~I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you.~
"Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis is blasting through Dinah's speaker in her bedroom on a Saturday night. Dinah is wearing a black loose tank top, a black lace underwear, and nothing else. Her long, caramel toned arms and legs are spread out all over her bed. She just stare at her ceiling and think. There are so many things going on inside her brilliant mind right now and all she want to do is just take a break but she can't stop thinking about Lauren.
After the kiss, Dinah asked herself again and again why did she kiss Lauren. She knows she was the one who started it, but why did she do it. She doesn't know. The only thing that she remembered before the kiss was that Lauren was talking about something. She remembered that Lauren needed to shut up, so she shut it for her. That's all she can remembered.
Did I kiss her, just because I wanted her to stop talking?
Dinah keeps thinking about this and the answer is always 'No'. No, she didn't kiss Lauren just to shut her up. She kissed Lauren because she wanted to and because she knew that she can.
After realizing that Lauren has a crush on her, Dinah paid a little more attention in everything that Lauren does. She watched the way Lauren moves her body, swaying her hips left and right as she walks. She listened to the way Lauren laughs when Normani tells stupid jokes. She watched the way Lauren smiles at her friends as they walk pass each other in the school's hallways. And most importantly, she saw the way Lauren looks at her.
Thinking about Lauren makes her feels butterflies. Every feelings is so new to her. No one had ever make she feels like this before. Maybe except for Zendaya, but nothing Zendaya did could ever compare to this. She never wanted to look at someone like this. She never wanted to talk to someone as much as this. She never wanted for someone to has a crush on her as much as she wants Lauren to.
Dinah is scared. She's scared that the only reason she's interested in Lauren is because she knew that Lauren is interested in her. No other girls have had a crush on her before. Lauren excites her, like she is taking Dinah to a part of the world that she has never been before. It is exciting and terrifying at the same time and Dinah is loving it.
Lauren is a stunning vision, Dinah admitted. Her skins look soft to the touch like they are going to melt Dinah's hands if she touch them. Her strong intoxicated vanilla scent is very dangerous because it makes Dinah just wants to close her eyes and ears, shutting down all her other senses so that her sense of smells can function perfectly. Her inviting lips that Dinah feels the need to feel them against hers again. Everything about Lauren is drawing Dinah in.
"Fuck." Dinah breath out, now fully realized that she has developed feelings for Lauren.
"What are you doing to me, Lolo." Hand reaching up to trace the line of her lips, she smile. The feeling of Lauren's lips still lingered on hers.
Her phone buzzed from some incoming messages brought her out of her train of thought. She's sitting up and lean against the headboard after grabbing her phone.
Greg:
You didn't show up to my practice yesterday.
"Ah shit." Dinah curses a lot when she has too many things going on inside her head. She totally forgot about Greg and his practice because she was with Lauren. Was kissing Lauren to be exact. Another wave of guilt rushing through her body as she read his text. She told him that she would be there, but she didn't. He is once again, hurt by her.
Dinah Jane Hansen:
I'm sorry. I came home early because I need to feed Kim and Hulk.
I forgot to tell you.
She didn't lie. She did came home early because her puppies need to be fed. But her original plan was to come home, feed the dogs, and go back to school to his practice. Safe to say that that plan was a total failure.
Greg:
It's fine. Maybe some other times.
"Ughhhhh! Stop being such a good guy! You're making me look bad!" Dinah said, very angrily, while throwing her hands up in the air.
Dinah Jane Hansen:
Maybe.
That was all her reply. She doesn't want to talk to him anymore. She hates the way he makes her feels, like the bad guy. She broke up with him, she didn't showed up at his practice like she said she would, and what next. Oh right, after almost a year of relationship, her first kiss was with someone else.
"Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Why me!?" She shouted.
"I need Ally." She said, laying down on her stomach before Skyping Ally.
"It's Saturday, why are you calling?" Ally said once her face showed up on Dinah's screen. Ally is referring to their normal Sunday Skype calls with Lauren and Normani.
"Why? I can't talk to you when it's not Sunday anymore?" She said, looking at her camera like a lost puppy.
"I'm kidding. What's up boo." Ally smile before she's laying down on her stomach too.
"Al." Dinah paused, thinking whether or not she should tell Ally the whole Lauren story. She decided not to because she doesn't know how Ally will react.
"Al, have you ever thought that I might not be straight?"
"To be honest, yeah. I mean, you and Zendaya are one strange friendship." Ally said without the need to pause and think.
"Al."
"Yeah?" Ally asked when Dinah said nothing after that.
"I think I like someone." To admitted this to herself is one thing. But to tell Ally, that's a whole other level. Dinah isn't even sure if she's really ready for this conversation.
"Oh my god! Tell me everything! Who is the unlucky soul?" Ally try to sneak in a little joke because she noticed the serious expression on Dinah's face. She doesn't like the serious Dinah, carefree Dinah is her favorite.
"Ally, I think I like Lauren." There is no turning back now. It is not a secret anymore.
"Oh wow. I mean, that's great. She already like you too." Ally said. She didn't look too surprise or shock or anything. This made Dinah a little bit more relieved. Ally is the closet person to her heart and if Ally's react badly to this, she doesn't even know how she's going to survive.
"But I don't know. I just.. , she just.. , I don't know." Dinah is feeling hella frustrate right now.
"What? What is it that you don't know?" Ally asked with caring voice, smiling at Dinah through the phone.
"Myself, Ally. What if I only like the thought of her liking me?" Tears starting to form in the corners of her eyes. Dinah hates complicated things and this feeling for Lauren is confused her to the point where she can't even think.
"You don't have to think too much about something like this. Just let your feelings set the pace, and if you're happy, follows them."
"Follow what?" See? Can't even think.
"Your feelings, dummy." Ally giggly said.
"But she's a girl." Dinah said softly. Confusion and hesitation lingered in her voice.
"So? When does that even matter to you?" Ally words left Dinah thinking. She had question her own sexuality before but she was too young to understand anything. After what feels like 2 minutes, Dinah finally answer.
"Never."
"Exactly. I have to go to bed now, I have church in the morning. We will talk about this later alright love?"
"Alright. Thank you Ally. I love you." Dinah said, kissing her hand and place it in front of the camera.
"And I love you." Ally did the same, kissing her hand and place it in front of her camera. Dinah pretend to catch the kiss, and place it at her heart.
After ending the call, Dinah just shut her eyes in hoping to shut her thoughts as well. She wants to fall asleep and dream about swimming in a pool of hot Cheetos.
When and how did my life get so complicated?
"What the fuck happened to your lips?" Normani's voice is ringing through Lauren's laptop as they Skype.
"I walked into a door." Lauren chose to lie because she's too tired to explain anything right now.
Dinah isn't the only one who have been thinking about the kiss. In fact, Lauren might even think about it more than Dinah does.
The memory keeps replaying itself in her head, over and over until it starts to feel like a dream. If it wasn't for this huge purple spot on her lips, Lauren would think that her mind just played some sick joke and that her and Dinah never kissed. But they did, and Lauren is a living prove.
Lauren doesn't understand why Dinah kissed her but holy heaven's sake does it felt good. Dinah's body was so warm under her, so soft. Lauren can still hear the way Dinah's heart picked up a pace when they lips touched. She can still feel her kiss and the way she nibbling on her lip, or the way Dinah's blonde hair tangled with her fingers. Was Dinah just playing with her feelings? You don't go around and kiss some girls like that when you said you were straight.
Was I just an experiment?
"Don't lie to me, Lo. You are not that clumsy." Mani's voice brought her out of her zone.
"I don't have to be clumsy. Everybody slammed their faces at some point." Lauren tried to make a point.
"Was it Lucy?"
"What!? Fuck no! What the fuck Mani?" Lauren said immediately. The mention of Lucy's name has her feel blood rushed. The last time they've spoken was at Starbuck and Lucy's words still left her emotionally unstable.
"Ah ha! See! It's not a door." Mani shouted. Pointing a finger at her camera.
"Whatever." Lauren just rolled her eyes at this point. Feeling drained already.
"Who was it, Lauren? You know you can't keep things like this from me." Lauren knows she can't, but she can try for now.
"I told you it was a door."
"Cut the crap, will ya!" Mani said.
Oh my gosh, will she ever going to let it go.
"Fine! fine. It was Ally."
Lauren just want to burst out laughing. Normani has the most funny expression she has ever seen in all their years of friendship. She looks shocked. Her mouth hanging open, her brows furrowed, her eyes widen, and her nostrils are flaring.
"What?" Normani breathed out, still look shocked and lost.
"You asked, Mani." Lauren said, trying to pull off her best apologetic face.
"Ha .. How?" She continue to ask. Her gazes finally trained back to the screen.
"You know what, I can't" And just like that, Lauren burst out the laugh she's trying so hard to hold.
"Oh my gosh, your face." Tears are rolling down her cheeks as she clutch her stomach with her hands.
"What?" Mani asked, still confused.
"I'm kidding Mani! It wasn't Ally." Lauren finally explained.
"Oh.. Ok. Good." Mani, still a little bit shocked, whispered out the 'good' but she didn't know that Lauren heard it clearly.
"Mani, is there something going on between you and Ally?" Lauren has been wanted to ask this question for a while now but she knows that Mani will just brush it off.
"What!? NO! Why would you asked that? You know she's not gay and so am I." Mani explained, but Lauren didn't miss the doubtful tone in her voice.
"Are you sure about that?" She raise an eyebrow at her friend who is looking like she's thinking really hard.
"No?" Mani answered.
"That's what I thought." Lauren smirks.
"Holy shit, am I gay for Ally?" Mani asked with wide eyes. She seems really surprise with herself.
"You could be, I mean, look at her. She's so cute and tiny and .."
"Hey, hey, hey. Back off." A smiling Lauren got cut off by Normani.
"A jealous type, I see. Worried not, my friend. I preferred biggie, not smalls." Lauren teased and to top it all up, she winked.
"Wait, stop trying to change the subject. Who sucked your face Lo?" Normani finally realized that they were way of the original topic, now trying her best to get the answer out of Lauren.
"Gotta go, byeeeeee" Lauren said, before disconnecting the Skype call.
Lauren shut down her laptop and goes on her phone. She playing music from her favorite Spotify playlist and open up Facebook.
Normani Kordei:
This conversation is not over!
She giggle at Normani's text. Mani is always fun to mess with because she has the best facial expressions. Lauren decided to leave her on read just to annoyed her even more.
"Hm, should I text Dinah?" She asked herself.
"No. She kissed me first, she texts me first." Locking her phone, Lauren strip out of her clothes and walk straight to the shower. She wish that a cold, relaxing shower will ease her mind from all this feelings.
Standing under the shower as water pouring onto her head, Lauren just cry. Her thought got the best of her. What if she was just an experiment? What if Dinah was just playing with her feelings? What if that was the first and last kiss they will ever share? Why haven't Dinah text her? So many 'what if', so many 'why'. Lauren just can't take it anymore. She sliding down the shower walls, hugging her knees and cry it all out.
Hand reaching up to trace her lips, she can still feel her. Dinah's lips imprinted themselves on both her lips and her memory. She doesn't want to be just an experiment. She doesn't want to be just an 'oh, she was the first girl I've kissed'". She wants to be more than that, than all of that. She wants to be Dinah's first text in the morning and last before she go to sleep. She wants to be Dinah's first choice when she feels lonely and wants to talk to someone. She wants to be the one who has the privilege to listen to Dinah's heavenly voice, whether she's rambling or just laughing, Lauren wants to hear them all. She just wants to be Dinah's everything.
Is that too much to ask for?
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I'm on vacation and I'm so bored. I have nothing to do so I just write. I hope you're not getting tired of me and my updates.