After I check that Tris will be in the bathroom for a little longer, I go into the kitchen. During my workout this morning, I pushed myself harder than I probably should have, causing my shoulders to be sore. I didn't want Tris to know while we were out, so I didn't say anything, hoping the beers would help. I was trying to give myself something constructive to do while she was at work so I didn't dwell too much on what I'm feeling.
I grab the container of cream I use for my sore muscles out of the cabinet. I turn again to check to see if the bathroom door is still closed. I haven't heard the water run yet, so I don't think she's done brushing her teeth. I don't want Tris to see my back, not yet anyway. She doesn't need to know about the scars that mark my back. She doesn't need to know that my childhood was filled with demons and pain.
I take my shirt off quickly, laying it down on the counter and begin to slather the cream on my shoulders, feeling the cool relief seep into my skin. I check again to see if the door is closed, and go to wash my hands quickly. If I can let the cream dry some, it won't stick to the shirt I'm going to wear tonight.
I know Tris probably wants to know why I acted like I did when she asked about my apartment, but she really doesn't need to know those circumstances. I want to keep her in the dark as long as I can. I did have fun with her today though. The way Tris and I acted like kids, it stirs a longing in me. Making me wish I could change some of the horrors of my past.
As I turn off the water, I hear harsh, ragged breathing coming from behind me. 'Oh no.' I turn around quickly to find Tris standing there in my shirt, her hands are clinched by her sides, but I don't understand her face. She looks almost...angry. Is she angry at me? I can feel my stomach clinch. I feel several emotions start to race through my system before I can arrange my face into a hard mask. Anger for the monster that has made me an outcast for what he did to me. Fear for how she looks right now, but also for what is to come. She will want to know what happened, and I will at least have to retell some parts of the horrors of my childhood. Finally, I feel sadness. I try not to listen to the words that my father would always say once he got done beating me, "No one will believe you." If she does believe me, she will more than likely pity me. I don't want anyone's pity, especially hers.
She begins to take slow steps toward me, almost cautiously, the anger ebbing away to her softer feature, and her hands begin to unclench. She is approaching me with caution, like I'm a bomb about to go off. I can't look at her anymore though, I don't want to see the look on her face when she knows the truth. I don't want to see her leave.
I need to control my emotions. This is only going to end badly. "Four, who did that to you?" Her voice is barely above a whisper, but I can hear a quiver at the end, but it doesn't sound like sadness.
I continue to look at my feet, arranging my face to the mask I'm so used to wearing, and laugh, but it isn't with humor. It seems like such a natural question, but it has so much weight to it. "Are you sure you want to know how I got my scars Tris? It isn't a happy tale."
I can see out of the corner of my eye, that she is still slowly approaching me, but when I give her the choice to listen she hesitates. I should have known she wasn't different. She is going to leave. At least I didn't get very far with this relationship.
"Yes." Her voice is still barley above a whisper.
My eyes leave the floor to look at her, but I don't understand her posture when I finally take in her figure. She looks tense, but there is something etched in her features that shows concern. The look of concern is what gives me the courage to start. "I didn't have a happy childhood Tris. I thought tonight we could make some happy memories. Like children are supposed to have."
I can't look at her any more though, her face is starting to register shock. I know what is coming next. I can't help but rub the back of my neck. It's a bad habit of mine when I'm nervous. "My childhood was a horror story. My father was the one who gave me my scars. He is the monster that haunts my nightmares." I have to swallow hard to get out the rest. "I was eight."
I take a steadying breathe in. "I was eight when it started. He beat me on a regular basis. It lasted till I left when I turned eighteen."
I look up to see that Tris' eyes have gone wide, but only for a moment. I'm not sure I want to continue right now. I don't want to recount my horrible childhood if she is going to leave halfway through it. She suddenly regains some of her calm, and closes the distance between us quickly. She looks me in the eyes, I'm not sure what she sees, but her eyes have turned to a blue fire that I have never seen before.
She hasn't said a word yet, but instead takes my hand in hers and begins leading me to the couch. She sits down with her knees tucked under her, gently pulling me down next to her. I don't know if I can look at her though. She continues to hold my hand, and that presence alone is helping me with the hurricane of emotions going through me right now. I had therapy several years ago, and it did help some with coping with what happened to me, but I still don't like revealing this part of my past. It's so hard to trust anyone.
The silence has stretched for so long, I'm not sure if she is going to say anything. I can feel her eyes studying my face, but I continue to stare at my feet. I'm not sure I want to know what she is thinking right now. Suddenly though, she squeezes my hand tightly. "You are so incredibly brave Four. You lived through such horrors in your life that no one, especially a child, should have to live through." Her voice is strong, determined. The quiver gone from her voice, but there is still a soft, comforting edge to it.
My head snaps up to look at her. I can't help but feel my emotions start to play on my face again, my mask gone. I scan her face, to make sure there isn't pity there. I see nothing but her beauty, full of determination to make me understand that she is here for support. I can't believe she hasn't left. She knows my darkest secret, and she continues to stay by me. She thinks I'm brave. And the strange thing is, I believe her.
Something in me shifts for the first time. I actually trust this woman. For the first time, I actually feel like I want her to know who I really am. "Tris...I think I'm ready to tell you what my real name is."
Her eyes are still full of that blue fire, but she gently smiles at my words. "You don't have to Four, it's been hard enough that you've revealed your past to me. You can tell me later. I can wait when you're really ready."
"Tris, you've now seen and heard the darkest part of myself. You deserve to know who I am." I sigh and look down. God this is hard. There are very few that know my real name, but I need her to know. She is worth it. "Tobias. My name is Tobias Eaton."
She squeezes my hand, and warmth spreads up my arm. "Tobias." She says it softly, and I can't help but feel as if my wall of secrets has crumbled as my name escapes her lips.
She scoots closer to me, placing her head on my shoulder. I never realized I had so much tension in my body, until it melted under her touch. I let go of her hand, but only so I can pull her into me. I place my face into the crook of her neck and close my eyes. I need her contact. I need to breathe her in. She alone has been able to see me for who I am and not run or pity me. I need her in my life. Whether it be friend or more.
I don't know how long she has been holding me, or realize that I've been shaking till I notice that she has been rubbing soothing circles over my bare back. I hear her voice in a comforting, low tone, "Hey. It's ok. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." I don't know how she knows what to say, but it is exactly what I need to release her.
When I look at her face, my eyes seem to linger on her lips. I have this fierce desire to close the small distance between us, to press my lips to hers.
"Tobias?" Tris pulls me from my thoughts.
"Yeah?"
She yawns. "I think it might be time for bed. It's been a long day, for both of us, and we need to get up early."
She begins standing up, releasing my hand. My body begins to panic, and before I even have time to stop myself, I hear the words come spilling out of my mouth. "Tris wait! Please lay down with me. I don't think I can face the nightmares alone tonight. Not without you." Oh shit. I can't believe I just said that.
She freezes, her face becoming unreadable. Her eyes are scanning my face, like she is trying to find something. I begin to back pedal quickly. "Um...I mean...You don't...I didn't..."
She cuts me off by simply taking my hand, gently pulling me up. She begins leading me though the apartment, turning off lights as she heads to the bedroom. She suddenly turns around facing me when we reach the bedroom, her face serious. "Tobias...don't try anything or I'll never forgive you."
I look at her and I need her to understand I don't want to be like the monster. I could never hurt her. I could never live with myself if I did. "Tris, I'm not that kind of guy. I would never hurt you. You don't have to do this. I'll be ok sleeping on the couch."
I begin turning around, but she grabs my hand, turning me back to her. She seems to hesitate before she finally says, "Tobias, I need to tell you something." I feel myself go rigid. Here it comes. "It's nothing bad" She adds quickly. "I have nightmares too." She looks down, blushing slightly. "They are pretty much the same ones, but the night I fell asleep on your chest was the first night that I didn't have any. I feel safe with you. I know you won't hurt me." She has nightmares? She feels safe with me?
Without waiting for my response, she leads us to the bed. She lets go of my hand, and goes to the right side of the bed, pulling back the covers before sitting down. I'm still standing there unsure what to do, but then my body seems to have a mind of its own. I go to the left side and pull back the covers before getting under facing her.
After a moment longer, she finally turns around to face me, and slips under the covers as well, scooting toward me. I want her to be in charge of how close we are going to be tonight, so I stay still. She continues scooting over till there is barely any distance between us, gently placing her hands on my bare chest. She has got to feel my heart hammering through my ribs at this point, but she doesn't say anything. Instead, she closes what little distance is left, and places her head under my chin, curling into me. "Goodnight Tobias."
I smile, wrapping my arms around her to pull her tighter to me. I feel her let out a sigh, her warm breath tickling my neck. "Sweet dreams Tris," kissing the top of her head.
I can't wait any longer. Not now. I have to ask her out. I thought I didn't want a relationship, but she is unlike any woman I have ever been with. I have to do it tomorrow. I'll ask her.