-very slight smut
-boyfriends yoonkook
-major angst
-death
-suicide
-depression
-self harm
❗️i'd advice you don't read if you're under the age of 15.
stay safe 💘 - EJ
bts were on top of the world.
sold out stadiums? check.
countless awards? check.
millions of fans? check.
severe depression? che- wait a minute...
that's not supposed to be there, right?..
right?
x
"baby, you need to take your pills"
"why should i? they do nothing, just make me feel dizzy" jungkook stated, looking up at yoongi - who was standing next to jungkook's bed.
"please honey, just take them for me then, i hate seeing you like this."
"we all do" added hoseok, as he walked into jungkook's bedroom, jungkook rolled his eyes - but still put the two small pink pills in his mouth, swallowing them without water, which made the other two grimace. (i do this lol and it freaks my friends out)
"well done kookie, you did well"
x
fucking idiot, if you cut any more. the fans will notice. then you are really fucked
don't listen to him - cutting is a good thing, makes you feel good. gives you a purpose.
so much was going on in jungkook's head.
so many thoughts, but no feelings.
he felt so empty, yet so full.
he was diagnosed with depression at age 16, one year after bts made their debut. he was now 21 and wasn't better in the slightest, unbeknownst to the other members...and the staff...and the fans...and his family...to everyone.
he cut himself, he was suicidal and he either took no pills or far too many. there was no in between.
he had a small ray of sunshine thought, and that ray of sunshine was min yoongi, his best friend and boyfriend.
of course he loved all the members, but no one made him feel the way yoongi did.
he was a feeling of warmth, he made him feel secure, made him feel safe, made him feel loved.
but that may not be enough.
x
"hey kook, have you ever thought about...yknow"
"thought about what hyung?" jungkook asked, genuinely not following yoongi.
"uhh like, doing it. like doing it it."
oh shit.
"like s-sex?!" jungkook squeaked
"well, yeah. we've been dating since you were seventeen and we uhh haven't like, done it yet. unless you did it before? or you cheated on m-"
"hyung, i'm still a virgin. don't worry" jungkook chuckled slightly. "anyway - continue"
yoongi took a breath and began again. "so, what do you say? i know i'm ready, i have been for years. and we used to do sexual stuff all the time - but we haven't for a while"
we haven't because i'm covered in cuts
thought jungkook.
crap crap crap.
what does he say now? of course he wants to have sex with yoongi, but he - he just can't.
"hyung, i would love to have sex with you, i'm just n-not ready-"
yoongi looked away, with anger visible in his dark eyes. he scoffed and rolled his eyes. "right. you're not ready - of course you're not ready."
"hyung please, it's not b-because of you!"
"fucking save it jungkook. just go away, i don't want to see you right now."
jungkook froze. tears gathered in his eyes as he looked away from yoongi.
jungkook stood up, and before yoongi could apologise and beg him to stay - he dashed into the toilet and locked the door.
look what you've done.
now even yoongi hates you.
there's not point in you being here anymore jungkook.
no one wants you here, everyone would be much happier if you were
six
feet
under.
——————-
now pick up your razor like a good little boy.
———————
x
twelve cuts.
twelve cuts were made that night.
across his stomach, thighs and chest.
it's only a matter of time til people notice.
people are already saying
"why don't you lift your shirt up anymore?"
"why don't you get changed in the same room as us anymore?"
"why don't you wear those really shorts shorts to bed anymore baby?"
too much.
he placed plasters (band aids) over his cuts, to stop the blood leaking through his clothes during the day, he still hadn't spoke to yoongi yet . he head him crying last night - he heard jimin comforting him too. maybe they kissed. maybe they had sex. maybe they're boyfriends now and jungkook is just old news.
x
he woke up on the bathroom floor to a knock from jin.
"kookie - kookie! are you okay?"
"mmm fine, just fell over"
"okay well, we have to leave in ten minutes, get dressed."
x
"hello boys! glad to hear that you're all well"
kind of
"it's time for your bi-yearly check ups, so this time we're gonna go youngest first. jeon jungkook, up you get"
it was going fine, he was pretty healthy (physically) so he was getting by with no issues.
until-
"alright jungkook, just one final check. usually we don't do this but we will be doing this with everyone today."
"prostate exam"
"so, if you don't mind - can you slip your sweatpants and boxers off, it won't take long"
"uh, c-can they u-h l-leave?" jungkook said, pointing at his six hyungs who were sat staring at him.
everyone got up and awkwardly shuffled out the room.
except yoongi.
"i'll stay, i'm his boyfriend." it was the first thing he's heard yoongi say since the argument - at least they're still boyfriends right?
all jungkook wanted to do was say no.bur he couldn't protest. there was absolutely nothing he could say to make yoongi leave. things were already rocky between the two and he can't afford to lose the one thing keeping him alive.
it all went in slow motion.
the sweatpants were slid down, and there was two audible gasps in the room.
"jungkook-"
"fuck. kookie-"
the rest of the checkups were postponed.
and jungkook was now in the car on the way home, with six extremely concerned hyungs. it was silent, about from the occasional sob escaping jungkook's lips and the heavy breathing of yoongi who had his head in his hands.
it was going to be a long night for all seven of them.
x
"baby, i'm s-so sorry" yoongi sobbed, thinking back to everything he has ever said to jungkook, and everything jungkook has ever said to him.
yoongi knew he used to cut.
used to.
but there they were, fresh red lines across his whole body.
yoongi looked at jungkook, who was sat wearing only boxers. showing his cuts and scars to yoongi.
"i'm sorry i never told you hyung, i-just-"
"shhh, don't talk. we can talk later on. for now, just let me hold you."
jungkook lay in yoongi's arms while the older pet his hair and rubbed his back.
"h-hyung. the reason i didn't want to have sex with you is because i didn't want you to see the cuts, but now that you have..."
jungkook was cut off by yoongi pushing him gently into his back, and attacking the younger's pink lips with his own.
"just relax, hyung will take care of you."
x
despite all this, it got worse.
jungkook continued to cut, continued to skip his pills, refused to eat and shut himself out from the world.
in june, he decided, he was going to kill himself.
he was going to do it on in july - so it was far away from everyone's birthdays.
he knew how he was going to do it too.
it was all planned out.
jeon jungkook was going to die.
yoongi tried so hard to make his baby feel better, but kook wouldn't cooperate. he knew what he wanted - and he didn't want help avoiding it.
x
23:00 - july 9th 2019.
jungkook took one last pill, he stopped counting after 31. he was just ready for it to happen.
he took a deep breath and slid under the water in the bath, until his whole body was submerged.
this was it.
twenty one years of ups and downs, of laughing and crying, kicking and screaming and dancing and singing,.
all just to be taken away from him, in such a cruel way too.
jungkook's lips went blue as he finally past out.
it was long, and most likely painful. but at least it's all over now.
all
over
now.
yoongi awoke to loud screams coming from the bathroom.
hoseok was screaming. that was pretty normal, but not those kind of screams.
and then someone else
it was taehyung.
then he heard something he wished he hadn't. what he heard made his stomach drop - his head went fuzzy and all he could hear now was a piercing ring that made his heart race."
"call an ambulance!" screamed jimin.
"he's gone, jimin. jungkook's d-dead." sobbed taehyung.
NO!
oh my god
that didn't just happen, he's dreaming.
he stumbled through the hallway to the bathroom, where five boys stood before him.
"yoongi hyung, i don't think you should go in there"
"fucking move, namjoon"
there jungkook lay. stone cold - submerged in water.
"yoongi, he's h-he's gone" jin said softly, attempting to hide the tears falling from his eyes.
"no he's not, he just passed out"
"yoong-"
"i said he's not fucking dead!"
yoongi yelled, the five other boys around him sobbing, clinging on to each other for support.
yoongi didn't speak after that. he just fell to his knees and sobbed.
and he kept on sobbing for a long time. his entire world came crashing down at his feet - no way out and no going back.
september 1st, 2019.
"happy birthday kookie, hyungs miss you" jin whispered, and he released a balloon into the sky with the letters JK written on it.
bts decided to take an indefinite break. the boys decided they didn't want to be a six, they wouldn't do that to jungkook. but it wasn't there decision to make.
when they arrived home, yoongi decided to go into jungkook's room for the first time since the younger died.
it was exactly how he left it.
clothes and weights on the floor.
messy bed.
some makeup he had been messing around with left out.
it was just so him.
yoongi wiped the tears out his eyes, as he went to lay in jungkook's bed.
he picked up one of his pillows, with the intention of cuddling it into his chest.
he definitely didn't expect a note to fall out.
he scrambled out of bed and grabbed the note, and sure enough :
"dear hyungies" was written in jungkook's adorable handwriting.
yoongi gathered the other members and told namjoon to read the note aloud.
so he did.
the note read :
dear my wonderful hyungies
hi hi it's kookie here! well, i'm not quite sure when you're reading this because i'm gone now. anyway~~
i'm sorry. i'm sorry i caused so much pain. i'm sorry you (probably) all cried over me. i'm sorry the fans are upset. i'm sorry i ruined our group i'm just sorry - for everything.
i want you all to know, that you are the reason i stayed alive so long.
especially yoongi hyungie. i hope you're okay.
this is what i wanted - i didn't want to keep going, i didn't want to get older. i wanted to be gone - i got what i wanted right?
it's not over. just remember, i'll see you again
on a spring day.
love you forever and always.
-kookie <3
"so he's gonna he young forever" hoseok said, breaking down and burying himself in taehyung's chest.
"he's happy now, we have to remember that" jimin said through tears, looking round at his members.
"i love you boys" yoongi spoke, eyes darting between the other five.
"we love you too yoongi, and so does kook"
"it's gonna be just fine. he's watching us"
"he can't hurt himself anymore"
"our little euphoria, he's safe now."
he's right. jungkook is safe now.
x
yoongi slept in jungkook's bed that night. his smell calmed him down.
for the first time since kookie died, he felt at peace.
his baby was safe, and happy. that's all he ever needed to know.
as yoongi's eyes fluttered shut, he cuddled the cushion tighter - pretending that it was jungkook.
pretending that he could hold him one last time.
yoongi fell asleep that night, calm and at ease with the world.
as usual, he had his boy on the mind.
like he always does.
"goodnight kookie"
....
"i love you"
-the end-
ahhh thank you so much for reading!! sorry it's so dark omg hehe
-do you guys want more stuff like this??
-vote n comment please uwuuu
-2117 words :)
-heavily edited on 12/2/20!