The suddenly bolt of bravery that I felt when I was at home wanes by the time I reach the bar. All of a sudden, all the self-doubt I experience on pretty much a daily basis comes flooding back to the surface. I'm overwhelmed with the sense that I'm not good enough, that I'm making a fool out of myself, that I should just go home...this is why I'm still single because I always assume that I'm unlovable.
Come on, Katie, I plead desperately with myself. This isn't just about kissing Ryan, I need to ask him for help too. Just get in there.
Still, I don't feel convinced that I can do it. There's a hot, metallic ball lodged into my throat, but if I don't do it then I'll end up stood out in the cold all night long. Eventually, someone will come out and see me, and the whole thing will be incredibly embarrassing. It'll be better if I just rip off the band-aid, and in I go.
It's Dossie's birthday, I remind myself. I have been invited. No one will be looking at me.
But of course, the moment I push the squeaky door open, every single eye in the place spins around to stare at me.
"Hey, it's Katie!"
"Oh, hey! Katie!"
"Where have you been, Katie?"
The cries burst from everywhere, which makes my face flame and a giggle burst from my chest. I've never been very good with being the center of attention, it makes me feel really weird inside, which is why I don't really do my own birthday.
Luckily everyone is more than a little tipsy already which means I can get away from the limelight with one simple sentence. "Does anyone want a drink?"
All sorts of drink names are yelled at me, none of which I'll remember, which is easily rectified by ordering a round of shots. I know this lot very well. They're always won around by something to make them scream 'wooh!'. I suppose it's because we all have such stressful jobs, it's a way to blow off some steam at the end of the day. And boy do I need that right now!
"What can I get you?" The bored-looking bartender asks.
Clearly, she's not impressed with the way that my colleagues have been behaving because her face falls even further when I answer with, "shot's for everyone please." I wonder what's been going on so far to make it this bad.
I can't stand to look at her angry face as she pours them, so I turn my back to her and scan my eyes over the rest of the place. There's a surprisingly fun-loving vibe in here considering what's going on in the rest of the world. It's almost as if everyone needs to forget about real life today, and I honestly can't say that I blame them.
A slow smile spread across my cheeks as I start to feel that buzz once more. I love the sensation that a night's going to be a good one because it doesn't usually let me down...
Oh. My. God.
My heart freezes, my blood runs ice cold, the smile slides off my lips far quicker than it appeared. The sensation is gone now, all the positivity is gone. I feel like I've been tossed into the middle of a horror film and there's no way out. The walls are closing in on me, I can't breathe, but it's too late for me to find a solution. The credits are already rolling, all hope is lost for me.
I've spotted Ryan, but he isn't alone. He has his lips locked with a raven-haired beauty who definitely isn't Christy...but she isn't me either.
I need to run. No one might know that I've made a fool of myself, but I do. I'm aware of the horrifying feelings creeping through my veins. I'll never be able to relax knowing that I've come here to kiss Ryan, just to see him with someone else.
I need to get out of here.
I'll feign illness or something. Say I got a sickness bug that hit me unexpectedly. I cannot stay, this will be too hard, I already feel like I want to die. Everyone is already drunk anyway, they've probably forgotten that they saw me already.
Just as I pull my bag further up my shoulder and I duck my head down to run, two things happen at once, as if karma is working to bring me down for something terrible I did in a past life.
"Miss, are you going to pay for these drinks?" the bartender asked while clutching onto a large tray. Her furious expression told me that 'no' wasn't an acceptable answer.
Just as I dived into my bag to grab the cash quickly, I felt a rough tap on my shoulder. Feeling flustered and about ready to scream, I span on my heels just to find myself looking into a very familiar pair of eyes.
"Hey, Katie, I'm so glad you came. This is Melanie, my girlfriend."