Ayla
June 9th
"Jai, please relax."
"Relax?! I c-can't relax. I've kept this secret from you and all I can think about is what a fucking fool I am. I'm an idiot! I could be.... It could have happened.... And I never told you," he exasperated out, looking as if he might pass out.
The admission that he had gotten Dana pregnant came out randomly after I got home from work. It was a quick fire moment, one I surely wasn't expecting. A spillage of details that I frankly, didn't care to hear about. But I wasn't going to roll my eyes and tell him everything was fine.
I had to find another way to calm him down. Use my words carefully.
"Jai. Honey. Listen to me," I softly spoke, grabbing his fuzzy cheeks in my hands. "I had 2 pregnancy scares when I was in high school. High school! How awful is that?"
"Ayla, this is not the same-"
"Why isn't it? Dana tells you she is pregnant and then she tells you that she wants to get rid of it," I began, walking away from him. "And then she magically disappears for a few weeks, nowhere to be found and then you find out that she wasn't pregnant at all! That she just wanted to stir shit up!"
"Yes, exactly, how is that anything like what you said."
"Okay, it's not entirely the same. But the point I'm trying to make is that there was this holy shit moment that turned out not to be true."
The fact that I was so calm actually did shock me. But after learning, not only from Jai, but from his friends about the kind of person that Dana is or... was, didn't surprise me at all. None of this story made my heart skip a beat.
Now, if I would have found out that he got her pregnant and that she ran off and had his baby and never told him... That's something I don't want to think about. Dammit Ayla, why do you do this to your brain.
"The only reason that I knew that she wasn't fucking with me was purely the eavesdropping that Jarrod did. Hell, I never even told my best mates that that witch told me she was pregnant," a bow sweaty Jai stroked his fingers through his hair.
It hurt my heart to see him look this way, but it's understandable.
"Fuck. I never meant to think of her again, ya know," a sarcastic laugh crept from his lips. "But I had a fucking dream last night and this memory flooded back. It never weighed on me. I forgot about it. She lied. Lied about it. She always lied. And the fact that she had lied about a baby, with me, made me sick. I... I don't know why I never told you. I just-"
"Baby, there will always be something that neither of us will tell or have told about the other's ex. That's just... Normal, there's nothing wrong with that-"
"Oh, Ayla, if there is something that piece of shit did to you and you haven't told me-"
"You're missing the point! I'm saying don't worry about it! It doesn't matter! The past is forever the past and that's all that matters. Do you hear me?" I firmly laid the words out for him.
A finally quite Jai looked up at me. I thought I could see a bit of calmness and relief wash over him, but who knows. I was just happy to see him smile at me.
"You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I brought it up," he all but purred, walking up and grabbing me in his arms.
His giant frame engulfed me and held me close.
He's leaving tomorrow to head back to Canada and he's wasting time worrying about something that doesn't matter.
"Do you want to go out tonight for dinner or stay in? It's your call love," he said, lifting my hand and placing the sweetest of kisses on it.
"Let's go out. Come on, let's get cleaned up. How about mini golf after dinner? Ooh no! Bowling! Let's go bowling!" I suggested with a huge smile on my face.
And there was the Jai that I had fallen asleep with last night. That cute little boy with that wretched rat on his face. Surprising me with a two day quick visit home. What a tease.
* * *
July 5th
My back hurts. My feet hurt. And no, believe me it is not from being pregnant. It's from working myself insane. I've worked long days, covering on-call shifts, even working the entire week triaging calls and whatnot.
I love working. I love my job. It's the least I can do. Especially when my coworkers are on vacation.
I work all day, come home make dinner, exercise and play with my dogs then go right back to it. And I love it.
Jai has been working up in Canada, begging to take small leaves to come and visit only to have me yell and tell him no. Don't waste your money to come and fly down here for a few short days. Stay. Work. Film.
Then, when he's finished he can come and see me.
Of course I miss him. Madly. But making movies is his job and that's what he needs to do. To distract himself from worrying about me every second.
I'm sure he's smoked at least 1,000 cigarettes since I've last seen him.
Trying to convince Jai that being pregnant is the farthest from an illness is like talking to a fucking wall.
He seems to have forgotten every single thing that I have told him not only about being pregnant, but about my job. It's damn near useless. He doesn't listen.
It's different, he says. It's you. My response is always, okay, so believe me when I tell you that I know, better than you, about what I can and cannot do.
Hell, sometimes I want to tell him to leave me alone. I have totally made the effort. Many times.
Again, talking to a wall.
He facetimes me several times a week, expecting that this tiny alien inside of me is growing per day and then I find myself saying the same thing every time:
Jai, my dear sweet, thickheaded boy - there is no change in my appearance. I promise you. When you come home, you can see me. See it. I'm not pushing this phone up my shirt for you to see my unpregnant looking abdomen.
When did he become such a handful?
Okay, so it does look pregnant. Something inside me popped and now all of sudden I do look pregnant. I thought I would end up being like my mother when she was pregnant with Dan. No one even knew until she was like seven months along.
Well, that didn't happen to me.
And I don't want to show Jai my growing belly. I want him to see it. In person. Touch it. Be inches from his growing baby. Not miles.
Today I woke up with the thought that there may be two of them growing inside of me and that one was just hiding behind the other. But my ultrasound this morning confirmed otherwise.
Thank goodness. I can barely handle a frantic Jai through the phone now. Imagine if I told him there's two babies growing. He would surely lose his mind.
I facetimed the sonography screen so that he could see the perfect ten fingers and ten toes. The rapid heartbeat and growing head. The rounded belly that had no issues and the spine that showed no signs of any problems.
Jai begged me to find out what we're having but I opted to not know.
Kelly, the sonographer, offered to tell him and not me, but I threatend her that if she even thought about it, I'd slap her.
It sucked that my boy wasn't there in person to hear that heartbeat, but I wasn't going to dwell on it. I would hold him in my arms in no time.
"Hello my darling," I answered my phone as I plopped on the couch after a run with my boys.
"Hello gorgeous. What are you doing?" A raspy voice asked through the speaker.
"Just finished running. Sweating my ass off. Deciding what I'm going to eat for dinner. You know, important stuff," I laughed.
"Sounds delightful. Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something," his tone quickly changed. "I got another job offer. In Europe. Starts filming the end of this month and wraps up in October."
Another 3 months?
"Nearly. I don't think I'm going to take it. But I don't know-"
"Yes, take it! Of course take it!"
"Ayla, I'm already missing so much time with you and this would be too long."
"Jai, you'll be a fool if you don't take it. You're the one who told me that you wanted to work as much as possible and then do nothing for months."
Which I can't wait for. Months with me and Jai and our new baby. What could be better?
"Yes, that's true... I guess."
"No. It is true. It's the best choice. Get it done. Everything will be fine," I calmly said. "Are you gonna come home for a little bit first? Before this next gig?"
I knew he could sense the change in my tone. That part, I definitely couldn't hide.
"We finish next week. First thing I'm doing is shaving this rag off my face, probably on the walk back to my trailer then coming your way, baby."
"Perfect," I sighed with an obvious smile.
Also perfect that he's coming back without his furry friend attached.
We finished up on the phone, ordered myself some take out and spent the rest of the evening by the pool. Only bothered by six phone calls from work.
* * *
July 25th
Jai left for England last night and I'm facing the fact that I am definitely not going to see him again until October 30th. The day before Halloween. Two short weeks before his sister's wedding.
I'll be fine. I'm sure of it! Telling myself to stay positive is something I'm pretty good at, even when it's not easy to do or always true.
But he doesn't need to know that. He needs to work, be focused with his job, get it done, so that then we can have a relaxing 3 months off together. At least.
If I were in his shoes, I would do the same.
Shit, I'm doing it now. Working my ass off keeps me sane. So it will absolutely be there same for him.
Shocked that my belly sprouted in the time that he was recently away really struck him though, that he was going to miss nearly my entire third trimester.
Explicit instructions were given to me by him though, that I needed to take so many photos that it would drive me insane. I agreed. Naturally.
How can I say no to that? Updates when he won't be able to feel this little gem kicking all the time?
Inside I really, really want him to take a week off at some point and come home, but it's not practical. Flying all the way back to the east coast from England, just to go right back again.
Nah, I'll wait.
I'll get the next three months to myself to do what? Oh shit, I'll be shopping. That's probably all I'm going to do. Is shop for this baby.
And fucking masterbate. Since my caring husband wouldn't hardly give me any this past week. Hell, so far this pregnancy.
After I repeatedly told him the whole sex game in pregnancy is a myth and completely absurd.
His first night home he had sex with me and then the rest of the week there was no penetration. And I all but begged for it.
Now that he can see and touch this bulge in my abdomen, he's totally freaked out.
I can't roll my eyes any harder.
I hope he realizes what he's doing to me here. What he will be doing to be for the next 3 months. Fuck.
* * *
September 18th
"Oh. My. God. Look at you," Megan squealed as she surprised me with this unplanned trip.
"You look amazing!"
I blushed.
"Thank you, you're being too kind," I laughed.
"No, seriously, Ayla, do you know how many pregnant California women I see all the time? Looking like they may break in half because they're so skinny?"
"Oh, so you're saying I'm fat?" I barked.
"No!" She angrily snapped. "You actually have a body. A shape. An ass - good Lord, look at it."
She might as well have been eye-fucking me at this point.
I laughed and gave her a huge hug. As big as I could with my belly in the way.
I had just left work, changed into leggings and a long-sleeved fitted top, damn near looked like pajamas.
"I've missed you so much," Megan sighed as she hugged me.
"Oh, I have too," I emotionally chirped back. "A lot! Is Dan with you?"
"No, unfortunately it's just me-"
"Oh, no, Meg, I didn't mean it like that. I was just asking," I quickly recovered. "I just haven't seen you both in a while and was wondering."
She smiled sweetly at me.
"Ayla, he's your brother, of course you want to see him and know if he tagged along. But, he couldn't get away from work... So I told him screw you, I'm going to see your sister. And take maternity photos, of course."
My eyes lit up for a quick second.
"Oh shit, I didn't even think about that!"
"What?! You're kidding, right? Do you see social media? Everyone does it! And I've been doing to get my camera on that belly," she grinned. "Can I touch it?"
"Of course you can," I grabbed her hands and placed them on the spot that this little one was just cartwheeling.
Megan's face glowed as she felt what I just did. A knee, or elbow, possibly a tiny buttcheek bouncing slightly against her palm.
"Still sure you don't want to know what you're having?"
"Nope. Not interested. I'm already crazy in love with this one, I don't care what it is," I smiled and placed my hands around my bump.
"And how does Jai feel about that?" She joked.
"Well, he wanted to find out a few months back but I told him I really didn't and even though he obviously pouted, he agreed."
"Does he have any guesses? Do you?"
"He does. I don't. I told him not to tell me his, so don't even ask me," I laughed.
"Fine, I'll keep my guess to myself too," she motioned zipping her lips.
I showed Megan the nursery, filled with all the things I have collected over the past 2 months. I'm surely going to be broke by the time this baby is born. I can't seem to help myself. Buying everything I want for this little one.
Jai said he has even found himself popping into shops around London in between shoots, not telling me at all what anything is. Aside from a little stuffed bunny that was so freaking adorable I couldn't wait to snuggle it myself.
After about 2 hours of showing that room off, chit-chatting about her and Dan's work, we made our way out to get dinner.
"It's written all over your face when I mention his name, how much you miss him."
"Well, it's surely not a secret," I smiled. "Of course I miss him. I want him here with me every day, pregnant or not, but especially pregnant. But, I know how important work is, no matter what, he needs to do what he's doing."
Megan nodded, taking a sip of her margarita.
"The way I look at it is this, don't risk not doing something - it could be the next greatest thing. So, if he would have given up this job, he may have regretted it, may not have made new friends, had a great experience. All of it. I'm being very positive about this," I winked and sipped my water.
I wouldn't tell her that I cried myself to sleep last night after I got off the phone with Jai. First time I felt completely separated from him. The tiny kicks from his baby inside me just sent my emotions entirely over the edge. I weeped for him. I wanted him with me so badly, I couldn't stand it.
But I keep trying to tell myself that it's just over a month until I get to see him again.
The mood got lighter after we laughed and joked and caught up on our favorite girl talk we both loved so much.
After we devoured our meals, we stopped by the mall where Megan insisted on having me pick out three dresses for this maternity shoot that she was planning for Sunday. Also insisting on buying them, wouldn't take no - absolutely fucking not - for an answer.
Honestly, I was pretty stoked about it and actually couldn't wait to dress up in these things. Obviously make Clare do my makeup, make me look as good as possible so I can send these pictures to Jai.
It'll be fun.
* * *
September 19th
"Do you guys know how incredibly horny I am," I blatently blurted out in front of my mom, Karen, Clare, Megan and my friends.
Invited to my parents for brunch, thinking it was just going to be my mom, Megan and I, I was shocked to find out that I was showing up to a surprise baby shower.
"Oh honey, I am sure," my mom responded.
She actually had a painfully sad look on her face when she said it to me. She knew and she was visibly concerned for me.
"Well girl, have you been using Jacob?" Clare asked.
Jacob, being the name that Clare gave to the hot pink vibrator that has been close to reaching Jai-level the past few weeks.
She named it that, of course after my former neighbor, when she was over my house two weeks ago. It was the beginning of September, still hot as hell and we were hanging by the pool. Not afraid to flaunt myself in my bikini, again, horny as hell, we decided to go to the gas station for ice cream.
Ran into Jacob in the parking lot. Me in my bikini and shorts, belly hanging out, not even worried about how I looked.
Him, wearing just jeans, no shirt, pumping gas in his Classic.
Did I mention I was horny as hell. And he look amazing. Clearly had just been working on his car evident by the grease mark in his arm. He noticed me looking at him, smiled a huge toothy grin when he saw me. Then his eyes went directly to my bare belly, when I realized I haven't seen him in such a long time, of course he didn't know I was pregnant.
It was obvious that he still had the hots for me - Clare made me aware. Because according to her, the whole time we were "catching up" he was continuously checking me out. She also pointed out that I was also checking him out.
I couldn't help it. I kissed Jai so bad it hurt and Jacob is handsome as hell and he was just.... There.... Looking sexy.
Clare was even turned on. So, she promptly told me the vibrator's name was Jacob and that I needed to go home and use it as soon as we were done hanging out.
Well, I definitely listened to her. Of course.
And that's how it got it's name.
"Yes I have and it's great, but just - I need the real thing," I sighed.
At this point, I didn't care what was coming out of my mouth. I couldn't help it. I didn't care who heard.
"I know you miss him," Karen sweetly said. "It won't be long now. The next month will fly by. And then, you make sure he fucks the hell out of you."
Normally, I would have laughed at her funny remark, but at this point all I wanted to do, was exactly what she said.
"He better," I growled.
At that point the whole mess of us busted into laughter as the rest of my friends and family piled in to get a look at this belly. Everyone wants to touch it and luckily I am okay with that.
I was able to Skype along with some of Jai's extended family in Australia which was very sweet and I was unnecessarily spoiled, well this baby was, with way too many gifts.
Thank God for my father and brother-in-law to be to be able to take all these goodies to my house.
I haven't even opened them, but seeing all of these gifts around me is making me feel a bit overwhelmed. I can't help it. I really wish Jai was here. He should be here for this. For his baby's shower.
Better him miss this than the birth though. In that case, I may kill him. After I freak out.