Adam's POV
I paused in front of my dorm room door, my hand hesitating over the door handle.
Shit.
I'd been pacing the hallway outside of my dorm for the last twenty minutes, trying to work up the courage to face Terrence.
I had a bad habit of using substances and now people to distract me from my problems. And I had to start facing them.
Even though I really, really just wanted to take a bottle of Jack Daniels and let everything fade away.
Open the door, Adam.
And then I was pacing the hallway again.
I knew that Terrence was in there. Now that Finals were over, most kids were getting kicked out of the dorm rooms for the winter break.
Unless you're a football player who still has practice and is in bowl season preparations.
So without the distraction of classes, Terrence was bound to be catching up on all of the time he missed out on playing the Sims.
Terrence could get lost in the Sims.
Our joint dorm room door opened, Laurence stepping out into the hallway. He raised an eyebrow at me in question.
"Just getting some fresh air," I said.
"Sure thing."
I waited for Laurence to leave before pausing in front of my dorm room door again.
Open it, Adam.
My heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest as I stood there, staring at the door handle.
One. Two. Three.
I threw open the door.
As predicted, Terrence was sitting on his bed with his laptop.
"Hey," I said, as he glanced up at me.
"Hey."
My movements felt robotic as I forced myself to walk inside and shut the door behind me.
Is it too late to run?
I hadn't really thought this far ahead.
"Sarah said you left her dorm room hours ago," Terrence said.
I nodded. "I went and got coffee. And then paced the hallway for a bit."
"Have you talked to your dad?"
I shook my head.
"He's been blowing my phone up. I guess Michael called him."
Doesn't surprise me. "Well I used my dad's credit card. So he was bound to find out."
Terrence rolled his eyes. "Rich people."
And then we were both laughing.
I crossed the room and sat down on my futon, letting out a small sigh. "So I guess we need to talk?"
"We can."
"I'm just not sure what about."
I'd been running through this conversation in my mind for hours, but I couldn't exactly pinpoint what I'd been so upset about to start with.
I didn't care that Terrence was gay, I never had.
If my brother was gay, or bisexual, or whatever the hell he identified as, that didn't bother me either.
But something did. I just couldn't figure out what.
"Maybe I shouldn't have said anything," Terrence said. "Mike... Michael wasn't in a place where he was ready to talk about it. And while I respect his wishes, it put me in a hard place between two brothers. Three brothers."
Three brothers.
"One of them being my best friend," Terrence said, gesturing toward me. "And one of them being... someone I cared about. And while I wanted to protect Michael, I wanted to protect you too. It was shitty of me. So fucking shitty. But I just wanted to try to keep everyone afloat."
"It's not shitty to care about Michael," I said. "And I'm sorry that we ever put you in a position between us. I didn't know... I didn't know you cared about him. I thought it was just another side project."
Terrence chuckled. "That's an interesting way to call me a whore."
"Do you care about him? Still?"
The smile fell off of his face, and I could see the confliction on in his eyes. "You're my best friend, Adam. I know that it hasn't been easy, but I love you first and foremost."
"That doesn't answer my question."
"That's the best answer I have."
How did everything get to be so complicated?
"If I hadn't gone off the deep edge, lost myself in the alcohol, would you still be with Michael?"
Terrence shook his head. "We broke up right after everything with Lucas. I couldn't... Not after. Not without coming clean. And Michael wasn't ready."
Everybody was holding onto a piece of Lucas's death. And maybe that's why I was so upset. I didn't know how to let go of the blame.
I'd been holding onto it for so long. And now I realize that so had Terrence. And Michael. And undoubtedly my dad, and my mom for the days that she could remember.
There were so many pieces to that had fallen into place on that day, that ultimately left me to be the one to pick up Lucas. That had left me to be the one to drive him home that day.
It had been Michael's day to pick him up. But Michael had been distracted with Terrence. My dad hadn't been able to leave the office. My mom was at a doctor's appointment, the first of what would be many. And I was too tired to be behind the wheel.
"Where's your head, Adam?" Terrence asked.
"Overwhelmed."
He nodded. "Do we need to take a walk?"
I shook my head as I stood up. I'm not running away this time. "I need to know who you blame for Lucas's death."
Terrence's eyebrows furrowed together. "What?"
"Whose fault is Lucas's death?"
"It's nobody's fault. I've told you before, and I'll tell you every single day if I have to. As much as I try to blame myself, as much as I struggle to let it go, I'm trying to cope with the fact that I'm not to blame. Michael is not to blame. Your dad is not to blame. Your mom is not to blame. And you are not to blame."
Lucas died. And nobody is to blame.
"That doesn't feel right."
"It's not going to," Terrence said. "Don't forget, while you were in rehab, the rest of us went to therapy. And while Michael is the only one who still goes, I still learned a lot about myself as a whole. And one of those things is how to start the process of letting things go. I work on that process every day, and sometimes it feels like I'm starting all over. But I'll never stop working on it."
And now it was supposed to be my turn. "I can't just let it go, Terrence."
"Nobody said letting go meant to forget."
I slowly nodded as I sat back down on my futon. "Maybe I could try that."
"I think you could, too. I think you're finally ready."
~*~
The team sat in anticipation, as we waited for the bowl game announcement.
We were anticipating a New Year's Six bowl game. We were rumored to be announced in the Cotton Bowl. And we were rumored to be playing against Baylor.
I'd been studying Baylor's defense with Coach, working on the playbook for the bowl game. But of course it was all rumored.
Now was the official announcement.
"And now for the Orange Bowl," the announcer stated. "A match-up of Auburn versus Baylor."
Shit.
I immediately glanced toward Coach in confusion as the team began to speak up around the room.
If Auburn was scheduled to play Baylor, who the hell were we up against?
"Quiet!" Coach announced. "Adam?"
I got up from my seat in the watch room, headed over to Coach. I slid down into the empty seat next to him.
"You know who we're left to be paired up with, right?" he asked, his voice low.
Of course. "Unfortunately."
"And for our last announcement," the announcer stated. "We have the Cotton Bowl. A match-up of Vanderbilt versus The University of Southern Cal."
Terrence's eyes snapped back to meet mine, clearly just as thrown as I was.
"Time for another brother vs. brother match-up," Coach said, slapping me on the back. "And I expect a win this time."
"Looks like a family reunion," Terrence said, coming up beside me.
Can't wait.
Thoughts? Favorite part of the chapter? Was it what you expected?
I'm currently procrastinating straightening my hair because it literally takes FOREVER. First world problem, I know. But it's so time consuming to look presentable for work.
Teaser: Sarah's POV, obviously. I think we know how this works by now. Adam asks Sarah to uphold a football tradition... Any guesses as to what that might be?
This book updates on Monday.