By Anonymous
~
I had thought through the fifteen years that I have been on this Earth that I was straight. Normal, I guess. I did have a few crushes on some guys through out grade school, but I thought no one would ever like me back. Mostly because I didn't like myself. I thought that I was ugly, fat, stupid. But I did end up with one of my crushes. Let's just call him J. I thought he was cute and sweet. That's what made me like him. So when we started dating I was happy. Until he put his arm around me. I felt awkward and uncomfortable. Like any kind of physical contact was not right. I liked him, but I couldn't do the things that other people, normal people could. It made me feel like I was broken. That I couldn't show affection to the one I liked. We broke up after a week of dating, and when that happened I felt relieved. After we broke up we were still friends.
So as I went onto middle school my self-hate became stronger till I started to use my arms as a canvas. All my physical scars healed, but emotional and mental ones never wavered. In seventh grade my family was going through some stuff which caused me to become more and more distant. I met up with my friends and we became really close, till I found out that one of them liked me.
We will call her N. N had developed a crush on me, so my other friend pressured me into dating her. So I did. And during that time those feelings came back. I couldn't hold her, kiss her, I couldn't make any kind of romantic gesture towards her. And once again I felt like something was wrong with me. Not that it was because I was forced to date N, I wanted to try. It was because doing anything romantic with the person I am with made me feel really uncomfortable. And then after a week of dating I broke up with N because I didn't want her to think I didn't like her, we are still friends to this day.
Then I met someone on here. Let's call her M. M was reading one of my stories and I noticed that she voted for every chapter. I smiled and PM her. I thanked her for the votes and we talked. And after two years of talking we have became great friends. And to her I told her about what had happened with the last two people I tried to date. She listened and she told me something that I thought I would never thought of myself being.
She told me that it seems like I am Aromatic.
Not knowing what it was I looked it up. I read it and I realized that that matches me. So I did more research on more of the LGBTQ+ community and read more up on the different things that popped up. And the other one that seemed to match me was Asexual. That's when I started to question who I was. I asked M and she told me that I could be both.
After more research I came to the conclusion that I am both Aromatic and Asexual. That I am Aroace. And I finally accepted it it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my chest. I felt great. And I am proud of being Aroace. I learned that I am not broken and that I am not the only one. I know this probably didn't help anyone out there that is struggling to find who you are. But I found that it is easier to have some one to talk to. And that they will help you.