Chapter Eight
Title from Manage Me, by Alex Gaskarth (poem)
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
I anxiously waited in the line outside the room where vitals were taken, I was the next in line. I looked back at the long line of people and made eye contact with Jack who was last in line, I scanned the line and found Vic with a look of pure boredom. Vitals took about five minutes if even so I was getting more anxious by the second, I felt like I would throw up. The door opened and Craig stepped out, a smile on his face, he waved sweetly at the nurse and almost skipped off to the day room, the nurse then motioned for me to join Dr.Mullins in the room and I held my breath as I entered. Dr.Mullins will be the one to find the bruises that I put on my body. I looked at him with an almost apologetic expression even before I had to take off my clothes, he would be ashamed.
"Okay, Alex, you can go ahead and take off your clothes..underwear on" he added at the end, I nodded and hesitantly pulled off my shirt, he turned around to a clipboard and jotted down a few things. I took off my pants as he was still turned around "you can go ahead and step on that scale" he said as he motioned for the scale in the corner of the room, not even looking down past my eyes. I walked over and stepped on the scale, merely uncomfortable at the fact I was half naked in front of my psychiatrist. I waited for a few seconds before there was a beep, I looked down to read the numbers "142, that's great Alex, you're the perfect weight" I was actually shocked as I did weigh more when I was fifteen
"can I do it again?" I asked, he was writing something down but he glanced up
"why?" He asked curiously.
I shrugged "I might've stood on it wrong, I weighed more when I was fifteen, I've grown since then" I was kind of embarrassed that the last time I was weighed was when I was fifteen but I let the thought pass.
Dr.Mullins shrugged "if you want" I nodded and stepped off, let it clear, then stepped back on the scale.
Seconds later it beeped again and read the same number "it doesn't make sense" I mumbled, I didn't do any extreme work outs, if anything I've gotten lazier since then.
"Depression takes away your appetite a lot, that might be some of it" he mumbled as he finished writing, I nodded and stepped off.
The first thing he did was scan my body, his expression changed when it get below my shoulders, he saw the scars littering my chest and stomach, but his face dropped when his eyes lowered to below my waist. Not only were there more scars than stars in the sky, there were fist size purple bruises on my thigh, I didn't realize how hard I was hitting myself. I bit my lip and prepared for his ashamed look, he continued to look and I knew I didn't have an excuse, he wrote something down on his clipboard and stepped back "get dressed" he mumbled before leaving the room. He didn't leave the room for anyone else, why was he leaving for me?
I stepped into my jeans and pulled them up, buttoning them and slipping on my shirt before running my fingers through my hair and exiting the room. I saw Dr.Mullins talking to a nurse near the middle of the line, everyone seemed to be paying attention to their conversation until I walked out, there were a few mixed expressions but when I made eye contact with Vic, I knew that everyone could hear the conversation between him and the nurse, and the conversation was mostly about what he just saw. I felt embarrassment and anger rush through me, I made eye contact with Andrew but his face was blank, he seemed just as scared as I was. I took a deep breath walked past the line and back Into my room.
I'm not going back in the Day Room again today so Jack will have to deal with me, I might even scare him Into the Day Room.
I sat on my bed, my eyes out the window, I didn't realize how long I was sitting there until Jack shuffled into the room, he was the last in line, he coughed to get my attention "phones for you..its uh, like right down the hall beside the Day Room" he spoke quickly, I didn't give him an answer as my stomach dropped. I got up and quickly walked out the door, the hall was empty except for the few nurses, I walked towards the day room and as Jack told me I found the phone close to the door, I've never noticed it before.
"H-hello?" I stood anxiously with the phone pressed to my ear
"hey man" I recognized the voice as my friend, Jason. Jason was probably the best of my friends, none of us are really serious, mainly our friendship was just playing video games and joking around. Jason once stood up for me when I was being bullied, none of them know, they aren't very good at paying attention.
I could hardly breathe as now he does know where I am "h-how did you-" I could hardly get my own words out
"I came over to your house because you weren't at school and you weren't answering your phone..your mom told me-" I instantly cut him off
"I don't want to know what she told you" I didn't expect myself to stop him until last minute.
The line was quiet for a minute "Are you okay?" He sounded generally concerned, I nodded to myself
"I'm fine, Jason" I was almost whispering due to the fact that Vic and Jonny walked out of the Day Room. I didn't want to make eye contact with them but I knew they were looking at me.
"Alex, you tried to kill yourself" he stated the obvious so I went completely silent as Jonny and Vic walked by in a painfully slow way. "Alex you're a great guy, you're funny and you're always happy and I just didn't even believe it" he spoke tenderly through the phone, I smiled to myself and how great of an actor I was. I could be in the movies. But the person Jason is describing isn't me at all. It's merely the shadow of who I was, these are careless words. "I didn't think you would need help" when he said that I felt a bit of pain in my chest, I realized that my friends will never treat me the same again
"so I'm not strong enough? I don't need help" when I said that he was quick to protest
"I didn't say you were weak or anything, but you do need help" I rolled my eyes and sighed.
"Did you tell the other guys?" I changed the topic when I realized I was almost out of time to talk, there was silence for a few seconds
"yeah" I felt my stomach drop.
"I have to go, bye" I said quickly before pushing the phone back on the wall.
My friends will never look at me as a normal person again, they will think I'm weird, they'll watch me and be concerned and they're pretty popular dudes..they won't be the only ones to know.
I walked in a quick pace to my room and instantly wanted to die when I saw Jack on his bed, I ran my fingers through my hair and tried to breathe as I held back the panic. I'm so weak, I panic over everything, I cry over everything, I used to be stronger than this. I pulled in a shaky breath and released a shaky breath as tears stung my eyes. I was walking over to my bed but stopped and stood in front of it, I put my hands over my face and silently cried into my hands.
I'm so weak, I'm such a fucking failure, I need to kill myself because it would be better for everyone but at the same time no one will let me kill myself. I walked into the bathroom, trying not to be obvious to Jack. Instantly when I got In the bathroom I shut it behind me and pulled my shirt over my head, I looked at my puffy face in the mirror as my heart beat sped up. I took a deep breath as I tied a knot with the sleeves of my shirt and pulled it around my neck, I broke Into sobs as I looked at myself.
Two years ago I never would've imagined i'd be in this situation.
No one really cares, they just don't want my blood on their hands, they don't want to look bad because they let me die. Maybe Jack was the only one who cared, he was the only one kind enough to let me die..to let me be okay again.
I took my last deep breath as more sobs erupted, I looked up to the celling and tightened the shirt around my neck, it wasn't tight enough so I pulled harder and harder until It was finally enough to stop my breathing. I kept pulling tighter though, eventually black dots came Into my vision but everything was interrupted when the door was pulled open and I saw Jack standing in the doorway, he had a terrified expression on his face.
"Please stop, please, please" he was begging me and I was actually surprised, I loosened my grip because I wanted to hear what he had to say "I know life isn't great, I know, and I know people suck and I don't know what happened to you but..do you really want people to know you as the kid who killed himself with the sleeves of a shirt? I don't know who would..I don't know if this is true, but there's a reason for everyone and if you want to find out your reason in life..I suggest you take the shirt off your neck" I started sobbing harder as I decided to do what he told me to do. I don't know why.
He wasn't going to leave until I did, and I couldn't kill myself In front of him.
As soon as I took the shirt off he snatched it from my hands, it was the closest I've ever been to anyone in this place but we didn't physically touch. I was surprised that a nurse hasn't found us. I cried harder as he left the bathroom and opened my drawer, pulling out a light blue T-shirt and throwing it at me. I didn't want to wear a T-shirt "it gets cold in here" I whined even though I was still halfway sobbing, Jack rolled his eyes
"you have blankets" he said obviously. I exhaustedly pulled the shirt over my head and walked over to my bed, crashing down onto it Jack kept glancing over to me, I hated this. What just happened? I was almost too shocked to be upset, tears randomly fell and my breathing was heavy but I was no longer sobbing.
"Tell me about your mom" he said, I was surprised but after what he just did I wasn't sure if I could be surprised about him anymore.
I shrugged "thick British accent, old, good cook, she's scared of spiders and snakes" I stated the random facts about her.
"British accent?" Jack asked, he actually listened to me unlike anyone ever does.
"When I was eight we moved from London to here..they don't get out much so they never really lost their accent..I have school so I was more influenced by people" I explained, he nodded.
There was a moment of silence "my mom is a tall strict woman, she works really hard and she works late a lot..she wears bright red lipstick and it's not very attractive" he told me about his mother, I chuckled at his comment about her lipstick. "What about your dad?" He asked, I wasn't sure why he was asking me these questions, as we both laid in our bed we faced each other to speak
"he's a rude man, if you don't believe what he believes he doesn't like you, when he's happy with you he's nice though" I didn't have much to say about him.
Jack nodded his head "both of my parents are like that too..my dad is an even taller hardworking man who works late too, they aren't home much but it's nice because I get the house to myself..and when they are home they're tired and grumpy" he laughed, I smiled at him despite that tears were still occasionally dropping out of my eyes. I just tried to kill myself again, but I wasn't counting that as an attempt.
"Do you have any siblings?" He asked the question that made my heart stop for a moment, I paused for a moment
"not anymore" I said quickly, I didn't want him to ask questions but I didn't want to just not count Tom as my sibling. He was a big part of my life. Jack got the point and didn't make me carry on about Tom, which gave me a little bit if respect towards him. Jack then remembered what he was saying then replied
"I have an older sister named May and an older brother named Joe, they've already moved out" I didn't expect him to have siblings living with him after he said that when his parents are gone he had the house to himself. My brother would've been moved out too.
In fact he would be twenty five years old, he would probably have kids which meant I would have nephews and nieces..
"What school do you go to?" he asked me another question, I tried to figure out what to say
"I was at Towson high school but when I get out I'm transferring to..uh..D-I can't remember but I think it starts with a D" almost as soon as I said that his eyes brightened
"Dulaney?" I nodded with a smile. Jack smiled "I go there, Vic goes there, Oli goes there, Josh went there but he got kicked out" he started listing everyone and I wondered how he knew all of this, he wasn't friends with them before was he? I smiled when I found out I'd be going to school with all of them, it made me less nervous about making friends. Jack and I just stared at each other for a few minutes "your neck is red but I think it should be gone soon, it was a shirt" he said softly, I nodded and brought my fingers up to my neck, rubbing the skin "you know, you're probably the best roommate I've ever had" I felt myself blush but instantly knocked myself out of it.
Why is he being nice?
"I thought you hated me" I laughed.
He smiled "I still hate you" he laughed, "but out of everyone in this place, I hate you the least" he added, I laughed and we continued to look at each other.
"you're not bad either" I said lightly after awhile.
Jack laughed "oh don't lie to me" he whispered.
I smiled harder and realized:
Everyone has good things about them, everyone has bad things about them. Jack is one of those people who hide the good things behind the bad things, I don't think I'll ever know why.