Chapter 3
What happened to Conner still has me in shock. How dare someone target us when all we want to do is save lives? What will happen the next time I enter a burning building, I probably will think twice before entering another burning building. Firefighters help people and save lives. Instead of saving lives I'm being targeted by a lunatic.
I was responsible for Conner and now he's gone. As I watched them lower Conner's body into the ground I couldn't help but feel guilty. I was responsible for his death. We're partners yet I wasn't there when he died. We should have never split up. I wish I could go back and change it all.
How could I get pass this ordeal. The memory of Conner's death hunts. The thought of going into another burning building or house terrifies me.
I know being a firefighter is dangerous and there is a possibility of death but no one said anything about someone purposely trying to kill us. We're firefighters not cops. We are not harming anyone or locking people up. All we do is save lives. This whole ordeal has been traumatizing, so traumatizing I'm scared to go to work. It's been almost a week since I step foot in the firehouse. From Trent I learned the detectives were at the station questioning everyone. Not many people knew anything because I was the only one who saw all the traps. I'm surprised no one has questioned me further.
I just don't understand why someone would do this to us.
I just keep thinking what will they do next, set the station on fire. Or kill us all in the privacy of our own homes. I can't sleep at night and more than anything I just wish Conner was here. He would know what to do or say. He would know how to calm me down.
At the grave site his younger sister, Jamie came up to me. Jamie needed no introduction because I could already tell she was Conner's younger sister. She was the spitting image of Conner.
"You must be Lillianna," Jamie said.
She was gorgeous. Long blond hair, pretty blue eyes just like Conner, plumb lips, and a nice slim figure to go with her short frame. I heard a lot about Jamie from Conner. Conner adored his baby sister, whom seemed to get into a lot of trouble. Conner and I had a good relationship so he talked about his sister often. Conner wanted her to go to college but Jamie was caught up in the modeling world. I could see why she fit into that world. She looked like she walked right off of a magazine cover.
"Yea I am." She gave me a hug before I could get out anything else. "I'm so sorry about Conner." I said as he released her hold on me.
"I am too. I keep thinking this is all just a dream." Me too. I keep hoping I'll wake up from my nightmare and Conner would still be alive. "I want to tell you something."
"Ok."
"My brother was in love with you." I had no reaction to her comment. "He talked about you a lot. I kept telling him to ask you out but he was always so shy. I just thought you should know Conner cared about you a lot and I think he would have wanted you to know."
She gave me one last hug then walked away.
I always knew Conner had some type of feelings for me but I didn't know they went that deep. I'm so sad he wasted his time on me because I was and probably never would have been the girl for him. I'm going to be single for the rest of my life and it's not a life style I decided on. It's just my destiny. I have never had a boyfriend and for good reason. Marriage and kids is not my thing. At least that's what I keep telling myself.
I have to confess, it did make my heart skip a beat to know he loved me in that way. It also made cry harder. Now that Conner's dead I wish I had the opportunity to go on a date with him. I know I'm content with being single but I can't help but feel I also missed a great opportunity. Conner's the only man besides my brothers who knew me fully and who I could be honest with. Maybe there could have been something between us but it was too late now. Not knowing hurt the most.
"You ready to go?" Trent asked me.
Trent was close to Conner but he was the type of person to bottle up all his feelings. He would never let anyone see his tears. Then again, I'm like that too but I couldn't hold back my tears this time.
"Yea," I said lowly.
Trent dropped me off at my house and the house he's currently staying in until he gets back on his feet, who knows when that will be.
My brother is a good man but he made a horrible mistake. I wish I had picked up on his distant behavior before he ended up in the emergency room after getting badly bet up. Kenton didn't speak to Trent for months and Pam still gives Trent a hard time. When I was dealing with Trent's gambling problem it was Conner who help me out and stood by me.
I had too much on my mind. I needed a distraction so I went straight to the attic to paint. Painting always calmed me down. I painted and sold my most prized material online. The only other person besides my family who knows that about me was Conner. The more I thought about it, the more it hurt to know I may have been looking the only man that would ever understand me in the eye for 5 years and now he's gone.
The stroke of my brush settled me right away. I didn't have an idea in mind; I was just putting color on a canvas. Normally, I never I had an image in my head I would just go for it.
My mom always said I was talented when it came to a paintbrush. My mother had dreams of becoming a painter, she was talented. According to my mom, her life was ruined by a man, who never admitted he was wrong or apologized. After my mom's husband, Daniel, walked out on their marriage her life spiraled out of control. I could tell my mom secretly hated Pam and Kent because they reminded her of Daniel. I never saw my mother really smile or enjoy life.
Actually, I did see my mother smile once. It was day in the hospital when she told her children goodbye, two hours after that she was died. It wasn't until I was much older that I realized my mother had AIDS. The AIDS didn't kill her but a man who contracted the disease from her beat her to death. I'm not going to act like my mom was this innocent woman because she wasn't. I've walked in on my mother 'turning tricks' on several occasions. She always said she was doing it for us. I'm not sure how much of that I believe.
My mom always said I was as talent as her but I think Drecula takes after our mom. Drecula could be a great artist if she applied herself. All she needs is focus and a little more education. I wanted her to go to college but the only thing on her mind was finding a man, so she wouldn't end up like me or worse our mother. She never said that last part but I'm a smart girl. When she got married to the NFL quarterback, Derrick Tillman she decide college was not for her. Apparently, she doesn't need an education because whatever she wants she can get with her man's money. She really did tell me that on several occasions. Sad thing is, I think Derrick really loves her and she's just using him.
My family is dysfunctional. They all lie and try to make their lives seem wonderful and blissful. When actually, they are all just as miserable as mom was. I'm not saying I live this prefect life and I'm completely happy because I'm not. I do get lonely but like I said before this is destiny. But I will never change myself for anyone and I will never settle for less.
As my thoughts continued to ring in my head, I tried harder to push them away by painting faster. Two hours into my painting, my doorbell rang. It couldn't be Trent because he had a key and most of the time he used the back door that lead to the basement apartment. When I didn't answer the door the knock became louder and persistent, which meant Pam was at my door. Sadly, I knew what her knock sounded like.
I took my time to go down the steps, I was not eager to see my sister's face. When I opened my door my sisters, all of them rush into my house and head up the steps to my living room, which they turned into a beauty parlor.
"What are you guys doing?" I asked.
"Go shower," Tatyana hollered.
I wasn't moving until they told me what was going on.
"The party," Tatyana reminded me.
I can't believe they thought I was going to that party. My partner just died, why would I want to party. I don't like to party on a regular day.
"I'm not going," I said lowly.
"Yea you are," Dre said with a laugh.
"No I'm not," I said a little louder.
"Yes you are," Pam hollered
Four hours later I found myself at Mariette's with a silver dress on and makeup. I have only worn makeup once and that was now. To top it off the dress was so tight every time I moved I was afraid it would rip. Dre put my hair up in spiral curl, another thing I never do with my hair. My hair either goes in a bun or pony tail. I was so uncomfortable. On top of that the dress barely stop at my knees. I felt naked in a room full of strangers.
As soon as we walked in all eyes were on me. I felt more uncomfortable. I'm the girl who sits in the back and watches everyone else. I don't like being the center of attention nor do I like the attention of so many male strangers.
While my sisters mingled I slipped over to the bar without them noticing. If I was going to be here I needed a drink, a strong drink.
"Can I get a tequila sunrise," I order and the bartender nodded.
"Hey baby."
I turned around to see a tall, dark, lean guy leaning over in my face.
I rolled my eyes then informed, "I'm no one's baby."
I guess he took that as an invitation to take a seat next to me because that's what he did. I rolled my eyes some more and blow out a deep breath. I knew this was only going to end badly. When the bartender handed me the drink, I quickly finished off the glass before he could swipe my credit card.
"Another," the bartender asked as he returned my card.
I mouthed no and he left me alone with creepy tall guy who happened to be staring at me like a piece of pie.
"You are too sexy to be a cop." Creepy tall guy said as he went to grab my hand.
Touching me is a big no, no. I jumped out of my seat quickly as I pulled my hand back. That was another thing about me; I don't like to be touch by men I don't know. Conner understood that without questioning it.
I tried to get away from creepy tall guy by walking in the opposite direction he was standing. However, I didn't manager to get far because he grabbed my arm.
"Wait up Hun."
I was panicking now. I wanted him to let me go.
"Let me go," I said through clenched teeth.
I was trying hard not to make a scene like last time or the time before that. But this asshole was making it difficult.
"Henry I don't think she wants to be bothered. Leave her along man," I heard a voice say from behind creepy tall guy, who's name I'm guessing is Henry.
"I'm trying to have some fun," Henry said as he moved slightly to the left and I was able to see Detective something Skyy. His first name completely slipped my mind.
"Just go back to the bar," Skyy laughed.
Henry, so Skyy called him, left me alone and went back to the bar. I was so grateful to Skyy. He just saved me from embarrassing myself and my sisters.
"Um...Thank you."
"No problem. Are you a cop too?"
"No my sisters dragged me to this function."
"How are you?" He asked.
Skyy was a nice guy, not like Henry.
"I could be better," I informed him. "I don't want to be here," I added.
As much as I tried to hold my tears back they seemed to pour right out of me.
I was crying because of so many things. I just lost my partner of 5 plus years. On the day of his funeral my sister drag me to a party. I shouldn't be parting, I should be mourning my friends death. And just maybe I'm not okay with being alone but that's just how my hand was dealt. No man wants a woman like me, who could barely stand the touch of another man. The only person who did was Conner. Now, he's gone. What could I possible offer another man, besides frustration? I'm not "wife" or "girlfriend" material. Anyone who's anyone can tell that. But Conner loved me anyway. That hurt the most because I lost the one man who understood me completely and I never got the chance to tell him
I was so into my emotions that I didn't realize Skyy holding my hand and leading me towards the exit. Once I realized Skyy was touching me I pulled my hand away from him and looked around to find myself in the parking lot.
"Why are we out here?" I asked.
"You need some fresh air."