TRIGGER WARNING: Talk Of Suicide
The darkness I was swept into released me from its grip, letting me slowly regain consciousness. A white light flashes before my my left eye then it traveled over to my right one moments after. I knew whatever it was, it was bright and blinding to my vision. My senses switched back on as my body began to power up.
My hearing was the first out of the five senses to return, immediately did I hear a strong woman's voice.
"She's waking up, Mrs. Saint. There's nothing to fear. It was just a panic attack."
I groaned softly as I felt something tug my eyelids open, causing the light to directly hit my pupils. I turned my head slightly, hoping to get away from whatever was touching my skin.
"Mom?" I questioned, my voice scratchy at the lack of salvia coating my mouth.
"Annalise, angel, I'm right here. It's ok," I heard my mother's calming voice, using a soft tone to respond back to me.
I began to open my eyes, no longer feeling anyone stretching or pulling at the skin on my eyelids. Everything was blurry through my squinted eyes, brighter and less detailed than normal. I closed them once again, more tightly than last time in hopes of adjusting my vision that was out of focus.
"Everything is fine physically. I replaced the wrap on her hand with stitches that would stop the bleeding. However, witnessing such a tragic event, I fear it's her mental health we should be cautious about," the woman, who I believe is a doctor, warns my mom.
My vision finally shifts to crystal clear, making me now able to discern my surroundings and those who are presented before me. I noticed a young woman flickering off a cylinder shaped flashlight in her hand, sliding it into her white coat breast pocket. Her brown hair was straight and at shoulder-length, I think she was Asian but I couldn't tell. I could tell for sure that underneath her white coat were dark blue scrubs.
I'm in.. a hospital? What happened?
"Hello, I'm Dr. Chen," the young doctor smiles kindly. "Can you tell me how you're feeling?"
I immediately shot up from the hospital bed I was resting on, looking down at myself to see I still had my regular clothes on. I couldn't have been here for long. I took a deep breath, feeling utterly confused and so very drained of energy. I brought my sight to my hand, finding stitches closing a wound that had left my skin sliced apart.
My hand, right, it got cut when the punch bowl at school broke and the glass sliced me. I could remember that much. Apparently my confusion leaked out of me and onto my face, conveying to the doctor that I had no idea how I ended up here.
She cautiously fills me in. "You seem confused, Annalise. You're here because you had a panic attack and fainted. Do you remember having the panic attack? Do you remember what happened?"
Panic... attack? I had a panic attack?
I shook my head, my eyebrows crunching at her words. Maybe she's mistaken, possibly mixing me up with a different patient. I've never had a panic attack in my entire life.
"You don't remember that you were trembling and having shortness of breath? Perhaps feeling a tightness in your throat or chest? Symptoms include getting chills, a pounding heart that can make an individual feel like they're having a heart attack, possibly a sense of impending doom. You can even start to dissociate, as if you're detached from reality, or just feel completely dizzy. Did you feel something like that?" Dr. Chen queries me, listing multiple things out.
I never...
Then suddenly I felt like realization took the form of a bat and swung at my head, reminding me of what occurred hours ago. I did feel like that. I felt detached, like I was in a void of blackness and away from earth, like I couldn't breath, or stop myself from shaking as chills ran up and down my back– I had a panic attack. A real panic attack... and now that I think about it, I'm sure it wasn't the first one to happen.
I started to nod my head up and down, she was right.
"Good, good," the doctor supportively says, pausing for a couple of beats. "I know that this isn't going to be easy for you to discuss, but the police are waiting outside to ask you some questions. They're going to come in now. It'll be brief," she informs me, turning her head to the clear glass outside where two officers sat on chairs, awaiting for the signal to enter.
She waves in the direction of the two female cops, catching their attention and immediately bringing the officers to their feet. They began to walk towards my door, leaving my anxiety to flare up in an instant. A loud inhale cracked the silence that followed after the doctor's words.
Why are the police going to question me? Why? Why? Why? Did I do something bad?
Before I could scare myself by stirring up bizarre scenarios of what I could've done, a warm hand lays on top of my own, providing me soothing comfort. My bed dips, leaving me to look up and find my mother's concerned face gazing deeply at me.
Her hand squeezes mine, reassuring me before she let her tipped down lips open. "Actually they just want to know her name for right now, then they'll leave after. You don't have to answer anymore questions until you're ready, they won't ask you what happened before she jumped."
And as if time could be controlled by a remote, the button able to slow down time was pressed, hard and repeatedly. My mother's words then replayed in my mind as I watched her lips smack together and come apart.
They won't ask you what happened... before.. she.. jumped.
Hayley! Hayley Prescott! She jumped off the bridge. I saw her jump.
They won't ask you–
***
"What happened?" A deep voice floats from the closet doorway. "Why did you just leave, man?"
And there, taking up all the space of the doorframe, completely blocking off the exit with his body, stood yet another member to a gang, specifically of the Mortes. His usual blond hair that was always kept into a small bun was now let down, his wavy strands reaching below to his broad shoulders. Alessandro's light brown eyes connected with my brother's, not aware of my presence.
"Ahem," the clone of my brother coughed, clearing his throat. "I'm busy," Asher's words followed immediately after, in a monotone voice that was deprived of emotions now.
"Are you good? You know you have another fi..." Alessandro begins to say, trailing off as his eyes fall upon my face. "Holy shit. I'll come back in a few then. Also, just so know, it's five past nine."
He took a deep breath in, sending me a tight-lipped smile in acknowledgment to my being before slipping out, shutting the door soundlessly. All of the music from behind the wooden door went mute, left to be heard by everyone beyond this closet. Silence suffused this small space in mere seconds, only making the tension grow in the absence of Asher's voice and my own.
Was Alessandro going to say he had another fight? Another deathmatch? Was he trying to get killed? Is there no reasoning with him? Can he not put aside the safety of others for a second and worry about himself? I guess we're similar in that way. But that's only if he actually means that he's doing this to protect me and our entire family.
"You're right... about a few things," he admits slowly.
The tears in my eyes long subsided as I gazed up at him, still trembling and breathing shallowly with no control over myself to stop it. Both his dull eyes bored into mine as I waited for him to elaborate.
"I knew you wouldn't like the fighting I've been doing here or accept it. I know that my past decisions led me to being in this position and it got you mixed up. I know I'm a hypocrite, but I am better than those gang members in the Mortes and the Imperishables, make no mistake about it. I may... distribute drugs and set up fights but at least I know when to stop before it gets too far, if anyone else were in my shoes they wouldn't give a fuck. They wouldn't care if they were about to give more drugs to a junky on the brink of a overdose. They wouldn't care if somebody was going to stab someone in the ring to death, clearly as you can tell by the chanting of earlier. They wouldn't keep an eye out to make sure nobody was doing shit they shouldn't be doing-"
"Looks like you wouldn't care either because you were more than ready to stab Sawyer to death," I countered, displeased by his excuses to prove himself better.
"Not everything is black and white, Anna. You don't know what Sawyer is capable of and what he's already done. And yeah..." he trails off, pausing to take in a heavy breath. "I may have killed someone before, but that doesn't necessarily make me a fucking monster ready to attack anybody in sight! You don't know the full story. I wouldn't hurt someone unless I had to," he defends himself, his voice escalating to how it was before.
My heart speed spiked up at him screaming at me, making my nerves skyrocket more out of control than it ever did before. I couldn't help but shake like I was outside in a icy cold snow storm.
"Well everything seems pretty clear to me. You killed someone, bad. You lied to me, bad. You sell drugs, bad. In a gang, bad. All bad! Stop trying to justify your actions, Ash! Just because you think you happen to be more considerate it doesn't make you better. And even if you are better, it doesn't make you not in the wrong and you can't argue with that," I refuted, shoving my fingers through my hair and tugging at the strands.
"Look, I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm not saying you're completely wrong. I'm just saying that the things I've done could've been worse. I could've done this deal just so I could beat or murder anybody I want and be protected by two gangs, therefore untouchable. I could've done this just for the fucking money. I could have done this for the power or free hard core drugs, but I didn't. I'm not doing this shit for those reasons. What you said earlier was true. It was because of my past and the people I hung out with when I was little that lead me here, but my choice to continue down this path was absolutely to protect you..."
"Oh, yeah, it's my fault you're like this," I sarcastically commented in, a bitter taste resting on my tongue.
"That's not what I'm getting at," he sighs dramatically loud, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "When I first started hanging out with Noah and Ricky, their dads' gang was still intact, meaning I got to know about everyone in the Bashers through my then friends. So eventually years passed, leading to the heavy divide of the gang and the members. Since I was of course associated with those people, I got asked who I stood with, Ricky Rodriguez or Noah Esposito. I couldn't answer that. Answering them would mean I had to join one of the gangs of the people I wanted nothing to do with anymore, but the pressure was on and there was no hiding from it..."
"...People were already on edge at that time and when I didn't give anybody a direct answer, they'd automatically assume I was with the other side. That's when my life started to be threatened, that's when people began looking into my past and my background, the people I shared blood with and who I loved, that's when you, mom, father, even fucking Ben was started to be targeted. I had to do something to stop it.... to make sure nobody got hurt, especially people who didn't deserve to be wrapped up in my shit. I made a deal. Keeping it simple, I was a good fucking fighter, I had lots of people placing bets on me, and I knew this place like the back of my hand. I became the person to manage this place, the original woman to do so was getting too old, so I took her place in exchange for protection for me and the family."
I remained in place, still uncontrollably shaking like a frightened chihuahua, all the while processing his words.
"I didn't make this deal because I wanted to, I had to. Alright? I'm not doing this shit because I woke up one day with a dream of committing crimes. The only thing I remotely like about my situation is that I can still fight, the one thing I can actually enjoy," he confesses, his deep voice low and restrained from rising into a scream as he got his point across.
I tore my watery eyes away from his, setting my sight on his cut eyebrow that still had blackish red blood leaking down his forehead, smearing against his temple and running down his cheek to his busted lips. That particular injury left his skin to split down the middle and become a swollen red, dried blood left a streak down his chin. Descending my eyes even lower, I found his once clean hands now red as if he soaked his hands in a bucket of blood, then smearing the remaining fluid onto his stomach and his chest, making the metallic tasting substance pop out even more.
It most definitely looked like he was bathing in blood, there was more of that on his skin than anything else and it revolted me.
"I'm not sorry for protecting you and I'm not sorry for lying either. I did what I had to do. It was never my intention to hurt you by keeping this a secret."
"Had to? Asher you didn't have to do any of this. You could have came to me, mom or father and we could've figured something out. You should've asked your family for help, you know mom would have done anything and everything to keep you protected. But I get it, maybe you felt like you needed to, maybe you felt like you had no other options. I can understand that, but you're still doing awful things and you lied to me. I deserve an apology, Ash. You can't just make an exception for yourself. Just because you meant no harm doesn't mean no harm was inflicted," I voiced candidly and without restraint, because apparently that was the only way to be taken seriously.
Being patient, considerate, and not such a pushy individual led me nowhere with Asher or with anyone for that matter. Maybe it was time to change the way I communicated with people.
"I'm not apologizing," he bluntly stated, his eyes narrowing and his tone unsympathetic. "Again, I lied to protect you and I'm not sorry for trying to keep you safe. I'm not perfect, hell, I'm far from it. I know our last name is Saint, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm not a saint, don't expect me to be like you because we're twins," he snaps, getting injected with a needle full of defensiveness that must've stripped away his common sense.
Oh, so asking for the truth and wanting an apology is too much? I should just proudly pat myself on the back for being the reason behind his actions, all so he could protect me. But how good was he at that considering I'm at the one place he didn't want me to be, learning the one thing he didn't want me to know. For Heaven's sake, I was led here by Ricky Rodriguez. Weeks earlier, I was brought to a club by Noah that had shots being fired left and right... how is that keeping me safe by lying to me about the deal he made? And overall, how is this deal truly protecting me when all that was happening so far was me getting hurt and involved.
Gosh, what did I expect from him? This isn't my brother. This is an imposter with the face of Asher, one who has a entirely new personality differing from my twin's.
He's a lying, drug dealing, murdering underground fighter. I can't trust him. He lied too many times and he kept such a big part of who he is away from me. I'm horrified. I'm baffled. I can't believe the transformation that just played before my eyes.
I must've looked at my brother more times than I can recount, but all I was truly doing was looking and not seeing, and, yes, those two things are very different. It's like when your staring outside the window of a moving vehicle and your thoughts consume you, transporting you into a different realm, however, all you've been doing is staring at the moving trees or houses that past you by, but if someone asked you to give a description about all the things you set your eyes on, you wouldn't be able to. You looked, but you didn't see what was there. You didn't see what was staring back at you.
I never saw Asher.
And maybe... I haven't gotten the chance to truly see other people as well. But at the end of the day, you can only see what people want you to.
Using a tediously slow pace to shake my head, I made sure to transmit as much disappointment into my voice as I did into my actions. "It hurts to see what you've become. But it hurts even more that I can't trust the one person I thought I always could. I don't even know why I expected an apology from you... guess you were right, I am naive after all. I'll make sure to work on that, Ash."
Me and him locked eyes and maintained contact until it wasn't humanly possible, until one of us had to blink in the other's face. Even then, both our sharp eyes remained gazing hard at one another, as if the first one to glance away would be the person who loses this dispute. Without difficulty, I could detect the twitch of his left eye that all but screamed he was maddened and indignant, however, he seemed somewhat aware that his feelings were misplaced. It wasn't like I was the evil twin living a double life and hadn't told him about it until I was exposed, that was all Ash.
He has no right to trespass onto the land of indignant souls, it wasn't like I was refusing to apologize for hurting and lying to him.
He made a loud intake of air through his nostrils before he harshly let the oxygen back out, conveying to me just how much he was exasperated by our unforeseen conversation. As I attentively eyed him, examining his slightest movements and the details of his contorted face, I came to the realization that his anger weighed more heavily upon himself than it did me. Maybe he knew I had a good point and resented me entirely for it, because for once, I wasn't as wrong and far off from the trail as he'd like me to be.
Hiding this secret didn't really protect me, it protected him and the image I had of my dear big brother.
And without a moment's notice, the door to this shabby, improperly lit closet flew open again, introducing me with yet another familiar face, without a familiar name. Messy blond hair rested upon the person's scalp, having beady light green eyes and a slim long nose that also described his frame, slim and long. Noah's nameless friend was indeed a tall fellow, and not just tall for being a boy. An impish grin fell upon his amused face while he set his forearm along the doorframe, leaning his body towards us.
"Ah, so it's true. Wittle Miss Saint finally meets big bad Saint," he mockingly breaks the ice, using a babyish voice to poke fun.
You know, there's just something off completely about him. I'm done ignoring my gut feeling.
"The fuck you want, Wilson?" Ash sneers in reply, ridden with vexation at his arrival.
Wilson... that name oddly pulled at me, like I should recognize it but I didn't know anyone with that first name.
The guy seems unfazed by Ash's sour attitude that would've had any normal person cautiously backing away, as if a bear stood before them and the only thing they could do was retract their steps slowly and hope to be forgotten about, praying it would result in the avoidance of danger. However, the guy... wait, Wilson, broadened his grin and morphed it into a taunting smile.
"This closet sure does bring back memories, doesn't it? Me, the loving and warm memory of the first time I was ganged up on and then punched. You, the first time your balls dropped.. oh, yeah, happened the same day. You're welcome," Wilson gloats, his white teeth flashing.
Whatever has been holding Ash back from fully being released onto me was gone. He became like a snarling vicious pit bull who broke free of the restraints that kept him locked to a post, pouncing at the first chance to attack, and he didn't hesitate once to retaliate in a physical manner.
"Annoying piece of shit!" Ash growled out, attempting to grab Wilson's by the collar of his shirt, but before any contact could occur, he swiftly stepped back into the hall, Ash on his toes.
"An untouchable piece of shit," the guy declares with glee, vanishing from my sight with the clone of my twin.
I hesitated to follow, wondering what would be the best option for me right now. Stay here, by myself, where any random person could come, or follow the two guys that seem seconds away from having a fistfight? None of my options were looking good.
"Annalise, miele, you're more than welcome to tag along," Wilson's voice echoed, bouncing off the walls of the long and gloomy, brownish hall that had its wallpaper peeling.
I wanted to take a breather, to set my still ragged breathing at a steady pace and prevent myself from shaking, but it felt impossible. I placed my sweaty, trembling hands in front of my face, watching as they shook every which way it pleased. I sighed, folding my hands together as I walked out the room and made my shoes touch the floor of the hall, leading myself in the direction of the voices.
"Ask and you shall receive," that devilish voice of Wilson's met my ears, emitting from the room on my left.
"What the fuck are you-" Ash began to interrogate the guy, only for another deep voice of a man to interject.
"Glad to see you can finally join us," Noah spoke, his calm tone surprisingly comforting me.
Despite being a gang leader, he was actually nice to me, more than anyone else.
"Join you? Since when was I suppose to join you?" Ash asks, containing his irritation that was mixed with a hint of confusion.
"Oops, must've forgot to tell you that you were needed here," Wilson chuckles sardonically, but his humor dissipated along with his amusement from before.
I halted right before the entrance to walk into the room, not yet prepared for what was to come.
"You have a special talent of pissing people off," Asher grunts, his annoyance and anger simmering immensely as he grew distant. "Why am I here?"
"I heard that apparently you were distracted by your sister and not able to fight, but I see now that was a lie. Wasn't it, Ricky?" Noah's voice darkened as his tone became more on the offensive side.
Wait, he was there in the room, too? Who else then? And was Ricky doing Ash a nice thing by saying he wouldn't be able to fight? Ash was already banged up enough.
"I'd say you have an issue with claiming he's lying when he's not," a tough voice follows immediately after Noah's words, displeasure prominent.
That was... Timothy's voice.
"Don't be provoked, Timothy," a monotone voice stated, deadly emotionless.
Ok. That was Jose.
"Hey, let's all just calm down. I don't feel like seeing anyone die today and I'm certain I'm not the only one," Alessandro neutrally announces, appearing to be some kind of peacemaker to lessen the rising tension.
Alright, so in the room was Ash, Ricky, Noah... Jose, Timothy, Alessandro, and Wilson. That's seven people packing up a room. They'll be eight if I join. And suddenly, the thought of walking into that room makes me claustrophobic, almost out of breath.
"Cat got your tongue, Ricky? Hmm? You're uncharacteristically silent, are you plotting something in that twisted mind of yours? Are you plotting to commit another rap-" Noah foully spewed, intent on getting a rise out of his enemy as his enemy did to him with his mere presence.
Interposing in, Ricky swiftly shattered his quiet streak. "You know what I'm thinking?" He retorts chillingly, no traces of loathing or madness like his rival, just frostbiting coldness like he really didn't give a crap. "I'm thinking how if our fathers didn't decide to make this neutral territory for the both of us to split together, I would've shoved my pistol to the side of your head, pulled the trigger and made it appear like you took the easy way out. Shit, same if the school grounds weren't neutral, too."
Noah practically growled like a wolf at Ricky's statement.
"And as for lying? Well, how about you shut your fucking mouth for a long second, the most you can go without shit tumbling out, and listen to what you hear," Ricky simply demands, his order reluctantly and hesitatingly being followed.
Pure and absolute silence washed over the room. It was deafening, if you would've dropped a tiny pin everyone would've heard it. It was just so damn eerily quiet as I waited for a deep voice, anyone's voice, to break the soundless atmosphere that I didn't realize it. I didn't realize that it was me destroying and disturbing the peaceful silence by my heavy, but shallow breathing.
"Oh, this is grand. The holy Saint doesn't know how to hide," and with that, Wilson came out the room, grabbed my wrist, tugged me with him and managed to get me inside the place I didn't wish to be in.
I stumbled next to Ash who was by the door, looking not as burdened or under pressure until he saw me.
"You should've stayed in the closet," he hisses lowly, of course not glad I was now diving head first into his gang life.
I kept my mouth sealed, feeling too out of breath to even utter a word. My head was spinning and I felt uneasy as I walked to him, latching onto his arm for support. Gosh, these walls began to look like they were closing in on us with each second, but that can't be possible? This can't be possible!
"Ah, so you did bring Saint's sister here, but she's just a ploy. You honestly think I'm foolish enough to believe that you came here just to bring some girl you barely know and don't even like here? You can't deceive me, I see past you!" Noah declares, like Ricky was transparent, making his tricks useless.
"Eres paranoico," Ricky dismisses him smoothly, his feet plopped up on the round table opposite from Noah's, holding something that was lit between his thumb and index finger.
Jose and Timothy were standing next to Ricky, but not so close that they appeared like bodyguards. Meanwhile, Noah's slim but built figure was standing tall, tense and stiff with the chair he was sitting in pushed back. Alessandro, who was clearly at the same table as his leader, was seated and keeping an attentive eye out.
Noah scoffs at Ricky's careless reply. "I know. I know when you seized control of my club you did so in order to look over my files and documents, hoping to find where my storage house is. You're here to sniff out any info that can direct you to the place. You just want to know where all the Mortes' drugs are contained and produced. We all know if you want to cripple a gang you go after what gives them control, power, and wealth."
Ricky places what I know isn't a cigarette between his parted lips, inhaling in as he maintains unwavering eye contact with Noah. He releases the smoke trapped in his lungs in a slow blow outwards before replying. That's when the skunk smell hit my nostrils.
"I said I was here to bring Saint's sister. I can't vouch for what these two were doing," he smirks, but this time in a whole new way that differs from being cruel or cold.
It was a mocking smirk but also relaxed and amused, careless even. Maybe it was the drugs that deprived him of his mask and left him evidently, truly not giving a damn if he let himself show what he was feeling. And he was amused, finding humor in Noah's self-torture.
Timothy grins at this side of Ricky, smugly staring back at Noah who didn't look impressed, he seemed to grow more dark, and at that moment I couldn't tell which side of Ricky angered him more.
"You'll never find it," Noah's deadly serious voice claims. "And you'll never take the Mortes down."
Ricky stood up, ditching the blunt that was in his hand as he did so. He ambled towards Noah with a mocking grin slapped onto his lips.
"Time is all I need and time is all I got," he informs him, only inches from his face. "I always win, Noah. You know that. I got no worries... but same can't be said about you," Ricky warns, the coldness reentering his tone.
"Why is that?"
"Because I'm coming after your gang, your territory, your lying cousin. I'm after your fucking livelihood, Noah," He spits out his name. "And turns out, it may not be only me wishing for your downfall," he adds, glancing at me and Ash for a fleeting moment, but that's all it took for Noah's mind to wander.
"Annalise," my name falls from his mouth, the word very foreign to my hearing. "Come here."
I don't think I can remember a time where he actually used my name. Should I be freaking out right now? I think I already was.
"Noah-" Ash starts to say, getting cut off.
"Shut the fuck up I'm not talking to you just yet," he shuts him down, his words venomous and unlike anything I expected.
The walls in this room just closed in a little more and my breathing was one stressful event away from stopping completely. I was far too close to losing my mind, teetering on the edge of insanity as I started to feel extra lightheaded. This has to be a dream, none of this can be true. Walls don't move, Asher is not a evil criminal, Noah is never this sinister, especially to me, and Ricky would never waste his time on me. I was dreaming. I'm dreaming. This is fake. Not true. A made up scenario in my head. It'll end... I just have to see it through to wake up.
Ash clenched his jaw, watching as Noah approached me and pulled me to him, making my hand slip off Ash's arm. I didn't resist in the slightest, after all this is just a dream, it'll be over soon, and I was just too fatigue to even try. His hand curved around the nape of my neck, pushing my face towards his so I can meet the darkness in his eyes that seemed endless, threatening to be unleashed on me as he sent a hard glare my way.
"Why so jumpy?" He questions suspiciously so, swiveling me around so I come in full view of Ricky and everyone else.
The top of his chin plopped onto my head as he used an arm to wrap around my waist with excessive force, squeezing me painfully to him and not at all helping to combat my already shallow breathing. Noah's other free arm was put to use, he let his hand soothingly rub up and down my arm in a false illusion of comfort.
"I swear," he starts out, talking through his teeth, staring in the direction of Ricky until he shifted his sight on Ash. "If you screw me..." he drawls on, skimming his fingers up my arm and settling them on my left shoulder, his other hand running up my body, getting placed on my right shoulder. "...I'll screw you ten times worse."
Alright, so at this point I was sure of two things, Noah didn't know about the resistance I made, and he was acting different. Also, Ricky wasn't snitching me out although he had the chance to do so.
At the ending of his sentence, those large hands of his were aggressively massaging me with too much force, making me grunt in discomfort and slight pain. I tried to wiggle from his grasp, but he held onto me with more pressure, deterring me to make the attempt again. In fact, Noah's hands rose up higher, enclosing around my neck with an unpleasant hold that literally made me unable to breath. It's not like he was squeezing to suffocate me, but he wasn't holding onto me like I was delicate either.
"Noah," I whined, my voice a mere breath of protest.
With my eyes pressed close in obvious displeasure, I heard him announce one more thing. "Is that clear?"
"Yes. Very. Just let go of her. It's not like I could actually fuck you over if I tried!" Ash urgently replies back, his voice sounding so very far.. like he was out of reach.
I tried to open my eyes again, but it was like they were getting weigh down by a truck.. and then suddenly my whole entire body felt like a thousand pounds. It was as if my wrists and ankles were held down by giant anchors, preventing me from having control as it dragged me down into darkness, to a place of unconsciousness. As for my erratic heart? It seemed to gradually beat less and less than before, thumping so slowly as my body finally exerted itself to the limit, now paying the repercussions by powering off.
"You run this entire establishment, you know all the lower level gangs, you have access to some of the drugs I distribute here as well. You could easily attempt to band up all the spreco di spazio in this club and try to... I don't know, make a horrid mistake of trying to take me out. You could try and dismantle my way of life by withholding drugs from these fucking junkies and cost me serious bucks in my pocket. Shit, you could be partnering up with the rapist staring holes into me for all I fucking know. So I'm just giving you a warm warning, if you are, prepare to suffer the deathly consequences," Noah's drifting voice threatens, grasping my falling face in his one hand and lifting it up as he talked.
What a surprise, turns out he isn't what I thought he was, too.
I'm such a fool, aren't I? I say to myself, mustering up one last thought before I was unable to.
"I understand, Noah. I can assure you that all these years of getting punched in the head didn't make me grow stupid. She's fainting, come on," Ash's voice grew serious, desperate, deprived of any disrespectful anger.
"Haven't you heard? Innocent until proven guilty, not guilty until proven innocent. If it were the other way around, I'm sure the police would have glued our asses to cells long ago," Ricky's calm voice filled the room, surprising me on how collected he was after Noah's constant attacks against him.
I couldn't tell what he did or said next, but I remember myself falling and being caught by most likely Ash. Words that sounded like static bounced across my mind and made me unable to comprehend it. There was only one voice I could pick up on right before the blackness consumed me.
"... Maybe she wouldn't have sought me out for the truth if you would've told her... I'd say she's doing exceptionally well considering all the secrets she learned. Sheltering a person does no good..."
***
"Hayley Prescott," I told the two female cops.
In a short minute did they write her name down and leave, disappearing as if they weren't ever there. In the distance, just out the door that was cracked open, stood my mom with my doctor. I could spot both individuals through the giant window wall that had curtains not closed all the way.
"People like Annalise who have witnessed a death by suicide are called witness survivors. Understand that a witness to violence is ultimately a victim of violence. Suicide is a form of self-inflicted violence and witnessing a suicide or finding someone after they have died, whether you know the person or not, can be very traumatic to anyone. Annalise because of this can get intense feelings and reactions, which is a normal response to an abnormal event," Doctor Chen educates my mom, but her words leak out through my ears.
"Intense feelings and reactions? Like... what exactly?" My mom asks with hesitation, dread at having to hear the worst.
"It can be numbness, detachment, sudden change in appetite or substance use, possible difficulty sleeping, maybe nightmares.. flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, preoccupation and distraction, depression and or suicidal thoughts. The list goes on so it'll be crucial to watch out for the signs, like confusion, irritability, guilt, hyper-vigilance or anxiety, isolating or compulsive behaviors, avoidance of the area, time can also feel distorted for the person."
Soon their voices got blurred into the background of my mind as I roamed my eyes around the room, white walls faced me and there was a T.v hanging as it played. I couldn't hear what was being said or catch onto what the plot was, everything was just so dream like. None of this could be real, I had to be dreaming.
The thoughts lodged into my mind were interrupted by a loud iPhone ringing. Without turning my head or moving my body, I followed the sound with my eyes, staring at my phone on the chair my mother was sitting in, the word Asher displaying on my screen.
I stared at the picture of Ash's face, the thought of picking up never crossing my mind as I saw the call end, only so he can try me again. Looking away, I connected my eyes up to the ceiling, one thought keeping me occupied.
When will I wake up?
"I can request for a trauma bereavement specialist at a private or community mental health center to take a look at her today... or sometime this week, whichever is the most suitable timing for you two. She's showing detachment. I do believe the sooner the better, the longer it takes the more worse she'll get," Dr. Chen voice reaches my ears before fading again.
The ringing of my phone continues, making me close my eyes for a second, hoping for it to stop by the time I open them again. However, it didn't and when I could finally see again, I wasn't in the hospital room.
***
I shot up from the couch I must've been placed on, scanning the room and recognizing it as the same one from earlier. I was so hoping this was just a dream but it wasn't. Why else would I return back here and not wake up in my room?
The default ringtone on my phone was going off beside my ear before I woke up, now it was filling the room.
... wait a second, Ricky returned my phone back to me? He had it before but now it's in my grasp again.. must have gave it to me when I was out cold due to fainting.
Jeez, wonder who it is. I picked up my phone from the comfortable, dark grey couch, seeing Hayley's curly ponytail self. I glance briefly at the time before pressing the green button to accept, it was 11:59, almost midnight.
"Hello... Hayley," I said, obvious curiosity evident in my tone as I spoke, wondering why she would call me at this time or even at all.
The last time I seen her was earlier today at the gym, when she ran off because of Alice and Hannah's bickering.
A few seconds skipped on by, no answer to my greeting only the sound of someone breathing heavily. In, out, in, out, that's all that broke out from the other end. I frowned at this, darting my eyes around the room to find it empty and deserted, just me and the feeling of panic arising.
"Hayley?" I repeated myself, an unsettling feeling weighing on my chest as anticipation consumed me. "H-Hayley is that you?"
A loud high-pitched cry transmitted over the line and I just froze, gripping my phone tighter, not at all liking the gut feeling like something bad was going to happen... again. God, I just hope I'm epically wrong.
"Hayley, what's–"
"Wrong? Everything, every single fucking thing," her squeaky voice answers shakily.
"I'm sure whatever it is we-we can fix it, Hayley," she interjects before I had the chance to continue, as if she wasn't hearing me at all and just there to confess, to get something off her chest before she couldn't.
"You know," she sniffles, "my life was always sucky and it was especially sucky attending a whole new school for senior year, but then I made friends, it got better... I thought it was better. They invited me to hang out, my first hangout since moving here, I was so excited because they invited me to a club. I've never been to a club so I thought it would be so cool. But then I went and it wasn't as fun anymore, there was drinks, drugs, dancing and I realized I was well out of my element.. they seemed to realize too and suddenly became hard to find..."
"I- um," I was lost for words, not knowing exactly what to say to this.
"I searched almost everywhere to find the people I thought were my friends, but of course had no luck. Oh, no, luck was not an ally of mine because shortly after me feeling like an idiot who got ghosted, gun shots rung out, enough to make everyone start to panic, including me. Human instincts tell you to run and so I did, but how could I leave without the people I came with? Sure they left me but I couldn't leave them in a club with a shooter, could I? In my mind, no. So like the fucking stupid idiot I am, I turned away from the door I was soooo close to leaving. I pushed people out of my way and went back into the deserted club, basically no one was there," she says with regret at her pure actions, drowning resentment threatening to suffocate her as she spoke on.
... one week and six days ago. That was the day I went to Noah's club and Ricky took over. She was there... we both were.. yeah, I remember seeing her. How could I just forget?!
"I searched for those fucking losers, risking my life for the ones who left me in the situation that practically ended mine," she growls out bitterly, implanting fear and concern inside me at her tone.
"Hayley..." I muttered, tears brimming my eyes and blurring my vision. "Why are you telling me this right now?"
She didn't respond to my question. "I don't know how long I looked, but it was long enough for me to decide to call it quits... long enough to tell they weren't looking for me. I started to leave... I was so close, Annalise, so close to leaving," she hiccuped, choking on a sob that cut her off. "But then I collided into someone... some guy I didnt know. He fell on top of me and when he pulled away from me, we stared at each other. He looked pissed off and I got scared, thinking maybe he was the shooter because he was not scared at all. He yanked me up with him like I was a rag doll, making one of my heels fall off at the force... I didn't fight him... I was scared. I didn't want him to kill me... b-but I soon found out he didn't want to hurt-hurt me in that way," her voice broke terribly, like a pencil being split by two hands, creating an unpleasant sound.
"Hayley.. are you telling me..." a single tear escaped my right eye, slowly sliding down the hill of my cheek and leaving a chilly wetness at the contact.
Noah's friend.... he was the one taking me out of the club before we crashed into her which made me drop my phone. I thought... I thought when I went to get it and didn't see him, he just left and so did she. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know!
"He was taking me outside while his hand- the second I knew he was- I screamed. I screamed so loud in hopes of someone hearing and helping me, but no one came for me. N-no one helped me... no one. No one," she started to cry hysterically, reiterating the same thing until it became a low whisper.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god. I put my hand on my stomach, feeling bile threatening to defy gravity and come up. I lowered my phone down just a few inches. I heard her scream.
I. Heard. Her. Scream.
I heard her scream for help when Tate grabbed me and decided to bring me to Ricky. I wanted him to check it out. I knew it was a scream for help, but I didn't fight hard enough for him to do something about it or myself.
And as expected, like any person who unintentionally hurt someone innocent and underserving, the dam built to contain any guilt I might be experiencing split right in the middle. Just like water seeking out a crack to flow through and be released from its containment, this feeling of unease and disappointment at myself gushed out. It was unable to be put to a stop.
This sure did feel a whole lot like my fault... and I grew scared with that thought and how Hayley would react if I told her.
Noah's friend... Wilson. He.... he's the one. He has to be. He's the one Sadie and those girls were talking about.. he's a rapist. But is he the rapist... is it possible that instead of Ricky raping Tamara.. it was him? But Tamara and Wilson are dating... she wouldn't date her... no. No. No. No. No.
No. This.. this is a dream. This isn't real. It can't be real.
But the not so soft crying coming from my phone couldn't be taken as something my mind was dreaming about, this was serious and making me deeply unsettled, afraid even. I was afraid of where this was heading.
I brought the phone back against my ear, speaking the words I dreaded to hear the answer to. "Where are you?"
Within seconds her crying ceased, like she just remembered what she was planning to do. A calming breath drew in from her, I could hear it perfectly before she mumbled the words that made my heart drop.
"The bridge. I'm at the abandon bridge."
No.
***
"No! No! No!" I screamed, staring at the phone that hadn't stop ringing, but this time it wasn't on the chair, it was in my hand.
I can't even recall grabbing it.
"No!" I cried, throwing my phone across the room and gaining the attention of my dream mother and dream doctor.
"Annalise? Honey, what's wrong?" My mom rushes inside the room, coming towards me.
"Why can't I wake up? Mom, I just want to wake up!" I raised my voice even more, denying reality because reality can't be this.
I refuse for it to be this.
"Oh, angel," my mother mutters, her face scrunching up as tears pricked her eyes, her lips tugging down and flattening.
"Annalise, I know what you went through can be very difficult to process and you may be coping for now by believing you're sleeping, but you're not. Please, calm down. I don't want you to hurt yourself or anyone else-" Dr. Chen urgently says, appearing behind my mother.
"You're not real! This isn't real," I screeched, pushing away my mom's hands that will only provide fake comfort.
I closed my eyes and screamed, a long deafening scream that I hope will yank me out of this demented dream realm.
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Saint. We're going to have to sedate her."
VOTE! COMMENT! SHARE! If you liked this chapter!
Tell me if you made it this far. Please and thanks.
Strange liquid fell from my eyes as I was writing the ending of this... WEIRD.
I've been working on this for awhile so I hope you liked it. I know I haven't updated lately so I hope the longness of this chapter makes up for it.
Thoughts?