Tris
I wake up at dawn. It takes me a while until I know where I am: My own apartment. I smile, even if I'm usually not the smiling type in the morning. I remember falling asleep in Tobias' arms last night and look around me sleepily, just to be instantly disappointed when I realize he's not here anymore. Although I didn't plan on him to stay the night, now I wish he had.
I look out the window at the sun rising slowly above the horizon far away. The city is bathed in soft orange light. It's the first time I slept a whole night without being woken up by either my own or other initiate's nightmares. Whether it has to do with being on my own again or with Tobias being beside me as I glided off into sleep I'm not sure. I suppose both of it add to the effect.
Judging by the light outside it must still be early. I lay back and snuggle into the cushions. I can smell a hint of Tobias on the fabric and it brings back memories of last night.
My heart beats in anticipation when Tobias unlocks the door to my new apartment saying, "Welcome home." He lets me go in first and I take everything in: It's one simple rectangular room, its walls freshly painted in shimmery gray and one in dark blue. The color reminds me of the night sky. Only the stars are missing. Opposite the blue wall is a wide window that offers a majestic view of Chicago. The skyline of crumbling buildings is breathtaking in its dilapidated beauty. I smile when I spot the ferries wheel in the far distance on the right. Then I focus back on the room.
Right beneath the window is a wide bed where two people can easily find space to sleep in. It's decorated with quite an amount of small pillows piled up against the wall. I wonder if Tobias placed them there to make it look more inviting. On the far wall are a cupboard, a shelf and a dresser. A door on the right leads to the bathroom. On my right, and separated from the living area by a counter, is a small kitchen area. A black table and four chairs offer to sit down and have a meal. A blue figure is decorated in the middle of the table. I wonder where it comes from and what its meaning is. It seems oddly out of place in Dauntless, so it probably isn't originally from here. On the other side of the counter is a black sofa. It looks older, but it's still in good shape.
"Wow, that's much more than I expected. Everything looks great. And the view is absolutely stunning! Thank you," I breathe out and hug Tobias. Surely some features in this apartment are here especially for me.
I invite him to sit on my couch and am surprised to find there is some food and drinks in the fridge. Fortunately there's no alcohol, though. I think I'm done with that after last night. I spent most of today in bed and every time I opened my eyes the dorm was spinning around. It got better after taking some pills Christina forced me to swallow. I'm embarrassed to talk about it. In the back of my brain I'm afraid Tobias might get angry at me. Surprisingly, he doesn't, and I don't question it any further when he says it happens to all the Dauntless initiates.
Instead of lecturing me he pulls me to his side and I lay my head on his shoulder. It's as if it belonged there. I can feel Tobias relax and notice how his breathing slows down.
While we sit in silence, I gaze around my apartment again. I think I'll be able to make it my home. My eyes linger on the bed and the pile of cushions as I remember the rather racy kisses we shared in his bed yesterday and my thoughts become incoherent. I want to do that again. But I don't want more than kissing, for now.
I could just ask him to move over to the bed with me. I think he would want to. Wouldn't he? What else does he want? Will he lose interest in me if I refuse to go further?
I don't want to lose him. I can't. He's making me feel at home in this foreign faction that's not yet fully mine. Why can't I just ask him to lie on the bed with me? Why am I like that? I must be the only one with that fear. How can I make it go away? I don't want it to be this strong. Underneath it I can sense my longing for the boy next to me.
"You want to lie down?"
His question pulls me back into reality. I need a moment to be sure of what I want and to answer him, "Yes."
I can't tell why the silence between us feels awkward now that we lie side by side on the bed, looking at each other, when the same silence felt so comfortable only a minute ago. "
Can I kiss you?" Tobias asks shyly.
I nod and then the tension ebbs with his touch and his kiss. He starts out slowly. Suddenly slow becomes too slow and I kiss him back more forcefully, letting my tongue slide around his. My hands roam over his back and I can't stop them.
Again, I wonder what his tattoo looks like. I pull my lips away from his and wait until my breathing is back to almost normal and I can think straight again. "
Can I see your tattoo?"
"Are you asking me to undress?" He raises his eyebrows suggestively.
A blush creeps up on my cheeks. I didn't think of it that way.
"Only... partially."
He sits and removes his sweatshirt first. Watching him undress for me makes my insides churn. Then his T-shirt falls to the floor and I'm flashed by the view. I knew he was trained, but what I see... every muscle is defined and I see them move harmoniously under his skin when he turns around to lie on his stomach.
The inked artwork on his body is breathtakingly beautiful. It stretches all over his back from his neck over his shoulder blades, down his entire spine and along his sides. "Wow, it's huge. Can I touch it?" I think I need to, to take it all in.
"Of course."
I move closer to him and trace my fingers along the ink beneath his neck. He has the Dauntless flames immortalized there. Underneath it I see the shaking hands that belong to Abnegation. It makes sense for him to have both symbols. My fingers move along his spine, passing the other three faction symbols. Why would he have those, too? I take a closer look at his skin when my fingertips feel some unevenness and force myself to stay silent: The skin beneath the black ink is full of scars.
After a moment of hesitation, I continue following the lines of the huge flames that cover the sides of his back while I think about the five circles. I feel as if I'm missing something here, as if my mind has to catch up with a conclusion my subconscious has already drawn.
Then it hits me. Can he possibly be like me? I have to know.
"Why do you have all the faction symbols?"
"It's how I think it should be. All the factions should stand together, like it was meant to be when they were first created. And all their different values should be acknowledged and respected." He sits up and pauses. I've never seen him so unsure before, almost lost. "I want to be brave and selfless and honest and smart and kind. It's not enough to be one of those. Not for you — and not for me, either."
Then it's true: He's like me. I'm anxious because it means he's in danger, too, but I'm also strangely pleased because he shares something with me nobody else does.
I can't resist teasing him a little, "You know you have to work on kindness, do you?"
He laughs and I appreciate that he does. It's sad to realize I've never heard him laugh wholeheartedly before when the sound of it is so likable.
"I know. Believe me, I'm trying. I can be nice. I will be. For you."
He's all serious again now. His hands are on my cheeks, and he's about to kiss me when I interrupt him, "There's something else I want to know. The scars on your back... they're not from your time in Dauntless, are they?"
"No."
"But from your time in Abnegation."
It's more a statement than a question. They must be his father's 'work'. I'm lost for words. There probably aren't any for a truth like that. So I kiss him and hold him so tightly my muscles burn.
A knock on the door pulls me out of my thoughts. I wonder who comes to visit me this early and hope it's Tobias. I open the door just a bit to peek out and my heart leaps when I recognize him.
"Good morning Tris. Can I come in?" His voice still sounds a little sleepy, although he looks already wide awake. I let him in and our arms are wrapped around each other almost instantly. He smells of fresh water and soap and Tobias. I realize I'm still wearing the same clothes as yesterday.
"How did you sleep?" Tobias mumbles against my hair.
"Like a baby." I feel him smile when he pecks my head. "I woke up only when the sun was already out. And I missed you by my side then."
My cheeks blush a little, I'm sure, but he can't see it, since my face is pressed to his chest where I can hear his heart beating steadily. The sound of it always calms me down.
"I would have liked to stay the night, but I wasn't sure if you were comfortable with it," he whispers.
"I think I am. Please stay next time."
The words are out quickly, and I realize how true they are right after saying them out loud to him. I want to sleep side by side with him and the idea doesn't scare me anymore. Maybe it's because he left last night when I hadn't given him permission to stay, both showing me how he respected my wishes and, at the same time, causing me to miss him when I woke up. I chuckle at the irony.
"What's so funny?" Tobias asks.
I explain what I was thinking, and he kisses me in response. It's a gentle kiss, sweet and slow, and when our lips part again, Tobias smiles at me, "You really are Divergent."
We spend about half an hour drinking coffee together before Tobias goes for a run outside to have a little exercise before spending half the day in the simulation room. Unfortunately he has to work in the control room in the afternoon and evening, so we won't be able to meet again, alone, until tomorrow night.
I still feel his goodbye kiss on my lips when I go to the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for the day.
Tobias
Today Tris is scheduled to be the third initiate to undergo the simulation. That's good because she won't have to worry about it all morning. And neither have I. I've always hated to witness other people's fears, to see their weakest spots and make them strip emotionally, especially without them having a chance to avoid it. But never before have I been afraid myself to see anyone's fear. That's why I'm tense when I call Tris into the room. She jumps at the sound of her name. Clearly she has been deep into thought.
She walks past me and sits in the chair. I wish I could kiss her, reassure her somehow. All I can do is tug her hair behind her ear gently before inserting the needle into her neck. I hate to see her close her eyes in pain the moment it pinches her soft skin.
"Be brave, Tris," I whisper, once again.
She looks straight at me for a few seconds until the serum forces her eyes to shut and the hallucination to play inside her mind.
I turn around to the monitor, anxious about which simulation I am about to see. My heart drops when I recognize my apartment. More details of my bedroom are visible this time now that Tris has been there again. I try to read her expression when 'I' enter the scene and walk up close to her. I wonder if she sees Four, the instructor, or Tobias, her boyfriend.
I watch Tris and me kissing. She doesn't reject it. I wonder whether she's aware that she's in a simulation. My alter ego pushes her backwards towards the bed where they both lie down, still kissing. Memories of last night come up in my own mind and I try hard to push them away. I have to remind myself I'm still watching a fear simulation, although so far it isn't obvious. I feel ashamed of the warmth spreading in my stomach when Tris slides her hands under 'my' shirt.
The mood changes when Sim-Four pulls his shirt over his head and pushes Tris' top up, baring her stomach.
"Let me take of your shirt," I hear my own voice, although in reality my lips are pressed tightly together.
I can tell by her hesitation that she's unsure what to say or do.
"Come on, Tris, don't be so shy. I want to see you — now. You don't want to disappoint me, do you?"
I cringe at the sight of her eyes widened in fear. God, I hope I'll never see her look at me like that in real life. And then, although I don't like to admit it even to myself, I realize that I'm in fact somehow disappointed about what she must still be thinking about me that causes this simulation to come up yet again. She said it would probably happen, but only now do I realize that I wasn't prepared to watch it again.
I don't have time to follow that train of thought as Tris shakes her head in the simulation, telling 'me' to leave her alone and that it's her decision how far she wants to go. Then the monitor turns back to the start screen of the program and the real Tris is back beside me. I turn towards her and find she's unable to look at me.
"I'm so sorry you had to see this — again," she whispers, her eyes cast to the ground.
I'm lost between disappointment and compassion, between anger and my will to understand her. I can't remember ever being so torn between different emotions like I am around her and it's driving me crazy. All kinds of feelings seem to shift around inside me, fighting over which one's the strongest.
I decide to push them all away and remind myself of my promise to try to be kind to her. I pinch the root of my nose to think straight, "You can't influence which simulation comes up. Now is neither the right time nor the right place to tell me, but, honestly, I want to know why that fear is still in your head. I thought I told you I was okay with waiting."
The silence stretches between us until I hear her whisper again, "Technically you didn't. You said you didn't have experience in this. You said you wanted to touch me and be touched by me and kiss me. But you didn't mention if you were okay with taking it slow."
Her words ring inside my ears as I try to recall our conversation. Even if I didn't say those words out loud, wasn't it obvious I was implying them?
"We'll talk about that later," I reply.
I know Zeke is working in the control room this morning, but you can never know who else might be there, watching us.
Tris gets up from the chair and leaves the room to wherever it is she's going with a simple, "Okay."
I know we can't show any signs of affection in here, but I wish she would have given me at least a little smile to know we're okay. Instead, her unemotional goodbye leaves me hanging.
I need a moment to prepare for the next initiate, Peter. It would be an understatement to say that I don't like him. After what he, Drew and Al did to Tris, I outright hate him. I wonder to which amount their assault can be blamed for Tris' fear, squeezing my hands into fists as I try to calm my anger at those guys by imagining how Peter will be sitting in front of me soon, sweating and screaming during his fear simulation. I hope it'll be one of the worse ones. Maybe I'll make him go through it twice today. I could say something was wrong with his parameters during the first one. Yeah, actually that's a good idea. Even if he knows I'm just doing it to make him suffer more, he won't dare to tell anyone. The muscles in my arms and hands relax. I stride over to the door, open it and call Peter in. When he gets up from his chair and walks towards me, I welcome him with a cold smile.
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DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.