I become more and more anxious as I drive. I didn't wake up Kira to ask to use her car because I don't think she'll mind. The streets are relatively empty, especially as I get closer to Will's house. One AM driving is not my thing. I'm just waiting for some drunk guy to come and crash his car into me. It's a scary feeling driving by myself at this time at night, or in the morning, however you look at it.
Will seems really upset about our little fight. I thought we'd get over it eventually, but I guess he's a lot more worried about it than I was. Unless there's something that I'm missing. What else could be bothering him?
I pull up to the dark house and peak into the garage that's open for the first time. There's a big spot in the four-car garage where a car should be. Is Will alone in the house? I hope so. I can't tell if Will is just tired, upset, or mad and I don't want Ethan around when he's any of the above. A two AM trip to the hospital would not be fun.
I walk around to the side and knock on the door. I don't remember the last time I knocked before entering Will's house, but I feel like I'm trespassing this late at night. He doesn't answer, so I open the door myself and slowly walk in.
"Will?" I say into the pitch-black room. All of the lights are off and I don't have any idea where the light switches are. It's always during the day or early afternoon when I come over, or the lights will already be on.
The house is always exceptionally clean, but I still shuffle my feet across the floor to be careful not to trip on anything. The living room is very close to the side entrance, and I successfully make it there without bumping into anything. The moonlight shines through the large windows so I can see the outline of my hand in front of my face. The house is so creepy and intimidating in the dark. It's so much more welcoming when the sun is shining and Will is sprawled out on the couch pretending to read a textbook.
"Will?" I call into the room. I know I didn't mishear him on the phone. He asked me to come over, multiple times. I just assumed he meant his house. His car was still parked in it's normal spot. So unless he took one of Leah's cars from the garage, he should be here.
Suddenly, I feel two hands push me up against the nearest wall. It came out of nowhere and it almost knocks the breath out of me. I panic for a second until I faintly make out Will's face in the moonlight. I thought I was getting attacked for a second there.
"Will." Before I can get another syllable out his lips crash into mine. His whole body presses against mine to keep me still has he hungrily moves his lips against mine. Alcohol. He tastes like really strong alcohol. I have no idea what kind, but I feel like I'm drinking a whole glass of it as he forces his tongue into my mouth. This isn't like the other times he's kissed me. This is possessive and greedy. I feel like I'm completely at his mercy. I can't move and I can't speak. There's a fire that's burning throughout my whole body, but the unexpected feeling of confinement overshadows it. It's almost suffocating.
"Will," I manage to breath when he trails kisses across my jaw. I push my hands against his shoulders to try and create some space between us, but he doesn't budge. Instead, he grabs my wrists and pins them against the wall with one of his hands. His other hand holds my face and the rest of him holds me in place.
"Can we just pause for one second?" I say breathless. My body feels like it's being taken over by sensation and I don't think my legs can hold my weight. I wouldn't be hesitant if he didn't reek of alcohol and it wasn't one in the morning. Something else must be wrong. Something else must have happened between me leaving and his text.
I would love to kiss Will like this if I was actually kissing Will. He said himself that he's not himself when he drinks and the proof is right now. He won't stop.
When his lips reach my ear, they come right back to my mouth, once again invading all my senses and clouding my mind. I don't want this right now. I want him to talk to me. He's drunk. He said he hasn't gotten drunk in years. What is going on?
"Will, stop." I try to stop kissing him, but he keeps me pressed to the wall as he kisses down my throat. I ignore the buzzing feeling of pleasure that runs throughout me. I don't want this right now. Why won't he stop? Can he even hear me?
"Will," I attempt to make my voice louder and more forceful but I'm pretty sure it just comes out as a wine.
He finally speaks.
"Fuck me, Jess."
Oh no. No, No, No, No, NO.
This can't be happening. This isn't what I want at all. I can't do this right now. I just wanted to come over and talk!
"No, Will. Stop." His words have cleared my head and brought me back to reality. This isn't Will. He would never say that to me. He would never ask that of me.
"Please, Jess. I need this right now."
This is his way of coping with extreme emotion, or it used to be. This is what he used to do all the time in California. I thought he was over this. And if not, why me? Why is he trying to get with me when he knows I wouldn't allow him to, especially when he's not in the right state of mind.
I pull on my hands as hard as I can, but his grip is too strong. Panic is starting to build within me. This is just a glimpse at California Will, and I hate it. He's not only acting controlling and aggressive, but also borderline violent. There's a pain in my wrists, I can't breath, my whole body feels like it's overheating and being crushed into a wall.
"Stop this, Will!" I say with as much conviction as I can muster.
He finally steps back. I feel a great relief as my arms are dropped to my side and I get cool air back into my lungs. Will glares at me in the dark room only a few feet away. He looks disheveled, depressed, drunk, and furious.
"If you weren't such a fucking prude, maybe I'd be able to deal with my problems better!" he shouts. I'm taken aback by his words and tone of voice. He's never spoken to me like that. Even when he didn't necessarily like me when we first met, I never thought he would say something like that to me. His problems aren't my fault, and my opposition to the way he's dealing with them isn't my fault either.
A different kind of fire starts burning within me.
"There are plenty of other willing girls for you to go take your problems out on," I spit back. He looks even angrier. His eyes are drilling holes into me and his fists are shaking at his side.
I get... destructive and I'm not myself.
His words from the car ride to the art show ring in my head. He's not going to hit me, is he? The Will I know wouldn't even dream of hitting me. Even when he's drunk, he's got to have some sense of right and wrong.
I coward back against the wall, my confidence now gone. I silently plead for him not to hurt me.
"They'll be much more enjoyable anyway." He throws the words in my face and storms out of the house.
I don't feel relief when he's gone; I feel and overwhelming amount of sadness. I crouch down on the ground and cry. I cry and cry until I'm all out of tears. Then I just sit with my head against the wall. I want to fall asleep, but I can't. My body is exhausted but ignited at the same time. Almost every emotion runs through my head at the same time: anger because of what he did and said to me, sadness for him because something awful must have happened, sadness for me because I wasn't able to give him the release he needed, pain because of all he's been through, fear because for a second I thought he was going to hit me, anxiety because I don't know what's going to happen next, frustration for not being able to understand him, and shock from everything that just went down. So, pretty much every negative emotion is stuck inside of me.
Half of me hates him, hates him for treating me like this, for leaving me like this. The other half is just confused. I want to know what happened. This goes way past the disagreement that we had. I just want to understand him. What would drive him to drink? He knows what happens when he does.
I need to leave. I'm never going to fall asleep in this room, and Will might come back. I have no idea what I would say to him. I'll go sleep through tomorrow and then decide what I'm going to say to him. I can't just delete him from my life after this. I need to know what's going on.
I slowly get to my feet using the wall and the small table next to me for support. I wipe my eyes and take a couple deep breaths to compose myself. My mouth feels dry and my throat burns. I'll just get a glass of water and leave.
My eyes have adjusted to the dark, so it's easier to find my way around. I see the light switch for the kitchen on the wall as soon as I enter. I flip it on and freeze in my tracks. The room is a complete disaster. There are broken plates, bowls, and glasses everywhere. Wine is spilled all over the room and it's previous containers are also shattered. Even the walls have red liquid streaked down leading to puddles where the wall meets the floor. The toaster is knocked over as well as the coffee maker. I see silverware scattered throughout the mess and some other kitchen utensils. Did Will do all of this? Well, I guess the one positive of today is I wasn't here to see this happen.
There's barley any floor space for me to carefully make my way to the fridge and back again. I feel really bad for Mary. She's going to be in for a shock when she comes in to work this morning. I want to stay to help her, but I can hardly keep my eyes open. I down the whole water bottle and throw it in the trash before making my way through the living room and back out the side door. Hopefully I can drive home safe.
The cold air outside helps wake me up. I walk over to my car, but stop when I see that Will's car is still here. He never left?
I glance around, but it's too dark to see much. He probably walked around to another entrance and snuck in when I was sobbing in the corner. The thought makes me shutter. But he didn't leave to go find a willing random girl? That was definitely the intention that I got. He might not have known what he was saying. He is drunk.
Drunk. Holy shit. I was going to let him drive drunk! Thank God he didn't go anywhere. I would absolutely hate myself if he got injured in a drunk driving accident. I remember how scared and worried I was when he got in that bus accident forever ago, and I had no part in that. I would hold myself responsible if he was hurt driving drunk tonight. I let out a little sigh of relief knowing that he's safe inside and not out on the road.
I start my car and the headlights illuminate the road in front of me. Just as I'm about to drive away, I see something out of the corner of my eye. It's a black shadow in the shape of a ball up against the house. I pause because it looks like an injured animal, but it's a large animal. I'm thankful for being in the protection of my car. What could it be? I turn my car a tiny bit so more of my headlights are shinning on it.
It's not an animal, it's Will.
I quickly shut off the car and run over to him. He's been sitting out in this freezing whether wearing a t-shirt and jeans for over an hour. What was he thinking? He's going to get terribly sick.
"Will?" I crouch down next to him and place my hand on his arm. He feels ice cold beneath my fingers. His body flinches from my touch and his eyes flicker up to meet mine. He looks like an injured animal. All of the aggression is washed out of him leaving a shell of pain.
"Please come inside, Will. You're going to freeze." He stares at me like he's in shock that I'm talking to him. I really didn't plan on being this nice to him after what just happened, but seeing him like this tugs at my heart. He's so helpless in this moment, so fragile.
"I-I didn't mean it-t." His teeth chatter and his voice cracks. I'm going to cry again.
"Let's go inside." I need to keep my composure. I can only break down so much in one day. I wrap my arms around him to help him to his feet. He stumbles and puts part of his weight on me as we make our way back to the house. He mutters "I didn't mean it" all the way into the house and over to the couch in the living room. He's pretty much regained his balance once we're in the house. I release my arm from around his waist when we've made it to the couch, but he pulls me to sit down next to him.
"I didn't mean it," he whispers for the hundredth time, still shivering.
"I know. We'll talk about it tomorrow."
We have a lot to talk about tomorrow.
"Jess, you have t-to listen to me. Le- Leah, she... she..." I patiently wait for him to finish. "and her... I can't... she can't."
He's not making any sense. I don't need to hear this right now. He needs to sleep. I need to sleep. It's been a rough day.
"Please go to sleep." I run my hand down his cold face and his eyes don't leave mine. He slowly leans into me and my instincts tell me to pull away, but I don't. He's being cautious, not at all like earlier. His lips gently touch mine as he brings his hand to my face. This is the Will I know. He might still be drunk, but he's not the crazy scary drunk that I first encountered.
He very carefully continues to kiss me, afraid that I'll run away. I can do this for him. I can be his comfort.
"Come to bed with me," he breaths into my mouth. Not this again.
I pull away slightly. "I already told you. I'm not going to-"
He cuts me off. "Not to do anything. Just sleep with me. That's all."
"In the same bed?"
"Please," he says and kisses me again.
He must still be drunk, because stubborn and coherent Will would never let me sleep with him.
"Okay," I reply hesitantly. It's probably four in the morning at this point and I shouldn't be driving home anyway.
He grabs my hand and stands from the couch. He pauses, wobbles a little, and then walks directly to the stairs and climbs them with surprising ease. As soon as we're in his room, he pulls his shirt over his head. I admire his back as he walks further into the room. He doesn't have very many tattoos on his back. The only ones I see in the dark room are numbers. What is it with him and numbers?
He starts to undo his belt buckle, so I turn and look at some of his paintings. He has a new one hanging up where the waterfall painting was. It's another beautiful landscape, this one of a mountain range. My tired brain can't think of the artist.
"Jess?" I hear Will say from behind me. I turn to see his bare chest right in front of me and his lower half covered in plaid pajama pants. I have to force myself to keep my mouth closed. Now is not the time to be drooling over him! I'm still supposed to be mad at him.
"Umm, I don't have anything to sleep in." I tear my eyes away from his body to look into his eyes. They still hold the same amount of emotion as they did outside; dark blue, and breathtaking.
"Here," he says holding out one of his sweatshirts. I take it from him with a small smile and he walks over to his bed, keeping his back to me. Finally, a kind gesture.
I take off the jeans that I slipped on right before coming here and my shirt and hoodie. His black sweatshirt comes down to the middle of my thighs. He never handed me sweatpants, but I guess I don't really need them. I would feel a lot more comfortable with sweatpants, but I'd rather not ask. Right now, I just want to sleep.
I walk over to the side of the bed opposite of Will and slide into the covers before he can examine me. He still stands by the bed as I lay down like he's deciding if it's safe to enter. I assume he's going to put some sort of shirt on, but he doesn't. Even after all that time outside, he's not an ice cube. It's actually amazing.
He moves the blanket out of the way so he can lay next to me and then brings it over both of us. I turn my body toward the window and away from him. I need to fall asleep, and I know I'll just stare at him if I'm facing him.
A second later, I feel arm wrap around me and I'm pulled back into Will's chest. I tense at first, but relax quickly. There's so much we need to talk about, but I don't know if I'll be in this position again. It's so comforting being wrapped in his arms as I feel his steady breathing on the back of my neck.
"I'm so sorry," Will whispers into my ear and I feel a soft kiss on my bare skin where his sweatshirt falls forward off my shoulder.
And I drift off to sleep.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
I ran out of languages that use letters on my keyboard:( I'll have to think of something else for my authors notes from now on.
Please Vote and Comment!!
Thank you so much. I love you. xx