⚠️Warning: Following scenes contains mentions of abuse/assault, mentions suicidal attempts, mentions near death and/or death, as well as scenes depicting symptoms of drug withdrawal. If affected, please read with caution.⚠️
~~~~~
《1988》
*Tommy*
God.... This is so BORING!!!!
I know this is supposed to be good for me and the others, but can't there be something more fun to do while getting clean!?
We practically spent New Years here and didn't even get champagne!!
... Well, we got apple cider, but it wasn't the good kind.....
Sadly MJ was in the female's side of the rehab center we checked ourselves into, but we still got to see her from time to time mostly during therapy.
She was allowed a night when Nikki came down with a case of the flu, or as the doctors described it, the "Junkie Jitters."
She didn't leave his side until he was better.
The five of us had a group session twice a week together, the rest was individual.
The day would usually start with waking up, showering and stuff. After that, breakfast, and then, depending who you are, medication or detoxing or whatever, or visitation. After that, lunch time, followed by therapy sessions. Then, outdoor time where you exercise and stuff. Soon, dinner time, followed by recreation inside (television, reading, shit like that), and then its time for bed.
Sharise was visiting with Skylar and they were seeing Vince right now. She wasn't sure about bringing Skylar. As far as she knows, her dad, aunt and uncles are sick and are going to stay with special doctors for a few days.
Not a complete lie, but its what we could tell a toddler so she isn't freaked out.
According to Mick, MJ had an individual session today, and Nikki did, too.
Both of them don't know where they stand together after making amends.
"Mick..." I asked, looking over to him as he laid on his back, lying down like he usually does, face up with his arms over his chest.
Mick and I were roommates here. Not sure why he seemed irritated about it at first.... Maybe he's stressed about being here... Yeah, that has to be it..
Nikki and Vince were in another room, but Nikki was currently in a detox room. I heard it was pretty bad at the beginning, but he should be out soon.
MJ was given her own room in solitude, mostly because of what they told her.
Apparently, they diagnosed Mallory with clinical depression, anxiety, and after admitting her suicidal tenancies, they had her on 24/7 surveillance, marking her a high risk patient. It seemed much, but it was either that, or transfer her to an asylum instead for way longer than a few months, which I hear is a billion times worse.
Also, due to Mick's back condition, they mostly have him resting in his room majority of the time when he needs it, and giving him special medicine to help with his pain and help him move better.
Right now, I decided to keep him company during that after lunch.
"What?" he sighed as he looked over the best he could.
"Now that Nikki and MJ made up..." I said, messing with my sweatshirt sleeve. "What do you think is gonna happen to them?"
He sighed as he looked up at the ceiling. "Honestly, kid... Its really up to them... They've been through pure hell and back with each other... At this point its hard to tell..."
I sighed as I sat on the bed.
"Are you still mad at her about not leaving to New York?" I asked.
He groaned as he sat up. "I'm not mad.... A little disappointed, yes...." he said. "She had a chance to having a better life, away from this nightmare she was pulled into, and then... I even said it in the beginning, she can do better than the four of us, than this life..."
I was quiet before I frowned.
"You were also the one who said those two are meant for each other, or else they wouldn't keep finding each other," I said, upset.
He looked over at me with a stern look.
"You said its up to them when to have the guts to just face their feelings, that we'd be fucking surprised how it works!" I said. "What changed, Mick!?"
"Calm down, drummer, you're not thinking straight," he scoffed. "Welcome to detox."
"I won't calm down! I want to know what changed with you!! Why you doubt them both!! Why you have to be an asshole with Nikki-" I snapped.
Suddenly he shot up to his feet.
"You forgetting everything he fucking did to her!?" he snarled. "He's the reason she's not somewhere safe away from all this shit, why she's under surveillance like some fucking lunatic, why she almost died or even fucking killed herself, why everyone out there think she's some village whore!!"
My eyes widen at his words before he suddenly groaned in pain and lurched over, holding his back.
I gasped and rushed over, holding him up before he fell. I helped him lay back down as I sat by his side.
"New York was that girl's last chance at a better life.... I did believe in them both getting back together... But after seeing what's become of her after everything.... Vince telling me he was seconds away from seeing her brains splatter the fucking walls.... I knew she needed to leave, for her own sake...." he said, looking away. "How can I forgive him for that?"
I looked at him sadly before looking down at my lap.
"Look at the god damn bright side if you want, kid," He said. "I'm not ignoring the downside....."
I sighed as I tried to think.
"Everything he did.... It was the heroin...." I said. "I know that's no excuse, but think about it.... Nikki never stopped trying to make up with Mallory up until he got hooked on it.... That's when he even stopped caring all together, except when the high was gone...."
He looked over at me.
"You are right, and that's not changing," I said. "They always end up finding each other, or else MJ would have left him for dead that night after she got the call from the hospital."
He sighed and looked over. "Leave the room... I want to be alone..."
I shook. "Nope. Not leaving you alone like this."
"Do you have a death wish?" he grumbled.
"Occasionally, mostly unintentionally," I smiled.
He sighed with an eyeroll.
"Is your back pain gone?" I asked.
"For now," he groaned as he shifted to get comfy.
I then laid down next to him.
He then looked over at me. "... You're not leaving this room no matter what, are you?"
"Nope," I smiled.
He sighed and shifted to give me some more room. "If you cuddle me, I'll end you."
I nodded as we laid there and he was going to sleep.
"Mick..." I whispered.
"What do you want now?" he asked.
".... You're a good friend," I said.
"..... Shut up and go to sleep, drummer," he grumbled after some silence.
"Okay," I said, and rolled over, getting some sleep.
*Mallory*
I fumbled with my hands as I sat in the armchair across from Dr. Nolan.
"I know this is a lot for you, Mallory, but talking about it can really help you heal," she said.
I took a deep breath. "Its just... I don't even know where to start..."
She nodded in understanding.
These sessions never get any easier, even if its helped my sanity, somehow.
I was marked as a danger to myself once I was evaluated. "Suicidal" I have to be supervised at all times.
It was either this, or allow them to transfer me to some asylum for a longer period of time. Let's just say I rather take 24/7 surveillance over electroshock therapy and lobotomies.
I eventually came clean to Mick and the others about rejecting New York. They weren't exactly too happy about it, especially Mick.
Then again, I can't say I blame him... It was his idea to begin with, and I was close to starting a new life, even changed my name for it all, and just threw it all away. Eventually, I'll have to face him again about it.
I know the others are doing okay, aside from getting a bit agitated at first as expected while they were in detox, but thankfully have been doing well, though I think they still have their moments.
Nikki, however, had it worse, considering he was getting clean from a stronger, more addictive drug. When he developed a fever and had an episode around the first few days, they had asked me to spend some time and help him break his fever after managing to calm him down.
My counselor, Dr. Christina R. Nolan, has been really helpful to talk with, and helped a lot in controlling my urges and thoughts.
"Umm... I-I don't know," I sighed. "There's... There's just so much to talk about about..."
"Well, I understand your ex-husband is also in this facility, but for a somewhat different reason," she suggested.
I sighed, nodded. "Nikki.... He OD'ed on heroin more than a week ago...."
"How does that make you feel?" she asked.
"They... They almost lost him, I..." I said, feeling tears fall as I remembered that night. "I almost lost him... For good....."
"It seems you still have feelings for him, despite all the tension you two have gone through," she stated softly.
I sniffled as tears fell. "I never stopped... Its just... He hurt me, and.... I was so scared that... That if I forgave him, he would have done it again, or worse, hurt me in a different way, or like...." I said, wiping my tears away.
"Like the man who gave you your scar..." she said.
I sniffled and held the side of my head, then sighed.
"Thing is.... I never thought of Nikki being mentally capable of physically harming me like Don did... But part of me was afraid he would still do it...." I said.
"Its not uncommon to be scared of something repeating," she said. "Especially after something as traumatic as that."
I sighed as I tried to stay calm.
"The life we have, it.... Its hard to hold on to love.... Yet with Nikki it was still there, even if I was with Razzle... No matter what, it was always there..." I confessed, smiling softly.
She smiled softly. "Do you ever think of getting back together with him?"
My smile fell as I sighed, looking down at my folded hands on my lap. "I... I don't know.... We both hurt each other in the past..." I admitted. "You can fix broken things, but... Can they ever be the same afterwards?"
She gave me a sad smile. "I wish I knew the answer to that... I'd like to think in some cases, hope can eventually come to those when the time is right...."
I sighed, looking out the window.
"You know, that night... That Nikki 'died'... They had called me," I said.
"The hospital," she asked for assurance.
I nodded. "Before I got that call though... I had finished a set on stage at the strip club I worked at.... And I just... Fainted..." I said.
"Were you exhausted?" She asked.
"Not that I knew, I mean... It was just my second set, first one wasn't much.... And I hadn't had a bump all day or in hours, I don't know.... I was fine, and all of a sudden my chest was hurting and.... I woke up.... That's when the hospital called me, and... And they told me what happened to Nikki.... They told me he was dead for minutes, that they were even calling it...." I said, sniffling as I vividly remembered every second of that night. "I practically blew every stoplight to get to that hospital after that call...."
She looked at me with awe as I told her.
"After thinking about it, only one thing came to mind...." I sniffled. "I felt him die.... I felt the moment I could have lost him forever...."
She nodded. "You know, in a way, what you described reminds me of an old Greek myth of soulmates my godmother once told me as a child," she said.
I looked at her curiously.
"At the beginning of times, all humans were born with two heads, four arms, and four legs," she said.
I looked at her weirdly, and she laughed.
"I know, it sounds strange at first, but hear me out," she said. "Now, the humans were very strong and prideful, even dared to threaten the Gods.... So, Zeus had come up with a solution."
"What was that?" I asked, curiously.
"He split the humans in half, and separated them," She said. "One head, 2 arms, and two legs."
My eyes widen.
"This not only caused them pain, but also doubled the tributes to worship the Gods," she said.
"And... The humans are left just find their other halves..." I said, amazed by the story.
She nodded. "Yes.... I believe, in a way, you and Nikki are each one half of a whole," she said with a soft smile.
I sighed and looked down.
Could she be right?
*Nikki*
"Mallory sounds like she means a lot to you," my counselor, Dr. David C. Jones, said as we sat in his office.
I sighed as I looked down, my hand combing through my messy hair.
Considering I was still in detox (Apparently I was really fucked in inside because of all the heroin), my sessions were in my room all the time.
"A lot doesn't even begin to cover it... I don't deserve to even know someone as amazing as Mallory.... I'm a real son of a bitch for putting her through hell...." I said.
"You were under the influence of a strong opiod, Nikki.... A drug that has hurt many others like yourselves, as well as their loved ones....." he said. "One that even almost killed you."
I sighed as I fumbled with my hoodie sleeves.
"I heard her voice...." I suddenly said.
"I'm sorry?" Dr. Jones said.
"I was in... In that void, and I heard her voice, singing," I said. "The first song she ever sang to me, Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.... I had kicked the bucket, and... I had this whole flashback...."
"You mean, your life flashed before you?" he asked.
I nodded. "Yup... Everything before her was all dark, black and white," I said. "My crappy childhood, the foster system, living on the streets... But then.... Then Mal showed up, and... Everything suddenly had color..." I smiled.
Dr. Jones smiled and nodded. "Meeting her bought you happiness you needed..."
I smiled and nodded. "Meeting her in that diner was the greatest thing to ever happen to me.... She didn't even know me at all and she cared about me so much....." my smiled fell as I contined. "The flashbacks lost their color after I saw the hurt in her face.... After I cheated on her...."
He frowned as I continued.
"I wasn't surprised when she ended up running into Razzle's arms.... But I sure as hell was mad at myself for letting it happen...." I admitted. "I was jealous that he made her happy, but angry that it was my fault he was doing it...... She was going to run away to London with him, that's when I found out what some bastard back in her hometown did to her... Why she came to California....."
"What did he do?" he asked.
I sighed, pursing my lips. "The motherfucker almost murdered her... Cracked her head open, beat her bloody.... She was in a coma for a month, woke up just before they could pull the plug... It was a miracle she wasn't all messed up after the beating she got...."
"My god..." He said, shocked.
I sighed as I looked down.
"I understand why she was scared.... Hell, she had every right to be afraid of me now, after everything... Yet.... How can she even look me in the eye? She should be in New York, maybe getting clean there, focusing on being a doctor and shit..... Yet she fucking stayed to continue living this nightmare..... Why?"
Well.... One thing I learned is that if you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back, it was never meant to be..." he said.
"However, with true love..... That's something really hard to break, no matter what its put through.... No matter how much its rejected.... If its really meant to be, true love will always prevail one way or another," he said.
I smiled as he continued.
"In a way, you and Mallory always keep finding each other, no matter how much you both try to push one another away..." he said.
I thought about it, and it was true...
No matter how many times Mal and I tried to forget each other, push each other away, practically tried to hate one another.... I never could.....
She could have left me for dead that night when I died, yet there she was practically at my bed side, even when I relapsed.
"Has there ever been something between you and Mallory that bought you closer when together?" he asked curiously.
I thought about it before I remembered something.
"Her heart....." I said. "I... I can't really explain it, but.... But every time Mal and I were in each other's arms, and I felt her heart beat.... It was like, hearing her heart made me feel safe.... Happy.... I think she feels the same also, because she's at peace when hearing mine...."
He smiled. "That sounds beautiful..." he said.
I smiled and looked down.
"I really don't know what's going to happen once we leave this place... If me and her even have a tiny chance to be together again.... All I want is her to live a happy and peaceful life.... New York is her chance....." I said.
"But do you want her to leave?" He asked.
I pursed my lips, and sighed.
"No... But I love her too much to ever lose her forever......" I said to him.
*Mallory*
"Thank you," I sighed as the nurse escorted me back to my room.
Apparently due to being considered a risk, I need a nurse escort with me at all times.
Its not necessary, but I think its for the best at this point.
I walked over to the bed and laid down, looking up at the ceiling.
I keep thinking about everything that has lead me to this point.
Maybe I was destined to be punished for no reason... Or maybe I did something in one of my past lives that is making me pay for this now....
Nikki.... The only who was the bright light in the darkness of my life...
Maybe Dr. Nolan was right about both of us being 2 halves of a whole.
We've been through hell and back together these past almost 8 years.... Yet somehow we are still at each other's side, as if being apart could kill us somehow....
Maybe that explains why his detoxification treatment was so bad...
>flashback<
"How long has he been like this?" I asked as me and the nurse walked quickly through the halls.
"Since this morning, but it got worse after the medication," the nurse explained. "He keeps asking for you."
My eyes widen as she continued.
"We usually don't allow things like this, but you are a nursing student, and I have a feeling your presence can help give him peace," she said.
"Wait," I said, stopping her. "Please tell me nothing bad is going to happen to him..."
She looked at me as I continued.
"I've read enough about detox and withdrawal, especially from heroin.... What's going to happen to him? And be honest with me," I said sternly.
She was quiet for a few seconds before holding my hand. "He's going to be okay. He's getting professional help out of this, so nothing worse than just some aches and loss of appetite."
I gulped as I tried to stay calm.
"He's in good hands, I assure you," he said. "Being with him right now, its not recommended, but it can help him especially..."
I took a deep breath and nodded. "O-Okay... Lead the way..."
She nodded and we hurried towards the room, where at the corner of the room sat Nikki, tears streaming down his face and shaking furiously as he hugged himself and rocked back and forth.
His eyes widen in relief once he saw me.
"Mal!!" He cried out in pain as I rushed towards him.
"Hey, hey, its okay," I said as I pulled him into my arms, making him hug me tight.
He's really warm....
"M-Mal, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts so fucking back," he whimpered in pain.
"Its gonna be okay, alright," I assured him, holding his face in my hands. "I'm gonna help make the pain go away, alright?"
He looked up at me nervously. "Y-You will?"
"Of course," I said. "But you have to trust not only me but the doctors, okay?"
He gulped. "I-I'm scared... Please, Mal, d-don't leave me.... Please don't leave me...."
I pursed my lips as I had flashbacks when he first told me that.
After I found out he was shooting up, during a bad trip....
I pulled him into my arms as we sat on the ground.
"I'm got going to leave.... I'm going to stay with you for a while, okay?" I told him, looking into his teary green eyes.
He sniffled. "You promise?"
I nodded immediately. "I promise.... I'm not going to leave...."
He took a shakey breath as I kissed his head and hugged him.
"Let's get you to the bed, okay?" I said.
He nodded shakily as we went to stand up, another nurse coming to help us take him.
We got him to bed as the other nurses came to his aid, and I held his hand tightly in mine.
***
I sat by Nikki's side as he slept, softly combing his hair with my fingers away from his face before soaking the wet cloth in the bowl of water nearby and wringing it dry.
The nurses managed to give him something to sleep and for his fever, and allowed me stay with him for a little while to help him break his fever.
"This will all be over soon.... All the shakes, the urges... It'll all be over soon, and you'll feel better," I said softly, dabbing the wet cloth on his head.
Even though he probably couldn't hear me, I still spoke to him to pass the time.
"You're gonna feel better, and be out of this room soon... And the five of us, we're gonna get clean together...." I said as he continued to sleep peacefully. "Once we are, we'll go home.... You boys will be back on stage in no time.... And.... And I'll be looking for medical colleges in Los Angeles.... Close to you.... Because I'm not going to leave.... Ever..."
I sighed as I put the cloth back in the bowl.
"I know I tried to leave before.... Tried to run away.... But I'm not running anymore, its never helped either of us," I said, then holding his hand as I felt tears
"I don't know if you and I will ever be together again, but.... If we do.... We can have a fresh start together.... Get married..... Of course this time sober so we can remember it all, and not making it some shotgun wedding in Vegas," I laughed as I wiped some stray tears away before continuing.
"We can get a new house... That one has some bad memories, but its up to you, too," I said, staring into space. "The band gets bigger and bigger.... I can work for my doctorate..... God, I wish I could say have kids, but with me, it.... Its hard to tell...."
I frowned as I looked down, gripping his hand before taking a deep breath.
"But we can figure it out," I said. "S-Somehow... And.... If we don't end up together, that's okay, too.... So long as I still have you at my side, that's enough.... Just you is enough for me...."
I looked back, seeing he was still sleeping as expected.
"But one thing won't ever change, and that's how much I love you... And always will," I whimpered as I softly stroked his face. "And I'm so sorry for putting us both in this position... If I was honest with you, like I should have been since the start... things would have worked out differently...."
I took a deep breath as I held his hand and then leaned over and softly kissed his lips.
>end of flashback<
I don't know what the future will hold for me and Nikki once we leave this place.
Maybe we will be together. Maybe we will be friends. Maybe we'll stray away from each other like we thought we would.
It's all a mystery to me.
However, one thing I am 100% sure about is that I'll never stop loving him. No matter what, he will always have a special place in my heart.
All in all, I just want him to live a long, happy life, with or without me.
~~~~~
Happy 61th Birthday, Nikki Sixx! 🎂🎈🎉♐🖤🤘🏻
🎧 Currently in Sapph's playlist:
HIM "Into the Night"
♡~ sapphire.