Sleep finds me easy, but not so much the dreams. I lie in the darkness, saying nothing, hearing nothing, tastings nothing, smelling nothing, doing nothing, breathing nothing, feeling nothing, seeing nothing, needing nothing, wanting nothing. But black, empty space.
But there are thoughts. Words like Your a killer and You know he's still alive float in my head, yet they hold no emotion. He should know, advises one. Why are you keeping secrets from him? wonders another.
But one stands out, still it holds no emotion.
It's happened once and it will happen again.
* * *
Morning comes as it always has. We leave at noon without speaking a word to anyone, not even each other. We left the building, Julie, Mask, Coe, and me, with our items in our bags in our hands. Within minutes, Coe has the engine running, and before we know it, we're on the road, headed for Jessica's house, and hours travel ahead of us.
It's silent for a while, Julie and Mask asleep in the back seat, Coe focused on the road, me swimming through my thoughts.
It's happened once and it will happen again.
"Hey, uh, Coe?" I mumble, turning away from my window.
"Chris," he corrects.
"Sorry, can I talk to you?"
"Yeah, of course." his hands guide the car to the right, the bug swiftly moving around the corner. "What's on your mind?"
I hesitate at first, but force it out of my throat, the words clumsily tumble out of my mouth. "I know Marks alive."
He jerks the car to a stop at the edge of the intersection, a horn blaring behind us. "What?" his expression becomes immediately distorted, anger, confusion, alarm, and disbelief all blurred into one. A faint yell is heard from behind and we turn our heads to see a guy behind us flicking us off. Coe rolls down the window and turns to holler back, "It's a red light you dumb ass!" he turns away, rolling down the window. He sighs. "Sorry, but what?"
My expression falls and I feel instant regret.
He should know.
He should know.
"Look, I have had some really creepy dreams recently that you need to know about."
He seems to relax slightly, casually directing the car through the intersection as the light switches to green.
"I already know the first one,"
"How?" I stare at him perplexed.
"I don't know exactly how, but -- never mind, you wouldn't believe me."
I stare at him, dumbfounded. "I'm so called, in Amane, I have the Sphere of Azar in my pocket, I lost my memory, and I'm almost certain that Mark is still alive. I'd believe anything at this point."
He sighs heavily. "I had a vision."
"A vision?"
He nods, not daring to take his eyes off the road.
I sit back, turning my eyes back to my window. "Okay, if you say so."
It's silent for a moment.
"But as for the other ones, I don't know."
I don't respond, too occupied swimming around in my mind to focus.
Why are you keeping secrets from him?
"Mel, you okay?"
My eyes flutter as I'm brought back from my personal world of thoughts.
"What? Sorry." I stutter out.
"Besides the one dream with the little girl in the yellow dress, the creepy song, and your grave, what creepy dreams have you had?"
I don't turn to look at him. The dreams lazily hover over me, the memory clear and vivid.
"The second dream was probably the creepiest. I was back in the field sitting in, or better yet, on my grave, but on a beam in the center of a cliff, brutal waves crashing against the rocks below me, threatening to swallow me whole."
"Sounds pleasant." he comments sarcastically.
"Oh, it gets better. They become flames that burst up around me, next to me, yet I don't burn. The second date changes to June 7th, 2051-"
"2051? Damn, that's way in the future."
"I know," my voice is quiet.
"You sure that was the date?"
I nod. "Trust me, it's burned into my mind, even if I wanted to, I couldn't forget it."
"Alright, go on."
I nod. "The fire made a wall between me and the grave stone. I seemed to revolve in a circle, a small black circle in the center. Next thing I know, I'm staring at a red eyes, yet I'm not there, like -- I'm watching behind an unseen source, make sense?"
He nods, guiding the bug around another corner.
"The view widens and soon I'm staring at Mark, shirtless and --"
"Why is he shirtless?" he interrupts on instinct. "Sorry, that was my impulse."
"It's fine, and I don't know. Can I continue?"
"Yeah,"
"Thank you." I turn back to my window. "As I was saying, shirtless and sweaty. His eyes were like flames, red, bright, and burning me almost. I could almost see a mix of emotions, I'll try to remember them all, but I may miss a few. Jealousy, courage," one by one, I list off the emotions I saw within those bright, burning eyes. "Fear, pain, emptiness, remorse, sloth, hope, motivation, vengeance, exhaustion, uncertainty, hopelessness, and determination." I pause, "Oh, and love."
"Love?"
"I know, but I'm positive that there was love there."
"Alright, if you're certain."
"I am." I sigh. "Then the image revolves around and I see me, but not me."
"What?" he sounds unconvinced.
"My eyes were red, and in them I saw souls."
"Souls, as in peoples spirits?"
I nod, "But then they vanished, only leaving one curled up and crying in the back." I pause as that single image floats in my mind. "It was me, and I had stopped trying to get back."
We're silent for a moment.
"Then I woke." I turn to him, and although his eyes are on the road I can tell he know what it means.
"Amane, when two soul that are part of the same body fight for control over the mind, huh?"
I nod. "The third dreams was more so of a vision, two voices in my head arguing with one another. Now that we've had our little vocab lesson, I know they were my souls."
"AH, and I'm assuming there's a fourth."
I nod. "There is. It starts off where I'm falling through my memories with the girl's lullaby in the background. I stood at the end, surrounded by black. The song comes from all around me, faint yet audible. Then off in the distance glows a weak gold light, and in it is the little girl. She starts off slow, but then her speed quickens, skipping to me. That's when I start to get scared. At a foot away she disappears, and I'm trapped in the dark, still I hear her song. Abruptly comes an ascending scale on strings, drowning out her haunting tune, and there she is, standing in front of me with her blood bathed teeth and black eyes."
"That's not scary at all." he comments sarcastically.
"Are yo kidding me? I was even too scared to scream!"
"I am, it actually sounds horrible."
"Oh, it gets better. No joke, I'm almost done. She fades away slowly, and there, alone in the dark, I scream. I have to force my jaw closed in order to stop, the sound echoing. Then I wake up."
"Wow, that's -- interesting."
I nod. He guides the bug onto the highway that's flowing with cars of all types.
You're a killer.
"Oh, and then I had one more last night."
He drifts the car off into the exit, guiding us down and around the circling slope.
"Really? What was it?"
"Well, it sort of was a dream..." I pause as we enter a small town, a soft, warm glow on the buildings from the sun.
"How so?"
"Well, they're were voices, and oddly enough, I didn't see or hear anything, as if I wasn't even really there."
"That's odd, how does that even work?"
"I don't know, but --"
"We're here." he announced, shifting the gear over to park.
I looked over at him with wide eyes. He unbuckled himself and glanced over at me.
"What?"
"Nothing." I unbuckle myself, opening my door.
~
Mask, Julie, Cin, and I made our way up the steps to the front door of the large white building. He ran the doorbell, the single note singing in the inside of the home. We stood in silence while we wait. The door opens and immediately Julie and Mask dart in.
"Hey, we -- wern't expecting you." he sounds slightly annoyed but an alarmed smile is on his face.
"Sorry but it's kind of important, Joe." Cin responds calmly, expression stern.
"Important how?" Jessica chimes in, standing behind Joe. He opens the door wider, Jessica moving next to him.
I turn to her and shoot her a held back smile. "I'm -- in Amane."
"What?"
Joe steps back, gesturing us to enter. "Come in."
Jessica looks over at him, shocked. "What--"
"Trust me." he looks over at her, eyes deep.
She stops herself from speaking in protest when she looks into his eyes. It's silent as they stare at each other.
A minute passes before she speaks again. "Alright, let them in."
~
We sit in the living room, Cin and me on the couch next to each other, Jessica on the floor writing something, Joe on an arm chair sitting forward.
It's silent as we wait for Jessica to stop writing.
"Done!" she proclaims, slapping the pencil down on the table, throwing her arms in the air. Joe smiles. "Here," she slides it towards me. "It's for you."
I lean forward, reluctantly picking up the paper. It read:
amain - adv: with full force or speed.
"What the fuck is this?" I yell
"Let me see," I hand Cin the paper. His eyes scan the small sheet. His expression becomes distorted in confusion as he looks up at Jessica. "What the fuck is this!?"
Jessica folds her arms across her chest and she huffs in disbelief. Clearly she's insulted. "Well, you said you were in amain, but to me that made no sense, so I thought you didn't know what amain was so I wrote it down."
"Jess, you do realize you could have just told us that, night?" Cin obviously knew Jessica well enough to know that screaming at her only makes it worse. I, on the other hand, wasn't so sweet wtih my words.
"Not a-m-a-i-n, you idiot, amane in the way I'm using it is spelled a-m-a-n-e! I may have lost my memory but I'm not stupid!"
It went silent after that. I was sitting on the edge of my seat, leaning forward, face red with impatience. Cin was starring at me with wide, alarmed eyes. He didn't seem to know exactly how to respond. Jessica was starring at me, eyes wide and shinning with the threat of tears, her hands trembling. Joe seemed to glare at me, but I could tell he was, in reality, understanding, and just caught off guard at how I reacted. He slowly leaned forward, resting his hand on her shoulder, and whispered in her ear words I couldn't quite make out. She seemed to relax as he leaned away.
"Oh, so it's like PMSing?" she turned her head towards him, a smile on her face.
I wanted so badly to scream at her in denial, but when I opened my mouth to speak, Cin gently rested his hands on my shoulders and set me back in the seat. "Let Joe handle this." he couched, voice soft and sure. I nod, hesitant at first, at the hinted agreement to calm down.
"Not quite, but I guess in a sense, you're on the right track. It's more like horrible mood swings plus involuntary actions. With time, she will calm down." he smiles kindly.
She returns the smile and hops up off the floor. "Mind if I check on our little pet quartet?"
He shakes his head. "Not at all, my love."
And with that, she merrily skips out off the room.
Joe's smile falls and his expression becomes serious. "You got her?"
Cin nods, expression mirroring his.
It's then I start to feel restrained.
"Cin, please, I'm begging you, let me go."
He looks down at me, eyes confused, then at Joe. He nods and Cin releases his grip on me. I lean away, pulling up my knees and wrapping my arms around them rocking nervously. To make things even worse, everything seems to become blurry. I force my eyes closed to block out the out of focus world. Moans escape my throat occasionally, still I can hear their conversation.
"Will she be okay?"
"She'll be fine, it's only a phase."
"Of Amane?"
You're a killer.
"No, the herbs Mathew gave her."
"Well, is it bad?"
"It'll be over in a minute."
Why are you keeping secrets from him?
"Wait -- what is it anyway?"
"What, the side effect?"
A pause, the only sound my constant moans.
"Well, the herbs are at its peak, but it has to stop for about a minute to reach it. Basically, drop all defenses then raise them again, but stronger."
It's happened once and it will happen again.
"Ah, makes sense."
"I'm back,"
"Hey,"
"Our little quartet is enjoying their lunch and woow, what's wrong with her?"
"It's a phase, I'd rather you just ignore it for my sake."
He should know.
"Huh?"
"It pains me to see her in agony. By talking about it doesn't help me forget about it."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I'll --"
You know he's still alive.
My scream cuts her off at this realization.
"All of them are true, every last one of them!" I scream, still rocking, tears trailing down the side of my face. "I know, I'm scared, there's no use in denying it, I know, I know!" I scream.
"Mel-"
"I know!" I scream again.
He doesn't try to comfort me, just listens to my confession. "I know I'm a killer. I've killed his father once and I've killed him twice. I'm only keeping secrets because I don't want to admit they're true, I'm scared of what will happen. I'm scared of what they mean and everything connected with them. Everything, everything, I can't deny its recurrence. It has happened before, it is now again. I won't even try to deny it, I know it too well to lie willingly, I can't take it, I can't!" I sob, breathing in deeply as the tears come all the more quick. I open my eyes to look at Cin with wide, sorrowful eyes. "And I know you should know, but when I told you on our way here, you acted as if I was crazy or at least that's what I remember. But you should, you need to, I know you need to know, I'm just, hesitant." All of there expressions are a mix of concern and confusion, but I see in Cin's eyes a glint of repent and horror. He knows what I'm talking about. I lower my head again, forcing my eyes closed as the tears continue as the tears continue to flow, my hair hanging loosely in my face. "And I know so well how true that is, and if it's not, then I'm falling apart."
It's silent as I finish.
"Melody, what was that last dream you had?" Cin's voice is soft and gentle, careful not to startle me.
"There were voices." I lifted my head to stare at him, my expression distorted in agony and sorrow, the tears consistent.
"What did they say?" he sounds so calm, yet I can see the tears welling in his eyes.
"You're a killer. Why are you keeping secrets from him. He should know. You know he's still alive." I swallow hard. "It's happened once and it will happen again."
"What has?"
"I have a few theories. The little girl has been in my dreams before, she will be back again. I've seen my grave before, it'll return. Same with me going crazy, my memory-" I begin to shake and I feel as if the whole world is falling apart, everything spinning. Still, I can feel Cin next to me, his arm around me. I close my eyes to stop the spinning.
"It's okay, you don't have to-"
"Mark's come back before, he will come back again." I open my eyes to look at him, his eyes panicked and deep with concern. "I know that Mark's alive." my voice is calmed yet shaking.
He stares at me, a single tear skidding down his cheek. "I believe you."
Jessica speaks after a while. "Wait, how can he be alive? Didn't you say you killed him in-"
"Sh." Cin shushes her sharply.
"No," he looks back at me. "It's okay."
"Are you sure?"
I nod. "I'll be fine." I give him a shy smile and he returns one. He turns back to Jessica.
He's about to speak but Joe cuts him off. "He came back."
"How, it's not-" Jessica
"Kole Fornun, he possess it, my love, as we do."
"What's that?"
A small twinge of pain begins to grow in the back of my mind and I cringe. Cin notices and turns to me. "You okay?" he whispers, scooting closer to me.
My hands automatically go to my head and I groan in agony.
He wraps his arm around me. "Melody, you okay?" He whispers again.
"No," I groan. "Fuck!" I yell
"Melody-"
"Take her to another room." Joe instructs calmly.
"Do you not see her?" Cin stares at him in disbelief.
"Take her to another room." he repeats, now on his feet.
I yell again. "Just -- do what he says!" I groan, forcing my eyes closed as the pain becomes almost unbearable.
He hesitates, but slides his other arm under my knees. "Where to?"
"Jess?"
She nods, standing. Her expression is scared, eyes wide with fear, not knowing what was happening and how to react, though Joe seemed completely relaxed, as if this was first grade math, easy to solve, the solution straight forward and obvious.
Cin stood with me in his arms. I scream as it spreads through my body. I can feel my hands shaking.
"Why does this keep happening to me!?" I cry, the pain so great that tears have begun to flow freely again.
"Jessica!" Cin yells. I can hear his own pain quivering within his voice.
"Over here!" she calls.
Suddenly, the entire world burns away into complete darkness. Voices, there are voices, but non belonging to those of the real world, those belonging to me.
"Shut -- it -- up!" one screams.
"You thinks it's bad in there? My ears are bleeding!"
"You don't have any ears!"
"Well if I had any, they would be!"
It's then I hear the constant high C ringing, it's pitch loud and blaring, painful to even hear.
"See, if I were in control, this wouldn't even be an issue!"
"It's not my fault!"
"Then who's is it?"
"No one!"
"Don't be an idiot, someone had to cause this unnecessary ringing!"
"It's ringing for us, intolerable pain for her."
"Then stop it!"
"That is not in my control."
"You're just saying that to piss me off!"
"Oh really? If I could stop it, wouldn't I already have done that by now seeing as how much I hate this ringing?"
"I don't know, maybe?"
"And what good would pissing you off do?"
"Again, I don't know!"
"Then stop blaming me!"
"Well, I need to blame someone!"
"Says who?"
"Says my instincts!"
"Well shut them up."
"No, if you haven't noticed already, I work off my instincts."
"And look where you got, you're-"
"In a box."
"It's called a-"
"Soul barrier, I know, I'm not a dumb ass."
"Well, you're sure as hell acting like one right now."
"Hey, shut up, I've been a really supportive soul for quite some time. You do realize that I could be a lot worse, right?"
"Yes, I realize that now, I'm sorry I yelled."
"Okay, we're all good but she's not!"
"Since when do you care about her?"
"Think about it, if she dies, we die, get the point?"
"Yes, and again, I can't."
"Well, how do we stop it?"
"First off, what is it?"
"Uh - herbs?"
"Nah, it's at its peak."
"So, it's not amane."
"Can't be, the herb wouldn't allow it."
"Fuck, uh -- a memory?"
All is silent, absent of the high ringing.
"That's it, a memory?"
"I'm assuming it's a long one."
"No, the length of the memory doesn't determine the length and intensity of the pain, or for us, the ringing. It's the intensity of the memory that determines it."
"Wait -- I remember something."
A pause, the ringing consistent.
"Well, what is it?"
"Oh sorry, I was day dreaming."
"Well, stop and tell me, dammit!"
"Okay, okay, she-eesh, calm down. Maybe she's not getting a memory at all."
"Well, what else could it be?"
"It's called a Roke."
"A Roke? What the fuck is that?"
"It's basically a memory of a different person. One receives it through a Tumb-Gee, an unseen connection between two souls of different bodies that prevents them to part, even in death."
The world begins to return to me, my eyelids flutter open. I don't need to even direct my vision away from the ceiling to know where I am. The walls around me are pale, the floors a brownish tan. I'm on a master bed, Julie sleeping in a ball by my feet, Mask to my left. I'm in the guest bedroom at Jessica's house.
But the vision of the room fades away as the door creeks open. My head rolls over towards the door to find Crell - there I go again - standing at the door in a grey long sleeved shirt and baggy faded blue jeans held up by a black belt.
"Hey," his eyes shine with sorrow, a shy smile on his face.
"Hey," I sit up, resting my back on the head rest.
"How you feeling?" he asks wearily, walking over to me.
"I'd feel a lot better if I hadn't freaked out like that."
He sits down on the side of the bed by me, resting his hand on the blankets. "It wasn't your fault, you know."
I shrug. "Still."
Our attention turns to the open door. Jessica is backing up, walking towards the kitchen counter. Joe is walking towards her, a smile on both of their faces. She shrieks as she bumps into it and he stops walking, only for a moment. After a moment of hesitation, his hands are on the side of her head, -odd, I know- her arms curling around to his back as they happily make out in the kitchen.
Crell purposefully coughs, trying to get their attention, to no prevail of course.
"Guys!" I yell. They stop immediately, their heads turned to us.
"What?" Joe asks in his clueless voice. He's back to his original absent minded self. I never thought I'd miss the serious side of him so much.
"Is something wrong?" Jessica chimes, her voice sweet and innocent.
We both stare at them with disturbed expressions.
"Uh -- yes!" I comment
"Well what is it?" she asks, resting her head against Joe.
"You," I respond with a wry tone to my voice.
"Just keep the PDA to a low, please." Crell keeps his voice calm.
"Waz that?" Joe stares at us blankly, confusion written all over his face.
"Public display of affection," I seem to sound even more annoyed than before.
"Oh - sorry," Jessica steps away from Joe, towards us. She obviously seems genuinely sorry.
"It's fine just - please," Crell
Joe seems so lost in all of this that he just walks away. Jessica makes her way towards us, sitting in a chair by the bed.
"So, how did you sleep?" her voice is cheerful, full of life.
"Like I told Crell,"
"Chris," he corrects
I ignore him and continue. "I'd feel a lot better if I hadn't freaked out yesterday."
"You know it wasn't your fault." he rests his hand on mine.
"I know, but still." I give him a half smile.
"What happened yesterday, anyway?"
We exchange a look of remorse. He sighs heavily. "She's in Amane."
"What is that?" she asks clueless.
I sigh before climbing out from under the blankets. I crawl over to Crell, resting my head on his shoulder, curling in his lap. His arms go around me. I let him explain.
"Melody has two souls-"
"What? Only one soul per body, read the label."
I look at her confused. "What label?"
"Oh, sorry, inside thing with me and Joe."
"Jess, this is kind of important." Crell
"Oh, okay, go on."
"Well, like I said, she has two souls. Thing is, only one can direct the mind at a time, so one has to be locked away in a place called a soul barrier. The soul inside can't leave."
"So it's like a jail?"
He nods. "Thing is, the soul inside the soul barrier is trying to get out."
"Is that possible?"
"In all honesty, I don't think so, but listening to Renee and Mathew makes me worry. Apparently, it can. I don't know exactly how it works, but basically, Amane is a term for when two souls that are part of the same body fight for control over the mind."
The next hour or so is used explaining to Jessica about me being in Amane and such. It's all, in my opinion, a large waste of our time.
* * *
Crell leaves the room at about one in the afternoon, leaving me and Jessica.
"So, what's the whole deal with Mark?"
I sigh, hugging my knees. "I thought he was dead, too, but after everything that has happened recently, I'm having second thoughts."
She tilts her head, curious. "Like what?"
"Well, for starters, when I looked in the mirror, I had chocolate brown eyes."
She inhaled sharply. "You don't have chocolate brown eyes!" I nod and she gasps again. "Mark has chocolate brown eyes though!" I nod again. When dealing with Jessica, one must be patient. Thankfully, unlike last night, I hold that patience now.
"Exactly."
"Wait, so he's inside you?"
I shake my head. "That's what Crell said, but I know that's not the case."
"First of all, it's Chris," she gave off this weird laugh, the emotion it held a mix confusion, doubt and shame. "Second." Her expression fell serious. "How can you be sure it's not true."
"First, that doesn't really matter to me now. Second," I stop mid sentence. Did I even have a logical reason for denying it? "I don't know, I just do." I look down at the floor.
She's silent for a moment. "Well, what is the case then?"
I look up at her. "I think he's watching me."
Instead of shocked, she seems confused. "How do you get to that?"
I sigh, returning my gaze to the floor. "He's alive, I know it. When I Iooked into the mirror, they weren't my eyes, it was his. It was like he was behind the mirror, staring at me through it. I don't know how to explain it any other way, but somehow, I know I'm right."
It's silent for a long while.
Then it hits me.
"Is it weird that I've been hearing voices?"
"Like what do you mean?"
"Remember how I have two souls?"
"Yeah, what of it?" she leans froward, eyes wide with curiosity.
"Well, I could be wrong, but I think I've been hearing them talking to each other."
"Aren't you in amane?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, doesn't that mean your two souls hate each other?"
"There's no rule that stresses that, as far as I know."
She sits back in her seat. "Well, what did they say?"
"Well, the last time, I think last night, I heard them. I remember hearing this annoying, high pitched ringing. I remember the two sides were arguing, trying to stop it. The goal ended up changing to what caused it. They said it wasn't herbs and it wasn't having to do with amane. At first, they thought it was a memory returning, but then one mentioned something called a Roke."
"Roke?" she seems deep in thought all of a sudden.
"Yeah, a memory of a different person."
"Roke."
I stare at her suspiciously. "You okay?"
"Yeah, it just seems familiar." She returns to her previous gentle, curious expression. "It'll come to me eventually. What else happened?"
I'm still a little suspicious but I cast it aside as she had. "They also mentioned something called a Tumb-Gee, and unseen connection between two souls of different bodies that prevents them to part, even in death."
"Okay, Roke and Tumb-Gee, why do these sound so familiar?"
I shrug. "Don't know, but-"
"Antiquis Literature!" she proclaims eagerly, standing up abruptly.
"What?" I stare at her, befuddled.
"Antiquis Literature, it's Latin for Ancient Literature."
"Okay, why are you telling me this?"
"Because, I saw those two terms in there."
"And...?" I still was not understanding where she was going with this.
"And, I read something else under it!"
"Wait, you know Latin?
She shrugs, a smile on her face, "Yeah, a little."
"How did you learn it? It's been a dead language for years!"
"Don't know really, I just sort of, knew it."
"You bilingual bitch,"
She laughed. "Thanks," she sat down. "But anyways, under that section, I read it usually interconnects with the theory of soul mates." She begins to smile widely, eyes wide with giddiness.
"I don't know what you're getting at." I lowered my knees caustiously. I had a feeling I wasn't going to like her response.
"Marks your soul mate!"