He knows she is beautiful.
Still, sometimes, the light would hit her in a different way, or her hair would sway against the wind, or her eyes would shine right through him and DiDi would just get breathless all over again.
He isn't going to deny the effect she has on him anymore.
And he most certainly is not going to deny that the moment she told him she forgave him, that she understood him, that she knew he was sincere... he almost lost air at just how beautiful she was.
She might be the only woman Wang He Di knows who just becomes so much more beautiful the longer one looks.
And when she covered his mouth to stop him from speaking and told him the most honest words he had heard in a long time, his heart wanted to burst out of his ribcage.
She really truly is kind.
He doesn't deserve to be forgiven that easily.
He deserves to walk on fire.
He deserves to get ripped into shreds.
He deserves to be water-boarded and tortured for what he put her through.
If the same had been done to him, he wouldn't even give the other person a chance to talk but she... she not only allowed him to talk, she listened to him, and sincerely forgave every spiteful thing he did.
UNBELIEVABLE.
"Uhmmmm.... Ahhhh.... Have you eaten breakfast?" she asked him now.
"Are you offering food to me?" he asked, surprised.
"If you haven't eaten yet... yes."
He shook his head. "You ARE incredible."
She raised a brow. "Hmmmmm?"
"You just forgave me and now, you want to feed me too?"
It was her turn to shake her head at him. "Wouldn't it be more incredible if I told you I forgave you and then I let you starve?"
She had a point.
"Besides", Yue continued, "This is quite early. You probably just had coffee."
"Well... yeah."
She stood up and walked towards the living room. "Come on! Xin and I just had our breakfast when you arrived. You should eat."
She didn't check anymore whether he would follow and just headed straight for the kitchen.
DiDi didn't want to think too much but felt himself shrink in size at her benevolence.
He really did not expect to be forgiven this easily.
He winced at how much mental strain he had exerted expecting every worst thing in the world.
He knows he should be relieved now but he has a conscience that recently decided to take over his whole being.
He followed Yue to the kitchen he had seen when he entered.
She was already busy laying out a plate for him while he smelled the aroma of a new filter on the coffee maker.
"There must be something I can do for you?"
"Just sit there. And eat."
Of course, she would not immediately catch what he meant.
"I was not talking about breakfast."
She looked up at him. "What were you talking about?"
"I can't shake off the feeling that I do need to do something so I can feel worthy of your forgiveness."
She raised a brow at him "Didn't we just have this conversation a few minutes ago?"
"I know. I know", he sat in front of the plate she laid out.
"But?"
He swallowed.
His pride has taken quite a beating already.
Realizing how wrong he was. Realizing he liked her after everything that happened. Admitting he was only human to her.
He stopped because telling her in detail how he struggled to even bring himself in front of her would open the gates to a whole other topic – his feelings for her.
And thinking about that... it's probably easier for him to say sorry than...
... than tell her about how he feels.
Yue truly is good. And because of that, DiDi knows that if he tells her, she would not reject him outright.
And that will hurt more.
It would only break his heart if he saw her pity because she cannot love him.
Who wants to be pitied rather than loved?
After all, even if Dong Xin said that Yue had admitted her feelings for Zhi Ting to her yet they continue to be still be friends, she understands that it does not mean that those feelings are not there anymore in Yue's case.
It could only mean that these two women now know how to get past what happened and preserve their friendship.
That would be really awkward, but he knows just how self-sacrificing the writer is. He wouldn't be surprised to know that Yue admitted she loved Gao Zhi Ting but that she would not want to see him get married to anyone else but her best friend.
Yue squeezed his wrist, bringing his attention back to the topic at hand, "DiDi, I am not particularly a vindictive person. After everything that happened, I'm just tired and all I want to do now is to be able to celebrate the wedding of my best friends and achieve the completion of the book I promised Zi Wei I would write. Your apology brings with it peace and we aren't kids anymore where I will use your apology to make you suffer more."
"But I should suffer, right?"
She smiled at him while shaking her head. "I think, with your pride, you have suffered enough in coming here to apologize to me."
His insides melted.
GODDAMMIT WANG HE DI. Is there anything you can do in your life to woo this woman and deserve her?
She understood him better than he understood himself.
She turned around to flip the pancakes she was cooking and he immediately missed the feel of her hand.
Everything right seemed to flow into him when she squeezed him.
He's falling for her and she's still in love with someone else.
Maybe... maybe THAT is already the punishment that the fates will doom him to – watching her continue to love a man she could never have.
"So... are you two ok?"
Dong Xin's voice came from the door.
"Yes", Yue answered as the other woman sauntered in.
"And you're feeding him?"
"He hasn't eaten any breakfast."
Yue put the pancakes on his plate and headed for the fridge, taking out butter, maple syrup, and orange marmalade.
Xin gave him the side-eye, "You live another day Wang He Di."
He nodded solemnly. "I'm sorry to you too, Dong Xin."
"I will only forgive you if you give Yue a house and a car."
"Dong Xin!!!!" Shen Yue's eyes were almost popping out of their sockets.
"WHAT?!?!?! He can buy all that!"
She shook her head at her best friend. "DiDi, just eat."
Her tone sounded like he was being lectured, he tried to suppress a smile, and started buttering his pancakes.
Yue walked over the coffee maker, balanced three cups in her left hand, and went back to the table.
Dong Xin continued to look at him as though she would like nothing more than to put a knife on his heart and DiDi tried his best to eat despite the throbbing in his neck due to the other woman's intense scrutiny.
"I planned on revoking your invite to my wedding but since the two of you have already made up, you can come as Yue's escort" she told him now.
He had forgotten all about that.
He looked up from his plate and directly into Yue's eyes. He cleared his throat. "Is it ok with you if I escort you for the wedding?"
She seemed to consider it as she lowered her eyes towards the coffee cup in front of her. "Uhmmmm... it really does not matter but it would be easier if you were there since a lot of our friends still believe that you are my boyfriend."
After everything that happened, DiDi had forgotten about that.
If she did come to Xin's wedding on her own, it would have been really awkward for her after the show he put on in pretending to be the most attentive boyfriend in the universe. He should not cause her more awkwardly painful moments in the future.
"Of course, I'll be there."
She nodded at him, smiling, and focused on pouring coffee for the three of them.
His heart did a mini-dance.
He has a solid excuse to be physically closer to her than allowable because everyone else knows they are together.
"Be careful about the food though because I just might tell our caterer to poison you." Give it to Dong Xin to douse his musings with ice cold water.
"DONG XIN!!!!!!!!"
The bride-to-be laughed. "He looks too happy. I couldn't stand it."
DiDi bit the side of his cheek to stop himself from responding, and schooled his features to remain neutral while the two women exchanged light-hearted barbs about him.
Xin was hinting at the very thing he was not prepared to say out loud... not yet anyway.
And Yue seemed to be brushing off the very notion of it, judging from how she kept deflecting the hints Xin kept throwing into both their faces.
He cannot blame the author for not taking kindly to the idea of him liking her.
He was an asshole about an hour ago.
And even if she had the purest heart, it would be a stretch for her to fall in love with him.
It is difficult but he knows he has work to do if he wants Yue to be his.
He knows he would be difficult to love and he still has so much to do but he made a promise to himself at that very table that he won't screw this up anymore if he is given the chance.
He is going to start from scratch for her – a clean slate.
He would become a friend to her, the kind of support someone like her should have. And hopefully, her forgiveness could push her to see beyond the sorry asshole that he is.
Hopefully she could see in him... the man she would want to be with in the future.