CHAPTER 18: Panic
“Rose?” I heard a voice, very calm and quiet.
I was still lying flat on the bench in the locker room. I was only wearing spandex shorts with a black tank top, simply what I was wearing under all of my hockey gear. I straightened up to see who was standing at the entrance and I quickly picked myself up when I noticed my coach stepping into the changing room. He looked down at me and I was almost waiting for him to say something. I had no idea what he was still doing here, anyways. Practice ended a while back. “Is there something wrong, sir?”
He took a seat on the bench at a fair distance from me and kept his gaze on the floor for a moment. “I need to speak with you, Rose, about something that I don’t want to bring up around the others. And I would really like for you to hear me out.”
I nodded, a bit scared at what he was about to tell me.
“Do you ever think of your father, Rose?” He asked me.
“Too much, sir.” I said, not wanting to get into the subject but allowed him to continue.
“Your father was a really good man.” He said, finally looking me in the eyes. “He was a lucky man to be able to play hockey… and he knew it.”
“I know how he died. I’m not sure I want to have this conversation.” I said.
“Please, hear me out.” He said, and I nodded. “Your father died where he would’ve wanted to… but he took a risk and from what I’ve seen you do these last few weeks, kind of resembles the way your father was in his last months.”
I got to my feet, unable to believe what I was hearing. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, I need to go.”
“Rose, stop!” He shouted, angrily. He took a deep breath and I paused just before leaving through the exit. “You’re the greatest player I’ve ever seen but I don’t want to see what happened to your father happen to you.”
My jaw clenched, and I was a bit angry, unable to hold back. I turned back around to face him, “I’m not my father!”
He almost smiled, but shook his head. “You know that’s not true.”
I turned around and burst through the door, unable to hold myself back. I wanted to yell in rage. How dare he’d brought up that subject with me? Nobody talks about my parents’ death, and specifically not my father’s death. Just thinking about my father and what happened to him, made me very scared. I didn’t even want to think about it, ever.
I ran towards the gym, picking up a sprint until my lungs were burning. I was finally entering into the gym and I felt like yelling, only able to hold myself back for a few more seconds. I was so angry, yet so terrified at the same time, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling from my eyes. I slammed the door behind me and brushed my hair back, furiously.
I went towards the weights and was ready to throw them against the wall, just wanting to release my anger out, when arms suddenly went around me, preventing me to do so.
“Rose, calm down.” It was Patrick Kane’s voice. He took the weights and dropped them on the ground next to my feet. He kept his grip around my chest and whispered into my ear, softly. “It’s okay, it’s just me, Rose. You’re okay.”
Just the sound of his voice was very calming, yet I still felt like I needed to scream and punch a wall. He could feel the energy arising from my body evidently and didn’t release me. I looked down, realizing that there was still people in the gym, and a few of them turning towards me.
“Come on, I think you need some air.” He said, grabbing my arm and guiding me to the door. I followed without saying a word.
Finally out, we walked in silence for a few seconds. He looked sideways at me, “Are you okay?”
I could barely listen to him, so distracted on what my coach had told me. It was so frustrating, yet I kept my gaze on the wall, trying not to break down. I still felt a few tears fall from my eyes and I knew he could notice them. I didn’t dare speak a word.
I stared ahead and realized we weren’t heading outside. We were going to another section of the gym. A more private part of the gym, where you could only be a few people inside there. Kaner released his hand from my arm, and stopped at the door.
He looked back at me, “Do you want to tell me what happened?”
I looked down, wiping away my tears, and shaking my head. I knew that if I spoke, my voice would break and I would start to cry, without any way to stop. This is a subject I could never bring myself to talk about, no matter how hard I tried to say it.
He nodded, understanding. “That’s okay. Did someone get you mad?”
I nodded, not able to look into his face.
“You know what helps me to get my anger out?” He asked me, and that time I looked into his face.
When we were younger, he showed me what he use to do when he was angry. He would go to the gym, and let out his anger on a punching bag, kicking and punching until he could barely breathe anymore. It was his method.
I looked inside the room, and noticed a punching bag in the corner of the room. I looked over at it and considered it for a second, maybe it could work. Kaner opened the door and let me step in before him. I went towards the punching bag, and examined the device from head to toe. The bag was already on the ground, standing up on a stand.
“You want to try it?” He stared at me curiously. “Give it a try, Rose.”
I looked up at him, still without a word to say. I took a deep breath, while looking down at my hands. As I felt more tears run down my face, I turned back around and punched directly into the bag. Kaner was standing behind the punching bag, making sure it wouldn’t fall over.
I kept punching until I could barely breathe anymore, and yet I kept going. I kicked so hard, Kaner took a step back and I kept hitting the punching bag over and over again, until I really couldn’t anymore.
I knew I could keep going, I just chose to stop because I was getting weak. Life is weakness, anything you get attached to will rip your heart out and leave you in the dark. There’s no way to survive in the world without getting hurt, and for me, it happened continuously.
I turned around and suddenly felt unable to breathe. I felt my chest tighten, and all I could do was take very short breaths. I felt so panicked, like my life was only gonna get worse at this point. I felt as though, I was walking in a dark tunnel, without any light at the end. Nobody could help me anymore.
Kaner put his hand against my shoulder, “Rose, are you okay?”
I felt tears against my face, as I clutched my chest painfully. “I can’t breathe.”
Kaner looked alarm and he was suddenly looking around for help, yet torn because the only people that were around were still a little while away, and it was obvious he didn’t want to leave me. “It’ll be okay, Rose. It’s okay.”
I only felt myself get worse, suddenly feeling very dizzy and light headed. He looked at me with wide eyes, as I continued to breathe uncontrollably. “I’ll go get some help, just breathe. It’ll be okay.”
He immediately left through the door and I felt myself fall onto my knees, and I knew I must be turning white. I looked at my shaky hands and let them rest on the ground, and looked down at the ground. I felt everything around me spinning, like none of it was real. All of it was a fantasy to hide the true terror.
Thoughts couldn’t stop whirling around in my head, and it only became worse. More tears fell from my eyes and I wanted to scream but I couldn’t even breathe. I just wanted it to stop. Although, it was painful, one thing whirled in my head. I was not my father.
“Rose.” Somebody came in the room, and I was still on the ground.
I looked up and saw Nick standing in front of me, looking very scared. I still couldn’t speak.
He put his hand on my shoulder, and looked into my face. “Where does it hurt, Rose? Can you speak to me?”
“Just make it stop.” My head fell in his lap, and I still couldn’t control my breathing.
“Rose, look at me.” He said, still holding on to my arm. I looked up to his face, keeping my hands on his knees. “Breathe through your nose.”
More tears fell down my face, and I looked down. “Why does it hurt so much?”
“Because you’re letting it happen.” Nick spoke softly into my ear. “Just trust me on this.”
I nodded, still trying to breathe through my nose, though there was still something that was not letting me do so. And just not being able to do it, made me panic even more.
Nick noticed, “Rose, look at me.”
I looked up and he was smiling at me, not sure why.
He got closer to my face, “You remember when we both started playing hockey? Both of us together?”
I nodded, unsure where he was going with this but it wasn’t really helpful.
“Remember how all the boys were surprised to see you, and to see you on the ice. They were not expecting you to be that good, but you beat their asses, you remember that?” Nick was smiling widely at me.
I almost smiled.
He grabbed onto my hand, “Back then, Ottawa was our home. When we went out, people always knew who you were. Nobody cared about me obviously, I was like your little psychic on the ice. They loved watching us play together, we were like tag team partners, we could take on anything.”
Suddenly, my breathing calmed down and it was starting to help. I looked up at him and he smiled again.
“People will always love you back there, Rose. Me, again, they probably don’t even remember me and I was there longer than you.” He laughed, and I was able to manage a smile. He rubbed my shoulder.
I looked down, and was finally able to take a deep breath without any fear of choking or dying. I sat down on my butt, and took a second to look back at my brother. He knew all along what was happening to me.
“See,” He smiled. “You’re just fine.”
I took in a deep breath, although I knew I was still shaking. Nick got back up, and offered me help to get back up as well. I smiled, as the fear was slowly fading away. Once I was back on my feet, I buried my brother into a hug. He squeezed me into his grip and I felt like never letting go.
I cried over his shoulder, “I love you, Nick.”
He rubbed my back, “Everything’s okay, Rose.”
I turned around to see that Kaner wasn’t the only one standing behind me. Kaner was the only one in the room though, other players must have heard me scream because a few of them were staring at me in the window door. I looked back at Kaner, and he still looked pretty shaken up. I let out a cough, and cleared my throat. “Sorry.”
Kane frowned and came towards me, “Why are you sorry? I’m just glad you’re okay. I thought you were having a heart attack.”
I put a hand over my heart, where it had felt like it. “It feels like one.”
“But you’re okay now, right?” He asked.
I nodded, not exactly sure. “Yeah. I think I just need a break.”
Nick put a hand around my shoulder, “Come on. I’ll take you back to your room. We’ll see you later, Kaner.”
Nick went towards the door and a few of the athletes vanished, not looking at me anymore. I was still trying to take it step by step. It’s not every day that I would have a panic attack like that. I guess, it was just too much to handle at this point.
Nick looked down at me, “I can still feel your heart beating fast.”
I smiled, leaning on him. “I know. I’m taking it slow.”
“Take all the time you need,” He squeezed me in his grip and I grinned. "You can also tell me, later on ,what made you panic over the top like that.
I smiled, staring ahead. “You know something I realized?”
“What?” He looked down at me with a bit of curiosity.
“Our life is so screw up.” I said, shaking my head and looking away from his face.
“Let’s not talk about it right now.” He said, rubbing my shoulder softly. A very sensitive topic for everyone. “You should rest before we start talking about all that. Give your mind a break.”
I forced a smile. “Thanks for being there for me, Nick.”
He smiled, but unable to look me in the eyes. "Always."
HEY THERE! Yeah, You! thanks for reading, haha! Love you lots and hope you guys are happy I finally updated! I know I am. Lool, Love ya guys:)
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