Holy moly moly. Over 100 views?? People are actually reading this?? And following along? Holy crap. THANK YOU SO MUCH. THIS IS LEGIT SO EXCITING FOR ME HOT DAMN. Thank you guys SO, SO, SO MUCH for reading and keeping up with my bumbling along and all of your patience with me.
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I've started another story and I'm probably going to start posting it soon after this one. I'll post a link when it's up.
I'm sorry I took so long with my vacation- but there's something in this chapter that might make you forgive me. Thanks, guys! - Paige
Sam snorted. "Empathy. Yeah right." He walked back to the counter and turned around with the needle and thread in one hand accompanied by Dean's whiskey in the other . His face was filled with apprehension. He really did not feel like doing this. He swallowed and looked back at Casey. "Okay, Case. Let's get this over with, okay?" It took one sweep across his face to see he was entirely perturbed by everything that was going on.
Casey could feel her every system in her body begin to work itself up, heart, lungs, brain. Even her nervous system was on edge. She became hyper aware of everything in the small bathroom, the cracks in the linoleum and the growing mildew on the ceiling glared at her. Her shoulders and back straightened up and she braced herself into the ceramic edge under her. She looked between her two brothers. They both had unsettlingly kind looks on their faces, Sam's remorseful and Dean's painted with a sympathetic smile. She shot a quick glance at the door, even though she knew there was no possible way she'd be able to escape she couldn't help but feel a tiny amount of hope. Maybe she could act like she was okay so Dean would let go of her and then dive around Sam and bolt out the door. The likelihood of her plan working was slim to none. What would probably happen is she would go to dive around Sam, but Dean would catch her foot and send her splaying into the ground, probably ending with a split lip.
"It's not going to work and you know it, Casey." Sam's warning pulled her back into reality. She looked back up at him, his face still contrite.
Dean squeezed her knee. When she looked back at him there was only worry and love in his eyes this time. "It'll be alright, kiddo. We got you. You're safe," he promised.
She looked up at Dean. "This is gonna hurt like a bitch, isn't it, D?"
"Hey!"
"You gave her whiskey, Dean. You have no room to be mad about her saying bitch. She grew up around you, remember?" Sam interjected, putting Dean's argument to a halt. He looked at Casey. "Yeah. It is gonna hurt like a bitch. I can't lie about that. But the sooner we start the sooner it's done and you won't have to deal with this horrifying anxiety anymore because it'll be over."
"It's not so hard to just invest in some Vicodin, guys," Casey muttered, staring at the floor.
"No, but it is illegal," Sam pointed out. She looked up and raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, okay, but we've never messed with drugs."
"No? Only guns and credit card fraud and impersonating God knows how many professions, then?" she said innocently.
"Got that right, sweetheart." Dean bumped her knee with his and gave her a knowing wink. Dean's winks were always comforting. Usually they were followed with a little mayhem, but they were filled with love, and for that she was thankful. "I did have a thought though," Dean continued. "If you wanted, we don't have to, but if you wanted we could just call Cas and have him heal you up."
Casey shook her head quickly. Out of everybody she knew, Castiel was easily the last person, well, being she wanted to find out about this. It was tempting, but she knew the angel wouldn't be able to understand and she didn't want to sit through attempting to explain to him how something that hurt so bad somehow made her feel better. She already couldn't understand it herself. Making Dean get it was going to be a feat in and of itself, she didn't need to add Cas to the list. "I'd rather just do this," she mumbled.
Dean squeezed her knee again. "Sounds good, kid." He regarded her with a face full of pride before looking up at his brother. "Sammy?" He stuck his hand out and Sam returned the whiskey back to him. Dean unscrewed the cap with his same hand and took a long swig. It was about to be a long night, there was nothing saying he couldn't catch a little buzz along with it.
Sam sat on the toilet in front of Casey, trying to hide the needle as much as possible.
He smiled softly at her. "Can I see your arm, please?" He held out his hand and waited for her. Casey's eyes grew wide and she shot an alarmed look at Dean, who was busy placing the open bottle at Sam's feet.
"It'll be okay, kiddo," he assured her and kissed the side of her head, a gesture that seemed to be happening a lot lately. She didn't look convinced.
"We're only doing this because we don't want things to get out of hand," Sam added. "We love you a lot, Case, and we don't want you hurting more than you already are." Casey looked down at his large palm, politely waiting for her's to join. It didn't look so menacing attached to her brother, it was the contents of his other hand that made her squirm. She looked back up a Sam and Sam smiled, when she looked back at Dean he gave the same look. They were her brothers. No matter how much this was going to suck, they would never hurt her intentionally. She sent a silent prayer up to whoever and set her hand in Sam's, her fingers shaking gently. Sam beamed at her. "Thanks, sweetie." He placed her hand on his knee, picked up the whiskey, and took a deep breath. "Ready, Case?" She bit her lip and nodded. She squeezed Dean's knee tightly, digging her nails into his leg, although he didn't seem to mind. Sam took a slow breath and held it while he turned over her arm and poured a generous amount over his little sister's arm.
She gasped and yanked her hand back. "What the fuck, Sam?" She clutched her arm to her chest, hoping the burning would go away. She knew it was going to hurt but she didn't think he was about to light her arm on fire like that. "Ow, Sam. Ow, big time ow." Dean moved his arm to wrap around her shoulders. Partially to comfort her, but also to help Sam out too.
"Okay, I know that hurts really bad, but I just gotta hit it one more time, Case," Sam pleaded.
"Hell no, Sam. Hell no. You are not doing that again." Casey clutched her arm and glared at her brother. How could he even expect her to say yes to that? Calling Castiel was beginning to sound more attractive to her.
It was Dean who spoke next. "Hey. You gotta get that cleaned out. Sam's just doing it the easiest way possible. Just another splash, kiddo. Probably not even a full shot." She looked up at her oldest brother, reading the sincerity in his eyes. "Will you just let us fix this? Please?" Casey bit her lip and placed her hand back on Sam's lap.
"Can you please just go fast?" Sam nodded. Casey pinched her eyes shut and prepared for the worst. She wasn't surprised with the next flash of pain, but it didn't make it any easier to deal with. She pushed her face into Dean's shoulder and groaned. He hadn't lied though, Sam couldn't have poured for more than a second before screwing the top back on again.
He let out a breath. "You did really well, Casey. Thank you."
Casey didn't uncover her face before mumbling, "Just go, please." She pushed her arm adamantly toward Sam, urging him on. She knew that if they took a break she would never gain her momentum back, he would also need to sterilize her when they started again. The faster they started the faster they'd be done.
Sam gave one firm jerk of his head and looked down at her arm. He hesitated. How could someone so precious do something like this to themselves? Her arm was literally gaping and the only monster that did that to her was inside her own skull. And there were no tricks, hexes, or rituals that could get rid of it. He analyzed her arm and realized that he knew they would need to call Castiel. There was no way Casey would be able to sit through all four of these. They were deep and long, each one needing at least ten stitches. She'd never been stitched up either. They were going to need to call Cas and Casey would not be happy about that in the least bit. Sam supposed, though, that he could work on her until she made the call. Then there wouldn't be any more trust broken between them today.
"Sam?" Casey pressed, her voice several octaves higher than usual. She pulled Sam out of his head, although he didn't look up. He bit his lip and his brow furrowed together. He looked nearly as scared as she felt. Casey looked back at Dean, but he was focused on Sammy. She looked back at Sam, just in time to watch him push the needle through her mangled skin.
Casey cried out, but managed to leave her arm still. "Sorry, sorry," Sam mumbled in a rush. He didn't waste any time before pulling the thread tight and piercing through the other side. Casey whimpered.
"Sammy," she whimpered. Sam didn't look up though, he just kept working. He wanted to finish her up as quickly as possible. The next few stabs were punctuated with gasps and yelps that escalated in intensity. He was almost done with the first cut when she finally began crying. "Sammy," she wailed. "Sam, it hurts." She'd been waiting to become accustomed to the pain, but as her skin swelled more and more and the stab only got worse. As Sam tied off the end of her sutures, Dean's grasp around her relaxed some. Casey was grateful for the ability to breathe slightly more and unclenched some of the muscles she'd been holding tight. She knew there were three more, but she couldn't help but feel relieved that one was finished.
Then Sam picked up the handle of whiskey again and ruined every ounce of peace she'd been so happy to find.
Casey pushed herself up against Dean's side. "No! You are not doing that again! No, Sam!"
"Casey, come on," he asked. He tried using his puppy eyes, but Casey would not bite.
"No. No way. Nope." She looked at Dean, hoping he'd back her up, and was horrified when his face was filled with sympathy. He pulled his arm around her tighter, but this time Casey could tell it was to keep her still for Sammy than to make her feel safe. She began to panic. She didn't know what to do. He'd just poked how many new holes into her? New wounds for the alcohol to burn, on top of the old ones. She couldn't deal with that after every cut was patched up again. She had no options. "Cas. Call Cas. You can't do that, Sam. Dean, call Castiel." Casey gripped the tub. Sam wouldn't have to hurt her now, but the anxiety of the angel being privy to her craziness made her stomach flip. Dean could see it on her face. There was no color in her cheeks. He grabbed her free hand.
"Cas can help you. He might not understand, but he'll help anyways." Dean smiled down at her. Castiel would never understand, there was no 'might' about it. Dean was planning on taking care of that, though. He wouldn't make his baby sister have to try and explain herself. She was in a vulnerable state, Dean didn't see any reason to add to that. "I'll explain what's going on to Cas. I'll try to keep it to a bare minimum. Lying to him is pointless, but that doesn't mean he has to know everything."
Casey sighed. None of this was ideal. She supposed, though, that she did bring it on herself. She deserved every last moment of this torture. What was she even thinking? Who cuts themselves? What kind of freak even does something like that? Nobody sane, she was sure. She couldn't even mutilate herself right. God, what an idiot. I can't believe I got caught. Just another failure. I'm such a screw up. I don't even know how Dean and Sam can even stand to be in the same room as me right now. I cause more trouble than I'm worth. They could be out killing monsters and demons and saving lives, but instead they're stuck in this stupid hotel with stupid me, who can't even get stupid stitches like an adult. Now Castiel is going to be sucked into my mess too. God, I can't believe I'm so stupid. Dad would be so pissed right now. Cas is gonna be pissed too. I don't deserve help. I deserve pain. I deserve-
"No, you do not deserve pain," interrupted a deep voice. Casey looked up to see Castiel standing in the doorway. His head was cocked to the side and he was confused. "I don't understand why you think you deserve pain. Or all of those other things you think about yourself." He looked at the arm you were holding to your chest. "May I see, please?" Castiel's tone had no malice or judgement in it. He only sounded confused. He didn't hide his emotions particularly well, if he even tried at all, which wasn't very often.
Casey hesitated before whispering, "You shouldn't read minds without permission, Castiel." She looked down. He'd announced her private thoughts directly to her brothers.
"You're injured and nobody said how. I decided to find out myself."
"You could've waited." Casey's voice became even lower.
"I didn't want to. I saw you were wounded and became worried, so I looked. Why would you hurt yourself though? Don't you understand how special you are?" Cas looked frustrated, his frown deepening and his head tilting the other direction. He took a step toward Casey. She pushed herself closer to Dean, nervous about the angel's intention. "You don't need to be afraid of me. I'm not going to hurt you. You are one of my greatest friends. I won't hurt you, Cassandra." Casey looked back up at him. "Why did you hurt yourself?" he pressed.
She took a long inhale. "I just can't do anything right. I hate myself. I can hardly even look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted. Not even just physically either. I'm disgusted with everything I think or do or say. I'm annoying. I make people uncomfortable, I can see it in their eyes. I'm more trouble than I'm worth, Castiel. For all the time I waste people die. I deserve this. And then I see what I've done to myself and become even more horrified at me. I'm a waste of breathing space, Cas. I deserve every single scar on my body. There will never be enough. I will never be enough." By the time she was finished speaking her voice was nearly inaudible. She looked at her brothers. Sam's eyes were full puppy-dog. Dean just looked angry. She couldn't read Castiel's face.
"Casey, none of what you said holds any truth. If you weren't taking up this 'breathing space', somebody else would, and I can assure you they would be of far less import to this world than you are. You do not deserve pain. You deserve happiness. That's why there is a Heaven, for people like you and your brothers to go to when the time is right. You are enough for your brothers and my father, which already makes you enough for me if I didn't already care so much for you to begin with. You don't deserve any more pain than the world has already inflicted upon you." Castiel spoke like it was the simplest thing in the world. And, to him, it was. Casey was nice, helped people when she could, loved deeply, and had a good heart. That was more than enough for Castiel to believe someone didn't deserve pain. Humans had so much distaste for themselves. The bible said that God loved them. Wasn't that enough proof that one should love themselves? Their Bible did get a lot wrong, but there was still some right in it too.