They say "all good boys go to heaven"
But bad boys bring heaven to you
It's automatic
It's just what they do
- Julia Michaels, Heaven
T Y L E R
I stared ahead and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. This was bad, so very bad. Besides knowing fully well that this was the last thing I wanted to do, I also knew that I wouldn't be able to do it. It was too much and I wasn't sure I would survive by the end of it. Yet, what other choice did I have left?
I closed my eyes for a brief second, internally telling myself that this was for the best. It would hurt both of us emotionally but physically she would be safe and that was all that mattered. When my eyes finally fluttered open, I turned the key and swung the door open.
"Ty? Is that you?" I heard her voice from somewhere in the living room.
I took off my shoes and stepped further into the apartment. "Yeah, it's me." I shrugged my coat off and hung it on the stand on my right. I turned around and as I saw her standing nearby the couch, I froze.
Autumn was wearing nothing else other than my blue T-shirt, the exact same shirt that she had worn the first time she spent the night in my bedroom back in D.C. That night, I'd tried my best to keep her well hidden throughout the night only to be caught red-handed by my mom the next morning.
As she moved to close the gap between us, my breath caught in my throat. I had no idea if she picked that shirt by accident or if she intended to wear it but that shirt brought up so many memories that nearly choked me because I knew, what I was about to do would tarnish those memories.
"Your mom called." She stopped right in front of me. Her hand touched the side of my face like she always did, caressed my temple with her thumb then her hand settled just below my ear with her palm cupping my cheek. The urge to bang my head on the nearest wall for dragging her into this mess was getting harder to shake, especially with her looking up at me with those big hazel eyes. "She misses you, you know. She said you haven't called her since you got here."
It would sound silly, but doing this dirty work for the organization has made me feel guilty and dirty and all other awful feelings. I was ashamed of myself. So much that I felt unworthy being my mom's son. I felt that I've disappointed her, crushed her dream. That was the real reason I couldn't bring myself to call her regardless of how much I missed her. For eighteen years, she had been all I had and I had been all she had, we had lived together for eighteen years, just the two of us. It was hard not to hear her voice.
"Are you okay?"
I looked down and saw Autumn watching me worriedly. "I'm fine."
Her hazel eyes skimmed over my face as if they were searching for something and when I thought they might've found it, she dropped her gaze to the floor and took a step back. "Ty, we need to talk."
I gave her a curt nod. "Let's talk."
She began to move to the living room and I followed close behind her. The TV was on and whatever she was watching has been put on pause. "The Bridesmaids," explained her over one shoulder. "I thought I should find out what I was getting myself into."
Again, I nodded although I wasn't sure what she was on about. My own mind was occupied with a lot of different scenarios on how I should play this out. I took a seat beside her with my back to the side so I was facing her.
"Ty, I know these last few days have been tough," she started. You have no idea, I added in my head. "But we can get past this, as long as we're honest with each other." She looked at me expectantly so I gave her a nod, signaling her to continue. "In the spirit of that, I want to tell you what happened these last few days."
I watched her took a deep breath, her shoulders raised then fell a couple times before she finally spoke again. "When I walked out two nights ago, I was pissed. You lied to me and your words-" she bit her bottom lip and gave her head a little shake. "-well, they were very mean."
She was right. If I could turn back time, I would slap myself for even letting those careless words escaped my mouth. I would slap myself so hard that I'd be sober in an instant.
"I went to the McD around the corner of the street and I met Frazier."
"Frazier?" I felt that I heard that name before but I couldn't pinpoint when until a memory from three days ago hit me. "The guy who swore to make your life a living hell?" I nearly shouted, not from anger but merely because I was surprised by the finding.
Autumn nodded. "He and I are friends now. Anyway, I went home, still mad at you and refused to speak with you." This part I remembered. "He drove me home that afternoon but it wasn't just the two of us, Corbin was there too. That's pretty much what happened that day. Where were you?" When I didn't answer, she explained further. "I waited for you that day but you didn't come home, you didn't even reply my text!" She nearly yelled frustratedly and I couldn't blame her although I mentally blamed Mario and his surprise drop-in.
"When it was clear to me that you wouldn't come home, I went out. I ran into Frazier, or well, he was driving and he saw me walking alone. We went to an Irish bar. I got drunk and when he dropped me home, I refused to get in because I didn't want to see you."
I felt my heart ache yet I tried my best to remain calm.
"He took me to his house and then drove me back here this afternoon," she quickly ended her story and reached for a mug on the table. As I watched her down its content, I had a feeling that she wasn't telling me the whole story and I wondered why. She set the mug back on the table and looked up. "So what about you? What's your story?"
"Before I begin," I said ominously as I locked my gaze with hers, desperately wanting to be able to watch her eyes as she answered my following question. "Is there something I should know about you and Frazier?" I lifted one brow and studied her face carefully.
Her brows snapped together. "There's nothing going on between Frazier and me." She sounded a little defensive to my ears and apparently to hers as well because when she spoke her next words, she seemed to keep her tone down. "He kissed me but I didn't kiss him back. Eventually, he gave up and we settled on being friends but you know that."
"I don't." My voice sounded like my heart just broke and maybe it did. An idea hit me like a lightning bolt. "I don't," I barked my words one more time, a little louder and a little harsher. I stood and turned so my back was on her. "How could you not tell me this?" I spat my words with a tone full of accusation.
I swore I could hear her whimper and stifled the urge to turn around and pull her into my arms or drop to my knees and asked for her forgiveness. My heart told me this wasn't right yet this was the only way.
"I was going to tell you but you received that phone call and told me you had an additional class," reasoned her, "which turned out to be a lie! And you still haven't explained to me about that. Why did you lie, Ty? Where were you? Did you meet that ex of yours again?"
She was right. Again, she was damn right. I hadn't given her time to continue her story because Mario and the task at hand were on my mind at that moment.
"But you kissed someone and then you spent a night at his house! You went drinking with him and got yourself drunk! What else happened, Autumn? Did you sleep with him?" I turned around but kept my eyes on anywhere else but her face.
"No! I would never! You know I wouldn't do such a thing." I heard her let out a deep sigh. "He and I are just friends, Ty. There's nothing going on. I swear."
I knew she was telling the truth but I had to keep this going even if it hurt both of us. What else should I say? I straightened up and folded my arms across my chests. "Did you share a bed with him?" If she said no, it would be pointless to pursue this. If she said no, I had to come up with something else. A valid reason for a breakup.
She didn't answer for a long while so I flicked my gaze back to her face, which was a mistake because what I saw made me feel like someone just punched my throat. She looked so heartbroken, the pain on her face pinched my heart. Pinch might not be the right word since it felt more like a stab rather than a mere pinch.
"Well, did you?" I forced myself to shout those words at her.
Her shoulders sagged in defeat and when she looked up, she answered me with a nod.
I let out a humorless laugh. "You kissed him and you shared a bed with him." It hurt so bad to keep my voice filled with disgust when all I wanted was to throw my arms around her and told her 'I'm sorry'.
I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm sorry for being a dick when I was drunk. I'm sorry that I let my mistake affected our relationship. And most of all, I'm sorry that I let you down.
I had to literally drag my feet all the way to the front door before I changed my mind. Before I turned around and begged for her forgiveness. As the door closed behind me, I leaned my back against it and dropped to the floor. From the other side of the door, I could hear her crying like she had lost a soul. Maybe she hadn't, but I knew myself well enough to know that I just had.
A U T U M N
Heartbroken people were often mistaken as those who cried for hours, listened to a playlist full of songs about heartbreak, and got drunk for a week. Yet when my heart did break, I didn't do any of those things. Not because I tried to avoid being cliché but because I didn't have the power to do any of them. Sure, I did get myself drunk whenever I faced heartbreak on my high school days however this heartbreak felt a lot different than whatever I've faced previously.
Back when we were at Carlton High, I was rather easily convinced that I loved him. We started dating after I've only known him for two weeks, despite sitting on the seat behind him on Mrs. F's Math class for a whole year. For some people, maybe that's enough time to realize that they fell for someone and I could put myself in that category as well.
Yet it felt different now. My love then seemed shallow compared to my love for him now, after dating, knowing more about him for two years, because now, I loved his soul too. I loved him with all my heart and when he finally broke my heart, it was shattered to pieces and left me with nothing.
Empty. That was the right word to describe what I was feeling right now, sitting on the couch and staring blankly at the TV. It felt like he just thrust his hand, past my rib cage, straight into my heart and ripped it out. I knew there was no mere human could actually do that yet for today, only tonight, I'd like to believe that what had actually happened because I couldn't explain the hollow in my chests.
I had no idea how long I stared at Melissa McCarthy's face on the screen without truly aware that she was Melissa McCarthy. Tyler's words kept repeating themselves inside my head, over and over like an endless torture. The knock on the door pushed me back to reality as I jumped off the couch and blinked a few times. Once it was clear to me that it came from the front door, I finally walked towards it. I knew it was silly of me but I couldn't help hoping that it was Ty despite how ridiculous and truly impossible that was, since Ty had his own keys, he didn't have to knock.
I clasped one hand on the knob while the other turned the key. I swung it open and gasped. It wasn't Ty.
He had one hand on the side of the wall, next to the door, while his head bowed, looking defeated. "Frazier?"
His head whipped at the sound of my voice and his gaze found mine almost instantly. "I think your doorbell is broken." He straightened up then as if to prove his point, he pressed the little switch with his forefinger. I could hear a soft ring spread inside the apartment. Apparently, he could hear it too as I watched confusion registered on his face although I couldn't be sure if he was confused that there was nothing wrong with the doorbell or the unspoken fact that there was something seriously wrong with my hearing. Whichever he decided to settle with, I hoped he kept it to himself. "Or not," he finally added.
I let out a deep sigh, not sure why he came. "What are you doing here?" I moved away from the door to let him in. He took two steps in then paused to take his shoes off before continued to walk inside. His gaze took in the inside of my apartment as if he was in a museum, admiring the little detail but kept his hands to himself. "And don't tell me that you came to test my doorbell."
"No," he answered as he leaned forward to have a better look at the framed photos placed on the rack. There was a photo of me with my family on the vacation last year, another photo of me with three best friends after graduation, and some photos of me and Tyler. Curious as to which one he was staring at, I moved beside him and followed his gaze. Surprisingly, he was staring at my photo with my Mey, Norma, and Jess.
He glanced at me sideways and I gave him a knowing smile. "You must be looking at Norma." My friend, Norma, was Iranian and just like all Iranian on this planet, she was gifted with that exotic beauty. She broke a lot of hearts when she started dating with Koltin, Colton's little brother. I blinked and stifled a laugh, I just realized how funny it sounded to say 'Koltin, Colton's brother'. Not that it wasn't the truth, Koltin was truly Colton's younger brother. However, it only struck me now that their names sounded so funny side by side, making me wonder how their parents managed to introduce them to their friends without at least a giggle.
I looked up and realized he has been watching me all along, there was an amused look on his face mixed with a little curiosity. "I don't know which one is Norma but just to clarify, I'm actually looking at you. You looked so damn happy when you were with your friends." His gaze slid back to the photo in a blue IKEA frame as he softly added, "I hope I'll make you as happy as you looked in that photo."
I didn't know what to reply. There were one or two things about Frazier that really contradict one another. First, he could be a real jerk sometimes. Second, he often said things that left me speechless, wondering if he might be a decent (since good sounded overrated, over-complimenting) guy. At a time like this, I wished he had been the first one, because if he was being a real jerk, at least I had countless comebacks that I could use on him.
a/n: tap the vote button if you enjoy the story and leave your mark in the comment section to make my day! What do you think, my angels? What do you think of Tyler's decision? What will happen next? Let me know your thoughts in comments (;