I gave Bethany the directions to the landing site of the jet, and when I landed, she literally ran screaming across the runway to me.
"What. The. Fuck!" she squealed. I giggled and hugged her tightly, for I've honestly missed her so much. I wouldn't say we were absolute besties, but we had each other's backs. She's my friend that felt the courage to come out as a lesbian and broke up with her boyfriend, the same one that attacked me in high school. My shoulder still hurts sometimes, especially when I think about it.
"It's so good to see you," I say into her shirt. She's an inch taller than me, but somehow seems six taller. It's the way she carries herself, with such attitude and grace.
"Where's your man?" she jeers. "I've got to have a talk with him about taking good care of you!" I laugh, shaking my head.
"You haven't changed. I didn't bring him along. I didn't want to worry him with talking to my parents." She nods, then takes my hand.
"Well, it's a twenty minute drive back home, so you have to tell me everything about the last two years!"
—————
Bethany became a real estate agent and has been working for almost five years in the business, so when we got to her house, I was simultaneously expecting a new, extravagant home and also was surprised to see it.
"This is nice!" I exclaim, checking out the sweet place she has.
"I know, but you probably have something better," she says. "You're kinda the CFO of a whole-ass company."
"I don't have my own house. I live with Calvin." I love saying that with such causality in front of her. I know we've both dreamt of talking about our lives with each other.
"Okay, so... Don't get mad at me, but I am throwing you a party for coming home."
"What?!" I shout.
"I invited a bunch of people that actually miss you, but I'm sure randos are gonna show up, too. Just be careful. Most of the locals never really grew up, so it'll be like an annoying high school party eventually, especially when people get drunk."
"I've never been any good with parties, you know?" I whine, knowing that she knows this obvious fact about me.
"You're twenty-six. You will survive. Besides, you've lived such a life in the past year that you'll be the literal life of the party. Even so, my bedroom is our little safe haven, and I'll make sure only we and actual friends will come in. You still have to mingle though. Ana is so excited to see you again, too."
"I missed her," I whisper defeatedly.
"So you're okay with the party? Most of the girls really want to see you again. Most of them from college, but a few from high school. And I'm sure there'll be a hundred more people show up for the sake of a party."
"Yeah, it's cool. Of course I'm okay with it. I'm not going to
be the reason we can't have a good time." Bethany pumps her fist in the air and hugs me.
"Wait until Calvin hears he missed out on a party," she says with a smirk, then dashed away to grab her ringing phone.
I sigh. "It'd be nice if he were here. Parties are easier with him."
—————
Things begin livening up in Bethany's house, and my anxiety is at an all time high. I, Bethany, Ana, and some close friends all sit around or on Bethany's large bed. I've tried and failed to drink to help calm my nerves. I don't have a taste for beer tonight, and getting very shitty the day before I see my parents is a bad idea.
"Ben?" Autumn, the redheaded beauty I've known since college, speaks up. "You don't seem like yourself."
"It's... nothing." All the girls groan at that. "What?"
"That's your infamous catchphrase, Ben!" Candice says.
"Yeah, we know when something's up. That just confirmed it," Phoebe remarks.
Ana looks at me out of the corner of her eye. "We are here for you, whatever is bothering you."
"I'm just... afraid. I've never been liked. I've never been accepted by many, other than you girls. One of two things happens. I either am faced with the same level of disrespect as before, or I'll get that weird reaction to fear who I've become. Calvin told me all about how people's attitudes change toward you when you are successful. I've seen it firsthand."
Bethany sighs. "I'll stick with you. Let's go talk to some peeps." I shake my head, and she giggles. "Okay. Since you're going to sit there, you're going to smoke."
"S-smoke what?" I hesitate.
"Pot, duh."
"That's illegal," I shake my head. "I've avoided it this long."
"Benjamin, this isn't high school. If you want to smoke a little weed, you are an adult making that decision. Nothing bad's gonna happen to you. If you don't want to, that's fine. But I think it'll help you loosen up. This way you can have fun tonight and not be hungover tomorrow."
I hesitate, then surprise myself with a nod. That devilish grin Bethany gets when she's excited grows as she scurries to her nightstand. She opens a wooden box and pulls out a pre-rolled blunt. It's like she knew. She sparks a lighter flame onto the end and pulls a puff of it into her lungs, letting go softly. I take it from her and do the same, attempting to imitate the same level of inhalation. It didn't go so well, causing me to cough for a good ten seconds. When I finished having a fit, I settled down and already felt my brain swimming.
I take a few shorter puffs of the blunt and fall into an easy feeling high. It's like floating on a cloud, but the cloud is also spinning. It feels good, yet it's very vertigo-inducing. Thankfully I've overcome most of my major vertigo problems, so this is a minor nausea that subsides as I stand and do a quick spontaneous backflip. It's been a while since I've done one, and I can still pull it off.
"Benjamin!" Bethany cheers. "Pop off, king!"
"I'm feeling really light," I say giddily. It is like being a rebellious teenager, surrounded by my only actual friends from that time of my life and smoking pot together. "I think I can handle the crowd now."
Bethany grabs my arm before I can change my mind and hauls me off to her door. As I look back, I see Ana slowly stand and follow as she giggles and shakes her head. She takes one more hit of the blunt and passes it off to Phoebe. I return my eyes to my front, stepping carefully and weaving through bodies in the hall. Beth hasn't let go of me yet, and when we reach the kitchen, she finally does.
"What's up guys?" Bethany asks a group of guys I don't quite recognize. Maybe it's been too many years and I'm too high to tell.
"You throw this party for the fag?" he asks.
For a split second, I wonder if he knows Bethany is a lesbian, but I chuckle anyway. "Yeah, this is my faggot party! Hope you're having fun!"
"You know you're going to Hell, right?" he adds almost immediately after I spoke.
"Of course I do," I say sarcastically. "I already have my train ticket paid for in advance and everything."
The guy snuffs, turning around and walking off.
"See you in Hell!" I call to him, gaining a ego boost. It feels good to shut people down for once and not feel helpless.
"Asshole," Ana and Beth both say together, then chuckle.
Ana clears her throat. "I'm gonna go kick him out. And let me know about any other homophobes that've infiltrated the party. We'll handle that real quick." The other guys are actually chill and drink and talk with us for a minute before giving a friendly farewell to go deal with their asshole friend. I sit on a stool and look around at the house again, this time really appreciating everything going on. In this big open space in the heart of the house, I can see people upstairs, against railings and sitting on the floor. It's very frat-like, that's for sure.
"Ben? Benjamin Lionheart?" The voice behind me snaps me out of my irritated daze. I turn to see a guy my height, with black hair and unforgettable blue eyes. I cough, rubbing my own eyes to make sure I'm not hallucinating.
"Daniel."
"It's– well, hi. Crazy seeing you here, in town again."
"It's sort of my welcome party, so it's not that crazy."
He rubs the back of his head. Surely he is a rando that stumbled in when he got word of alcohol. Rewind time: Daniel is the first boy I ever kissed and came out to. He rejected me and called me a faggot. Fast forward. I wish he weren't in front of me right now.
"Sorry. I didn't know..."
"Want something?" I ask him coldly. "If not, you can go away."
"I actually wanted to... ugh, I don't know. Fine, I'll go away." I nod smugly, folding my arms. Bethany props an arm on my shoulder and slaps my cheek.
"Ben, don't be rude to everyone," she warns.
I gripe, "This is Daniel." Her eyes immediately catch fire.
"The one who–" I just nod, and she grinds her teeth, looking to him with a quick jerk of her neck. He's visibly sweating in fear.
"It was twelve years ago, Beth. Don't even worry about it."
"No, you're right to hate me," Daniel speaks up. "I know how much fear and confusion I must've put inside you at such a young age. We were both kids, and way too immature to make good decisions. On my part, I hurt you by invalidating your feelings the way I did. I only did it to try convincing myself that I wasn't gay, or a freak."
"Turns out...?" I question, leaving it open-ended for him to finish.
"I'm actually pansexual," he confirms. Well, more than confirms.
I sigh, putting a hand to his shoulder. "I won't say I forgive you for the pain you caused me so long ago, but it makes me happy to know you're accepting yourself now." He smiles a bit, nodding.
"What about you?" he asks me. I smirk, bellowing a very stupid laugh.
"You're looking at the CFO of ConnorsTech! I'm also engaged to the hottest man alive!" I show him my lock screen, and Danny-boy visibly ogles him.
"Goddamn, Ben. You got it good," he says. We laugh and chat for a while until things begin burning out here in the house. ...And by burn out, I mean the crowd has thinned from a generous three hundred to a stomachable fifty at most. The music faded, and so did my high, sadly.
As I say goodbye to Daniel, whom I like to assume is my friend now, I notice the change in atmosphere. It's become a different party. It's less of a good time and more of a singles-hooking-up-and-leaving-together after party. I slip through some peeps and walk into the bathroom to relieve myself of an aching bladder. As I'm washing my hands, I notice something creeping out from the shower curtain.
Upon further inspection, there are fingertips of someone's hand hanging out of the bathtub. "Oh, fuck no!" I wince. "I really don't want to see a dead body. Please don't be a dead body. Please." I lift the curtain and see more hand, then arm with a familiar and gut-wrenching tattoo emblazoned on the skin there. I grab the far edge of the curtain and slide it open completely. In the tub lies Bethany's ex-boyfriend from high school, and my assailant that merely got away with his hate crime by paying a fine; Marcus.
"Damn. I think he's actually alive," I grumble to myself jokingly. Would I want the motherfucker to be dead? Maybe, but not under these circumstances. I don't think he deserves death for what he did to me, just an actual prison sentence and mental help, but I'm not the homophobic judge in the courtroom that decided he deserved merely a slap on the wrist. I slap his face really hard to wake his ugly ass up, and he jerks upward violently, hitting his head on the shower head in the process. He looks around like a dog looking for the squirrel he heard across the yard until he notices me standing there.
"L-Lionheart?" he whispers, then his frown sets in. "What the hell are you doing here, at Beth's?"
My blood heats up to my boiling point. "Me? What are you doing here, you homophobic, bigoted, piece of shit?" He looked a bit stung by that.
"I came for a party, of course," he says cockily, sort of swaying a bit as he's still very drunk. "Want me to rough you up again or something? Is that why you woke me up? Must have a death wish." I hate that I find his specific southern drawl sort of attractive.
"No, I just figured I would do that instead of letting Bethany find you herself. You'd be dead if it weren't for me."
"So, you still gay?" I groan at the question. "Why don't you bend over that sink and I'll show you a real man's cock." I look at him with the most drained-of-entertainment face I can pull off. Then I give a dry laugh.
"Try me," I tease, putting my hands on the sink and perking my ass out. "I'm ready for your two inches, daddy."
"That's it, you're dead." As he goes to step from the tub, I walk forward and shove him at his chest, causing him to fall against the wall, then crash into the tub. I turn the shower on and let the cold water rain down on his disgusting ass, for he definitely needs severe cleaning. As he screams in agony of some harmless cold water, I walk out of the bathroom and close the door as if it never happened.
I make my way to the kitchen again, where Bethany and Ana are chilling on the island with wine. I smile, proud of myself for standing up to my assaulter. Disgusting pig. I feel dirty just replaying what he said about fucking me in my head.
"Where have you been and why do you look proud of yourself?" Ana asks me. I can see the worry in their eyes.
"Nowhere. For the record, just know, I hate straight men."
"You said it, babe," Bethany agrees. At that moment, we hear a door fly open and slam against a wall. I look directly to the hall I came from and hear deep-voices roaring. Beth and Ana hop down and get in defense mode. I cover my face in my hands and sigh. I overdid it with the shower.
"Ben, why is Marcus in my kitchen soaking wet and staring right at you?"
I sigh. "I may have gotten a little revenge for what he did to me."
"Marcus, you need to leave. Now." Ana calmly tells Marcus to leave, but he isn't really having it.
"I should rip your other shoulder blade right out of your body! Or should I get the same one? It might hurt more!" As he's heaving breath after angry breath, I cringe at his seriously out of pocket rage.
"You're a fucking psychopath!" I scream. "You attacked me purely out of your homophobic rage, taking anger out on me because your girlfriend wasn't straight! That's fucked up! It isn't anyone's fault she didn't like you! Listen to yourself! Do you not realize how fucking insane you sound, when you threaten to severely injure me? You're asking for a lawsuit!"
"I'm calling the police," Ana says with her phone in hand. "Leave now, or I'm calling the cops."
"I don't care," Marcus says through gritted teeth. "I'm gonna fuck you up all over again!" As Marcus begins blindly charging at me, I turn and book it into the living room. There, I find the front foyer and open the front door. To my surprise, someone I didn't expect to see was standing there, eyes bright and smile brighter.
"C-Calvin!" I pant. "Wha–" I didn't finish, as Marcus tackles me and, incidentally, Calvin, and we tumble outside into the yard. This isn't my idea of being sandwiched between two men. Calvin groans in pain under me, and I quickly roll off him to regain my bearings. I look around sporadically to spot Marcus again, but he grabs me from behind and puts me in a chokehold.
"What the– f-fuck, Mar..cus," I wheeze through a clenched esophagus.
"Ben!" Calvin yells, standing from the ground and rushing to Marcus and me.
"Don't worry. I just want to rough you up. I've got plenty of money to 'Pay a fine' again, if I have to." I can barely see Calvin in my splotchy vision, but when he hears those words, he realizes who this guy is from what I've told him.
"Let my fiancé go, motherfucker!" Calvin spits loudly. Suddenly, I'm released. I gasp for air, painfully thirsty and terrified I'll never breathe the same again. Calvin hugs me on the ground tightly, checking me all over for any physical cuts or bruises until he caves and kisses my head.
"I guess he high tailed it," I cough out.
"When he saw a tall, muscular, and flaming-red angry Scot, I think his better instincts kicked in." I let my hot tears flow and my sobs escape as Calvin clutches me in the wet grass.
"I didn't run," Marcus says. The terror returns at the sound of his voice. I wince and hide myself under Calvin. "I can take you on, old man!"
"I swear to God, if you don't leave–" Calvin is cut off by the sound of a shotgun being cocked. We both look to see Ana holding a gun and pointing it directly at Marcus.
"What he said, Marcus. Get the fuck out of here and never come back. Or I will fucking kill you." She almost whispered the last part. He turns tail and literally sprints down the street. I sigh, standing with Calvin's help and heading inside. Pretty much everyone has left at this point due to actual domestic violence ensuing.
"I can't believe this!" Beth shouts. All the girls are surrounding us and helping me calm down, though Calvin's arms are around me as he holds me from behind. He's so protective. I get it. I just got manhandled, and not in the good way. Having him hold me right now is more than enough.
"I'm sorry I provoked him–"
"Don't even say that," Ana shuts me up. "That piece of shit deserved a chest full of gunpowder. All you did was turn the shower on him. I think he'll survive."
"Hopefully he'll get too cold out their, all wet, and get hypothermia," Beth says angrily.
"You don't mean that," I say quietly.
"You're right, I... I just hate to see you like this. You deserve more respect. He should be in prison! And he'll get away with this, too!"
"Babe, we have cameras outside our house," Ana tells Bethany. She gasps, looking at me expectantly. I shrug.
"We could use this as evidence in a real crime, Ben," Calvin says.
"I can't stop you, I guess." Bethany fist pumps.
"Finally this fucker will go down for once. Oh, Ben, I'm sorry. I'm not even thinking about you, am I? Come upstairs, let's get you in a bed." Calvin and I follow her after I say goodnight to all the girls. I sit down in a chair and rub my tired eyes.
"It's very... interesting to meet you, Bethany," Calvin says fondly.
She smirks. "You, too. You know how to make an entrance, that's for sure." Bethany hugs me tightly. "Do not hesitate to ask for anything, and help yourself to food or literally whatever. My home is your home. Goodnight."
"Goodnight, babe," I choke out. She frowns, but fights it back with her award-winning smile as she leaves.
"Let's get you undressed for a shower," Calvin says absently, motioning for me to raise my arms. I do as he commands and let him strip me to my underwear. I quickly feel cold in the absence of clothing. "Bruises, everywhere," he whispers.
"I'm o-okay." He nods, standing me up and walking me to the bathroom. I pull the briefs off and step inside the shower, Calvin turning it on for me. I stand under the water unmoving, until Calvin emerges and joins me. I embrace him and cry softly, as I've been waiting to let more out. "I'm pathetic."
"Facing your past with courage and finding yourself feeling defeated is not pathetic. You are so strong, baby," he softly says. I look up and see him crying with me. I touch his cheek and make him smile. "When you cry, I cry."
"Then I'll stop, if only for you."
"You taught me not to bottle up my feelings. Don't go starting that, too." I nod, allowing myself to freely process my feelings without guilt.
We eventually get clean and exit the shower. I walk into the room and sit on the bed. Calvin steps up to me and generously slips clean briefs onto my ankles, pulling them up to my hips. He grabs one of his big t-shirts from his suitcase and parachutes it over my head. I climb into the sleeves and sigh lightly. I lie down and roll over, facing the wall and looking out the window.
"I'm really traumatized," I admit aloud. Calvin soon joins me after he's slipped on shorts. His strong arms envelop me warmly.
"I'm so sorry, I should've done more. I could've beaten that guy's ass. I still want to."
I shake my head. "I'm glad you didn't get involved. It would've been so much messier for everyone if you became violent. Thank you for being there for me. I didn't even know you were coming." I chuckle actually. "Why are you here?"
"Bethany found out I wasn't with you when you arrived, so she immediately sought me out on social media and forced me to come ASAP. I didn't protest." I laugh again, and so does Calvin. It's good to hear him laugh.
With thick sarcasm, I say, "My parents are going to love meeting you, I'm sure."
"You're not going to make me stay here?" he asks.
I scoff. "I know there's no way you won't take no for an answer now that you're here. Might as well
give in. You're coming." He giggles and hugs me.
"I really want to meet them, so thank you. I want to prove to them I'm good for you, and that we are good. That who we are isn't bad."
I nod in agreement, slipping down against him and shutting my eyes. It's been the longest night of my life, and finally sleeping feels like a privilege. Maybe the pain will be gone tomorrow.
• • •
I groan as I awaken from my heavy slumber, feeling my aching head pound along with my heartbeat. "Fuck..." Calvin isn't beside me, so that's worrying. I muster every morsel of energy I don't have and climb out of bed. I walk to the bathroom and freshen up, spending a lot of time washing my face to wake myself up. I found some headache relief pills and downed some, in hopes I'd feel better sooner than later.
As I walk down the stairs, I hear a deep voice conversing with many higher voices. I'm guessing Calvin is talking with the girls. I scoot across the floor and find them all lounging in the living room, laughing coming to a halt when they spot me.
"Don't stop on my account," I smile. "Good morning."
"You feeling better?" Calvin asks as he swiftly stood and moved to me. He rubs my sides, knowing I'm bruised from being tackled and rolled. His eyes fill with pain as he looks at my throat, which I saw in the mirror when I awoke. It's purple, with distinct markings of fingers on the left side. "It doesn't hurt that much, I just bruise like a banana."
Calvin smiles, pained at my defeated attitude. "I'm glad you aren't hurting." He must've noticed how dizzy I looked since he grabbed the sides of my head and balanced me. "You need medicine?"
"No, I took some." He nods, turning around and walking back to the couch with me. I decide to sit in his lap to avoid making other people move. That's when I look down and realize not only am I only wearing a t-shirt and underwear, Calvin is free-balling in his shorts, completely shirtless. I don't care about him as much, but I tug my shirt down over my knees.
"We've been grilling Calvin on his relationship with you," Bethany says with a broad smile, as always. "It's quite a love story. I've been worried he wasn't good enough for you, but I know now he's just perfect."
That makes me so warm to hear. "Thank you. I think so, too." Calvin nuzzles his face in my back when I say that. He's so loving and protective right now. Maybe I should get put in chokeholds more often.
Kidding. It isn't like he doesn't always show loads of affection. It's this protective side I've not really seen before, other than maybe when he sabotaged my date with that guy... what was his name? Either way, it feels like that. How scared he was for me. That was before we had even gotten together, though. Now that we're physically, emotionally, and spiritually united, we are becoming one-in-the-same more and more every day. In protecting me, he's protecting himself.
"We should probably go get ready," I whisper to Calvin. Not secretly, but that's all I can muster at the moment. He nods, standing us both up. I give Bethany the biggest hug I can and sigh heavily. She hugs me back, knowing we both need the comfort after last nights garbage-fest.
Upstairs, I find Calvin in the room bent over, his butt pointing right at the doorway. I giggle and jog up to it so I can slap it before he notices me and dodges.
"What was that for?" he asks me. I just smile, suddenly forgetting the negative for a brief moment and focusing on the hot piece of man in front of me. I'll never get over his beauty. When we first met, he had a clean shaved face and very short hair. After we began dating, he let it grow out, so now he has stylishly-unkempt hair and a full beard that I absolutely adore. I don't grow much facial hair, so I constantly shave the little that I get to stay babyfaced. Still, in retrospect, things have changed a lot since we fell in love. More good than bad, for sure.
"I wanted to touch your butt," I offer. It's the complete and utter truth, too. He just smiles as he finishes grabbing clothes from his bag.
"I definitely understand that urge," he replies, winking at me. I think about my own ass and how much he loves to grab, slap, and even bite it. I deserve to slap his every now and then, right?
Calvin tosses my bag next to me on the bed and points at it. "Right," I say. "Getting ready."
"You sure you want to do this?" he asks. "We could stay here with Bethany and forget about meeting your parents. Whatever makes you more comfortable."
I sigh, seriously considering that notion. "I can't. Not in good conscience can I get married without telling my parents first. They deserve to know, I mean, they brought me into existence."
"The idea that parents deserve anything in return from their children is so mental. They made you exist, yeah. But you didn't ask to be born quote, unquote, imperfect in a idealized society. You are perfect, and the fact that they treated you differently means they owe you. You don't owe them anything." I smile, knowing he's right. But my upbringing says otherwise. I was taught that I should respect my parents, for they gave birth to me, and I should be thankful for that everyday.
My existence isn't a gift, it just is what it is. I shouldn't feel indebted to them for parenting a child they chose to have. But I do. I feel indebted. And yet, I feel angry and betrayed.
"You gave birth to me, yet you hate what I became?" I grumble, tears forming. "I battle with that paradox every single day and still find it impossibly confusing. How parents could so easily come to hate what they nurtured because of what their child wants to fuck."
"Baby, you should tell them these things," Calvin says, pulling me in from the side. "Tell then how you feel. You're an adult, and they should respect how you feel and how you live now."
I nod, shaking off the emotions. I pull my– Calvin's shirt off over my head and unzip my bag. I decided on wearing something formal, since if this is the last time they'll see me, I want them to remember how good I look. I brought my nicest Louis Vuitton suit to wear, as if I am attending the biggest meeting of my life.
"Really?" Calvin says in awe. "The audacity! I like your attitude." Calvin opens his suitcase and pulls out something probably worth thousands more dollars and lies it on the bed. "Is this appropriate?"
"The richer, the better."
"I've been meaning to ask. Where did the spunk come from last night? W-what possessed you to soak Marcus and provoke him to murderous violence?"
"Well, I did smoke weed last night."
Calvin scoff-laughs. "You did not, liar."
"Calvin, you know I'm a bad liar. I shared a blunt with the girls last night and felt ballsy. Though, I was sure my high was gone by the time I saw him literally dead in the bathtub. Now that I think about it, I was superstitious of him being a dead body. Maybe I was higher than I remember." Calvin laughs harder with every sentence I say.
"God, I wish I hadn't missed a single moment of that. Bethany took your smoke V-card before I could."
"Don't worry, she didn't take my actual V-card. That was all you."
He cocks a brow and flashes that famous grin. "You bet your ass it was all me."
—————
We pull into my parents' driveway at exactly 1 p.m. My entire body is shaking at the idea of returning home and facing them. It's been a roller coaster of emotions. At times, I think I'm prepared for this, and others I realize I'll never be ready. Now that I'm here, I feel the latter.
"You okay?" Calvin asks me. I shake my head. "I'll be there with you every step of the way."
"Thank you." I unbuckle my seatbelt and open the door hesitantly. Calvin follows behind me as I walk up the stone-covered path to the front door. A part of me looks fondly upon my childhood home, but the other majority of me feels deep seeded hatred. This is where I acquired most of my lifelong trauma. Needless to say, this is taking a lot of strength to revisit.
I knock on the door gently and pull my glasses off my face, wiping them on my shirt. I adjust my collar and touch my hair to make sure it's decent.
"You're fine," Calvin reassures. "Perfect, actually."
I didn't have time to appreciate the sweet words. The door opens slowly, and my mother, now looking surprisingly much older than she did just two years ago, answers the door alone. In seeing me, she closes her eyes and trembles slightly.
"B...Benjamin?" she whispers, not daring to lay eyes on me again.
"Yeah, Mom, it's me." She finally looks at me again and releases a flood of tears, clutching me in a tight, desperate hug. I hesitantly hug her in return, pulling her up to stand straight so that she doesn't fall.
"Baby, I have missed you so much..." she cries. I can't help but cry as well. This is going much warmer than expected. Speaking of warmer.
"...Hey," Calvin whispers. "Maybe we should step inside. It's a little chilly out here." I nod, turning back to my mother and asking her to step inside. She agrees, allowing us indoors.
"Would you like coffee, or anything?" she asks.
"I'll make it for us. You two can talk." Calvin smiles warmly. My mom looks to him curiously, but no wretched intent is detected.
"Yeah, thank you," I say. "The cabinet above the coffee pot in the kitchen, everything's in there." He loses his smile but still graciously enters the kitchen.
"I'm sorry," Mom says quietly. "I didn't mean to seem distant."
"No, it's okay," I assure.
"I have tried contacting you for months, Benjamin. I gave up hope after sometime. I couldn't get ahold of you because I was completely blocked on every thing."
That stung a little bit. "You know when I left that you and Dad blocked me first. I only returned the favor. You disowned me, Mother. But I don't hold a grudge, it's okay."
Her eyes release more tears, and her breath sputters in holding back a sob. "I know! I'm so sorry, baby. I have no idea why we were so cold to you. I'm so much different now."
"You don't hate me?" I ask.
She shakes her head. "Ben, you won't believe me, but I never hated you. I always loved you. I wanted to accept you for who you were, but your father..." More sobbing ensues. I can tell something's wrong immediately.
"M-Mom, what? What's wrong? What happened?"
Calvin enters silently and stands in the doorway of the kitchen, behind Mom. I give him eyes that say, Not yet.
"Your father died. Four months ago, he suffered a long battle against pneumonia. He wasn't strong enough to survive in his old age." Her news hammers at my heart, but my burning distaste for my father protects me from heartbreak.
"That's horrible. I'm so sorry," I say and hug her.
"You aren't upset?" she asks.
"I–" don't really know. "I'll be okay. I'm sorry you weren't able to contact me. I would've been here for you."
"Don't apologize for that. But I'm happy you're here now." After a minute, Calvin brings the coffee in with creamer and sugar bundled in his arm.
He sits down on the chair next to the couch where my mother and I sit. "I'm so sorry, I didn't introduce myself," Mom says, wiping tears with her sleeve. "I'm May Lionheart. Call me May."
"Nice to meet you," Calvin says with a bright smile, shaking her hand gently. "My name's Calvin Reid. I'm Benjamin's..."
Yikes. "Boyfriend," I finish. "Calvin and I are together."
"That's wonderful," she says with a smile. "I'm so glad you finally found love, darlin'." I know she's tired. She gets more southern sounding the more exhausted she is.
"Maybe you should rest. I'll be here when you wake up. Please?" Mom smiles and nods. I walk her to her bedroom and lie her down in the bed. That's when I see about ten bottles of prescription pills on her nightstand. Addiction? No way. Cancer? God, I hope not. I leave after she's fallen asleep, walking into the living room again. Calvin is standing there with a frown. I let the news finally sink in. My dad is dead. I hug Calvin tightly and cry into his shirt. In front of Mom, I can't cry like this. She's dealing with her own emotional turmoil. I will not burden her with mine.
—————
"Tell me about your relationship," Mom says. I can't help but chuckle at the weirdness of her sentence. I fully expected today to go horribly. Instead, I have a mother again. It's odd to hear her interest in my life as a gay man.
"Calvin was my boss, actually. We didn't start dating until, what, September? October? Anyway, my first experiences in other countries were all thanks to him. We got caught up in each other when we should've been working. Of course, we still got our job done, but being madly in love is hard to ignore."
"You said was your boss?" Mom asks.
Calvin laughs. "Right. I gave up my position after our relationship conflicted with company policy. He took my job. Ben's the CFO now."
Mom smiles. "I'm so proud of you. Regardless of what you've accomplished, I'll always be proud of you. I hate that the person I used to be wouldn't have felt the same way."
"I am glad I have a nice job so I could come home and make you proud, though," I say. "There is something I haven't told you though. It's why I came here to begin with."
"What is it?"
I look to Calvin and take his arm, pulling him closer to me. "Calvin and I are engaged. I– we... wanted your blessing."
"Am I invited to the wedding?" she asks with a bright smile.
"Of course, Mom!" I laugh through tears.
"Then I'm absolutely thrilled." She hugs both of us excitedly. "I'm going to be that mom and jump the gun. Will I be getting grandchildren?"
I freeze. Calvin and I haven't even talked about whether we wanted kids or not. I personally do someday, just not right now.
"Maybe someday?" Calvin offers. I nod. That's a good enough answer.
"Ben, this is all I have ever truly wanted for you. I was sad when you left, but I only hoped you would find happiness. You needed to be your own person, so in a way, I'm grateful you moved away. I wish it were on better terms, of course. Your father was very unforgiving and strict about who you chose to be. I eventually told him that you never chose to be who you are. He couldn't believe I felt that way. In the end, he passed away bitter and quite lonely. All I wanted was my son back."
I take her hand and squeeze it. "I love you, Mom. All I ever wanted was for you to accept me. Thank you. I hate that Dad never changed."
"Me, too." It sucks that there isn't much good to say about him now that he's gone. In life he was strict, intolerant, and a serious bigot of anything diverse. In death, he only left behind a legacy of heartache. I guess he did teach me how not to be. I learned from him to be free, express myself openly, and love unconditionally no matter what, all things he failed to do.
After hours of conversation about our lives and plans, it gets dark. I start going through my things in my bedroom while Mom quickly makes something for dinner. Calvin helps her for a while as I pack a box with things I've been missing. It's mostly pictures and mementos from my life here. I had to leave all of my personal things somewhere when I moved away. I was staring fondly at my old keyboard I taught myself piano on when Calvin knocks on the open door to alert me he was there.
"Food's ready," he says. I nod, moving the piano aside. Calvin steps inside and closes the door. "So this is where you grew up and kissed all your high school boyfriends, eh?"
I give a tired sarcastic laugh. "Yeah, all those boys that were dying to kiss me." He steps closer and straddles my lap, something new and strange for us considering I'm smaller and usually sitting in his lap.
"Too bad I wasn't around to kiss you then," he whispers, closing in on my lips. I lightly moan and shudder. He slips his hand up my shirt, fingers dancing across my back.
"At eighteen, you still would've been twenty-six. That's how old I am now. I don't think my parents would've let you inside."
"See that window?" he asks me, pointing.
I laugh. "Good luck fitting through it, Bigfoot." He chuckles, kissing me harder and bouncing on my lap a little. He really does have some cake, and I'm jealous.
"Come on. Let's go eat before your mom comes looking for us." I blush, nodding and getting up fast to run into the dining room. Dinner was delicious and the cleanup was eventful and fun. It was strange to do menial tasks with my mother and boyfriend, but I loved it nonetheless. As the night wound down and we get tired while talking during the whole movie we sat down to watch, we prepare to leave.
Calvin carries my box of things and Mom shows us out. "I really enjoyed seeing you again, sweetheart."
"I did, too. I'll admit, I was terrified coming back. I'm glad this turned out the way it did." She nods in agreement.
"You have every right to resent me, yet you don't. I like to think you get it from me, that unconditional love. I was showing that love to your father, and not enough to you." I nod, hugging her tightly one last time.
"It's okay. I love you. We'll talk
more soon." She lets me go, and I walk to the car to speak to Calvin. "I need to talk to her about something else. Can you wait a bit?"
"Of course," he smiles. I walk back to the house and knock again. She open the door quickly.
"Mom, I want to know what all of the medicine is for." Her eyes go wide.
"I– uh, Benjamin, it's nothing you need to worry about."
I shake my head. "I want to help
you. I can do anything you need financially. Say the word, and I'll
help. I'll even move you to New York if I have to. I'm not leaving you if you're going to die on me."
She goes silent for a moment, then looks me in the eyes. "I have aggressive colon cancer, along with Hepatitis C. Neither are getting better, and I'm in debt trying to treat it. B-but I don't want you to worry about me. I can't let you pay for my bills. I should be the one taking you to the doctor, I'm your mother!"
"Mom, it's going to be okay. Tomorrow, call your doctors and give them my information. Ask them to contact me, and I will take care of everything, okay?" She nods hesitantly, crying hard.
"You have no idea how grateful I am. I'm still paying for your father's medical bills, and everything's so hard. Just seeing you today has been the highlight of my fucking life." I hold her again, this time for a while. She's been through the wringer, that's for sure.
"I'll talk to Calvin about getting you moved in with us, if you want."
"I don't want to impose of your lives."
"Then I'll get you a place nearby. I want you in my life again, Mom." She sighs, mushing her hair back in stress.
"I'd like that, but I won't accept so much. I can't put you out so much financially."
I shrug. "All I care about is your well-being right now. I make good money, and I won't let it go to waste when you could benefit from it."
She finally nods, patting my shoulder. "We can talk about it, okay?" I agree, hugging her one last time and stepping away from the door. "I love you so much, Ben!"
"Love you, Mom! Goodnight! Call me tomorrow!"
"Bye, Miss May!" Calvin says. She blows us kisses and shuts the front door as we drive away.
"What'd you talk about?" Calvin asks me.
I sigh, sinking into the seat; my voice breaks.
. . .
"Oh you know, just about how my mother is dying."