~January 20th 2014~
'Dear diary.
I feel so nervous and afraid but also happy in a way i can't describe. And yes, i'm in the plane with my mom right now. We're on our way back home. I don't know if that's a happy thing or a bad thing? I still don't know... What i do know is that i'm so nervous and afraid to face people and to honestly face Ricky. Just knowing that i will have to speak to him when i get back makes me feel so nervous. And i know i already talked to him on the phone a couple of times when i was still in New York. But facing someone is completely different than talking to someone. I'm acting like he's a bad person or something. Generally, he's not a bad person. He's a great guy but also the bad guy i felt for... Unfortunately it led to two unplanned pregnancies. And i love my son, don't get me wrong but i just wished i was older. And i wished i was a lot older having a second child on the way. I just realized that i'm just eighteen years old and i'm having my second baby...
And the real reason why i'm afraid to face Ricky... The reason why i feel this way is because i'm... I think i'm still confused about how i feel about him... About us. Or maybe it's just my pregnancy hormones?
I also feel like a fool for believing him that we could have a chance at being together again. That's what made me sleep with him in the first place.
And i know that he and Clementine ended their relationship. But it doesn't mean that they are no longer a couple that i'll be running back into his arms!
The other reason why i'm so scared to face him is because i ran all the way to New York without saying goodbye to our son. Without saying anything but leaving a note behind. I'm a fool because i thought he would run after me or something to stop me for going to New York. And maybe that's what i wanted? I wanted him to stop me to go to New York, but he didn't. And that's why i'm so afraid to face him. Because i acted like a child with a child. But on the other hand i'm happy, because i will see my son again. I've missed him so much. I can't even describe this how i felt like these months.
The feeling of being empty on the inside but at the same time blessed for the opportunities i got these months in New York. But i still felt somewhat empty without my son. It really felt like i left him... That i left him behind to chase my selfish dreams.
But i will never leave him again. No i won't!
The pep talks my mom gave me these couple of weeks really helped me. It helped me understand certain things about myself and my future. But most importantly... It helped me understand life.
I can't thank her enough for being with me all those months. I guess everything will be okay at the end? I have to believe that it will be okay... Because faith is the only thing i got right now.'
Amy sat next to a window in the airplane. She was silently looking outside. She could see the world underneath her. The sky and the clouds right in front of her. She could see the sun from a distance, behind clouds.
It was an amazing view. Seeing the sun go down. This made her feel at peace.
Anne looked at her daughter.
"What are you thinking about?"
Amy looked at her mother. She shook her head and looked down. "Like always, mom. I'm thinking about life."
"You need to stop worry so much Amy. I thought you felt better after talking to me at the airport?"
Amy nodded and sighed. "I do feel better since i talked to you openly about my inner feelings. It's just that i can't believe all of this, still."
Anne sighed. She didn't know what else to say to her daughter. It was not only hard for Amy to go through all of this. It was also hard for her mom. Because she was involved in everything.
She took Amy's hand and squeezed it.
"No matter what happens, everything's gonna be alright with you, with your condition, with Ricky and John. And most importantly everything's going to be alright with this baby!"
Amy nodded. "I know." She said, not convincing.
---
[2 hours later]
'We will arrive within 3 minutes, please do not stand up until the plane lands. I repeat do not stand up until the plane lands... Thank you.' The flight attendant said.
Amy's heart was pounding faster. She felt like she could pass out any minute. She never felt this nervous before.
She took a deep breath.
"Are you okay? You look very nervous." Anne asked, knowing that her daughter was not ready to do this.
"I'm okay. I'm just having a panic attack that's all." Amy responded back, trying to sound sarcastic.
-
'Arrival at 8:30 PM at California Central. Have a good evening.' The flight attendant said.
"It looks like we're finally here!" Anne said, relieved.
"It looks like it." Amy said, hesitating to get up.
"Are you ready to get out of this plane?"
Amy didn't know how to respond. She wasn't ready to do this. But she had to. She looked into her mother's eyes and swallowed nervously.
"Yes, mom. I'm ready!" She finally said, hesitating.
~••••~
I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you.
You broke my heart & there's nothing you can do.
And now you know, now you know.
True friends stab you in the front.
- True Friends by
Bring Me The Horizon