authors note- if you haven't read Rampage then the rest of Faded isnt gonna make much sense and neither will this chapter. ok bye
It took all my strength to keep me sane. Everything had just crumbled right before my eyes and before I knew it, I was back in the forgotten town I once loved so much.
It hasn't changed. It is still blooming with lush green forest, the streetlights still gave me that faint feeling of nostalgia as they lit up the carefully paved sidewalks. It was always home, always welcoming me so warmly.
As I walked through Adam's Park, my mind drifted to her. Anastasia.
How was it possible that I had not lost just Elena, but Anastasia too? What was it about Zayn that kept them running back to him? Couldn't be his loving ways- everyone knew he wasn't capable of loving anyone. I had witnessed some horrific acts, but what I never witnessed was seeing any inch of remorse from him. Those times often gave me nightmares, I still had some humanity. I was still human. I still felt guilt.
For how long? It was only a matter of time until I was consumed by this burning hatred I felt.
At this point, I owed him nothing. He had done me a kindness by sparing my mother's life and keeping their secrets after he left this place. But I had done more than what I thought he needed. I couldn't pretend that my life was fucked up because of me.
As I walked up the stairs, I turned to take a good look at the street I had once grown up on. It was quiet, some porch lights still flickering, but not a noise could be heard. I fumbled with my keys for a moment and unlocked the door, the creaking noise louder than I expected.
It was well taken care of. It was clean, liveable as ever with new furniture and watered plants. As I shut the door, my mind began to recall every moment that I spent here with Elena.
Reading on the balcony, having breakfast by the fireplace, talking for hours in the living room. Every single room in the house had been carefully kept, it was truthfully in pristine condition, but it was no longer home.
We shared the same delusion- wanting to turn a girl into a ghost. After she disappeared, I never saw her again. Sometimes walking the crowded streets of New York I could almost wish her into existence, hope that by chance a beautiful girl would bump into me and it would be her. It was terrible really, pathetic. I still really loved Elena after everything, I knew she was just a victim of circumstance. It wasn't really her fault that things had happened like they did.
I thought about how she must be, where she was hiding. No one knew her like I did, that's why I knew that she was hiding. I could admit to myself that I was afraid of Zayn, almost everyone that knew him was. I couldn't fathom how afraid she was of him, so much that she had abandoned her possibility of happiness with me for a life of shadows.
It was okay. I couldn't blame her.
And I guess in a way, I couldn't really blame Anastasia either. They were both functioning on fear, though in dark dreams I could see how far gone Anastasia really was. She clung to any slither of affection, found comfort in anyone who treated her with a gentle hand. So much had happened to her and I realized that maybe it was too late to save her, after all, some people can't really be saved.
But one could hope. I lost absolutely nothing by wishing that she found something true in someone that wasn't so cruel.
I knew his game so well. He was charming when he wanted to be, but then a darker side was revealed.
When I would see them together, Zayn and Anastasia, I always wondered how she could love him. After so much cruelty and how he left her with no one, she still wanted to be with him.
I learned the hard way that you cannot mean everything to someone who has nothing to lose.
I sat down in front of the fireplace and took out my cigarettes, a terrible habit I had no control over.
What would I do if I saw her?
The question was always in the back of my mind. I would ask her to stay with me. To give me another chance. It would probably erase every single plan I had, any evil action I wanted to carry out. It would fix my life completely. I would forget about revenge, forget about this terrible life I live. Everything would be as I have pictured it for so long.
That night, I dreamt about her. A dream that I've had many times before, but it always changes, it always gets a little worse when I hear her voice clearer that ever.
"Elena," I call for her at the end of the hall. "Baby, come here."
Her beautiful eyes find me and I feel my chest burst.
I love her. There is nothing else for me except her.
As I walk towards her, she starts to fade away. I try to walk faster, but the hallway is endless. I'm suddenly crying out for her, my cheeks stained with tears. The desperation I feel is bursting through my chest and it wills me to move quickly.
"Elena, it will be safe for you. I won't let him hurt you."
She looks scared and I struggle to breathe. "I had to convince myself that I had no escape. Then you found her and forgot about me, that's why I'm fading away."
She appears so sad, I can hear the shrill sound of glass breaking as she begins to cry.
I wince in physical pain, a sharp stinging in my lungs manages to hinder my movement for a moment.
"I didn't forget about you. I can't forget about you. I'm sorry, please don't hate me. Just give me a chance to explain."
My voice quivers and i'm pleading, but it's just no use.
Gray smoke swirls and dances in the air as if the house is on fire like that night where this whole tragedy began Everything goes dark and the hallway is eerily illuminated. It is a dirty kind of light, but the sudden thin fog makes it hard to breathe. It's like I'm stuck in my own personal hell. This is my nightmare.
As I near, she's gone. I fall to my knees and my hands try to reach up to where she stood, hoping I will find some indication that she stood there once waiting for me.
"Fuck, fuck!" I sobbed, my fists making hard contact with the hardwood floor.
I can still very clearly hear her calling my name but I can't see her anymore. Everything is gone and in a flash, I'm suddenly very empty inside. It's like I've gotten the wind knocked out of me.
I sniffled as I get out of bed and made way to the balcony. The sun is just starting to rise, but it doesn't matter at all. I reach for a pack of cigarettes and try to light it with shaky hands. I saw my Elena, at least briefly, in a nightmare. I was now living in that terrible dream.
I couldn't get myself under control. I let out a strangled sob as I held on to the cigarette, in such disbelief that I couldn't escape reality even in my sleep.
I had been sleeping on her side of the bed. She hasn't been here in years and still, her absence is a presence that always lingers. Sometimes at night, during a quiet prayer, I could almost feel her next to me. All I wanted was to hear that little voice asking --
"Harry, can you hold me?"
I smiled in between tears, remembering all her little quirks I adored. She took forever to say goodnight. It was always goodnight Harry, have nice dreams. I hope you dream something sweet so you wake up happy. I love you.
No one could understand the guilt that I felt. Today, however, it began to get bad again. I felt like an idiot. Is this how Zayn felt when he went to find Anastasia and she wasn't there? Had the roles somehow reversed? Now I had been the one to take someone so precious away, though I swore to myself that my intentions were only good.
More tears continued to fall as memories of Lena loving me flooded my mind. Nothing was wrong between us, we were always in such perfect harmony. I knew her so well. And she truly knew me. Any little secret I had, any bad memories that I had once carefully hidden away had been shared with her.
My mind went in circles, the same thoughts taking turns at putting more poison in the wound.
Elena comforting me. Elena kissing me to sleep. Elena loving me. Loving Elena. The only love I've ever known.
What a monster I've become.
Elena was gone.
My darling, sweet girl was gone.