𝘿𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙩𝙧𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙢𝙚?
The rest of the week was spent assembling all of the furniture which has been lying around. The first thing to have been put up was Alex's bed, meaning, on Tuesday, Alex had officially moved out of my house.
"Thank you so much for everything," Alex had said to my parents that day, his suitcase in hand as he stood by the door, ready for me to drive him to his apartment where he'll be living from then on. "It means a lot to me that you gave me a safe place to stay even though you hardly knew me. I honestly thought I was going to end up homeless. You didn't have to let me stay here for the past two months, yet you did, and I'll be forever grateful for it. Being cared for is different for me, I've never experienced it before, but it almost makes me feel worth it again. You cared so much about my situation, you were there when I thought I was going to have to go through it alone, and I would never have had the strength to have told the police anything if it weren't for you guys."
"Oh, Tesoro, you are making it sound like a goodbye!" My mother exclaims, visibly trying not to cry. It's now that Isaak comes bounding over to us, grabbing my hand.
"This is definitely not a goodbye," Alex chuckles, and then he ruffles Isaak's hair before turning to my mum. "Thank you for trying to contact my mom as well. I know that it probably won't be for a long time, but if she ever does come back to me, I will know that you helped so much, Tina. I'm really going to miss living here."
"Oh, it was our pleasure! You have been such a gem! We are always here for you whenever you need us, and you are always welcome here," My mum says as she pulls Alex into a hug. "I am going to miss having you around everyday. Thank you for all of the house work you did, and everything else you did for us. You could not be a better boyfriend for my Matthew."
"Thank you, son," My dad adds with a firm nod and a grip of his shoulder. This isn't a lack of sympathy; my dad just isn't an affectionate person, which is the opposite of my mother and I. It was even a surprise when he hugged me after I came out to him.
Isaak's grows visibly bored already, making sounds of annoyance and trying to pull me away. Alex smiles down at my little brother, "I'll see you later, little man."
"Leavin'?" Isaak asks, his little eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he looks down at the suitcase in Alex hand and the bag slung over his shoulder. He's old enough to know that this means that Alex is going somewhere.
"Alex is going to live somewhere else," I tell him, as soft as I can despite my own sadness about it all.
"Alex is leavin'," My little brother whines, looking up at me with wide eyes, now pouting. I knew Isaak would get attached; he always does. My mum had to pull him off his nursery teacher the other day.
Alex crouches down in front of him, "You'll still be seeing me, I just won't be sleeping here everyday or be here for every meal. I'll only be a few blocks away, and you can come to my apartment whenever you want."
"Don't go," Isaak begs, wrapping his small, chubby arms around Alex's neck. Alex hugs him back, looking up at me with an exaggerated frown which makes me laugh.
"I'll see you on Monday," Alex tells him, standing up. My mum picks Isaak up before he could try to properly cling to Alex. He does not try to protest, burying his face in the crook of his mother's neck.
Alex ended up giving my parents money, even if my mother did tell him he didn't need to multiple times. I don't know how much he gave my parents, they refuse to tell me, but I did see him whisper something to my mum as he handed her the envelope. I admit that I'm curious but I don't want to be nosy.
With a promise to attend every Friday night dinner and an invitation to spend dinner with us whenever he wants to, and Isaak crying about me leaving too, to which I told him that I'll be back tomorrow, Alex and I leave, and I felt sad about it. I've spent the past two months, give or take a week, with Alex living in my home and sleeping next to me. Now that's going to change. And I know, he's my boyfriend so he will be over a lot, but still. He won't live with me anymore.
That happened on Tuesday. It's now Saturday, and I've spend every night since then at Alex's.
We have a little schedule now. On Fridays, Erica drops Chloe off at my house, and Alex and Chloe spend dinner with us. If Alex wants to stay the night, Chloe will sleep in Isaak's room. Alex will spend Saturday with her, whether that's also with me will depend. Saturday nights are Alex and I's date night with either my mum, Sofia or Eva looking after Chloe at the apartment. I'll spend every Saturday night there.
The schedule officially begins next week.
"Speak Italian to me," Alex proposes.
We're messing about on his bed, waiting for twenty past seven so we can leave for our seven thirty reservations at Castillos—the restaurant my family and I went to to celebrate Luca's college admission. I really liked it, so I mentioned it to Alex and he said he's never been, thus I told him that I'll take him there.
Alex pulls me over him so that I'm straddling him as he lays back. I give him a chaste kiss on the lips and smirk.
"Darti il mio cuore e amarti sono le cose migliori che abbia mai fatto. La mia vita è cambiata in meglio grazie a te." I impart in a seductive tone to throw him off. It's funny to think that, if I don't tell him, he'll never know what I said. I could be talking about my love for rubber ducks and he'd still act all turned on. I thrill my tongue for effect.
"That's so hot," He breathes out. He smirks. "I hope what you're saying is dirty."
"Very dirty," I lie. "Too filthy for you to know."
As I lean down to kiss him, his phone alarm annoyingly goes off, letting us know that it is twenty past seven. I ignore it and capture Alex's lips with mine. He kisses back for a little before pulling away.
"We're going to miss our reservations if we don't stop now, and I'm hungry."
"You have a full course meal right on top of you," I say, purposely biting my lip. When Alex gives me an unimpressed look, I sigh and begrudgingly get off him. Soon, we're sat in my car, Alex's hand on my thigh as usual.
We're only a few minutes late for our reservation and we're shown to our table right away. I remember this table as the one where I saw the gay couple sat at last time I was here. Now we're that gay couple, looking soppily into each others eyes, unapologetically holding hands on top of the table, so full of love for one another—just younger.
You'd think we'd have nothing to talk about, having spend everyday together for the past two months, but we always do. Our conversation flows from Alex going back to the B.P.A.C after a while and having to actively avoiding Esme, me telling him that Esme is now dating my brother, to embarrassing obsession from when we were younger and how the traits of our astrological signs don't fit in with either of our personalities.
We're interrupted when the waiter asks for our drink order, arrives with said drinks and asks what we would like to eat, and comes by with our food. We don't stop talking and it's astonishing to me.
I often find myself wondering what married couples have to talk about other than what happens at work. I'll sit there and watch my parents as they engage in a deep conversation, and try to come up with anything that they have to talk about. They've been married twenty years and they're always talking.
I hope Alex and I will be like that; invariably having something to say to each other and invariably keeping our relationship alive and exciting, drinking too much red wine when I'm finally off my medication and talking. Debating. Gossiping like the queer men we are.
"Are you getting dessert?" I ask him as our empty plates are cleared away.
Alex leans forward and smirks, "If you're on the menu then sure."
"Matthew?" I hear someone say my name. Alex and I both look up, and, oh, stare-heavy waiter guy from last time I was here. Nathan. I gave his snapchat to Mason. Oh shit, maybe he's here so he can have a go at me for that.
"Oh, Nathan, right?" I question, making sure to sound unsure to cover my tracks. I silently plead that Mason did not tell him that he received Nathan's snapchat through me.
"In the flesh," Nathan grins. "But, please, call me Nate."
"Okay, Nate. How do you remember me? It's been, what—three, four months?" I point out.
"I don't think I'd ever be able to forget a face like yours," He says flirtatiously, smirking. I notice Alex shift and sit up fully, making sure to make noise. Nathan pays no heed to my boyfriend's attempts to make himself known.
"I'll take that as a compliment, unless you think that my face is unforgettable because it is so hideous," I respond jokingly.
"It is a compliment, don't worry. I think you're far from hideous."
Alex clears his throat, to which he has finally caught the attention of the waiter, who hasn't given him a single glance since he arrived at our table. Much the opposite, Alex hasn't taken his eyes off him once. His expression is impassive; stony, if something.
Nathan inclines his head towards Alex for a quick second as a way of gesturing to him. "Boyfriend of yours?"
"Yeah," I smile. "Alex."
"Nice to meet you." Nathan turns to him and outstretches his hand. Alex ignores it, leaving Nathan to awkwardly stuffs his unwanted hand in his pocket and act as though that didn't just happen.
Alex sniffs pompously, "Yeah."
I kick Alex under the table for his rudeness. He glares at me in a 'what did you do that for?' manner. I glare back as if to say 'why do you think?'
"I'm kind of disappointed," Nathan begins, and our attention is back on him again. "You promised me you were going to come and find me once you were ready for a boyfriend."
"Yeah, well, you can't always get what you want in life," Alex responds before I can. To be honest, I don't know what I'm supposed to say to Nathan's comment. He must be quite sure of himself to say that in front of someone who I introduce as my boyfriend. I shift awkwardly.
Nathan nods, "Touché."
"Excuse me," My boyfriend announces as he stands up. He then walks away, presumably to the bathroom, and Nathan sits in his seat. I'm not sure what to think of this.
"Thank you for giving my snapchat to Mason, by the way," The waiter credits me, smiling.
Thank you? Oh, that's a relief, he's not mad.
"He told you?" I ask nervously. Don't be dim, Matthew, how else would he know? I cringe and tell myself that it would be best if I apologised, even if he thanked me. It was a stupid idea and I should have simply told Mason that I could not help him. Nathan nods. "Sorry for doing that. I just thought—"
"No, don't worry, I know why you did it, he told me. Thank you, again. I'm glad you gave him it."
I think back to why I gave Mason his snapchat, and I assume he was aiming to get what he wanted from me from Nathan, and if Nathan is glad I did give him the snapchat then...
"Did you two...you know...hook up?" I question, giving him a sort of suggestive look, then I realise that there are boundaries when talking to people. I don't socialise enough to remember. "Sorry, that's intrusive."
"Well..." Nathan starts, biting his lower lip.
I gasp almost excitedly, "You did!"
"Mhmm, after a bit of talking and him explaining stuff to me. I thought I'd be helpful and step up, like he's exactly my type and he's really sweet, and I've got to say that I am a bit of a slut. Anyway, I kind of caught feelings, and I think he may like me too. I'm going to ask him out tonight."
"Well, if you end up falling in love and living happily ever after, you'll have me to thank," I tell him, proud of myself for actually achieving the good in this. I should be some sort of match-maker—only if it all works out. It may go terribly wrong and it will be in my hands and...oh shit.
Nathan reaches over and puts a hand on my arm, "You seem like a great guy."
The sound of someone clearing their throat resonates next to the table. Alex. Nathan jumps up, to which Alex takes his seat back.
"Anyway, I'll leave you guys to it."
"Good luck," I call. Nathan pulls a nervous face and crosses his fingers before walking away into the kitchens. "You were quick," I say to Alex. It felt like he took two seconds. He doesn't respond. His impassive look is now definitely stony. What's his deal? "Are you mad at me?"
"Nope."
I don't believe him for one second. He isn't looking at me; an overt sign that he is lying. Unless something happened in the bathroom, which can't have been on his phone because he left it on the table, it has to be to do with me. It can't be about his mother because he looks pissed off, not dejected.
"What did I do?" I quiz. No response. "Alex, tell me. I want to know what I did wrong." No response. "Alexander!" He finally looks up at me, the same expression as if he's a deer caught in headlights.
His expression relaxes and it goes back to frosty, "I don't really feel like discussing it here."
I clamp my mouth shut and don't say a word as Alex gestures for the bill and pays, or when we get up and leave. I hang behind a bit as he walks ahead, not looking back to see if I'm following him.
He's mad at me. He's never been mad at me before, and I don't know how to act. We've never had any sort of fight or even a simple argument. The only time he's gotten only a little bit irritable with me is when I kept asking him to tell me what he was feeling, and he apologised straight away.
But here he is now, walking away from me, indignation simmering beneath his surface that I can so easily see it in his eyes. I hate it. Fuck.
My anxiety kicks in because this is what I've been so afraid of. We've been the perfect couple since we got together. Then again, I guess this is inevitable. No person or couple is perfect, right? Every couple fights at some point, and if this will be our first argument, I hope we get it out the way quickly and go back to normal. As far as I'm concerned, I haven't done anything wrong. Maybe it's an overreaction and he'll realise that soon. Or maybe it's not.
What have I done? I rack my brain for anything I may have done wrong, my heart beginning to beat erratically, but nothing comes to light. If it's to do with Nathan, he was the one being all flirtatious, but maybe that's just how he is. He was talking to me about how he fancies Mason. There's nothing I did wrong there, anyway, so it can't be that. But I can't think of anything else. Why would he be mad at me for that? That's not fair.
What if someone from our school saw Alex in the bathroom and told him some lie that he believed? I slowly look around me to see if I can spot anyone but everyone here are strangers. Calm down, I tell myself. That theory is a bit too far fetched.
Alex halts when he reaches my car but doesn't get in. Instead, he pulls out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I scoff. He's been doing so well and he's just going to throw that all away because he's mad at me? And why is he carrying around cigarettes when he's trying to quit? Is he trying to dig his own grave?
Perhaps you can talk to me instead of potentially ruining your lungs, I want to say to him. I don't.
"You're smoking? Seriously?" No response. "I'll wait in the car then."
I sit in the car while he takes his sweet time with smoking, a cloud of smoke leaving his lips and hitting the slightly tinted windows of the car from outside. When he's finally done, he gets in and doesn't say a word for the whole journey. He spends the time with his gaze fixed out of the window, sulking. I turn on the radio to fill the tense silence. For fuck's sake, how are we supposed to fix this if he isn't going to talk to me? Now I'm not so angry. I'm not so mad, but I am started to get annoyed myself.
"You're supposed to communicate in a relationship," I say, letting my annoyance get the better of me. No response. I huff.
We're soon parked outside the apartment block. Alex gets out without a word, so I follow him up to his apartment.
Once we're inside, I turn to him and cross my arms over my chest, "You've hardly said a word to me since we left. Are you going to explain what I could have possibly done to piss you off?"
He throws his keys onto the counter and undoes the second and third button of his shirt. Usually, I would like this, but now I couldn't give two shits about how attractive he is. "I don't appreciate you flirting with other people. Especially not right in front of me. That's like a kick in the gut."
"Flirting? When was I flirting?" I ask, playing dumb. It's about Nathan, I already know that. But I didn't do anything wrong. I spoke to him like how I would speak to anyone I don't dislike.
"Uh, that waiter guy."
When the hell was I flirting with him? "Huh?"
"I'll take that as a compliment," He retorts, mocking my accent, "and the arm touching, and the giggling, and I heard it when you said he had your snapchat."
"First of all, I don't sound like that, nor do I giggle. I'm not a twelve-year-old girl. Second of all, I wasn't flirting, I was just being friendly. There's a difference. I got his snapchat when I met him the first time which was before you. Like I said to him, it was like four months ago."
Alex scoffs disbelievingly, "It sure as hell looked like flirting."
I can't believe this. Jealousy.
I understand him getting jealous of the fact that Nathan was flirting with me, that's natural, and I admit that if it were the other way around, I would feel a bit jealous of another man's attention on him too. But it was clear that I wasn't the one who was doing the flirting. I was joking in a friendly manner. I would have said 'I'll take that as a compliment' to anyone because I was taking it as a compliment and felt I should let him know in case it was not a compliment.
"It doesn't matter what you perceived it as, I'm the one who was supposedly flirting, and if I say I wasn't flirting then I wasn't."
His expression doesn't change. I'm telling the truth, why doesn't he believe me? I've never given him a reason to not trust me, ever.
"Did you do stuff with him?" Alex questions and my eyes widen. What? So he thinks I've cheated on him? Is this how he thinks of me then? Like a whore, just as Camilla called me? "When you first met him, did you do stuff with him?" He continues.
Oh.
"I met him in that restaurant one time. Do you really think I would go to the bathroom with a stranger to get fucked or something? What, you think I'm that much of a skank? You know you're the first guy I've ever had sex with."
I want to cry. So now he doesn't believe the fact that he's the only guy I've ever had sex with? Where is this lack of trust coming from?
"I don't mean full sex, I just mean stuff."
Oh.
I guess I never told him he was the first guy I've ever did something sexual with. It's always been about full sex. I think so anyway; I can't fully remember. Still, he doesn't believe the not flirting, and that hurts. I don't let my hurt show and I hold my own, standing up straight. I have my own back about this.
"I fail to see why that matters. You've slept with countless people, you even got someone pregnant, and I don't judge you for that because I know it's your past. So whether or not I did stuff with Nathan, before you and I were even civil, might I add, it doesn't affect us in any way. It's not like I'd cheat on you," I respond despairingly.
No response.
Oh my fucking god.
"Why don't you believe me? You seriously think I would cheat on you with some random guy I met at a restaurant one time?"
Alex's coldness seems to break, and now he just looks desperate, "No, it's not that, I trust you—I saw the way he looked at you, and you were all smiley back, and then the flirting—"
This is insanely pathetic and so stupid of him to pick a fight about. This jealous—it's early teenage years shit, or at least early relationship level. I thought we both trusted each other not to be even suggestive to other people. I know I trust him not to be, why is this not reciprocated? I have never ever ever given him any reason to not reciprocate.
I don't care about the desperation he's showing because he's still continuing to say that I was flirting when I wasn't, and it's fucking annoying, "Oh my God, I was not flirting with him! Why would I even do that in front of you?"
Alex raises his eyebrows and licks his teeth, "Oh, so you'd do it when I'm not there? How many people have you flirted with behind my back then?" He spits.
"That's not what I meant!" I almost yell.
"What did you mean, then?"
"Alex, I love you. I would never even look at someone in a way that would seem suggestive. I can't believe you would ever think that I would."
That's the truth. 100%. I have never loved anyone like how I love Alex. I don't want to lose him, ever, regardless of how pissed off I am at him right now. He's the love of my life and, before this, he's made me feel so good about myself. I would never throw that away by doing something stupid.
Alex is a lot calmer now, which is nothing I can say for myself. "I didn't think you'd do that, the thought had never crossed my mind. I'm only saying this because that's what it looked like to me. Can you not take that into perspective and at least apologise?"
"I'm not going to apologise for something that I didn't do. I was not flirting and I was not being suggestive in any way. I really don't care how it seemed to you. You're being unfair."
"No, you're being unfair because you're dismissing my feelings."
"You're dismissing mine! What matters is my intentions. I can't believe you would think these things of me. Flirting is not cheating anyway. I don't get why you're making such a big deal out of this."
"Because you're mine! You know what people think when they're being flirted with? They think that you're someone who wants to get into bed with them. I don't want people thinking that of you. I like to think that you don't want people to think that of me, so I don't flirt with other people. We're together, the only people that we should be acting like that towards is each other."
"I wasn't flirting! You're blowing this way out of proportion and it's entirely stupid! I dread to know how you would react if you knew about Mason."
I regret it as soon as it leaves my mouth. My eyes widen and I refrain from clamping my hand over my mouth. I don't want to look suspicious and piss him off even more.
Alex's expression drops entirely and the colour drains from his face. He looks nervous. "Mason? What about Mason?"
"I didn't mean to say that."
"Answer my question," he insists. "What about Mason?"
"It's nothing really. It was at prom. He tried to kiss me, but I pushed him away before he could, and then he asked to have sex with me, which I refused. I didn't cheat or anything," I assure him.
Him thinking I was flirting was one thing. Him thinking that I'm a cheater is a whole other level that I do not want to cross. Never in a million years will I do that to him. I trust he won't to that to me.
Trust. See, I trust him with everything.
I inwardly pray that this is just a blip that he will learn from. That we will both learn from in some way.
"God, this is so fucking frustrating. Why can't people respect that you're mine?" He runs a shaky hand through his hair. "Let me guess, you were flirty and that's why he thought it would be OK to do that?"
He's really blaming me?
The urge to cry intensifies but I keep it in with all my might. I am not going to break down right now. Not when I've been so strong. I just want a hug, to be honest, and for this to be over. I hate this so much. I know we'll recover from this but it's still so horrible.
Fighting with someone you love feels like the worst thing ever. I feel near the same as my fight with Camilla. Not as bad, though. Camilla was definitely worse because I knew we won't ever get over that and reunite as the friends we once were. My luck has been so shitty recently. If I have one more fight, I think I'll loose it and have a proper mental breakdown.
"Do you not trust me?" I ask, quietly, like I'm afraid of the answer he will give me.
"I do trust you very much. I just don't trust other people when it comes to you, especially if that is your idea of simply being friendly. Look at yourself. Of course people want to fuck you."
I feel a jab at my heart. I feel dirty somehow.
"You should trust that I won't let other people do anything with me," I say, and suddenly I need to be on my own. My hands drenched with sweat, my whole body is shaking, and I feel like I'm suffocating. It's only now that I notice my anxiety, the nervousness and annoyance of the situation surging through me. "You know what, fuck this. I'm going home."
"Matthew—" He starts.
"I think I should sleep in my own bed at some point this week. Don't bother following me. Please. Just leave me alone."
I turn and exit the apartment, closing the door behind me. And I run. I can hear a door open and close once I'm halfway down the first flight of stairs, and although I can't be entirely sure that it was Alex, I speed up, blocking out any of my surrounding, and I'm soon out the building. Not giving myself time to catch my breath, I'm in my car and driving home.
Our first fight: done. I never want to experience that again.
Please God, let me never experience that again. I don't want Alex to break up with me.
Please.
You're a strong ass bitch, you hear me?
(Please do not take offence to the word bitch, I do not mean it in an offensive way 🥺)