As the dust settled, the morning progressed and reality hit me harder than ever before - I realised I had no where to go, no one to guide me and nothing to ensure I'm doing "life" correctly, I truly realised the depth of the turmoil I'd fallen into.
Pulling on my clothes from last night at 11am, the morning after, I wonder where it all went wrong for me, 6 years ago I was a post-college-grad hoping to go on to university with the world as my oyster, I'm 24 now with a job at a corner shop and a boyfriend I can't hold down for more than 5 minutes. I'm a collection of dismantled almosts, that's all I'll ever be.
"You're leaving so soon?" I heard a soft voice ask from behind me. I turn around to see her stood in the archway between the bedroom and the front room wearing grey jogging bottoms, a baggy white top and a chocolate top-knot.
I felt completely bewildered, I was utterly smitten by her natural beauty, I couldn't even bring myself answer her I just shrugged. I'd known her for the most part of two weeks yet she seemed like she genuinely cared about me, she genuinely wanted to keep me safe and she genuinely wanted to see me happy. I don't know if these were all wrong assumptions, I still don't, but the aura she held made me appreciate and treasure every ounce of her company I could endure.
"Take my number." She said as she approached me with a ripped corner of scrapped paper or something, a blue-inked number dancing on it.
"I'll call you." I confirmed, surprisingly I was able to say anything. I threw my hair into a top-knot, not dissimilar from her own, but with far less grace. Grabbing my black leather jacket, I paused. I looked up at her and her heavy eyes, they weren't empty like mine. They held depth, warmth, anything I could possibly search for. I shook my head and bit my lip. "Why have you been so good to me?" I croaked.
She smiled effortlessly, breathing in slowly. "Why wouldn't I be?" She asked, a tone of offence in her voice but her expression told me otherwise.
"You're a stranger." I justified, twirling my finger around a tassel on my jacket.
"Am I?" She asked, raising her eyebrows, half-serious, half-playful.
I don't know. Was she? If she was, why did I already feel so much reliance on her to build me up and put me back together? Was it all on me?
"If you need me, need somewhere to stay, you know where to find me." She said, eyeing the crumpled morsel of paper I held so tightly between my fingertips.
I walked towards the front door, followed by her soft footsteps.
"Bye, Elizabeth." I nodded as she opened the door for me and held it open so I could pass under her arm.
"Stay safe." She replied, rather than 'goodbye'.
Then, she was gone. I felt alone again. I felt victimised. I felt weak. Where was I going? Why did I leave so soon? Can I go back? When will I fall into her arms again, so very naturally? I fought back the tears as I traipsed down the main building staircase and left it.
On the street, the traffic resumed as usual, as did the bitter wind when I followed my despair back to my own flat.
I hadn't loosened my grip on the piece of paper she gave me, I couldn't bring myself to. I subconsciously stroked it repeatedly the entire journey home, it comforted me as a blanket would to a young child.
I sniffed as the bitter breeze caused my nose to run, well that along with a combination of the different emotions that were enclosed inside my tears. I promised myself I wasn't going to cry again, but I promised myself a lot of things. I didn't know myself well enough to hold it against me. I'm weak.
"Marina?" A familiar voice called from outside the Sainsbury's on Chalk Farm Road. I looked up and was greeted by Charli's adhering eyes.
"Hey." I said, painting a false smile upon my face.
"Are you alright today? I heard what happened, where did you go? Did he hurt you?" She instantly pressed, frowning with concern.
The questions spun around in my mind until I could gather enough wording to form an actual functioning sentence.
"I'm okay." I lied, "I went to my friend's." I white-lied, "He didn't hurt me." I concluded, shifting in my spot.
"As long as you're doing okay, you know how Joey can be sometimes, you should really talk it out with him." She advised, rubbing my arm.
"Eh." I winced as she ran her palms along my skin where Joey had grabbed me. For some reason, it didn't hurt when Lizzy caressed it.
"I'll be in at work tonight." I said, quickly changing the subject to avoid further questioning that I couldn't articulate answers to well-enough to keep Charli from worrying.
"Are you sure? No offence but you look shattered, you feeling alright?" She droned on, all I wanted was to go to bed.
"I'll text you later. I'm okay." I assured as I began walking away before she had chance to drag anything else out of me.