There is misery in our home; I can sense it. It has soaked into the hardwood cracks and into the brick walls. It had been two days since Commander Victor had told the news of Five, Four and I's departure—and it had changed our home completely.
I saunter up and down the middle of my room, awaiting for the slow hands on the clock to reach the hour fixed for the departure of the boys and I. Anxiety floods my system. The fact that these ticking hands on the wall never move backwards did not in the least seem to restrain the desire to go back in time and stay here for eighteen years more.
I move from my pacing and sit on my window ledge that peers over the never-ending fields of this planet, and I can't help but sadly listen to the muffled sobs coming from the next room over: Three's room. She was distraught from the moment she had been told both Four and I would be leaving; but I haven't spoken to her since, I don't have the energy within my burning soul to calm her worries when I am riddled with my own.
By now, the suns were beginning to make the middle of the blue sky their home and I watch the way the birds dance in the wind and chirp happily from branches. I envy every single one of them. They're free. They create their own destiny, rather than have it mapped out for them.
A soft knock comes from my door.
"Come in," I rasp, my voice sounding unfamiliar. I didn't have to snatch my gaze from the window to know who it was, standing now beside me.
I can hear Three's rattling breath as she tries to stifle her cries, and I can sense the unease as she tries to find something to say–but she doesn't have to say anything as I look to her and force a warm smile.
"Sit," I say, motioning to the spot on the windowsill where my boots lay.
Three attempts to mimic my smile, but the corners of her rosy lips twitch downwards ever so slightly. I look into her warm eyes that shone the colour of dampened grass in the summer and notice the whiting a little red. She moves to the windowsill and my knees crack as I move my feet from her spot, tugging them to my chest.
We stare at each-other for a moment, both trying to find something to say but she beats me to it.
"Embrace your destiny," She croaks, her eyes tearing up as she turns to look out the window; I do the same.
I swallow the lump in my throat, "—With open arms and welcoming."
She turns back to me and as Three scans my face; the silence hangs in the air like the suspended moment before a falling glass shatters on the ground. I know she expects me to crumple, wail or dissolve into tears, but I know I must find strength and accept my fate.
"It's okay," I breathe, my voice ever-so-fragile, "You'll be just fine without me, and One and Two are still home... you need to be strong for them."
Her tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down her pale face whilst the muscles in her chin tremble like a small child's would.
"It is not us I worry about! It is you!" She cries, "—How am I to act strong when I don't even know if you are safe?"
There is a static in my head, the side effect of this fear I hide within. She had a purpose to her tears, the First Order is an Empire and we had never been let out of our cage to explore its danger–I had no idea of what destiny has planned and that is what scares me the most.
I hear my own sounds, like a distressed child, crawl from the inside and escape my throat as a brief sob. It takes something out of me I didn't know I had left to give.
Shaking my head, despite my tears I fake a small smile, and place my hands upon her own which rest limply in her lap, "I will be okay. Four and Five will be there to look after me."
"But who will protect them? Four pretends he isn't scared, but I can tell he is! And I can tell you are too!" She protests, but the furious growl of an engine cuts her off towards the end.
The clock upon my wall trembled about like biscuits in a tin and the whole room shakes so much I could almost feel my brain rattling against my skull. The whole room resonated with the deep grumble of the straining engines which came from the two large space shuttles that make their destination the untouched grass of our lawn.
The shuttles roared and the wind buffeted around them, rocking it ever so slightly as they levelled to the ground. Even as the engines turned off, my unease never halted and Three's shaking hands never seized.
Taking in the bright colours squeezing through clouds behind the shuttles; I could tell outside was chilly as I subconsciously pull my legs tighter against myself—and I am overcome with a certain pain that tugs on my heartstrings as I realise I will be in one of those space shuttles very soon.
The darkness swirled around my vision almost blinding me with sadness. Tendrils of inkling bleak are reminders of my solitude. The silence echoing in my ears was the constant white noise that was so quiet my ears began to ring in the emptiness of conversation.
Three realised my inner pain and squeezes my hands tightly. "You are right," She lies—I can tell and so can she, "You will be perfectly fine. I guess I am just frightened to be without you."
I watch her face, entranced. The morning light reflects off her tear-stained skin and dance in her warm eyes. She has laughter lines from her gift for smiling easily and her personality is all there to read in those creases; and in that moment, I realise I am frightened to be without her too.
I clasp her hands back and my chin quivers as I stretch my lips into a grin, "I am too."
Another knock sounds on my bedroom door and this time it is Commander September who stands in my doorway. "Embrace your destiny," She nods, her eyes a darkened blue with the hues of purple remaining.
She doesn't acknowledge Three's forbidden presence in my chambers, and she doesn't make a remark about our sorrowed faces. Commander September was a proud woman. She was strict, disciplined and of high principal but for the first time in my life, she gives me a genuine smile.
"With opened arms and welcoming," Three and I respond.
From early childhood, I had plucked the most perfect image I could create of Commander September and clung to it as an attempt to feel how a mother should in her place. I did it because that warped depiction was the person her she should have been—would have been—if it weren't for The First Order tearing me away from my parents; but Commander September was far from a mother figure, she was more so the trainer and I was her hound.
In my vision, her hard personality was replaced with something so golden, that it resembled a bright, beaming light that cleared my dim skies. But as I grew, I became to realise my imagination was painful and tiresome. The ability to create a happier world or scenarios which will never happen, made me fell like collapsing to the ground once I had been snapped out of trance by the slightest movement.
No, she wasn't a mother—so therefor, I was a mere orphan upon a lonesome planet.
"It's time," Commander September said, her voice calm and approving as she takes in my uniform, making sure there was no creases or stains to be seen. "We will wait for you at the shuttles. Come along with me, Three."
I stutter a small, timid reply, and let go of Three's hands as she stands—leaving with Commander September and not sparing me another look as I know she will crumple.
I let out a shaky breath to which I didn't know I was holding and stand on wobbling legs, forcing my way to the door.
I had never left this planet since the First Order had made it my home; and I was terrified that I would never return after today. I start to feel a overwhelming sense of anxiety that I had never felt before. Everything and nothing folded into me, constricting my lungs and stomping on my heart until I was gasping with dizziness and an urge to vomit. It resembled the feeling of claustrophobia, though instead of feeling confined, I wished to dig my nails into these hardwood floors and stay here forever.
I'm moments away from screaming, but my mouth is too dry to verbalise. I don't want to leave; but destiny forbids me to stay and I must do what it requires.
So, I take one last glance of my bedroom and shut the door behind me.
When I finally reach outside, everybody is already formed in a straight line whilst the Commanders stand before them—alongside a couple of new faces who I presume are the pilots. The air is frozen lace on my skin, delicate and cold, like winter waves on sallow sand and as I stand to the side of Three, I take a quick glance at Five who stares emotionless at the large crafts—his hands tucked together behind his back.
"Embrace your destiny," Commander Victor greets with a curt nod.
"—With open arms and welcoming," We all reply in unison.
He clears his throat and takes a step forwards, taking in the sight of the six of us–favouring the boys for a tender moment longer; his warriors.
"The day has finally come for half of you. You three are about to embark to your path that destiny has designed for you since the moment it chose you to bare the force,"
He locks eyes with the boys,
"–Five and Four, the eldest boys. I have trained you from childhood and you never seize to impress me with your gifts and strength. I am incredibly proud destiny chose me to be your Commander."
Suddenly his gaze is upon me, his deep eyes trapping me in his hard trance. "And Six, finally of age to provide powerful generations to come. I know Commander September is proud that her purpose was to prepare you for greatness too."
He looks away and I have to swallow down the bile which rises in my throat.
"Though, you three are leaving, destiny has yet still to come for the rest of you who will remain here until it is your turn to embark for the greatness of the First Order. Three, Two and One. I know you will be incredibly challenged with the loss of these three, so Commander September and I think it is fit that you say your goodbyes as nobody knows when destiny will reunite you."
My heart pangs and I look to my boots. I know it will be hard to say goodbye to One and Two, but most importantly, Three: who stands beside me trembling.
"–That includes you too, Five, Four and Six. Say your farewells now."
I snap my head back to Commander Victor, my mouth dropping and my eyebrows furrowing in confusion, "What do you mean? Are we not all going to the Finalizer base?" I blurt, suddenly forgetting my place and manners.
Commander Victor's face went cold and I could sense the anger he owned at my interruption, bubble within his chest. "No, only you are going to Finalizer. The boys will finish their training at a secret location which the First Order have provided," He snarked, eyes narrowed and pensive.
Only I would be going to Finalizer.
I would be going alone. Without Five. I will quite possibly never see Five again–this isn't right. I glance to him and I see his eyes widen in realisation and suddenly, I feel my ribs heaving as if bound by metal, straining to inflate my lungs. My head is a never-ending rumble of fears spinning out of control, each one pushing my mind into blackness.
I'm no longer in the body that stands paralysed, I will my mouth to protest but Commander September raises her hands in attempt to silence me, "This is what destiny has chosen, Six. Remember that."
"But—" I begin.
"–Arguing is pointless," Commander Victor cuts in,
"Whatever you could argue is based more upon your own emotions than the quality or intention of the First Order. You need to value your path and abandon the black and white opinions in which you hold onto."
The argument was cold. Every word over pronounced, slicing rather than tumbling through the dry air. The kind words he previously said about their pride in us had now been distorted into a close mimic of bitterness—I could almost read his thoughts, retaliating that perhaps I was not trained enough for my next duty. His eyes threaten me in silence to fight, but I back down and keep my mouth shut; like an obedient pet would.
"You all have five minutes to say your goodbyes."
My nerves were frayed like the end of an old rope. In this building anxiety, I construct elaborate rationalisations for why everything would turn out alright, that maybe destiny will keep my best friend—Five—close to me forever more; but still, the nagging voice in the back of my mind spoke of nothing but doom ahead.
My world begins to spin and I can't quite tell what is happening when I am pulled into Three's arms. I don't hold her back, only let myself be held as she whispers her whimpering farewell into my shoulder.
When she finally tears herself from me, she is gripped into the arms of Four—who I have never seen look so down. His eyes shifted to the side as he held her close and become glazed with a glassy layer of tears. As he blinks, they drip from his eyelids and land in Three's hair. She bit her lip tightly in attempt to hide any sound that wanted to escape from her mouth; and my heart sank.
I look away when I feel a tug on my hand and notice Two clasping onto it. Two was freshly thirteen and was an overall quiet kid–there were no tears in his eyes as I pulled him into a hug, but rather a sad smile upon his face. As I hold him close and rest my head on his shoulder, I watch the sight of One sobbing into his brother's chest with his little hands clawing at Five's shirt, while he begs for him to stay.
Five's eyebrows are furrowed with concern, but when he give's his brother a smile, I can tell that even in this moment of fear, he's been stricken with eagerness. Eager to get out of here. Eager to be the soldier he has trained his whole life to be.
My lips part in worry and when Five's hazel eyes meet mine, the planet seems as if it has stopped spinning. Five whispers something to One and lets him go, ushering him over to Two–who I don't even remember letting go of.
When Five stands before me he's apprehensive, yet unafraid. It is as if he knows he could potentially walk through a storm, but not so much that his steps will be hindered. Here he stands, calm and ready, whilst it takes every fibre of my being to not throw myself onto the ground and beg for him to never pick me back up.
There was hope before, just a tiny flicker against the wind—that maybe everything will be okay because I would be with him; but in that moment destiny had a choice of kindness or cruelty and it took no time to decide that Five would not be apart of my desired future. That hope is now only a dying ember and it was brought to death by destiny's cruel intentions.
With the open eyes of a child I reach out with my fingers extended and he intertwines his with mine. "I can't do this without you," I whisper.
"You can, and you will," He shakes his head, his dark locks bouncing in the morning glow. Five tears his fingers from my own and I fret that is the last of our binding until he pulls me into his chest.
"This is what we were made for."
I lay my head upon him and immediately feel warm in his grip. I sniffle and huff against his shirt.
"Bullshit." I spit into the safety of his shoulder and he chuckles quietly into my hair at my cursing, "I wasn't made for great things, I was just born with a womb."
Five holds onto me even tighter than I thought he could, and he whispers away from the Commanders prying ears, "That is what the First Order believe your purpose is, but the force has made you it's home, and I believe that it's intentions wasn't just for you to create more of the very thing that intends to only destroy the universe in which it thrives."
I don't quite understand his words as they come uncommon. Is Five trying to say he doesn't believe the First Order are the destiny of our power?
Impossible, to say that's all we have ever been taught.
"What?" I ask, leaving his embrace but keeping my hands upon his forearms as I furrow my eyebrows in confusion, "—What do you mean?"
"The First Order–" He starts to say, but he is cut off from the booming voice of Commander Victor.
"Time is up." He declares, making his way into the spacecraft to the left, "The shuttles must depart soon, so we better get going. Five and Four... come with me."
I forget about Five's previous words and look back to him in shock. "I'm scared, Five," I finally admit.
"We will meet again," He promises, his hazel eyes locking me in, "This can't be the end of us."
As he walks away I am rendered with realism that the metaphorical rope between Five and I, was slowly becoming a shrivelling mess of coiled up string which would be stretched too far soon and eventually snap. He was afraid to lose me but he won't admit it so he just leaves me with an empty promise–resulting in a feeling of a cold love from a universe away; barely enough to tingle my fingertips and ignite my core, but it's still somewhat there, ready to burn once again on the ignition that is his hope.
Commander September pulls me out of my train of thought with the gentle caress of my shoulder, nudging me to the other spacecraft beside the one Five and Four just entered, "Come. You can't must not keep the pilots waiting."
I nod and will my feet to weakly trudge my way over.
"Six!"
How could I forget?!
"One." I rasp in shock. Turning to the sound of his voice. I pull him in close. "Oh my, One. I'll miss you."
"I'll miss you too," He cries into my shirt, dampening the material slightly but I pay it no mind.
I force a grin upon my face and pull away, ruffling his hair with my hand, earning a giggle. "Hey, don't be sad... you have to keep this place alive. Don't stop being a pest just because I'm no longer here," I joke, and for the first time today I feel a glimmer of happiness as he smiles back.
"I won't forget you, Six." He utters, and my smile twitches a little.
"I won't forget you either," I mumble, glancing back to Three and Two who stand behind.
"I won't forget any of you."
Commander September keeps leading me away and soon I am no longer in One's reach but much rather on a cold spacecraft. The front where the pilots sit has a large window and behind them are only two seats. As Commander September seats me into one and buckles me in like a child, the first noticeable thing was the utter lack of real light; only artificial in glimmers of neon green and blues.
The metal walls are barren, smooth, it appeared as dark mirrors but that was just the lack of light, with sharp corners at the vertexes. I sat there, harness pulled tight, in the groggy state that was just my anxiety. I didn't have time to register any sort of fear or darker thoughts, as all I could focus on now was the fear of flight.
"Don't worry," Commander September smiles with assurance, "The travel will be short and the generals at Finalizer await your arrival."
My stomach swirls.
"I don't think I am ready to do this." I shake my head as my mouth becomes incredibly dry all while I struggle against my harness.
She shoves me further into my seat and grabs my hands, ignoring the slight dirt beneath my nails.
"Yes you are," She tuts, "—I know this because I trained you to be."
The pilots call out something I cannot understand behind the sound of my beating chest and my heart tugs painfully as Commander September lets go of my hands and says her goodbyes, leaving me lonely in my chair.
The shuttle hovered for a moment of suspended time, shaking ever so slightly; but when it screeched into the sky, it was as smooth as water upon skin.
Neon lights flickered through the large, glass window and into the vast white-dotted darkness of space. The vessel the pilots drove was an expensive craft provided by the mechanics of Finalizer, and as they light-sped through the galaxy: that's where they made a destination.
I am left with nobody but my own whirring mind in the moments of travel and my chest aches in terrible sadness. From the moment I was born, I have never had a home and what I need will never come, no matter how much I seek: I won't find it—especially not on Finalizer–especially not with the ruthless, Kylo Ren.
Like I told Five, I wasn't born for great things. I could follow my purpose and provide the First Order with more power, but that isn't my desired destiny, no matter how much I am told it is. There are no paths to success, not from here, not if it leads to Kylo Ren.
When the Spacecraft finally docks, I am overcome with the amount of people that I can see. I had never been around so many unfamiliar faces before in my life and that treacherous anxiety floods my system once more, with no care of the wreck it is succumbing my mind to.
My legs tremble as unknown hands grapple onto me and lead me into the overbearing light outside of the craft.
"Number Six," An unfamiliar voice says and I find it's owner quickly as I am ushered in front of it. A tall, lean man with ginger hair and a face that still looks somewhat boyish, stands before me proud—just like the pins upon his chest did as they prove his shiny worthy.
"Embrace your destiny," I bow my head. He gives me a weird look for a moment until someone behind him whispers something incoherent into his ear.
I hadn't noticed all the stormtroopers and their loaded guns until now. I gulp.
"Ah—with open arms and welcoming. Yes?" The man finally squints, his eyes scanning me as if he is nitpicking every detail in his head. I nod and remove my eyes from the masked faces behind him, and back to the cold demeanour he gave instead.
"—It is upon my knowledge that you have been assigned to Kylo Ren, is that correct... Number Six?" He grits through his teeth, deeming me unworthy of his time.
"It's just Six," I mumble, adverting my eyes.
Suddenly, a harsh smack could be heard before it is felt—as his gloved hand swipes my cheek harshly; turning my head to the side where I am met the sight of another masked stormtrooper; who even though faceless: I could still sense his delight at my expense.
My cheek stings and I can feel it grow red in the shape of his hand—but the humiliation is the brightest shade of crimson, burning and soaring through my quaking veins.
"If we are exchanging names then I am General Hux. Leading Officer of the First Order and the Finalizer base. You will treat me with such respect as I am your superior."
My breath hitches and I nod, dropping my head to my boots which are glazed in the soil from the grounds of the planet I used to call my home.
I bite the words I next speak, wishing I could take them back and curse at him instead, "I apologise, General."
I can hear General Hux almost seething and I notice the way his hands tightly grip his sides as if he is refraining from slapping me once more.
"Clean her up and then take her to Kylo Ren's quarters," He spits to someone, who then grabs my forearm and leads me away. "I thought the children of Project Destiny were trained. It seems like this one is just a runt bitch. I can't wait for the tantrum Ren will have when he sees his new dog."
As I am pulled away into twining halls of white, my knuckles mimic the ground's colour when I realise I am clenching my fist too hard at General Hux's remark. Two stormtroopers lead the way and two others follow behind—and I have to grit teeth from effort to remain silent; to not scream at them for their readied weapons, for I am not some prisoner: I am just a girl.
My anger and nerves created an animosity that was like acid—burning, slicing, potent. My face was red with suppressed rage, but that could also be from the slap I just endured.
I will not be treated like a hound. The First Order had always told me that I was special and the powerhouse to their eventual triumph; but upon arrival I have been nothing but belittled.
I think back to what Five had whispered before our departure once more, "–the force has made you it's home, and I believe that it's intentions wasn't just for you to create more of the very thing that intends to only destroy the universe in which it thrives."
The shock finally settles in my core. Though, I hope my interpretation was enough to grasp his concept.
My mind cries in the scorching fire which is burning inside; its smouldering embers disappearing into a void that had been slowly filled with a cold, howling storm of fear that refused to ever let up.
General Hux's retort only swims amongst the pain, leaving me rendered and uncertain in a time I feel most lost—but somehow, I find hope from the echoes of Five's wisdom.
Maybe, I wasn't given the force to just pass it on through generations? Maybe, destiny had given me this gift for something much more meaningful... and what it could be, I could only find out for myself.
Although, all I know for now, is I won't let the First Order break me.
I certainly won't be just Kylo Ren's bitch.