a sleepy boi
++|++
The next few days, the pair of them feel as if they're on autopilot. It's just a constant cycle of feeds and changing nappies and truthfully, neither of them are quite sure what day it is.
Roxanne is a paranoid mess. She knew that this first few nights were going to be the hardest test but so far, without having the nurses and the doctors there to help if it's needed, she's starting to think that they truly underestimated how hard this was going to be.
John is fast asleep beside her, completely dead to the world and honestly, she envies him. She's tired, god is she exhausted but she just can't bring herself to come away from the crib. She's just watching Arthur sleep.
When he starts crying, Roxanne is up before John can even stir, scooping the little one up so she can carry him out into the living room.
"Shh," she whispers, pressing a kiss to his forehead, "What's going on, lovie, hm?"
Then, she smells it. She never thought that someone so small could produce something that smells so bad but here was the evidence that they certainly can.
She changes him quickly, watching the nurses at the hospital has taught her well and once Arthur's all clean, she snaps the buttons of his baby grow back into place and wraps him back up in his blanket - just enough so he's snug and it's not too tight.
John wakes when she returns back to the bedroom, bringing a hand to wipe at his tired eyes before he sits up.
"He's up?" he asks and Roxanne shushes him, making him quickly lower his voice, "I didn't hear him. 'm sorry love."
"That's alright," she murmurs, lowering him back into his crib, "I was awake anyway."
He frowns, reaching out a hand to rest it on her back, "Have you slept at all?"
They'd both gone to bed early, taking the doctors advice of when Arthur is sleeping, they should be to and it had just gone 1:24.
When she doesn't answer him or move to come lay down beside him, he shuffles over to her so he can rest her head on her shoulder, "He's alright, you know."
He feels her sigh as she leans her head against hers, "I know. I just...I'm scared."
"Why?"
"What if something happens to him? You read all of these stories and-"
"Alright," he cuts her off, "I knew Freddie giving you that book was a mistake. Listen to me, yeah? He's fine."
"But what if-"
"Nothing is going to happen to him, Roxanne," John repeats softly, "He's safe. Now c'mon." She turns as he moves back to his spot on the bed, patting her side of the bed with a smile, "You need to get some sleep. Remember what they said at the hospital?"
Nodding, Roxanne slowly makes her way around the bed, feeling John's gaze on her as she gives Arthur one last check and once she's settled in beside him, he makes sure that she's got an adequate amount of blankets before he wraps his arm around her.
"I'll get him if he wakes," he promises, "Okay?"
"Okay," she agrees, forcing herself to relax. He was fine. Arthur was fine.
As promised, the second time the baby woke up, he pulled himself from the warm confines of the bed to see to him.
This time, John isn't quite sure what the baby needs but he seems to settle down again when John walks around the living room with him, humming softly under his breath while Casper and Amos watch him curiously - as if they were saying what is this tiny creature and why is it disturbing our slumber?
"Sorry guys," he shrugs, "This is our new normal now."
Yeah, they weren't impressed in the slightest.
++|++
The third time Arthur wakes, Roxanne feels as if she's barely been asleep for ten minutes.
Forcing herself to open her eyes, she glances at the clock before looking at John, seeing that, once again, he's dead to the world.
Not having the heart to wake him, she gets up and pads around the bed to see to him.
It's been a while since his last feed and so she carries him back through to the living room so they don't wake John, sitting down on the couch while undoing a couple of the buttons of John's shirt at the same time, resting her head back against the couch.
He doesn't latch on. So now, she's not entirely sure what's wrong with him. If he's not hungry, what else could it be? She waits for a couple of minutes though, giving Arthur a little bit of time but he clearly doesn't want to feed, little hand practically pushing her away and so she gives up, quickly buttoning up the shirt again while he continues to wail.
His nappy is also clean and dry, which means that he doesn't need changing, so Roxanne stands up and starts rocking him back to sleep, singing the same song that she sang to him in the hospital but it doesn't do anything and Arthur continues to cry.
Roxy looks up at the ceiling, silent begging herself not to start crying. Why wasn't he settling down? Why couldn't she tell what he needed?
She tries for another ten to fifteen minutes and when the baby is still crying -and she is too- she throws in the towel and returns to the bedroom to wake John.
"John?" she whispers, trying to wipe away the tears on her cheeks before he wakes, "John?"
He makes a sort of humming noise but doesn't wake - how he's managing to sleep through Arthur's crying, Roxanne really doesn't know because the kid is currently wailing.
"John, please," she begs, resorting in giving his shoulder a firm but gentle shove, which finally wakes him.
It takes him a few moments to wake up properly but once he does and he hears Arthur crying and sees Roxanne's tears, he quickly sits up.
"Hey," he murmurs, "What's going on?"
"I-I don't know what's wrong with him," she chokes, "I don't-he doesn't want fed, he's clean and dry. John, I-"
He gets up from the bed and wraps his arms around her, Arthur still crying in between them. It hurts him to see her like this; all upset when all she wants to do is take care of him =.
"You said you tried feeding him?" he asks softly, taking Arthur from her as she nods.
"He wouldn't latch on," she wipes at her eyes, mouth dropping slightly when his cries quieten down a little bit, "I-how did you do that?"
"Do what?" John continues to rock Arthur and it's not long before he's fast asleep again and instead of calming down, Roxanne feels herself getting even more upset.
"Rox?" he questions, "Come on, love, please don't cry."
"I can't help it," she sniffles, "I just feel like I cant tell what he wants. What he needs."
John frowns and places Arthur down in his crib, making sure he's snug in his blanket before he sits down on the bed.
"Hey," he whispers, pressing his forehead against her shoulder.
"I feel useless," she cries, wiping her eyes once more, "Why can't I tell what he wants?"
"Rox," he sighs, wrapping his arms around her again, "This is new to us both, Rox."
"But I'm supposed to be know. I'm supposed to be his mum. I feel like I'm failing him."
"Don't say that," he kisses her forehead, "You're tired, love. We both are and running on this little sleep, it's not helping either of us."
"Will it get easier?"
"It will," he promises, "But it'll just take a little bit of time."
"I love you," she whispers, "And I'm sorry that I woke you."
"Don't apologise, Rox. We're in this together."
"You not going to say it back?" she teases and he's relieved to see a smile back on her face. In response to her question, he rolls his eyes, kissing her softly.
"I love you too."
++|++
me; i'm going to write a full chapter today!
also me five minutes later;
this is exactly why the chapter is so late in going up - i have the attention span of a goldfish
i won't lie to you guys, i don't know why but this story...i'm finding it a lot harder to write compared to STL and it sucks because i love this story and i want to write the best possible chapters for you guys but it's just so hard sometimes