As I step closer to the page, I have the horrible feeling that this is going to be a goodbye note from Katie. I fear that she might be done with the prison and me, and the presence of Ryan has made her want to run away. She won't survive out there, she isn't strong enough yet. I don't think Ryan's man enough to take care of her either. He isn't like me, he isn't capable. He won't be able to keep her alive.
I squeeze my fist tight, hating that idiot even more now. He's taken away the woman that I want and he's going to get her killed in the process. I just hope this note gives me a clue to where they are so I can hunt him down and kill him first. Asshole.
But instead of a goodbye note, it's something very unexpected:
I've never written down my feelings before, I guess I've always been too busy; studying and working. That's why my life was the way it was, all career. That's why I missed out on so many opportunities.
Like Ryan.
It takes all I have not to scream out with frustration as I read those words. Ryan isn't an opportunity, he's a useless asshole. Jealousy coils through my system like a nasty, bitter snake.
What is this anyway? Like a diary, or something? I haven't ever seen her writing things down before...
But now everything is messed up and I'm so confused. I need to write it down to get some clarity, to work out what to do.
Everything that's happened after I left the specialist medical facility is a bit of a blur. In my stress-addled mind, when I thought I was infected, I imagined this blossoming romance happening. I thought it was all in my mind, just a way to cope with what was happening, but as it turns out I'm not bit, I'm fine, and all of it, or at least some of it, was real.
It's disconcerting to say the least.
Woah...that's an insight into Katie's brain that I wouldn't have gotten otherwise. I feel bad, this is obviously personal and not meant for my eyes, but now that I've started I just can't stop reading. I need to know how this all plays out.
Oliver is amazing! His smile is so warm and caring, and when I'm with him I feel safe. He told me once that he loves me, and while it might've been one of those things that he said in the heat of the moment, I think I might well love him too.
Things between us could be prefect.
But, now Ryan's here to mess with my head again. I'd just gotten used to the idea that he was dead. I knew the hospital had lost control and everyone was infected, I knew he was gone. Until he was there in front of me...changing my perception of everything.
Oliver lost Enrico on this mission. He lost his best friend to save Ryan. What if that means something?
Without even meaning to, I crumple up the note between my fingers. I do not want to think that I lost a good man and a great cop for him.
Ryan is here now. A bit battered and disheveled, but basically the same Ryan I've known and loved from afar for so long.
The only problem is, I've changed. I'm a shell of my former self really. I'm happy with Oliver, but I'm still not totally me. The fire and determination I once had, is gone. I still feel to blame for so much going wrong. That blame rests heavily on me and weighs me down.
A sickness swirls in my stomach, this is almost too much to handle. I knew that she was suffering but I didn't know how much.
Oliver has been so busy the last couple of days, and I've been with Ryan. Talking, reminiscing, laughing. I'm almost feeling a bit like myself again.
And now I don't know how I feel or what to do! Melanie, Ryan's girlfriend, is dead, or at least infected somewhere milling about. The night after I met her, she got attacked in her own home. Ryan doesn't know the details, he just found her the next day, pussing, bloody and rife with the AM13 virus. She's out of the picture, that's the main thing.
Yesterday he told me all of this has made me realize how much he wants to be with me. I've wanted to hear those words for so long, it's difficult to ignore that. But would he want me if Melanie was still alive? Has his chance been and gone? Would I really be happier with him than I am with Oliver? Am I just confused because I like him for so long?
Ryan or Oliver?
Oliver or Ryan?
Does it even matter? Are we all just going to die anyway?
Holy shit. This is too much. Ryan has her confused, his presence is almost overwhelming. But that doesn't mean I have to give up. I've never been one to lie down and just take things.
I need to fight for Katie. I need to make her mine.