'Helpless...
A word that ment nothing to me. Nothing at all.
I laughed at the word helpless. Because i never felt anything like that before in my entire life.
There were some ups and downs. I will not deny that. Having ups and downs... that is just something small, that does intend to affect us human beings very intensly! But we get through that because we know it's just temporary and we know it is a part of life.
But feeling helpless? Please... that was something that just didn't exist to me. Not in my world anyway. But then something happened. And i felt helpless.'
Ricky looked into Anne's sad eyes. He really didn't know what to say. He just witnessed the birth of his child. It was a scary experience to see the life being sucked out of Amy. She looked so pale and unhealthy while the baby looked perfect. But witnessing the birth of his child shouldn't have been so scary. He shouldn't have felt that way. It should have been an amazing experience; something he and Amy could both talk about. A shared moment, a shared memory. But it wasn't that at all. Amy didn't know she had the baby. She didn't realize cause she was stuck at being a victim of something that should have never happened. Having an illness that slowly sucked every ounce of life out of her. Sadly, this whole experience was traumatizing.
"Ricky?" Anne shook her head. "Don't tell me... No."
George looked at his feet. "Is she okay?"
Ricky nodded, looking at the floor. His eyes were blank and his face was emotionless.
"She's okay. they're okay."
Anne looked confused. "But that's amazing news!... What's wrong than?"
"Nothing. just... the whole experience was frightening."
A doctor appeared behind Ricky.
"Mrs and Mr. I'm happy to tell you that the delivery went well. Both mother and daughter are doing fine. We just have to run some tests on the baby to see if she's indeed healthy cause she was born to early after all. In cases like this babies don't have everything fully developed. But don't worry everything can be cured and helped."
"That's amazing news doctor." Anne said, smiling. "That's the best news I ever had." George said.
"Ms. Juergens herself is in recovery. She should be in her room in a couple of hours so don't worry."
"Thank you doctor". Anne said.
-
"George?... Anne... You go home, fresh up... She should be in her room later on tonight. You've been here non stop and you deserve to get some rest." Ricky said.
Anne shook her head. "No, I want to be here when Amy gets here. She's going to need her mother."
She looked at George.
"She's going to need both of her parents. & she's going to need you, Ricky. Probably more than anyone right now."
She sighed. "You're the only one who knows what she's feeling, what she's going through. You share that, that... pain with her. But don't try to focus on the bad. Try to focus on the good."
Ricky nodded. "I know, I know."
"Cause Ricky, that baby. That little girl that is my granddaughter, is out there. She's alive. She's okay! She's breathing right now. And she's getting that future we all wished she would have."
Ricky wiped a tear away. This tear felt different from all the other tears he ever had. This tear was filled with the urge of needing to protect his daughter. No matter what it took. He would be the one keeping her save, forever.
"I just been so busy focusing on what could go wrong that I didn't give myself the chance to think about what couldn't go wrong. I was trying to spare myself the heartache to lose a child. That's why... that's why..." He sighed.
"That's why you already started preparing yourself for the worst scenario that could possibly happen to the baby?" Anne asked.
Ricky nodded. "Yes, exactly."
George looked up. "And where is your mother in all of this?"
"What? My parents... They are watching John!"
"I know they are! What kind of grandparent would I be If I didn't know?" He sighed. "I meant your other mother, Nora..."
Ricky looked down. "She texted me earlier. She said she's going to be here tomorrow. There was something going on with work."
"Look... I know we've come a long way. Since the day I got Amy pregnant with John till the day I became a father for the first time & now the second time." He sighed. "I just feel like I need some kind of blessing, knowing you guys are okay with Amy and I being together... if it were to happen?"
"Well, that's an odd question to ask right now." George said, frowning. "But yeah, I'm okay with that. I think it would be better for the both of you if you were to start a relationship. That would be a lot healthier too. You know... for the kids."
Anne shook her head. "It's your life, and Amy's! If she's okay with it and wants to be with you again, I'm not going to stop this. You both are adults now. Especially with everything you both been through this year... or this couple of years." She looked into Ricky's eyes, for the first time in a standpoint where she felt like she was a protective mother towards a daughter she never pushed into doing anything. "But, don't just rush into things. Take things slowly. And please Ricky, don't just be there for her cause you feel guilty. Or you feel like you should be with her because you share 2 kids together... Just don't do it for the wrong reasons. Do it because you love her. Or don't do it at all." Anne smiled. "That's all I have to say about this."
George's look changed and looked at Ricky.
Ricky suddenly felt insecure about this whole moment and how he asked his question. Did they take it the wrong way? Because it felt like they were giving or most specifically not giving him their blessing to marry Amy. But that was not what he meant by his question in the first place. He didn't ask them 'if it was okay to marry Amy.' No, he didn't. Not at all. He just wanted to know if they were okay with him. With him as a person, a father, a love interest for their daughter. But that wasn't the answer he got.
"So do you?" George asked.
"Do I what?" Ricky responded back, wondering.
"Do you love my daughter?"
It felt like Ricky's thoughts were frozen. He couldn't blink, think or just respond to the question. He didn't know what to say. Did he love Amy. Or is this all a big lie, a lie he made up to protect himself. Did he change at all?
"It really is a simple question Ricky." George said, disappointed. "And by the -I'm not giving you an answer- attitude is not going to solve this issue here."
"What issue?" Anne asked, angry. "There is no issue here George. You're starting it!"
"Well..." George said. "I just wanna know if you love my daughter the way a man is supposed to love a woman or if you don't love her but just pretend to?"
"Wait, what?" Ricky asked, shocked. "Do you really think that low of me?"
"No, we don't." Anne said. While she gave George an angry look.
"Let me put this simple. Ricky." He sighed. "I don't mean to offend you in any way. I just want to get this straight. I do deserve that as a father." He sighed. "Are you in love with Amy?"
"You don't need to answer that!" Anne said. Scared that the answer might change everything. And not for the better.
"No. I do want to answer that. I get that. You want what's best for your daughter. You want someone good for her and I get that. Cause I might be damaged and she might be damaged. And I already hurt her a lot. So I get that."
Ricky tried to dig deep in his soul to find that place that made him feel for Amy in the first place. The moment at band camp, 4 years ago lead to all of this. This moment right here. But what happened at band camp wasn't just an accident. He did really feel different for Amy at that moment. He never felt that way towards any of his bed partners. And that scared him, that's why he took his distance from her in the first place. That's why he pretended to not care when she was with Ben. But the truth is, he did care. He cared for her. And it hurted so much. He just thought he wasn't capable of loving someone. Until he learned the love of having a son. Of being someone's father. He learned that kind of love. It was different, but it pushed him into the right way to learn how to love. But the truth is. He felt like he didn't deserve to have Amy. To have her love. He felt like she would be better off without him. Even though deep down he knew he could be the one to make her happy. He was just afraid of hurting her again. But most importantly; confusing their kids. But he was willing to take that risk. Dive into the unknown, and to just see what happens. And in that honest moment he realized he had loved her all along.