LEXI
Every fiber in my body regretted leaving Gab because being away from her is the last thing I would want, but I had no choice, I had to. She was sleeping peacefully in her room and how I wanted to curl beside her and fall asleep in her arms. I guess her body shut down because of too much stress and exhaustion. There were so many things going through her poor mind and she can't even decide which to sort out first. But the haunting question is, is she even willing to?
Gab and I are similarly stuck in this regretful situation but unlike me, Gab refuses to accept the fact. I'm not rushing her though because I know this is a life changing revelation. You can't expect anyone to fully accept this overnight and say, yeah I'm good or I'm fine, it's cool. No, time plays a vital part in healing, in acceptance and I wouldn't want to rush her. Gab is badly wounded, she felt betrayed and she feels like she's a stranger to her own self now. I guess she's hurting so much over the things that could have been, but right now it's really pointless because it's in the past. It's something we can't do anything about. But Gab is the type of person that resorts to running away whenever her problems are right in front of her, preparing to smother her. Her best option was always to run and escape. Sadly, right now I guess that's just what she's doing.
It's been 2 weeks since we found out that we're Sullivan's children; that we're sisters. Mr. Ervy or shall I say dad? It's still not sinking in my head though. Mr. Ervy told me to take some time off from work, reel things up and maybe find a way to avoid Gab. Few days after that night in Gab's house, Mr. Ervy asked me to come over to talk. He asked me how I was, if I was doing fine and he also asked me about my relationship with Gab. I replayed the scenes in my head.
˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜
"I know it must have been very hard for you and I'm so sorry that you ended up in this predicament. I'm just worried about Gab because she is not taking this.."
He trailed off as he tried to search for words that would describe Gab.
"Gab is devastated Lexi"
I let him continue as I watch his eyes grew worried. His eyes were like Gab, but Gab's green were of a darker shade than his. It's weird how I find myself asking if he was really my father, because obviously I couldn't find any trace that I am his child.
"But she needs to go through this for her to accept that what you had is over. You can never go back to how you used to be"
That gnawing pain in my stomach has reached its way through my heart, ripping it open, tearing everything apart and I was so helpless. I sat there almost numb looking into my supposed father's eyes.
"I know"
"Lexi, what I'd be asking from you might be too much but it is for the better"
"What do you mean?"
"I would love to see you guys deeply bonded because you're my children. Any father would want to see her kids get along, but right now I think its best that you avoid Gab. Make her believe that you don't feel anything other than sisterly love for her. It would be best not to return her affection towards you. It would hurt her for sure but I know she'll understand one day"
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I went out from his study, a part of me wounded and bleeding. Mr. Ervy has asked me so much and I don't know if I'll be able to do it because partly, I hate avoiding her nor pushing her away. I tried to but I always lose the battle when it comes to Gab.
When I decided to put my guards down and let Gab inside my heart, inside my life, I swore that there will never be a day that I'll make her feel unloved. Loving her changed me entirely, but I loved this version of me, this is my happiest. My happiest "me" was when I am with her and the thought of finally giving her up just breaks my heart. I fear that I would return to the cold and stiff version of myself, the one that lacks life in it. Gab's warm personality melted my icy exterior and without her, I am too scared to go back to what I was before meeting her.
I was fine even before I met her. I can say I had a life though it was dull and lacks color. I smiled when I felt I needed to and I can say I was happy. But everything changed when I let Gab into my life. She revealed a part of me that even I myself wasn't acquainted to. My smiles were frequent, my laughter was genuine, my mood became lighter and I always look at the brighter side of life. I felt safer, I felt secured.
I felt how it is to actually live.
+++
I was in downtown Chicago picking some stuff in the mall when I decided to drop by a diner. I was hungry and I had an ample time to kill. I went inside and found a spot quite secluded from the crowd. The past days had been hard for me, I avoided people and engaging in conversation was something I have to force upon myself. I was thankful for the time Mr. Ervy offered me because it had given me time for myself to think things through and hopefully absorb the reality that I had a father. Gab did not take this whole avoiding thing too well and I did not too, but I had no choice. I had to be strong and so I tried moving on.
She sends me text messages almost every day, asking how I was and she tells me that she misses me badly and if it's possible for us to meet up and talk. I appreciate that she never bombarded me with calls or text messages. She understood that I too was grieving over this unfortunate twist of events and it only makes me miss her more. Avoiding her was harder than expected, not to mention my house is just across hers. There were days that I'd caught her waiting on my curb late at night, and instead of stopping, I'd sped away and leave. She'd send me text messages asking me where I was headed because it was already late, sometimes I'd reply telling her I forgot something at the office and there were nights that I wouldn't. It went like that for two weeks and I don't know if I can go on.
I saw her yesterday morning, it seemed like she just went back from a party or something, I don't really know. She looks pale and the usual glow in her face was gone. Her eyes were dull and she looks troubled. I looked away not bearing the sight I am seeing. If I can just do something about this, I definitely would. But I am as helpless as Gab is, there's nothing that I can do.
The waiter went away with my order and I fumbled through my phone to check on messages. My heart still races every time I get a message from Gab which is almost every day. But surprisingly today, she hasn't texted me.
"Lexi?"
I peered over the man standing few inches from my table.
"Bastienne!"
I stood up from my table and gave him a hug. I was surprised how delighted I was to see him. It's been a while since the last time we saw each other. The Wilford land project was put on hold due to some issues around other land but Mr. Wilford already promised his land to me.
"Wow, I'm happy to see you. Are you alone?"
"Yes, I just dropped by because I was too hungry. Where's Mr. Wilford?"
I was worried about him when we were in New York so now was the best time to ask his son about him.
"He's okay. We moved back to our house a few weeks ago and everything's pretty fine"
"Does he miss his farm?"
He narrowed his gaze and shook his head.
"No, I don't think so"
I find it weird for Bastienne to say it because I really thought giving up his land was the one straining him, causing sadness in his eyes. So it is really surprising to know that he doesn't miss the land.
"Um, would you mind if I join you for lunch?"
"I was gonna ask you the same Bastienne"
We talked our way through dinner and Bastienne reminded me of Mr. Wilford's birthday which will be 2 months.
"It's nothing fancy, just few of his friends and you"
I still feel odd that Mr. Wilford invited me to his birthday because up until now, I was barely a stranger to him. Then I remembered him asking me to bring Gab along because he wanted to meet her, but right now, I don't even think it's possible.
"I'll go.. alone"
He shot me a look as he placed his fork and knife down on his plate. His expression turned stern but his eyes were soft.
"What happened to Gab?"
When I did not answer, he let out a sigh and reached my hand over the table.
"Oh, I'm sorry Lexi. Ever since when?"
My gaze remained on my plate as I fought back the tears threatening to burst from my eyes.
"Few weeks ago"
Bastienne remained silent and it was kind of him not to pry. I don't even know if I was ready to tell anyone about us. When we were done, Bastienne asked me to come over their house and told me that Mr. Wilford would be delighted to see me. And since I had nothing else to do and this was an opportunity to get distracted, I took his offer.
Being with Bastienne and Greg was like an escape to my now chaotic world. The old man was very delighted to see me. I saw how his face lit up at the sight of me and just like before it made my heart ache, but in a good way. I would love seeing more of his smiles, and I wonder how will it feel hearing his laughter.
We talked the entire afternoon because Greg has so much to tell us. He was very energetic and he seemed relaxed and he was so happy. Bastienne and his dad played chess and Greg always beat his ass telling him there would never be a day that he will beat his dad. We'll all laugh and for the first time in weeks, I was again happy, not totally but I can say that it somehow made a difference. I stayed until dinner and Bastienne and I cooked together. He was good at the kitchen and I remembered Gab when she tried to cook for me one breakfast.
I felt my heart dropped in my stomach at the realization that it might be the last time she'll do that for me. I pushed the thought at the back of my mind almost immediately because so far I was going okay in trying to forget her, being with the Wilfords helped a lot.
When dinner was over Bastienne excused himself for a bit to tuck Greg to bed. I bid him goodbye and I was so relieved to see his eyes gleam in joy. I promised to come back another time and I'd be the one to beat him in chess. His laughed echoed the room and it sent strange warmth in my heart.
"Dad is already asleep. He had so much fun tonight Lexi, thanks to you"
"Nah, I had so much fun too. Somehow I manage to forget about Gab"
Bastienne walked me out of their house and before I could climb inside my car, he reached for my hand and I saw a deep concern in his eyes.
"Lexi, it's stupid to say that I know what you're going through because the truth is, I had no idea. Hell I don't even have a clue what it feels after a break up. Not a fan of relationships here. But anyway, I might not know your pain but obviously, this whole thing going on between you and Gab is taking its toll on you. Look at you, your eyes says it all. Come here"
Bastienne gave me a hug and I never thought it would be so comforting. I find it strange that somehow through my work, I developed a deep friendship with him and oddly with his father.
"If it makes you feel any better, our home is always welcome for you, okay?"
I found his offer appealing and I promise to keep in touch. Days went by and I spent most of my time with the Wilfords and it was reassuring to know that they enjoyed my company too. At first I thought that I'd be nothing but a burden to them but thankfully, they made me feel so welcome. Some afternoons we'd stroll at the park nearby their home and Bastienne and I would have this kitchen battle afterwards wherein we'd prepare something and we'd ask Greg to be the judge. Of course, I'd always win. If there's one thing I was losing, it would be Gab. I haven't seen her in weeks. Let's just say that I came very good at hiding. Mr. Ervy would invite me once in a while over dinner or lunch but it will only be the both of us. I asked him how Gab was doing and from the look on his face I know Gab was not doing well.
"Gab is struggling Lexi. It breaks my heart to see one of my children suffer but I can't do anything about it"
I recalled him telling me how Gab was, one time while having dinner. I was so worried about Gab and there were nights that I was so tempted to come and check on her. But I remained firm and I always remember what Mr. Ervy asked me to. I'd spent my nights crying at how things work out with Gab and I. How this world was so unfair. We met at an expected time and I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would fall for her but one day, I just did. We were happy; we were okay until that night, the night that change everything. And look at us now, the thought is just depressing.
+++++
It's Saturday and I am getting ready to head out. Its Bastienne's birthday and we'll be spending it by the beach. I was extremely excited because it's been ages since I felt sand on my toes. I can barely remember how it felt. I locked up my house and decided to wait for Bastenne outside. He told me that he's on his way to my house already. When I turned around, my gaze met a pair of dark green eyes. They were dull, lifeless and the bags under it were disturbing. Does she even sleep?
"Gab"
I did not expect to see her because for the past weeks, her attempts on talking to me became less frequent so I thought that maybe she was doing fine somehow.
"Lexi, are you avoiding me?"
"Gab no, I am just busy"
"With what? I know you've been out at work. I just want us to talk"
She took a step closer and my initial reaction was supposedly to step back but instead I froze. I felt my body tremble at the sight of her. It looks like she hasn't been eating and sleeping. The bags in her eyes made her look old and so were her prominent cheek bones. She looks nothing like the Gab I knew. It was like life was pulled out from her body.
"What is there to talk about?"
My hands were shaking and I know that holding her would make it stop but I didn't. I remembered Mr. Ervy, our father. I decided to remain firm.
"Lexi, about us. Why do I feel like it's just me who's deeply affected by this? Lexi, losing you has crippled me. I need you back in my life. I love you"
She moved closer but this time I managed to step back. She watched me curiously, her eyes filled with so much pain.
"Gab. I was affected too but.."
"Was? You mean you've gone past it?"
I saw her jaw tighten and she opened her mouth to speak again.
"Wow"
She shook her head letting out a sarcastic laugh.
"How did you do it? Can you please tell me, because I don't think I'll ever forget you"
She moved closer with both her hands on my arms. Her touch made my skin tingle and just like every time, it makes my heart pick up its pace. Tears began streaming down her face and I fought so hard to look unfazed, because if I do, she'd think that I still feel the same way about her and it will only complicate things even more. I can say I've gone far, at least. I am coping.
"Lexi, I love you. Can't you understand that? I'm in love with you and it kills me to see that I am losing you, that we are growing apart. Please! I can't do this without you. I can't live without you"
I couldn't look at her, not when my tears were threatening to burst in my eyes. I shook my head as I find my composure.
"Gab, I have to go"
I swatted her hands and it fell on her sides. I walked away but Gab was quick to grab me. He hugged me from my back and that's when the tears pooled from my eyes. Gab was weeping helplessly and I can feel the longing by the way she held me.
"Lexi, I beg of you. Please don't go. I love you"
I wiped the tears with the back of my hand and somehow managed to get out from her embrace. I fought the urge to escape in those warm and loving arms but I reminded myself that I was doing the right thing. This has to happen. I walked back to my house since Bastienne was not yet around and I hate that he showed up late today. He was never late.
"Lexi please"
Gab grabbed me once more and instead of walking away, I looked at her straight in the eye.
"Gab, you need to accept that whatever it is that we had was now over"
"Believe me Lexi, I tried so hard, so hard but I just couldn't stop this from beating for you"
Her finger was pointing over her chest and it felt like someone was hammering my heart, pounding it so hard, it literally hurt.
"Sorry Gab but there is nothing you and I can't do"
She started wiping her tears with her hands, with her shaking hands. She managed to force a smile before opening her mouth.
"Tell me how are you doing it?"
I sucked in air and I felt my lungs expand. I needed this to stop. Gab has to stop or else we'll just hurt each other. The damage will be permanent. I opened my mouth but the words seemed to die in my throat. I tried once more, looking at those green eyes I'll surely miss.
"I never really loved you Gab"
"What?"
Her gaze never left mine as she hang on to my words, words that will crush her.
"I never really loved you. I was just doing my job, wanting to please Mr. Ervy. I am a career woman. I'd do anything to get work done.."
I trailed off as I tried to look unfazed and that she did not matter to me.
"Even if I have to fake my feelings for you"
Gab swallowed hard and I can see how her jaw tightened. Her eyes were wide in confusion and anger like what she heard was the very least she expected. Even I felt that too. I did not know what I was talking about anymore because my goal was to completely shut her off, make her believe that she did not mean to me. She stepped aside and settled her gaze on the ground. She opened her mouth as if she was about to say something but decided not to. She shook her head in disbelief.
"You're lying Lexi"
I moved closer to her, my eyes never leaving hers.
"Take it back. You're lying"
"No Gab, I'm not lying. I don't love you. Maybe I got too carried away with my task at hand that it made you think I felt the same way about you"
Her hands balled up into a fist like she was controlling her brewing anger. It was the only way I know to make her hate me.
"I don't understand. You told me you love me"
I sucked in warm air as i fought so hard not to burst into a million pieces. Every word that came out of my mouth deemed to destroy me.
"I guess I was so caught up in the moment that I thought I felt something for you. Please just go"
"No. The way you kiss me, how your hand molded mine perfectly, the look in your eyes.."
She trailed off and I was dying inside, I can't take the pain I've inflicted upon her no more. This was getting out of hand.
"...Tells me that you love me Lexi. I felt it. I felt it right here"
Her hands rested over her chest as tears prickled her now swollen eyes.
"Please Gab stop!"
I was about to enter my door when I heard honking from Bastiennes's car. He approached us with a huge grin on his face, too oblivious to care what's happening between us.
"Ready?"
Gab's gaze instantly fixed on Bastienne and before she could say anything, I grabbed Bastienne's arm and walked straight into the car.
"Let's go Bastienne"
Her face fell upon the realization that this guy I am with is Bastienne. It was like an invisible ton of weight was placed on her shoulder that her body involuntarily slumped at the sight. The moment I got inside the car, I burst into a million pieces of emotion. Loss, pain, anger, every bit deemed to destroy me. Every word I said inflicted her pain and I feared that the damage was beyond repair. I was crying so hard that Bastienne started to panic.
"Are you sure you're okay, because we can postpone this outing"
"Drive Bastienne"
I saw her from Bastienne's car. She's still at the same spot where I left her. I don't know if her legs were too heavy to move or she was too shocked hearing the words from my mouth. I hated myself for doing this to her but I silently prayed that everything will fall in its place one day and Gab will understand me. She has to. I did this for us.
++++++
We spent the day at the beach and even though I tried so hard to try and have some fun, the thought of Gab haunted me. I couldn't focus on anything like I was physically present but mentally out of reach. I'm quite relieved that Bastienne was very kind to understand me and my situation. He never pried but I know that he is concerned with me. My efforts to forget her was useless, I can't seem to get the picture of her face out of my head. She was in so much pain and what hurts more is that I was the one who put her in that situation. It's like a phantom from the past, haunting me and I'm sure it will re visit me in the coming days What I said to her was unforgivable. By now I knew that Gab despised me. If there was one thing she's feeling toward me, I knew it would be all hatred and I couldn't blame her.
The night came and I was helplessly shifting in bed. I decided to spend the night at Bastienne's thinking that it would be too much if I run into Gab again. I couldn't sleep at all. I was crying like a restless soul, pouring everything out and feeling miserable with each passing second. I felt so helpless and I hated how I couldn't even do anything about it. I cried my way to sleep and the next day, I received the most heartbreaking news I've ever heard ever since my mom's passing. Gab left Chicago.
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