is cradling her own cheek.
"You're pathetic," Kenzie spits.
"You weren't saying that when I was in your bed."
"I wanted to. I had to fake it." Kenzie laughs.
I decide to stop listening in and rush straight to Alex, who is stood by the entrance of the pool. His expression is vexed, arms crossed and glaring in the direction of Camilla behind me, I assume.
"What did she say to you?" He asks, his gaze moving to me.
"Nothing. It doesn't matter," I brush it off.
"Matthew," Alex insists. "It's bad enough that she fucking slapped you. What did she say?"
"It really doesn't matter," I repeat. I want to forget about it and move on.
"I'm going to count to three, and if you don't tell me by three, I'm going to go over there and ask her myself, and we both know my voice will not be lowered. I am not happy with her."
"That's really not necessary, it's no big deal."
"One."
Wow. This is already oddly intimidating.
I keep my mouth shut and shake my head, not looking at him in attempt to not break.
"Two."
Is it weird that this is turning me on? Protective Alex is kind of hot.
What the heck, it's very hot.
"It really doesn't matter," I say for the third time. I kind of want him to keep counting. I blush.
"Three."
"OK, OK, she called me a whore and then said that I'm only with you for your money." I sigh and give up the ghost. "I'm just so fed up of her slut shaming me. She just has no idea how nervous I was when we were intimate for the first time, and I'm definitely not with you for money, you know how I don't like you buying me expensive things. I don't know what's she's trying to do, but it's just—I don't know. It doesn't make me feel great."
Alex kisses my forehead, "I'll sort it out, baby." Then he's walking away. I don't do anything to stop him. I hope that whatever Alex will say will get to her leave me alone for good.
Camilla's eyes widen once she sees how pissed of Alex looks as he stalks towards her.
"If you call my boyfriend a whore one more time I swear to God I will lose my absolute shit on you," He hisses through gritted teeth. I know this is supposed to be serious, and he's pissed at someone, and I'm supposed to be upset, but I can't help the fact that Alex acting this way is making me feel things. Oh goodness me. His dominance, I think, maybe.
"Your relationship must be so annoying, right? I mean, he panics about everything, and you're just a piece of shit," She replies. My expression drops and I'm no longer fanning myself over Alex. A familiar feeling hits my heart. Shame.
He's turned away from me, but I can see Alex's hands ball up into fists at his side, "I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"I mean, when I was friends with him, it used to annoy me how he would get anxious and have panic attacks about the smallest things. Like, isn't it an inconvenience to you sometimes? When you want to do something with him but can't because he's nervous and won't try? And I know you're a piece of shit, so I already know that you probably blow up on him about it, right?"
If it were any other time before our argument, I would be questioning if my anxiety is really that much of a burden to other people. But now I know that she's only say things like this to be spiteful. However, that doesn't mean that I don't feel terrible about myself. Even if she only said it because she's hurt, it isn't fair. It's not something that I can help, so to bring it up like that is entirely horrible. I try not to let it get in the way of things but there's nothing I can do to stop it. She's acting as though it's my fault. It's not, I know that now. Alex taught me that.
"Imagine feeling trapped inside your mind, absolutely terrified, not being able to think or see or hear clearly, not being able to breathe or talk properly, feeling like you are about to throw up, like you are about to die, like you are about to start sobbing, uncontrollably hyperventilating, being completely out of control of what is happening to your body, and then being told that you are being annoying and an inconvenience to the lives of other people. Matthew cannot help what happens to him when his body goes into flight or fight response when he comes across a trigger. He did not choose this, so you asking me if our relationship annoys me is insanely insensitive of you. If I hear that you have been talking to or about my boyfriend from now on, like the whore comments, I will lose my shit. Say what you want about me, but not about my Matthew."
Everything he says is the truth and it makes me want to cry because this confirms that he really does pay attention and listen. He understands.
Camilla scoffs, crossing her arms in an unbothered fashion, eyebrow raised, "Your Matthew? He's not property. Kind of disrespectful towards your own boyfriend, don't you think?"
I scoff too. It's tragic how she's trying to paint him out to be a bad guy. She really does know nothing.
"Oh, so now you're going to defend him? I don't treat him like property, I worship the ground he walks on. Don't talk to me about respect when you consistently slut shame him and tell him that his illness is his fault. You're a complete and utter piece of shit, Gomez. Go and fuck yourself."
Alex spins around, marches up to me without giving Camilla any time to reply, grabs my hand, and pulls me away back to the pool. Kenzie follows behind.
So much for not talking to Camilla anytime soon.
How are you feeling today?