Guess what I've not done this chapter? It begins with p and ends with roof read :D
--
What is that shrill noise? My god, it's awful.
I sighed in irritation, tilting my head a little to realise I was resting on something...warm.
I opened my eyes, blinking in confusion.
Person...
Couch..
My head...
I sat up slightly, jumping a little when the person underneath me suddenly moved with an unwelcome level of energy.
"Come on Sunshine, you're going to be late." Aaron's voice made me sigh and look up at him. He was fiddling with the alarm on his phone.
When did we get here...
I'm so confused.
My head hurts.
I looked around the study room sleepily, and heard a little chuckle.
"You've only been asleep 3 hours, so you're probably tired."
What the fuck, please just kill me.
"But you have school, and you can't miss it." His positive tone made me glare at him, and he chuckled before ruffling my hair. "Have you remembered how to speak yet?"
"I want to die."
He rolled his eyes at me before standing up, dragging me by my arm.
"Come on, this is important, you'll regret it in the future."
"Will I?" I huffed, eventually letting him pull me to my feet.
I still felt groggy as hell, and put my hand to my head.
"Why are we in here...?"
"You fell asleep, and seeing as that is such a hard task I didn't want to wake you."
"So you stayed down here too?"
"I wasn't going to leave you on your own."
The idea of him carrying me while I was asleep made me blush, and I shook my head to get rid of the thought.
"I'm not a baby." I huffed before walking out into the hallway.
"I know that, Riley." He sighed behind me, seeming annoyed.
"Hey!" Alex jumped up to me as I walked into the main hallway and I cringed. "Why weren't you in your room??"
"Uh... couldn't sleep." I sighed, the world was buzzing slightly.
How am I supposed to survive going to school...
I was expecting Alex to shout hyperactively again, but I looked up to see him just staring behind me.
He looked back at me, the cogs in his mind turning.
"Ok..." He suddenly said, then spun around and left, leaving me dazed.
I looked behind me with a sigh, it was just Aaron standing there on his phone...
Oh.
Ugh.
"I'm going to bed." I huffed, trying to go up the stairs.
"Ah ah, no you're not." Aaron gripped my arm and I gave him a look.
"If I die from exhaustion I'm making sure the police know it was your fault."
-
"Are you sure you're not going to eat anything?" Luca's voice harassed me as I stared down at the table.
Day ja vu, why does he always ask that in the morning.
"I don't eat in the morning." I replied, just as I did every time, and he sighed, just as he did every time.
I smiled slightly, for some reason it was reassuring that some things were staying the same, even after what had happened.
All that was missing was Alex trying to force sweets down my throat.
I looked at Alex curiously, to see he was just nibbling on a bar while staring at the kitchen counter. He didn't seem happy at all.
Great.
"The fuck are you just standing there for?" Nate's irritated voice made Alex look at him. Seems they haven't resolved their fight yet.
He looked like he was going to make an angry retort back, as usual, but then he just sighed and did nothing.
"What did I tell you two about arguing?" Aaron tssked, and they both glared at him.
"It's none of your business." Alex finally spoke angrily, and I sighed.
"Why are they always fighting." Hunter complained from next to me.
"Don't ask me..."
"Well out of everyone you're probably-"
"Hunter." Luca warned, giving him a warning look.
"Oh my god, just leave us alone!" Alex's shout made everyone look over at him. "Is it even possible for you to mind your own business?"
"Alex..." Aaron sighed while Nate just blinked at him, probably not expecting the focus of the argument to shift so much.
Alex looked over to me for a moment, before sighing and storming out of the kitchen.
...What have I done now.
"Um." Nate clicked his tongue, before turning around and walking out too.
"I think I'm going to start eating breakfast at school from now on." Hunter said as he stood up, placing his bowl in the sink and leaving too.
Aaron sighed, running his hand through his hair, and I bit my lip.
I glanced to Luca and he just shook his head.
"Stuff like this happens all the time, it'll sort itself out." He said. "And also, you're the last person that should get involved, don't mean to be blunt."
"...Right."
I sighed at the table, feeling guilty.
Everyone's relationship with eachother is becoming sour. Maybe something similar has happened before in their family, but I know that I'm certainly a strong contributing factor.
And it's not like I'm a problem they can solve. Maybe I should just solve myself...
It would hurt for a while, but maybe I should just get myself out of the picture...
I'd never have the courage to do that.
I already spend most of my day hiding in my room, there's nothing I else I can do.
This is so frustrating.
-
School was living hell today. I was so tired. Of course this time I didn't feel comfortable enough to get drowsy, so I just stayed awake with a fuzzy brain and splitting headache.
Last time I was tired like this at school Luca ended up taking me home, but that's impossible today. Especially because I'd rather die than be such an inconvenience.
Alex's mood morphed dramatically during the day. He turned from grumpily ignoring me in the morning, to being almost unbearably cheerful in the afternoon.
He wouldn't be silent for more than a few seconds, and also wouldn't leave me alone. It was really confusing.
Every time he spoke to me he'd lean on me, and then moved in close if he ever asked a question, right next to my ear.
I'm scared.
Nate was seriously ticked off at him, over something, I was unsure if it was the same thing, or they'd had another argument when I wasn't around.
This time, Alex just ignoring his presence made him even more irritated.
I was tempted to just go hide in the toilets so I wasn't working as some kind of catalyst.
-
When I got home it was harder than usual to sneak up the stairs and avoid people at the same time.
Eventually, I just settled outside, and Anatara came to say hi.
She settled on a branch just above and started preening her feathers. I smiled at how comfortable she seemed with me.
It was getting dark when I heard a car door slam behind me. I didn't really pay it any mind, it was probably just someone coming in from work.
That is, until a pair of hands grabbed my shoulders and I practically squeaked while jumping up.
Anatara flew off in a panic as the person gave a deep amused laugh.
"I hate you." I sighed as I glared at Chester, and he shrugged.
"Worth it. You've been banished from the house haven't you?"
"Well, self banishment."
"Wellll, you don't have to avoid me." He smiled and I rolled my eyes.
"You say that every time, doesn't change the fact you're gone for most of the day."
"Aww, do you miss me?"
"I miss civilized company."
"Hmm aren't your tastes aged beyond your years."
"You're only a few years older than me. And I mean you're not wound up all the time."
"Still fighting are they?" He sighed as he wrapped an arm round my shoulder dramatically. "You do know that's your fault right?"
"Yes, obviously." I tssked and failed at trying to shove him off.
"How about you join me for a relaxing shower?" He smiled at me as he followed me back towards the house.
"Yeah that's a great idea."
"... Really?"
"..." I blinked at him. "...That was obviously sarcasm."
He tssked at me. "So sour! Why can't you be positive like me?"
"You're not usually positive."
"Well I have two days off starting now, so I'm feeling great."
"Good for you."
"I can make you feel good too if you want?"
"You're out of control. Don't be so loud." I huffed while looking around anxiously and he started laughing.
"I'm only kidding, don't worry." He smiled as we reached the door. "But I mean, the offers always open."
"Uh huh, I'll keep that in mind." I grumbled with a small smile as I pushed the door open.
"Riley!" Alex jumped on me immediately and I blinked at him in shock.
"Woah easy there squirt." Chester ruffled his hair making him glare at him.
"Where were you hiding?" He asked me, then paused and gave Chester a suspicious glare.
"I was with Anatara." I explained quickly while Chester gave him a suggestive teasing look.
"Oh! Okay, well I'm with you tonight, no arguments this time." He smiled at me and I blinked in confusion.
"Oh, you mean sleeping? Okay..." I bit my lip. "As long as it doesn't cause any trouble."
"It won't, Aaron talked to Nathan about it, he'll get over it."
"Aw a sleepover, can I come?" Chester teased while taking his shoes off and I rolled my eyes.
"I'm going to do homework." I huffed as Alex glared at him and quickly made my way up the stairs.
I collapsed on my bed with a sigh, then stared out of the darkening window.
I sighed again before turning over and curling up, trying to ignore my anxiety.
A noise from outside made me jump and shoot up.
I rolled my eyes at myself after a few moments before picking up my laptop.
I am so tired, but not sleepy at all.
I hate night time.
I tried to work on some English homework for a while, but due to my fatigued state it ended up being a pile of shit.
Eventually I started to close my eyes, feeling a bit groggy.
"Riley!!" A large weight landed on the bed making dart up in alarm.
Alex laughed at me as I blinked at him, and I flattened my expression.
"Not funny."
"Slacking off are we? Tut tut."
"You have no idea." I grumbled, turning over and sighing against the pillow.
"Uh, okay, as in, I have no idea how much you're slacking off? Damn."
"No." I sighed again.
Talking is too much effort.
"Um. Okay, you sound like you need to go to bed." He shuffled around. "I'll just like...be over here." He said, and I heard a DS start up.
I eventually looked over my shoulder to see him at the very edge of the bed facing away from me.
I sighed heavily as I sat up, before getting ready for bed.
I felt a little subconscious as I got undressed, and Alex cursed at his game.
"You're a little too into that." I chuckled as he glared at it and then sat down on the bed.
"It's good to get invested in things! You should try it out some time."
"What? I'm invested in... stuff."
"Really? Name one hobby you have, maybe even a TV show you're into. Or a book?"
"Uh....like a... fandom or something?"
"Wow, that just answers the question by itself doesn't it."
"I just don't fixate on things like that."
"No you just lack passion! Maybe you'd be less stressed out if you had something you enjoyed doing."
"Uh huh."
Hah, I do have a few things I enjoy doing...
"I'm going to bed." I grumbled while getting under the covers and turning away from him
"Maybe you should take up art." He mumbled while shuffling against the backboard and I made a noise of indifference.
He didn't say anything after that, but I still felt a little anxious, and it took me a long time to get to sleep.
I kept on waking up, noticing the blue light of his screen still on before falling back to sleep.
Eventually so much time passed that way that I became concerned and sat up.
"Why are you still on that?" I asked quietly and he shrugged at me as he dramatically tapped away.
"Wouldn't be able to sleep." He answered bluntly and I frowned.
"Why?"
He looked up at me seriously, then back to his game.
"You make me nervous." He eventually replied, not looking away from the screen.
"Really?" I raised a brow, thinking about the way he'd been acting today, and well, all the time. "You don't seem to be nervous."
How do I make him nervous? Am I scary? It's not like I've ever been angry or violent...
Hm.
He stared at me, eventually narrowing his eyes. "You're kidding, right?"
"Huh?"
"You're pretending not to know why."
I opened my mouth in confusion before pausing.
Oh, we're talking about that.
"Oh, haha. Well, maybe you should go to your own room so you can sleep. You know, sleep is important, and stuff..." I backed away awkwardly. "Goodnight." I mumbled while turning over and heard him snort.
"...Are you serious?" He eventually huffed, and I could practically feel the waves of frustration radiating off of him.
I chewed on my lip without turning round and he huffed before standing up.
He made it halfway out of the room, before seemingly turning round.
I looked up, wondering what he was doing, but he just lay down on the bed and faced away from me silently.
...okay.
There were several minutes of tense silence, and I really began to think he was just planning on going to sleep.
"...What exactly is it about me that you don't like?" He eventually asked quietly, and I frowned.
"Huh? What do you mean? I like you."
"Not enough, not as much as others."
"Alex..." I sighed, sitting up in the bed. He didn't move, staring at the cupboard grumpily.
"I know I made a mistake when I shut you out. I was scared, and I didn't know what to do. Besides, everyone makes mistakes, you can't hold a grudge forever over it."
"What? I'm not holding a grudge, I thought we already established that."
"Of course you are. How could you not, after all the things I did after that as well."
"I'm really not."
"A human can't possibly not hold a grudge after all that. At least subconsciously."
"So you're angry at me for my subconscious feelings?" I rolled my eyes at him.
"I'm not angry at you. I'm angry at myself..."
"Alex..." I sighed down at him. "I like you just as much as everyone else." I tried to reassure him but he just turned his head and gave me a look.
"Gee, thanks..." He huffed. "Besides, that's a lie."
"Seriously?"
"Yes, you obviously enjoy Chester's company more than mine, and Luca's, and Aaron's!"
"Ugh... Alex, please." I sighed at him and he sat up.
"See, you didn't deny it!"
"You can't just compare yourself to everyone, I interact with everyone differently because we have different relationships and personalities. Just because I've been around then more recently doesn't mean I like them more, it just means it been more convenient."
"So you're avoiding me because it's convenient? Doesn't exactly sound like what someone who likes me would do."
"Ugh, Alex you're being impossible."
This is getting on my nerves, especially because this problem was caused by my feelings for him in the first place. How the hell can he accuse me of not liking him after all we've been through?
"Me? You're the one making it impossible to talk to you!"
"I'm just trying to avoid situations like this."
"That's so selfish!"
"What?? Ugh whatever, if you won't leave then I will." I sighed before standing up.
"Wait don't!" He grabbed my arm harshly and I glared at him.
"You're being so immature!"
"You're being unreasonable!"
"I'm what??" I glared at him in irritation before shoving his hand away. I growled when he grabbed me immediately again before pushing him down and pinning his shoulders on the bed.
"Don't push me around!" I snapped and he blinked up at me in shock.
"Um, technically, you're the one who just pushed me around." He said and I stared at him incredulously.
"What the hell...ugh, you're impossible." I sighed in exasperation and facepalmed.
He stayed still underneath me and I removed my hand to glare at him.
"Do I need to remind you that I got do hung up over the situation in the first place because I had feelings for you? How could you possibly say that you think I don't like you enough? What more do you want!"
"...I... well I didn't think you really meant it."
"Are you kidding me?" I exhaled sharply. "You complain about me being purposefully oblivious and then do the exact same thing!"
He blinked at me.
"Wait, so, you're actually...like, attracted to me?"
"Do you seriously need to ask that." I lowered my head to glare at him aggressively and he just stared, looking taken aback.
"Uh...I..." He made a face and chuckled awkwardly.
"You? You're an idiot?"
"Uh, that too, I'm sorry."
I gave him a flat look.
"It doesn't mean anything anyway, what's done is done." I started to move off of him but he grabbed my hand and pinned it against his shoulder.
"What do you mean..." He frowned, looking upset.
"There was a time that I would have gladly returned your feelings, but that's in the past now."
"Are you saying you no longer like me? That quickly?"
"No, of course, I can't get rid of those feelings so easily, I just have so many other things going on now."
"Right, as I said, you like others more." He glared and I sighed at him.
"Alex, it's not like that."
"Oh really?"
"Look, I don't know how I feel anymore, there's too much going on, it's no longer that simple." I tried to pull away again but he gripped tighter.
"It's perfectly simple."
"It's not!"
"I'll show you."
He sat up, moving his head towards mine. There were a few seconds where I blinked at him, fully aware of what he was about to do. But, I didn't stop him, in fact I may have moved in a little closer.
He gently pressed his lips against mine, before bringing his hand to the side of my face and kissing deeper.
I closed my eyes, leaning down even more and sucking on his bottom lip.
He trailed his tongue along my top lip and I pushed him down onto the bed, reaching my tongue into his mouth.
He started running his hand up my chest when I suddenly broke away and pinned him against the bed.
He blinked at me in surprise as I panted with wide eyes.
"We can't."
"What?"
"I...I can't do this. That."
He frowned at me, and I felt a wave of guilt.
"Maybe it is for you, but it's not simple for me. I can't do this to you, you deserve better. And I can't do this to myself either, this situation is bad enough already."
He scoffed at me before slapping my hands away and sitting up.
I backed away from him as he glared at me.
"This situation? Is that all I am to you? And obstacle? A situation you need to get through?"
"What? You're misunderstanding."
"No, I understand perfectly." He spat, before getting off of the bed and storming out of the room. He looked seriously hurt and embarrassed, and I my gut lurched with a feeling of shame.
I can't believe I did that...
I've never stopped myself before...
I just didn't want him to get hurt, but I guess it's far too late for that.
"Fucking hell." I exclaimed, tugging at my hair with my hands as I felt a sickening wave of dread fill me.
I sighed, before walking over to the balcony.
I looked out into the dark trees for a while as I sat on the ledge.
It was slightly chilly, but I welcomed the unpleasant feeling.
I glared at the floor while chewing on the inside of my lip, tasting the iron of my blood.
I stayed out there for the rest of the night, my anxiety not dying down in the slightest as the sun started to rise.
I feel like literal shit. I just need a full night's sleep...
This feeling of fatigue is getting physically impairing. I feel so lightheaded and nauseous.
The house began to get busy and I eventually sighed and got up to take a shower.
I feel so miserable. Is going to school even worth it. Maybe I should stop wasting my time and drop out, get a job at Walmart.
Honestly, I feel like I'd do anything for a nice sleep.
I kept sighing and huffing to myself as I got dressed.
"You almost sound out of breath with the amount you're sighing." A voice made me jump slightly, and I looked to see Aaron at the doorway.
"Watching me change are we?" I tried to tease, but I was too tired to put any humour in my tone.
To the untrained eye he looked to be his normal self, but I could tell his expression held tension.
Don't tell me...
"Alex came to talk to me this morning." He said, and I felt a chill go down my spine.
Oh shit...
I looked at him blankly, too tired to have an outward reaction.
"What did he say?" I asked after he just watched me with a frown. "I thought he wasn't getting along with you anyway..."
"He wasn't, and that's why it was so concerning. He only openly talks to me about his issues when it's really affecting him." He paused for a moment, obviously trying to watch for my reaction. "He didn't go into too much detail, but enough for me to fill in the blanks."
"Well was he telling the truth?"
"My little brother doesn't tend to lie, Riley." He defended simply, and for some reason it sent a flare of anger through me.
"Okay..." I muttered, staring at the ground.
I feel awful.
"I'd like to hear your side of the story. He doesn't lie but he can be overdramatic."
"Tell me what he said then."
"That would give you a chance to come up with a fake excuse."
"You think I'd lie?" I stared at him sharply and he sighed.
"You lie all the time Sunshine."
"Ouch." I looked away from him with a glare. That is true, though. Ugh.
"I'm too tired for this." I sat down on the bed and put my head in my hands. "Besides, how is it your business, can't he deal with his own problems?"
"I'm not here to deal with his problems, it's your problem too." He walked over and sat next to me, making me glance at him.
"So you're not here to lecture me?"
He raised a brow at me. "When has that ever been my response to anything."
I rolled my eyes at him sourly. His positive attitude was getting on my nerves, probably because I was feeling like such an awful human being.
"You've at least lectured me once or twice."
"Not on someone else's behalf. Only for your own good."
"Okay, great." I mumbled flatly.
"You didn't get much sleep last night did you..."
"Not really, I was kind of distracted by the nauseating feeling of guilt, shame and self-hate."
"So you did reject him last night." He said and I gave a heavy sigh.
"I really don't want to talk about that kind of thing with you. I can't believe he'd tell you that."
"He didn't really mean to." He sighed. "You should really talk about it, and there's no one else."
"I would rather talk to someone else." I murmured, and he looked slightly hurt. "It's embarrassing." I added while chewing on the inside of my lip again.
"So you'd like to see a therapist?" He asked.
"Uh, maybe not... I'd rather not talk about it."
"Unfortunately it's gotten to a point where you can't pretend this problem doesn't exist."
"I couldn't talk to a stranger about it." I eventually concluded as I chewed on my lip, the pain of the cuts making me grimace.
"You're stuck with me, then."
"I don't want you to judge me like that..."
"Who said I would judge you? As I keep on telling you, I would never judge you. I understand how hard this situation is."
"You don't understand." I grumbled, feeling defensive and irritable.
"Okay, you're right, I can't understand everything. But I think you should have a talk with Alex to clear everything up."
"I made myself clear enough, he chose to warp my meaning." I glared at the floor.
"Riley, you can't just leave him feeling like that..."
I tssked. "I tried to explain the situation to him many times, what difference would it make?"
"Don't you owe him that much?"
"The only part of the situation you understand is what he's said, how could you possibly know what I owe him?" I growled, feeling unusually defensive.
"Okay, I'm sorry, maybe you should explain to me what happened then?" He said calmly, and for some reason the fact he wasn't angry at me was making me angry.
"Look, I'm super tired, upset and in pain okay, I really don't want to talk right now." I huffed angrily, wincing as I bit down and chewed the inside of my mouth.
"Why are you in pain?" He asked in concern and I gave him a look.
"I'm on my period." I said sarcastically and he flattened his expression.
"Riley, seriously."
"It's fine." I huffed and then tssked at myself. "I mean, it's nothing. No problem, everythings great."
"And this is what I meant about lying."
I rolled my eyes at him and looked away.
"What are you doing?"
"Huh?"
He suddenly reached forward and grabbed my lip making me push him away in alarm.
"What the hell.."
"Why are you... Riley." He frowned at me, before getting out a tissue. "Put this in your mouth."
"W-pardon??"
"I don't want to force my fingers in there, so just bite it."
"That's a really strange thing to ask me to do."
"Riley, you know why I'm asking."
"Okay okay, I was chewing it a little." I admitted with a grumpy frown.
"So you've started hurting the inside of your mouth, are you trying to hide it from me?"
"What? No I seriously don't think I'm thinking that much into it..."
"Let me see." He reached forward again and grabbed the side of my face making me widen my eyes and blush crimson. "Open your mouth Riley." He demanded and I tried to shake my head.
What the fuckkk.
This is hilarious, what the hell is he doing!
"Stop it, worrying about something stupid like that is Luca's jo-" what the fuck! He literally grabbed my jaw with one hand and stuck his fingers and tissue in my mouth with the other.
I blinked at him in shock when he let me go, then looked at the tissue.
It was covered in blood, making my subconsciously touch my mouth in shock.
I know I was tasting iron, but I didn't realise it was that bad.
"I need to get another bad habit." I chuckled awkwardly, still feeling slightly flustered, and realised he was just staring at it looking pale with horror. "Maybe I should give nail biting a go..." I tried to joke, and he blinked at me.
Wow this is embarrassing.
"Okay well I'm going to school bye..." I trailed off awkwardly as I stood up and he grabbed my arm making me jump.
"We need to see a therapist."
"What? It's just a bad habit."
"You're drawing blood!"
"So? It's just my lip, it's not like I care if it scars."
"You're hurting yourself! How could I let it get this far...it could get infected. How did I not notice it was getting this bad...." He started having a mini freak out and I stood there awkwardly.
"Uh, Aaron..."
"I need to call Luca-"
"No!"
"Riley-"
"Don't, don't tell him anything. I'll stop, I just need to concentrate on it. It's a bad habit, you can get rid of those if you try hard enough."
"I'm signing you up to see a psychologist."
"No way, I can't talk to a stranger."
"Riley, I'm not qualified to deal with this kind of thing!"
Clearly not, he's freaking the hell out.
"Kind of thing? I'm not a patient Aaron, I can look after myself." I sighed. "Well, I try to anyway."
I'm so fucking tired...
"I'm leaving..." I grumbled and he jumped forward. He didn't touch me however and just circled me like I had a forcefield around me or something.
"I'm not going to force you to do anything Riley, but this is really dangerous."
"It's really not, and you should have thought about that five minutes ago when you shoved a tissue in my mouth."
"I'm sorry Sunshine, but you're really worrying me."
To be quite honest, I'm worrying myself.
"I think I'm gonna throw up..." I accidentally mumbled out loud.
"What?!"
I looked at his incredulous face and suddenly began laughing. "You're going to give yourself an aneurysm, and you call Alex over dramatic. You've really lost your calm composure."
"You make me lose my composure." He shook his head at me, obviously unamused.
"Clearly. Maybe you're the one that needs a therapist."
"Riley.." he sighed, seeming upset and I smiled before walking forwards and hugging him. He tensed in confusion at first, then eventually relaxed and put his arms around me.
I buried my head against his neck and closed my eyes, trying to repress my urge to sob.
It was silent for several moments.
I can't believe I'm letting him get so stressed out about me. How can I say I'm trying to protect Alex from harm while putting someone else through so much trouble.
I can't let this continue, I'm obviously affecting his phycological state way too much.
"I'm going to try find a therapist for you to talk to.." he said quietly and I bit my lip before suddenly pushing away from him.
"No, don't you dare." I snapped as he blinked at me in surprise.
"I don't need to talk to anyone, I'll stop biting my lip. Just leave me alone." I grimaced as I turned around and stormed out of my room. I stumbled as I felt a little lightheaded before shaking my head and heading down the stairs.
Holy shit...
What the fuck is happening to me.
---
It seems like Riley's strings are about to snap doesn't it...
And he's not the only one acting a little stressed out