Three Words

Chapter 4 - Four

Amar calls me just as I'm getting ready to leave and informs me to meet him at his and George's dojo instead. He normally doesn't teach on Friday, but he is making an exception tonight. Amar has me in one of the smaller classrooms, usually used for smaller classes or kids that are just beginning Aikido. He runs me through a series of stretches, balance, and meditation exercises, forcing me to focus on the task at hand instead of what just happened. He advances to blocks, throws, kicks, and tumbles. Two hours later, I'm sore, sweating and tired, but my mind is as active as ever now that my body is exhausted. It just wasn't enough to dull the hurt, betrayal, and anger I feel toward Nita right now.

The bar across the street, however, has proved to be more helpful. Unfortunately, Amar is keeping a close tab on how many beers I take in. He knew I drove here, and doesn't want me killing myself or anyone else on the way back home.

Amar and George keep trying to convince me that it will get better, giving me bits of advice, and even throwing in the occasional joke to try to lighten my mood. They are usually good at helping me when I get in one of my moods, but it just wasn't working this time. Amar and George had been together for nearly 23 years now, and were the definition of a happy couple. While it may not have followed traditional standards, and they had their own struggles to deal with, the problem was they cared for each other, and I had no one.

I thanked Amar and told him I was heading back home. He asked if they should go with, just to check to make sure she wasn't still there, but I told him no, I should be able to handle it now. My main reason for going home was because while I did have a slight buzz, I knew I could get completely shit faced, forget about what happened today, and not have to be under Amar's watchful eye. Some sadistic part of me wanted Nita to still be there, hoping she would beg for my forgiveness, to take her back, just so I could say no once more. However, when I opened the door to the apartment, it was completely deserted of Nita and her belongings.

I sit down on the couch, holding my head in my hands. The problem wasn't just that I was hurt because I had caught Nita cheating; it was the fact that, right now in my life, I felt like no one truly has ever cared or loved me for who I was. Every relationship in my life was cringe worthy.

My father told me nearly every day I was worthless and pathetic. Never in my memory had he ever told me he even cared about me, unless we were in public, but I knew it was a ruse to keep up his appearance as a public official. My mother had left me with a monster because I was told she never truly loved me. I remember she would tell me I was her world when I was small, but then she left when I was 8. I'll never truly know her real reason for leaving, though I'm sure it had to do with his cruelty. I just don't understand why she left me with him when she knew he was evil, why she didn't take me with her.

I tried looking my mother up when I was in college; only to find out she had passed away in a car accident when I was thirteen. I'm not sure if I was more upset that I knew that she was dead, and my last hope for any kind of reconciliation was gone. Or if it was my last hope to prove Marcus wrong was now gone. I would never know if she truly loved me or not.

Of the few girlfriends I had over the years, none stayed in my life for more than a few months. Often breaking up with me because they felt I was too closed, too secretive, and often too cold in my affections. Nita was the first person I've ever lived with. I even considered taking the next step with her, but something always held me back. I had never even told her my actual name. She knew Four was a nickname, but I told her one day I would tell her about my dark past, but I never confided that secret, which now I'm grateful I hadn't. I guess I was afraid she would leave if she knew the truth. After looking back at all my past relationships, I feel as if I am incapable of love. Who would want someone as broken as I am?