The clock struck 2.
A single ceiling lamp was lit in the kitchen as I stood infront of the counter. Darkness surrounded me, encouraging my only desire at the moment. It overtook my senses. I was lost. I couldn't think straight. Depression invaded my mind and clouded all rational thoughts.
I glanced at my hand as I reached out. I never realised I was this pale. My fingers began to tremble faster as they neared the knife. I pulled the sharp object out of its wooden block, and I caught a glimpse of my reflection. I had never looked this way. I clasped the hilt tight between my damp palms as I shut my eyes tight, struggling to block out any second thoughts.
Every agony, every pain would vanish after this, I thought. You can do it, Lia. You'll be with dad.
Tears wetted my cheeks as they poured out uncontrollably. A wild haze inhabited my mind. My eyes only shot open when I felt the sharp tip through the material of my sweater - it touched my stomach. I stopped, holding it there. This is real.
This pain will only be temporary, it'll be gone in a flash along with everything else, I heard a voice tell me in encouragement. I felt a hard lump in my throat.
"Thalia?" Another shot of reality. "What the hell are you doing?" The voice was louder now.
The knife was snatched out of my hands and I saw it slide across the tiles of the kitchen floor. Then I felt my arms being gripped. I was spun around to face Harry. I saw two of him. I really couldn't process what was happening but I felt safe.
My vision became more blurry with every second that passed and the pain I felt on my head had become excruciating. "Lia," I heard my name many times but Harry's voice grew smaller everytime he called it out.
My knees suddenly felt weak. I was no longer able to support myself, and I gave up completely. But I didn't fall. Instead, I found myself being lifted.
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The slight burn I felt at my lids made me realise it was no longer night even before I opened my eyes. I'd been out for quite a while. What happened? I kept asking myself.
My hands clenched, pulling the sheets beneath me. An unlit chandelier hung above me and a strong smell of cologne floated about. This was not my room.
I sat up quickly and my head pounded with the action. I was reminded of Richard hitting me. I felt over my head and noticed that a bandage had been wrapped around it. The headache was gone and the pain had lessened.
When the haze in my mind cleared completely, I realised that I was in Harry's room. Then I remembered what I'd attempted to do last night. I shuddered at the thought of how I was actually going to go through with it.
Not only was it a completely irrational thing to do, it was also selfish. I wasn't thinking about the consequences. I ignored the fate I'd drive my family into if I went through with killing myself.
I just felt trapped, lost and alone. I was in a chess game where I knew I would lose no matter how many moves I played, and for a moment I just wanted to quit. I wanted to give up.
The door was left ajar and Mrs Briffen pushed it open with a knee as she entered with a food tray. She sat on the foot of the bed, placing the tray beside me. "How are you feeling, dear? You got us very worried last night."
"Why am I in Harry's room?"
"He wanted to keep an eye on you for the night after the doctor left. Since your room is on the far end it would be difficult to do so if you stayed there. Don't worry, he slept on the couch downstairs." She explained as she poured tea into a cup on the tray.
"Doctor?"
"Your head was injured badly after the... incident yesterday. You needed a doctor." She handed the tea cup to me. I noticed that her eyes were glossy. She was tearing up again.
"I'm alright now, Mrs Briffen." I forced a smile out of myself.
"Child, promise me that you won't do what you tried to do last night ever again." Her voice shook as she spoke.
"It was stupid, I know. Something came over me and it took control. Maybe I was just hit too hard over the head." I shrugged before taking a sip of the tea. "Did Harry tell you about it?"
"Yes, thank god he got to you in time. I've never seen him so frantic." She shook her head. "He was in a fight with some girl he came home with. I could hear them from my room. I heard doors slamming and loud stomping. That's how I woke up." So that was what the racket was all about.
"So that girl left?"
"Sure, she did. She left right after you collapsed in the kitchen. Didn't want to bother herself with anything."
Our conversation was cut short when Harry knocked at the open door. I still wanted to ask Mrs Briffen if she'd told Harry about Richard. I'd be dead if she did. Harry's tousled hair was messier than usual, and he looked like he'd just woken up. He still had on the Ramones t-shirt from last night.
"I'll leave you two alone for a moment." Mrs Briffen gave me a squeeze on my arm before leaving with a meaningful grin.
"Well, can I come in?" Harry asked as he leaned against the doorframe.
"It is your room." I smiled.
He nodded and took a seat on an armchair beside the bed. "After last night you won't be leaving this room for a while."
"Why not?"
"I want to keep an eye on you to make sure you won't do anything idiotic again."
"I won't." I heaved a sigh. "I promised Mrs Briffen that I won't."
"You haven't promised me." Harry planted his elbows on his thighs as he leaned closer towards the bed. "Promise me."
"I promise." I told him quietly.
He watched my eyes carefully, assuring himself that I meant it. "And you supposedly... fell down the stairs yesterday? That's how you hit your head?"
Mrs Briffen must've made that up. "Uh, yes. I-I did. It was a pretty bad fall."
"You must've been very clumsy. No one's ever fallen from those stairs." Harry wetted his lower lip before continuing. "You sure that's not a lie, Lia?"
"O-Of course it's not. Why would I make that up?"
"Was that another attempt at killing yourself?"
I shook my head in protest. "I swear it wasn't."
"Fine." He said. I hoped he was going to withdraw from the topic. He pressed his back against the velvet of the armchair. "But I want to know why you tried to do that." Hope crushed.
"Personal reasons."
"I'm all ears."
"I just feel that I'm not going anywhere with my life. I mean... how long are we going to put up this act, Harry?" I finally asked. I'd been wanting to blurt it out to him and get a proper answer for far too long. We werent going anywhere with this. Why keep me here if I was of no use? Why couldn't he just work out something with his father and let me go?
"I thought we reached a compromise." He replied.
"Yes, but why keep me here?" I questioned. "I'm a burden. I'm useless. I understand what your father wants but-"
"I like having someone around. Is that such a crime?" He faked a small laugh which lacked amusement.
"You've got so many friends."
"You wouldn't understand even if I explained it. I don't even really understand it myself."
"What is it?"
"That's enough talk, Lia. Too many questions." Harry stood up and tugged up his jeans. "If you're using curiosity to kill yourself, just remember that it only applies to cats. And as far as I know, you're not one."
What a bad joke. But an uncontrollable urge to burst with laughter overrode me and a chuckle escaped, bringing out a smirk on Harry's face. "I'll see you in the evening." He told me before stepping outside. "And, I want you to stay in here. Don't move around too much."
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I replayed yesterday's events, frame by frame, not missing out a single detail. And I dwelled in the misery that it brought up in me. That dark feeling that took over me rushed back in, blocking out all optimism, all brightness. The harsh weather outside contributed as the loud thunder stung my senses, making my heart jolt.
I felt hopeless once again. And Richard's words kept ringing in my ears over and over,
"You better have your little lying cherry popped by my next visit, or you know how things will turn out. I might even have to do it for you myself."
My mind added an additional evil laugh to it and I shivered in my seat. Richard would visit again, but I didn't know when. That was the most terrifying part. It could be next week, or even tomorrow.
"Think of how your family would have to endure the same pain you just did."
I couldn't bear the thought of my mother and brother getting hurt in any way. My imagination was running wild, creating all sorts of heart-wrenching scenarios in my head. They were all so horrifying that I found myself crying again for the third time today.
I couldn't risk anything. I needed to do something. It was time to stop the self-pitying. I couldn't let them get hurt. And I couldn't let myself be violated by someone as abominable as Richard. It would haunt me for the rest of my existence even if I got released.
As I came to a decision, I bit on my bottom lip so hard that I could taste the saltiness of the blood that had begun to form on the surface. I would finally have to face the inevitable now, or lose everything.
Harry entered the mansion and kicked the door closed. His curls were all soaked from the rain outside. He wagged his head, shaking off the dampness. He slid off his coat and made his way to the living room. I couldn't face him right now, I needed time. So I discreetly rushed upstairs.