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Anthony POV
"Hi, do you have a reservation?" The woman behind the desk asks me when I approach her.
"Yeah. I came earlier."
"Okay, and your last name?"
"Jackson."
She searches in the computer for a minute.
"Anthony?"
"Yeah."
"Okay sir, just give me your ID. There's already a card that I see you put on file, I just want to match it to make sure and then you both can be on your way."
I give the woman my ID so she could check and not long after she hands it back to me with a smile along with the room key.
"You're all set. Have a great night, and here is a list of amenities available for your use."
"Thanks," I'm not gonna use it but I take it anyway then head for the elevators.
I wrap my arm around Cameron's shoulder and kiss his head. He leans into me then grabs my hand to kiss it and doesn't let go. I can't front, shit made me smile. The whole way here he's been kind of quiet with me so far, but at the same time he keeps staring and smiling at me like he can't believe I'm here, which I know he can't. I can't either.
The elevator comes quick and I let him in first and follow after. I face him and each time I take a step toward him he takes a step back and this goes until his back touches the elevator wall. His cheeks turn color when he sees that I'm not stopping even after he collided with the wall, and I don't stop until I'm pressed up against his body. He uses his working hand and puts it on my chest. And I use both of mine to grip his hips.
"Why you look scared." I ask almost amused. I don't want him to be scared of me, out of everybody in this world, I'm most concerned about him feeling safe and comfortable around me. I know I make it hard but, he knows how I feel about him.
"I'm not scared. I just get so nervous around you because I like you that much." He says quietly.
I laugh a little, "you like me? We really starting over huh."
"Well—love. Love and like. I love you more though." He giggles.
"Yeah, I love you too." I ain't even notice how close our faces got, but I'm all bent down so subconsciously I think I was preparing to kiss him, so Imma go through with it. I only get two pecks in though because the elevator doors open. I grab his hand. We walk all the way down the hall to the very last room. I slide in the key and let Cameron in first and follow close behind him. I turn on the lights so I could see.
"Um," Cameron looks around him "How much was this?"
I keep my mouth shut. That's for me to worry about.
"Anthony."
"Don't worry about it."
He looks at me unsure.
"All for you." I add.
I get a smile out of him and he puts his things down.
"Lemme help you take it off." I say when I see him struggling. I pull him by the hand and unzip his coat, and pull it off of his body. I take off the hoodie underneath too. His cast catches my eye and I do want to talk this out right now and figure out exactly what is going on with him, because without a doubt it's some fishy shit, but I'm gon hold off because I know these past years that I been gone have been nothing but stress for him. And especially these past couple weeks that he was in the hospital. So, the least I could give him right now is a stress free night where he don't have to worry about shit.
I hang his coat up for him and take mine off too. He takes his shoes off.
"You tired?" I ask him and take a seat on the couch.
"Mm-mm," he shakes his head and makes eye contact with me. I purposely sat a little far from him because I wanna see if he'll come to me— if he's really still comfortable with me. Because I can't lie, I feel like he acting real shy with me and like I said, I'm willing to rebuild that relationship if I need to. I just need to know if there's something to rebuild.
I feel his eyes on me for a minute. I don't say nothing and I don't do nothing, just stare at the wall, waiting for him to sit with me like I know he wants to. It takes all of two minutes for him to move from where he's at. He scoots all the way over to leave no space between us and lays his head on my chest. I wrap my arm around him.
"I was waiting on you," I admit.
"Me too. But I couldn't wait anymore," Cameron laughs.
I laugh too but him saying that just makes me think back on not being here with him and him waiting for me and all that. I don't know what I would've done if he ain't wait for me, if I got out and he had a whole other situation going on. I don't even want to think about that right now, so let me stop. It's irrelevant because what matters is the fact that he did wait for me.
"I'm realizing I shoulda set something up for you. This boring ain't it. Ion mind it but I don't know about you." I dead don't have nothing planned. My only concern was making sure we together. But I should probably had something like dinner or something. But we ate already.
"Something like what? This is perfect," he says.
"You sure?" I know he like to lie and say things are good when it's really not.
"Yes. I don't care where we are Anthony. When I woke up this morning I didn't have a clue I'd be seeing you soon. I don't care about that."
"So you on the same page as me–come up here I wanna look at you," I pull him up and sit him on my lap, "so you on the same page as me." I say again. I look at him, expecting him to respond. But he's too caught up staring at my mouth. He probably ain't even notice I said anything. Naturally, I smile at how hard he's looking.
His eyes flicker up soon as I do that and of course he blushes. "Kiss 'em." I suggest. All that staring he acting like I ain't readily available to satisfy whatever he want. He don't hesitate, and got his lips pressed up against mine in a second. He keeps them there for a couple seconds, pulls away just a little bit, then kisses me again. I smile at how serious he is, how assertive the kiss feels.
My cheeks start getting wet and I know Cameron is crying now. I want to pull away to take care of him, but he keeps deepening the kiss. Finally he gasps on my lips giving me a chance to pull away. I wipe away his tears with my thumb.
"Stop crying, I don't want you to cry no more," I express. Every time he cries it makes me feel bad.
He sniffles, "I know. Just— can I just kiss you a little longer? Please."
"You could kiss me as long as you want." I pull his face in and let him do what he wants, let him kiss me how he wants while I follow. I figure it's his way to express his emotions right now.
He pulls away and sniffles with low eyes, "thank you," Cameron wipes my mouth and cheeks to wipe away his tears, "sorry."
"Lemme distract you baby. Whatever it is that's making you sad, we gon address it, but focus on me." I touch the side of his face. I could tell that cry was not because he's happy I'm here. It had too much pain behind it. And even though being the type of nigga that I am, I wanna handle whatever his problems are off jump, I also don't want him to stress right now especially when he just came from the hospital.
Cameron nods, "Okay."
"Ok," I pinch his cheek and just how I wanted, his smile starts showing up. I watch him smile at me. That fucking smile. I missed it so much.
"What?" Cam asks with a small laugh and pink cheeks.
"What?" I ask back.
"You're giving me that look."
"What look?" I question. I didn't notice I was making a face, but shit, with everything that's going through my mind right now I probably am making all types of faces.
"I can't describe it." He sighs and smiles.
"I was just thinking about your smile. You just smiled and it lingered in my head for a minute. That's all." I chuckle.
"Oh," Cam blushes and wraps his arm around my shoulder and leans into me. He kisses on my neck softly which makes me close my eyes. He grabs my face, tilts my head and continues kissing my neck. I can't lie, it's been a long ass time— too fucking long— since we been intimate, so something as simple as him kissing on my neck is making me feel ways that it probably shouldn't.
"Ant," he mumbles against my skin.
"What baby?" My eyes are barely open so I sit up and look at him so he has my full attention.
He lifts his head from my neck and sits up too. Cameron kisses my lips once. "One more," I mumble against his chin and he kisses me again.
"I want to know what it was like," he says quickly and quietly once he pulls away. So quick and quiet that I almost didn't catch what he said.
"What what was like?" I ask. It's so much shit I could respond to that with but I don't know what experience he wants to know about. Maybe being in prison.
"Being in prison. Like your experience. We never talked about it or had the chance. And I don't want you to talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable because I know it's supposed to be about us right now but I don't know, I just wanted to put it out there. It was such a long time and I want to know everything about you and I think we should get to know each other again because I mean we are in our thirties now and I just... I want to know everything about you," he sighs.
"Okay," I respond simply. He loves to ramble to ask one simple question that he's nervous about, when it's nothing to be nervous about. It's either a yes or no, I ain't gonna get mad at him for asking. Unless it's disrespectful.
I sigh heavily " The worst part about it was missing you, you know that." I start. Talking about this is probably not the best thing for me to do right now, but if that's what he wants to know then I'll tell him.
"That was my biggest battle, tryna get over you. Tryna come to a understanding that I'd never see you again. But," I shake my head "that never happened. Those five years felt longer than the first ten without having nothing to look forward to."
"You tried to get over me?" He asks quietly and I nod.
"Yeah. I did. Thought it would be best for me when it felt like I was losing myself, but that never happened, because it couldn't. You too important to get over." I remember telling myself to get over Cameron. I was hoping I wake up one day not knowing who I was or who he was. But, all the while I did everything in my power to not forget his smile or his face. I didn't want to forget him. But I tried to.
Cameron caresses my face, so I keep taking.
"Not having you was the hardest part. You know I ain't never have a problem with holding my own when it comes to other people. I barely concerned myself with that shit unless niggas start getting disrespectful, but that's different. Still, I knew I got myself regardless of what the motive is," I say.
"Did people bother you?" He asks, sounding sad.
"All people know to do is bother me. Of course they did. But each of them got handled in they own way. Some niggas it cost they life or almost did. But that's the price they paid. I always said just leave me alone and it won't be no issues, but even that was too hard to understand." It's as simple as that. I've come to terms with it, I'm a murderer. I know. I don't care, because people only get targeted if they over do it with fucking with me or my family. I could care less.
"What do you mean cost their life? You killed someone?" He backs up and frowns at me. He don't know about that shit. He only knows about the nigga I almost killed for asking me to— I don't even want to say that nasty ass shit— which was the reason I couldn't see him anymore.
"I did." I look into his eyes.
"Anthony..."
"What? I'm here now so it don't matter."
"It's not about that... I just didn't know. I don't want you to think it's okay to kill people anymore."
"I understand that, but you wasn't there. You didn't hear the shit he was saying about my daughter right after you told me that she got—" I clear my throat "after you told me what happened to her. Believe me when I tell you I tried to leave it alone. But he kept going and going—"
"What did he say?" Cam straightens his body out, now seeming alarmed.
"I can't repeat it. I could only say nigga was talking about my daughter. Last time y'all was there she was ten years old. I killed that nigga, and I don't regret it either. Ain't nothing good coming from a nigga that see sex in fucking kids. Fuck that, talking' bout my fucking daughter fuck outta here," I snap. This shit is recent so it still gets to me. I don't care what nobody say, I don't regret killing people that deserve it.
Cameron looks at his lap, "Why won't people leave Leah alone Ant... I don't get it. She's just a baby," he exhales "And, and I get why you did it, but I'm so torn between you risking your freedom and not having you around again versus having people targeted for the bad things they do."
"That's fine and I understand. I leave that shit in the past. I'm working on other solutions instead of killing people," I lie. I'm lying just so he doesn't overwork his mind because I can already see where this is going. I try to hold back. But I'm not promising that I'm actively looking for alternatives.
"Okay, good, I'm proud of you."
"So like, what would you do all day?" He asks.
I think back on what a day for me would look like. "I would wake up, lay in one spot for a bit, thinking bout all ya. Lay there till it's my time to shower. After I did that, went back to the room and waited for them to bring my food. Push ups or something to pass time. Sometimes I was able to go out in the yard, but that was rare. I start—" I almost bring up the fact that I would start drawing or stare at what I drew. I don't know what it is about it, but I don't want to talk about it. Cause then he's gonna wanna see them and I rather keep it to myself. "They bring me my meals. And in between I'd just workout or think about y'all. Freshen up a little with the sink I had since I could only shower once. All the way till night time when it was time for me to sleep. And then I'd do the same thing the next day," I finish. Everyday felt like the same day. Sometimes I ain't even know what day of the week it was.
"That's not fair," he says emotionally. I look up at him and he's got tears running down his face, "I don't like that. You were all alone with no one to talk to," he cries.
"I paid for what I did. I didn't like it, but I had to be alone. I couldn't be with other people, it wouldn't work. Don't cry, I was fine and I'm fine now."
I don't want to get into how that affected me emotionally because then tonight is gonna turn into exactly what I didn't want, plus I don't want to talk about all that anyways. As far as I'm concerned, I'm gon take a lot of shit to the grave with me. Because now that I'm out it's not about my emotions no more, I gotta play my role and protect and lead my family. So it's no time for none of that. I'll be fine.
"Let's stop talking about this now, I made you cry when I'm the one who told you stop crying," I wipe his eyes.
"Alright," he laughs through his tears and I smile.
"Alright."
We stare at each other for a moment and break out into laughter at the same time.
"What you laughing about." I ask.
"If I say it, I'm going to sound like a broken record."
"Me too," I smile.
"Fifteen years since you last held me like this, I guess it's justified."
"It is. Imma keep saying it till it clicks, and you can too. I really thought you was a figment of my imagination when I saw you baby. Shit feel like magic when you in my arms."
"Oh my god, you're so—," he pouts and I cover his eyes. "I love you. I won't cry." He says so I uncover his eyes and sure enough it's a single tear.
"I didn't even have a clue you would be here. I could have gotten a heart attack, literally, with how shocked I was and the state of health I'm in right now. I'm glad I didn't but I though I was dead when you walked through that door. So you're right, I'll say it until it clicks completely. Slap me hard so I know I'm alive."
"Fuck no, I ain't hitting you, you alive trust me," I laugh.
Cam lifts one leg off of me and uses his working hand to brace on my shoulder, "I have to use the bathroom," He continues to struggle to stand up.
"Why you ain't say something before you start moving? Stop, hold on."
I put my arm around his back and swiftly stand up in under three seconds, much faster than he could have done it.
"Thank you," he says in embarrassment.
"You need help with something, you ask for it baby, I'm right here," I wrap my arm around his shoulders. I walk with him to the direction of the bedroom where the bathroom is.
"I really hope you didn't spend too much money on this Anthony. It's too beautiful."
I ignore him. Because I did spend a lot. But he don't gotta know that.
"How much you think you worth?" I ask him.
"I don't know. Not this much I know for a fact. Look at this, why is it so beautiful and big," he says once we walk into the bedroom. The fact that he thinks this could compare to what he's worth is funny. But imma let that slide.
"Go ahead and use the bathroom. You chattin." I softly push him towards the bathroom door.
While he's using the bathroom I sit and wait for him on the bed. He comes out in two minutes and I stand up and wrap him in my arms.
"I'm boutta take a shower. Come with me," I use my hand to caress one side of his body.
"Really?" He giggles
I kiss his neck and he twitches. "Come on," I say in his ear and kiss it.
Cam sighs, "don't do that," he groans.
I press my lips against his neck, "come on." I mumble against his skin and continue sucking on him.
"Okay," he finally moans "okay." I'm not stopping yet because I got a goal. I keep kissing his neck until I feel him get hard on my leg. Then I let him go.
"Aight," I don't talk about it but I can tell by his body language he tryna hide it. This reminds me of when we were teenagers, figuring each other's bodies out for the first time. Feels so long so now.
"I didn't bring anything with me," Cameron mumbles as I close the door to the bathroom.
"That's alright."
"No clothes?"
"What you need those for," I look back at him. I smile as I watch him choke on his words. Shit, I'm joking but I'm not. Clothes are unnecessary.
"You could wear something of mine. Don't worry," I turn around and Cameron is standing in the middle of the bathroom looking all stiff. "What's wrong?" I ask. I turn on the water to a hot temperature because that's how he likes it, real hot.
"Um, I'm honestly starting to panic a little bit but I think it's because I've been the only one seeing myself naked for a long time and I think I'm nervous," he rocks back and forth.
"Want me to get naked first? You feel more comfortable? Or you don't want to get in with me?"
"No, I want to get in with you. I do. I'm just really nervous."
I smile at him, probably a little too long because he starts shifting on his feet.
"Come here," I finally say. He slowly walks towards me. "Can I do it for you?" I ask and he hesitantly nods. First I start to take off his shirt. I try my best to avoid his arm. "I can't feel anything... it's okay." He says and looks up at me. I look away and back down at his shirt. I don't like that.
"You good?" I ask once the shirt is off and he nods. I reach down and unbutton his jeans. I reach my thumbs in and grab his jeans and underwear at the same time. I look at Cameron one more time then I pull down his pants and underwear. I pull off his socks and then continue to take his pants off the rest of the way. I put them off to the side. He crosses his legs, "Stop it. Let me see you." I stand up and kiss him off guard. "It's just me. You know I love everything about your body."
Cam looks at me in the eyes with a facial expression of fear. I don't say another word and start taking off my clothes. First my hoodie, then my t shirt, my undershirt. Then my shoes.
"Take my pants off," I tell him.
He takes two steps towards me, covering himself up, and then starts to take my pants off. I help him out and eventually I'm standing just as naked as he is, the only difference is I'm not tryna hide anything. Because I know without question he's attracted to me, like he should know without question that I'm attracted to him, like crazy. "Relax," I tell him. I brush my hands over his body. He loosens up his posture and I use my hands to uncross his legs. Naturally, I look him up and down.
"Your body is beautiful baby," I say honestly. That's the most pg way I could say what I really want to say. Cam shrugs like he don't believe me and looks away with his arms crossed. I smile at him. He looks at me again and blushes. It feels like the first time I seen him naked. My heart is beating fast for no reason and I can't take my eyes off of him. Just perfect.
I close the shower door after we both are inside. I pull him closer to me so our bodies are pressed up against one another.
"You could get this wet?" I ask him about his cast.
"Yeah... I'll dry it. I can sleep without it too. It's just to support the weight of my arm."
I nod. I start washing my body, so Cameron does the same. I been watching him intently been since he started and I don't think he notices. He's so beautiful, from his personality to the shape of his body and I hate the fact that he doesn't believe it.
"Are you staring at me?" He asks accusingly while his back is turned to me. I sure was. Hard too.
"Nah," I say while my eyes are clearly glued to the suds running down his ass.
He laughs, "I can see you. There's a reflection."
"Damn, you caught me."
"You don't care," he turns around and smiles.
"I don't," I pull him in close to me by his waist. Cameron reaches his hand up and holds my face and I lower my head and kiss the side of his mouth. The way he's looking at me right now, eyes all big and shit. I been underestimating the feeling he gives me all these years trying to imagine it. Don't even come close. He positions my face to get a kiss right on my lips. I slide my hands down to grab his behind. He smiles on my lips and I smack and grab it again making him yelp. I feel something brush against my leg so I look down at both of us on hard pressed up against each other. Cameron looks down too, "oh."
"Oh." I mock him with a laugh. He smiles at me and I swear I feel myself trying to catch my breath at the sight of his wet body and face and those pretty blue eyes. He touches the top my chest and traces the tattoo across it.
"Cameron," he says. "That's me." I look down at my chest and from my perspective see bits and pieces of my tattoo. It's the boldest and biggest one I have and it's in his name. This one right here is my favorite, it means the most to me.
"I love this one and I always have. I can't believe," he looks into my eyes and down to my lips, then my chest, then my stomach and down to my dick then shakes his head and sighs "I can't believe all of this.. all of you is all mine. And you marked it when I asked. What more could I ask for."
He kisses my chest and rubs his hand against my stomach. I catch his neck between my lips again and start sucking on it. He moves closer to me and moans softly. I keep at it and his moans stay consistent. I pause for a second when I feel his hand around my dick. He starts jerking me off loosely. "Damn," he catches me off guard at first but I fall into it. Cam pulls his neck away from my lips and I lean my head against the shower wall when he tightens his grip.
He looks down between us and looks back up and continues to pull on me. Cam looks me in my eyes and goes faster. "Shit," I sniff and exhale deeply. Cameron whimpers as he watches me.
He starts to rub his thumb over the head of my dick and I bite my lip so I don't make noise. It's no reason why this should feel so good, but I know it's the fact that it's his hands doing it. It feels different when he does it versus what I was doing when I was alone in prison, tryna get a quick nut to the thought of him. Now he's here and I can stare at him while he does it to me and it's like my fantasies came true.
"Anthony," he whispers as he tightens his grip. I open my eyes to look at him and he smiles and his face flushes with a pink color. "Oh my god," he whispers when I look into his eyes. He looks down and keeps jerking on my dick and brushing his thumb over the head slowly increasing the speed and grip. It doesn't take long till I feel my stomach tighten up. But I can't even blame myself. I wasn't expecting that.
"Shit," I breath out and soon as Cameron brushes over my head one more time I start nutting, all over his hand. "Fuck," I mumble under my breath. Cam whimpers while I'm still releasing on his hand. After a couple seconds I take my dick from him and slowly pull on it till I'm sure I'm finished, and when I'm sure I let it go. I look at Cam and he is still red.
I grab him by his waist, "come on." I say and turn him around. I kiss the back of his neck and start kissing down his back. I don't get too far since Cameron pulls away a little bit. I look up and he shakes his head 'no' "No, not for me," and begins to turn his body back around.
"No? Why not?" I question him.
"Um," he exhales, "I just don't want you to."
I laugh a little, "You hard baby. I could take care of you in a lot of ways that don't involve my dick."
"I know... it's just that... I don't want to."
I look down in confusion. His body is really saying something else.
"What you not telling me. Just be honest. I make you uncomfortable?" I ask. I don't know if it's awkward for him or what. I'm not gonna force him to do anything he doesn't want to do but right now it's just not making sense.
"Not you but... I'm still a little nervous, so it is kind of uncomfortable for me to like... you know.... and it's stupid."
"No, it's not. You could feel however you want to. It's nothing stupid about it."
"No, it is stupid because you're my husband and I shouldn't feel so awkward. But..."
"It's my job to make you feel comfortable, regardless. I'm your husband but I know it's been a long time since we been like this. That's why I keep telling you to let me know if there's something to rebuild because I'll do it happily long as I know you feel comfortable," I say. I'm being honest when I say that too.
"I feel so weird because I have no problem touching you, I want to, but...the thought of you touching me makes me feel overwhelmed like I couldn't handle it, and now that I say that I think I'm just scare for no reason. I want you to. But I... I don't know."
"Okay," I say. I don't like not doing something for him in return, ever. I never did, it always reminded me of the way I used to purposely treat women I didn't care about before I met him. Have them do something for me and not do anything in return. I have no problem when it's the other way around when it comes to Cameron, I'll do for him all day, happily, without expecting anything but that's it.
"Give it a little bit of time. Until you feel comfortable I don't want you to worry about me no more. We gonna wait together and whenever you ready I'll be ready too," I tell him.
"Okay," he says sounding relived. He doesn't have to be afraid that he's gonna offend me. Just tell me how it is and I'll work with that. "It won't be long. I promise."
He's making it too serious. It's no mystery that I always want to fuck. It's just the type of nigga that I am. But I ain't a sex addict, I can wait for him. All I want is for him to be comfortable.
In five minutes we finish up in the shower and get out. I let Cameron out first and secretly eye his body again. I want to look back at my drawings and see if I got anything right, because what I'm looking at right now is making me feel way different than what I had in mind. And I'm not talking about size. Whatever size Cameron is he always manages to still have a beautiful body. Maybe I'm bias, but he could be skinny or fat or in between but I know without a doubt that I'll always be attracted to him. I'm talking about the proportions and the details. I say it a lot, but I'm so fucking lucky.
I wrap him up in a towel before I leave the bathroom for a second to get him the other toothbrush from the pack I bought.
"Thank you," he says when I give it to him.
We brush our teeth and he dries his hair and then leave the bathroom together. I use a towel to dry my body while Cameron sits on the bed and watches me.
"I didn't think it would be possible for you to become any more handsome than you were before," he says "but then you pop up looking like this." He tilts his head and looks at me with shiny eyes. "You're way out of my league, how did I get you" he sighs.
"Don't start your shit," I drop the towel on the floor. "Out your league," I mumble with a laugh. Boy is fuckin bugging. Everybody and they mother know it's the other way around. You could find another nigga that look like me, but don't nobody look like him. It's only one of him and I got lucky.
"You are. I always had to go extra hard to claim you in public because people would act like they don't see me to get to you," he laughs.
"You had to go extra hard because you short. But I didn't have to fight niggas or shoot niggas for tryna talk to you?"
"You diiid—"
"Alright then."
"No, but you didn't have to because none of them came close to you. It was different because people rarely questioned why I was with you based solely on your look, but pretty girls, they always questioned why you were with me based on mine, and that's because you're out of my league."
"No," I laugh, "you must've forgot." I pull out my lotion from my bag.
"Forgot what?" He frowns in confusion.
"You came to New York gay as shit. People knew what to expect with you. I never had no interest whatsoever in no boy till you popped up out of nowhere from California and I made you mine. It was confusing how it's nothing but females for eighteen, nineteen years then you show up. That's what was confusing. But I never gave a shit. And don't."
"Eh, I guess so," he rolls his eyes "but still. You're too handsome for me."
"Talking out ya ass, but okay." Shit don't make no sense. At all. I moisturize my body and put on some deodorant.
"It's okay if I lotion your body? I don't want you struggle with your arm," that and I just want an excuse to touch him.
He laughs, "yes, it's okay." He takes off his towel and covers himself again.
"Want me to take this off? I ask about the cast and he nods.
"Yes please."
It's velcro so it's easy for me to take it off. I put it on the dresser to dry. His arm falls to his lap then off to his side and I quickly grab onto it.
"It's okay," he grabs his arm and puts it on his lap.
I get to moisturizing his body from his shoulders to his hips all the way down to his feet. I turn him over and do the same all the way down. Perfect excuse to feel on him. Maybe it's a good first step to touching him, because his body says he's enjoying it.
"Thank you," he says once I'm finished. I give him a t-shirt from my bag for him to wear to bed. While he changes I take our old clothes and put them in the washing machine. When I get back I put my clothes on, just some basketball shorts and socks.
"You tired yet?" I ask him and he shakes his head.
"Nope. I don't even know what time it is," he says.
"It's," I look at my phone "almost twelve."
"Wow, it doesn't feel like it."
I get in the bed and pull him into my lap. I scoot down in a laying position so that he's laying on top of me.
"Wanna stay like this till we fall asleep?" I ask him.
"Yes," he exhales and afternoon a few moments of silence, "I'm gonna cry again," he admits.
"Go head."
I rub his back as he cries into the my neck and kisses my face. I just wanted to get his mind off of the technical parts of our relationship for a while. It's gonna be difficult, I know, and there is so many unanswered questions. But we'll figure it out.
Cameron cries on me for a while but slowly falls asleep, so I turn off the lights and close my eyes too.
This is all I ever wanted. To hold him in my arms at night. And to know he's safe with my to cover him. I'm not gon front, it makes me feel emotional right now, it does. Just being able to have him here in my arms. All those years, my arms being empty. Just tryna imagine what it would feel like to have the weight of his body on me, and sense how comfortable he is on me. Tryna imagine holding his hand, and watching him fall asleep. This gotta be a dream. I wouldn't be surprised if I wake up tomorrow and he's not here. That's why I'm tryna stay up as long as I can. I don't want to waste any time with him. But, soon my eyes start to close, and for once I don't feel paranoid about my surroundings.
I'm opening up my eyes to brightness coming through the windows. For a second I don't know where the fuck I am so I sit up quickly, but then it settles in and I remember that I'm at this hotel.
I look over to my left and I don't see Cameron. I woulda started panicking off rip if I ain't hear the shower water going. Damn, I need to relax. Morning just started and I'm already on edge about everything. I gotta remember I ain't in prison no more, I don't need to be waking up on a hundred already.
I stretch and look at my phone. It's a little past ten right now. I could check out at one, but I'm probably gon do that a little earlier. I want to see my kids.
The bathroom door is open so I go inside to use the bathroom, and brush my teeth. I was gonna wait for Cameron to get out of the shower to take one to give him some space, but before I leave the bathroom he opens up the shower door.
"Ant, are you coming in?" He asks.
"You want me to?"
"Yes."
So I get in with him. Yeah, we get to kissing a whole lot and feeling each other up, that's a given, but we don't get too ahead and actually focus on showering.
When we're finished showering, moisturizing and getting dressed I start putting my shit away in my bag. Cameron put the clothes in the dryer so he was able to wear what he had on last night and so was I.
"Where you live again baby?" I ask him.
"Fort Greene," he gives the address of his apartment building. It really ain't far from here at all.
"Anthony..." he starts but then he shakes his head "nevermind."
"What? What's wrong?"
He sighs. I help him into his dry cast and when it's on he sits down.
"Yesterday when I asked you if you're gonna stay home with us, you didn't want to talk about it. I don't want to live separately. I can't be apart from you anymore. I don't like that question... where do you live. It should be where do we live."
I stay silent at first. I don't want to talk about this because I know it's a conversation that won't end fast. I have my reasons for wanting to stay separate for now. Just for now, of course not forever. But I can't just insert myself into something that's been established. I don't know how to explain that to him without him overthinking it.
"We'll talk about that later. I know," I add when he rolls his eyes, "I know baby, I know, but you gotta understand this is what's gonna work for me and us."
"Well I can't understand because you're not explaining. I really really don't want you to be anywhere else. Why would you need to?" He asks, confused. I know it could be but I have my reasons.
"I said I ain't talking about it right now. You need to respect that," I finalize. I look into his eyes so he knows I'm serious. I do shit to protect him and my kids and I know he can't understand it now, but soon. When it's time for us to talk about things. I can't lay everything I'm feeling out right now because I'm still working on making him happy.
He pouts and nods his head quickly, "okay. Okay, I'm sorry," he says. He looks away and immediately, I feel bad for snapping at him. He didn't deserve that, I can't take my irritation out on him. He's just worried, I get it. But he should know that I don't willingly want to be apart from him. Come on now. That don't even make sense.
"I'm not saying it's a forever thing. That could never happen, come on. It's just for now. You need to trust me."
He nods again. I kiss his forehead. "Let's go now. Don't stress about it." I gather my things and help him up.
"Aww, checking out so soon?" The lady at the desk asks.
I give her the key.
"Okay, so you will be refunded the deposit to the card on file."
"Ok."
"Did you guys enjoy your stay with us at One Hotel Brooklyn Bridge?"
I put my wallet in my pocket. Cameron shoves me a little bit and frowns at me. What? He sighs.
"Yes, we did. It's so beautiful, thank you for asking."
"Glad to hear you guys had a pleasant stay. You're welcome any time. Have a nice day." She slides a "thank you for coming" thing over and right at the top in pen is a number with her name attached to it and a heart.
I start walking away with Cameron, "Thank you so much, you too," he says and then turns to me. I throw the brochure where her number was at in the garbage right before the exit. Fuck outta here, like she don't see Cameron all up on me.
"Anthony!" He whispers yells "she was nice. You weren't answering her."
"So." I don't owe nobody nothing. And she was plotting, she wasn't nice.
"So?" He sighs, " that's not nice."
I'm not gonna justify myself using the shit she just pulled especially because of what Cameron was saying earlier about me being too out his league or whatever the shit was because he's just gonna use this as a crutch.
"When did you get a car? When did you get your license back? Wait, what?" He questions while I'm opening the passenger seat to my new car for him. The explanation that would make most sense to people is that Tyler bought it for me. But that's not how it happened. He helped me get my license back, like he helped me get my life back. He did a lot of convincing for me. But, I bought this car with my money. Like I said yesterday, I been doing a lot of work away for a while making money and money that I had before. And one of the first things I did right with buying a phone is buying a car. I find a way if I wanna make one.
"I was working and made some money."
He doesn't question me any further and nods, "I love it. It's like the newer version of your old car."
"Right. That's why I picked it." I close the door and get in the drivers seat.
"I'm so happy for you," he says when I get inside.
I put my hand on his thigh and start the car. I made a mental note of his address, and like I said it's not that far from here so we reach in about fifteen minutes. I start to park and Cameron points in front of us, "That's my car."
I look ahead and smile. A white SUV. "Yeah? It fits you."
"Really?" He laughs.
"Yeah. You gon drive me around one day. Be my— what's that shit called? That Tyler got?"
"Cab driver?"
"Nah it's a word for it," I try to remember even though it ain't that serious.
"Oh, a chauffeur?" He giggles and I nod.
"Yeah, that."
"I would love that," he says. I finish parking behind him. I go around to the other side to open his door for him. I help him out of the car then wrap him in my arms.
"All I've ever wanted." He sighs. I kiss his head, "Lead the way baby," I look around. I don't know where to go.
"So," he starts while we walking towards the entrance, "I have a question."
"What."
"Are people like allowed to see you or are you supposed to be hiding?" He asks.
"People could see me. I just don't want to be seen."
"Oh, I understand."
"I don't care if I'm seen. But I don't go out of my way."
"Well, you've always been that way."
"Yeah."
We walk in together and soon we in front of his door.
"I don't have my keys..." he sighs. "Try to call Tyler."
I call Tyler and he picks up on the first couple rings,
"Door?"
"Yeah."
In a couple seconds Tyler comes opening the door and he look like he just woke up. "Aw shit look who it is," he says like we wasn't just on the phone. "The one and only, Cameron! And he brought a fan," He laughs. It was funny so I laugh a little bit, but only a little bit. We walk inside after him and Cameron closes the door.
Tyler hugs me and Cameron, "How was y'all night?" He asks.
"It was nice, what about yours?" Cameron unzips his jacket and I help him take it off.
"Good, I slept in your bed... ordered mad food.. it don't get no better," he laughs.
I look around at my surroundings. I like how Cameron can express who he is through everything he touches because this place is definitely like him. Mad plants everywhere, bookshelves, little decorations, framed pictures, even a couple of me. More than a couple the more I look. "I haven't been here for a while. Good job keeping it clean at least," Cam smiles.
"It's nice," I say, "fits you too."
"Thank you."
I take off my hoodie and lay it on the couch with his coat. Tyler stretches then drops himself down to sit down. "So, y'all wanna eat out? Let's eat brunch, please." Nigga already thinking about food.
"I guess so," Cameron says.
"What's that?"
"You serious?" Tyler raises his eyebrows, "Nigga, brunch. Breakfast and lunch." He furrows them. I didn't know. Now I do.
"Oh."
I take a seat across from him. Cameron excuses himself to the bathroom leaving us in the living room alone. Tyler looks at me, "Nigga you glowing. Both of yall."
I lean back and rub my hand over my head. This the happiest I been in a long ass time, so I'm not surprised. I forgot what it felt like to be satisfied. Now that I'm experiencing it, I'm not shocked that my emotions are worn on my face. He does it to me.
"You don't know how happy it makes me to see you happy bro. I want it to stay that way," he lean forward and braces on his elbows. I smile at that.
"You know, I'll never forgive life for making me go through my twenties without you nigga, I'm being for real. We still pretty young now but you know, we not kids no more and we can't afford to make mistakes no more. And shit, if I'm being honest we getting up there. But damn, I really needed you then," he shakes his head in disappointment.
"I know. Me too."
"We here now though so that's all that matters. Maybe life will start to feel complete again."
"I hope so."
We sit in a comfortable silence for a while until Tyler asks a question about my living situation. He already knows why I'm staying away from my family and not inserting myself into the picture, so it's easier for me to talk to him about it instead of Cameron who has an emotional response to everything. He knows I'm not gon be staying in New York for the next couple months. He knows all of that, but I'm just waiting for the right time to tell Cameron because I know he's gonna over react. I can't even call it over react though because I think it's fair for him to feel upset, but it's not gonna be a forever thing. It's just gonna be a hard conversation to have when I have to leave.
"So you figured out where you staying out there?"
"Yeah, I found something. Like eight hours from here. But it's closer to over there."
"Damn nigga," he clasps his hands together, "that's deep. He not gon like that."
"I know. That's why I'm holding off. He already brought it up today. I don't know how to explain to him that it's better—" I kiss my teeth and rub my hand over my face. I'm not tryna hurt him. But, I gotta do what I gotta do for me, and for him so he could get me at my best. Not bout to show up and start ruining shit. "I don't know."
"I don't know bro. If I could help in any way let me know, you know that," he says.
"I know. Thanks."
"Want a hug?" He asks. "No," I respond and he laughs. Nigga always wanna hug, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with him.
Suddenly I can't see because there's hands covering my eyes. I grab the hands off of my face and look behind me to see who it is and come face to face with my smiling daughter. I smile at her and pull her around.
"Come here princess, what you doing?" I ask her.
"Nothing, I just got out the shower," she sits in my lap and wraps her arms around me and lays her head on my chest. I smile when she closes her eyes.
"I love you daddy," she sighs.
"I love you more beautiful," I kiss all over her face while hugging her tighter. "You slept good?"
"Yep, I had good dreams and everything. Only nightmare I had is when Uncle Tyler's face popped up—"
"Bullying is not ok," he chimes in and Leah burst out in laughter. I smile at them. They funny.
"Where's papa?" Leah asks and right at that moment Cameron pops up.
"Hi baby," He hugs and kisses Taleah.
"Hi— awww oh my god," she holds his face in her hands "your face!"
"I know right," Tyler says
"What?" He asks with furrowed brows.
"Papa I ain't never seen this much life in your face. Ever. You all red."
"Oh," he blushes and looks at me, "really?"
"Yes! So cute," she pinches Cameron's cheeks. He smiles and looks down. Wow.
"Nigga Anthony melting," Tyler laughs and everyone looks at me and I catch myself from staring at them interact. "Never seen this nigga so invested."
"Oh," I straighten myself out and they laugh at me. I think that was a moment of falling in love again. I swear. I pull Cameron's face close to me and kiss him. We stare into each other's eyes for a while then Cameron caresses my face the sits down besides me. My daughter lays her body out to lay on him and I at the same time.
We sit around and watch Tv only for a little bit before we leave so Tyler could get his bluch or whatever it is, because I think we waiting on Aj to come out his room, at least I am. I get tired of waiting for him, I want to see my son. I lift Leah off of my lap and tell them I'll be back.
"Where you going daddy? I was getting comfy," she asks.
"Where's your brothers room?" I ask. She gets comfortable on Cameron's lap who embraces her in his nap.
"Straight ahead."
I follow those directions and try to open his room door but it's locked. I knock and I get no response. So I knock again. When there's still no response I get impatient and bang on the door once, "what you locking the door for!"
All a sudden the door handle starts moving and Aj opens the door. He stands in front of me, frozen.
"What you got your door locked for, and not answering when I knock?" I ask him.
"I ain't know it was you..."
"Even if it wasn't, you don't lock doors and don't answer when people calling you. Who you thought it was?"
"I don't know," he mumbles.
Yeah. I already know this boy need work. And he gonna get it too, trust me.
"Come here," I pull him in for a hug and kiss. He holds me tight, and I don't let him go. This boy looks just like me, but he ain't gonna grow up to be like me or have my attitude and imma make sure of it. I'm nobody to look up to. I ain't proud of who I am, and nobody should be proud of who I am.
"You almost as tall as me," I caress his cheeks "I can't believe you all grown. Looking like a man. Don't look no damn fifteen," I say while looking at him. He does remind me of myself a lot. Growing fast for his age. He's still my baby in my eyes. When I was fifteen I had to step up, I ain't have no time to be a child and I didn't look the part. I don't want that for my kids. I don't like this reserved persona he got. But I don't want that for him. Nigga barely talks. I sound like a hypocrite, but it's how I feel.
I kiss him all over his face, "come on, your uncle wants to go eat something. He gon get tight if he misses it, that's what he said."
"Okay. I won't take long."
"Aight. I love you baby."
"I love you too," he responds.
"Yeah, and it's no need to be locking doors if you not changing or some shit, I don't like that."
"Sorry, I won't," he says.
I dismiss him and he closes the door, I'm guessing without locking it this time. I walk off but not without stopping by the next rooms. I could tell which one was Taleahs because of all the teenage girl clothes laying around. And I could tell Cameron's because it's clean with plants and shit. I go inside. I look around a little bit then sit on his bed.
Damn. I ain't smoked a blunt today yet. Probably why I been feeling a little irritable, but it's not serious. I stretch my back and breath out. When I open my eyes I look at Cameron's phone that's charging on the dresser. I pick it up— not to be sneaky and catch him doing some foul shit, I'm not worried about that. I just want to see some pictures, times where I wasn't there. And that's what I do. I see a lot of pictures of my kids, not a lot of him. But I do see a couple from a few months back, and he visibly weighed a little more in them. I see what I came to see and that's to visualize what life was life before I got out. A lot of pictures with random kids too, who I'm guessing are his students. Being a teacher was the perfect career for him. It's no one better to guide a whole bunch of kids than him.
I double click his home button to exit out of the pictures to put his phone away, but an opened tab makes me curious. I said I wasn't being sneaky, and I'm not. I don't feel the need to go through texts or nothing like that because I'm not suspicious. But I see he has a long paragraph in his notes, which makes me curious.
I click on the tab and it starts off with him saying how much he loves Taleah. But then I keep reading and I pause and make a face at the screen. Hold on. I think I need to read it again. Because I know I ain't seeing this shit right. I just fucking know I ain't seeing none of this shit right and if I am, it's fucking over. Fuck all that.
"I love you Taleah, my babygirl. My best friend. My heartbeat. My everything. I love you Aj, my baby boy. Even if you hate me. You guys are the best thing to ever happen to me. And I love you, Anthony. The love of my life. It doesn't matter, this, none of this, and Im happy you won't hear about this. We weren't able to ever see each other again anyways. And I can't do this without you. It's selfish. But I'm going to be selfish for once. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel alone. I am alone, even if I have people who love me. I've done all that I can do, and I can't have peace doing this without you. I have no control. I'm ready to find peace, finally. It's killing me slowly. I feel it in my body. And I've had it up to this point. I'm done with the torture. This is my true breaking point. And that's okay. I'm sorry."
My body starts trembling and I clench my fists. Ain't no way. I look at the date on it and he wrote this a couple weeks ago. I stare ahead at the wall and try to empty my mind before I hit something. Talking about Aj hates him? Saying he happy I ain't gonna hear about this? Breaking point?
So, you mean to tell me Cameron was gonna— nah. I can't think the shit. It's making me sick to my stomach and it's making my head hurt. No. I'm not gonna believe it. Because if my eyes is not playing tricks on me, this looks like my baby was going to kill himself, and nobody said a fucking thing? "Shit bullshit! Fuck!"
Kill himself? Nah. Writing suicide letters. Somebody got to be playing a trick on me. Talking about his kid hating him, nah. Cameron don't use that word lightly.
I stare at the screen a little bit and clench my teeth. I'm not bout to fucking cry, but I be lying if I said I didn't want to how mad I am. This wouldn't be that serious to some people, some people would say I'm over reacting, but when you know someone like Cameron, it just don't make sense. And the more I read it, I'm putting the blame on myself, like I should.
I shut the phone off and put it back down on the dresser.
"Ant?" Cameron comes in, "are you okay? I heard you scr-scream. What..." he stares at me "are-are you okay? You look upset." He walks towards me and touches my arm. "Babe? What's wrong?" He whimpers.
I rub my hand over my face and softly push him aside. I put my hands behind my head and walk back and forth to calm down. Cameron sits on his bed and waits for me while I inhale and exhale to try to relax. This what I mean when I say I try to control my anger now. But god knows how bad I want to hit something. No blunt and this is what I come across, shit got me at my worse. I want to say I should've never clicked it, but part of me is glad I did.
I look at Cameron on the bed and he looks at me with sad, wide eyes, "are you okay?" he asks hesitantly with a tear running down his face, "I'm sorry, but I don't know why you're mad and I'm scared." His voice cracks towards the end and he starts to cry. I can't take that right now.
"I'm okay." I pull him up from the bed and hug him, probably tighter than I ever did before. "Don't worry." I say into his ear, "nothing wrong," I try and convince him. What I really want to do is sit him down and ask about what he wrote. But, I ain't gon do that. I'm not gonna ruin his day right now. But it's no question that now, I'm not in a decent mood no more. I can't be. All them nights I tried to kill myself in prison, it never once crossed my mind to think he wanted to do the same. Not my baby.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
hey....hey.... how y'all doin? 😗✌🏾
After how many months, I finally came up with something y'all! I'm sorry this was one of the worse seasons of writers block for me. Thank you guys for helping because this was becoming a sad case. This wasn't fair to y'all at all. 💀
Thoughts on...
Ant
Cam
Aj
Leah
Tyler
Etc?
Not too much drama, I tried to give some calm after the storm but y'all know me, I had to sprinkle some here and there. I was trying so hard not to have Ant catch Aj slipping but I wanted to throw a slight curveball😭 & not too much intimacy either because 1) this chapter would've been a hot mess had i tried and that takes me too long because i have to refresh my mind and ask for help 💀 so i kept it simple with a little push back from Cameron.
Why do y'all think that he was a little awkward when it came to some simple touching? 🤷🏾♀️
Anyways, I hope y'all enjoyed. I'm so happy that I came up with something and so happy I am able to put a lengthy chapter out for you guys. It's okay. You can bully me for how long it took, I can take it😔
, and STAY HOME STAY SAFE SAVE LIVES! I hope each and every one of you are safe and healthy keep washing your hands we will all get through this pandemic. Think of this situation as a second chance. We have more time than we ever did. And pray for those who are dealing with losses. I love y'all.
bye bye
💓💓💓💓💓💓