A few weeks later, I was at home. I was visiting with Kelly and Melanie. They'd come into town to see how Jake was doing.
He was fine. He was downstairs, watching some sporting event.
The doorbell rang.
I stood and got it.
Two men in uniform stood at the door.
"Ma'am, is this the Hamilton household?"
"It-It is. Should I get my husband?" I asked, caught off guard.
"Yes, ma'am."
"Please, come in."
They stepped in.
I went to the door to downstairs. "Jake, there are officers here."
A minute later, he came into view. He slowly came up the steps and sighed. He was in a grey shirt and jeans. He looked so relaxed. Jake turned to the men.
They saluted him.
He did it back and asked, "What can I do for you?"
They handed him an envelope.
He opened it. "Okay. This is just a paper saying that I'm no longer on active duty overseas and that I can't be again."
I nodded.
"Sir, there's one other thing," one of the men spoke.
We looked up at them.
They handed him another envelope.
Jake opened it, but didn't say anything.
"What is it?"
He looked at the men. "Thank you, gentlemen."
They saluted each other.
The men left.
I turned to Jake. "What is it?"
He shook his head.
"What?"
He went into the kitchen and went to the stove. He was about to light the paper on fire.
I snatched it from him.
"Bridget-"
I looked at the paper.
They wanted to give Jake a Medal of Honor--two, actually; the Bronze Star and a Purple Heart.
My eyes widened. I looked at him. "Why are you so distraught over this?"
"Because I don't want them. I don't deserve them. It's not like I died over there, Bridget. I didn't do shit. I left early, because I was weak."
"You left because you nearly died."
"They could've stitched me up."
"Jake, you would have died. Had you stayed, you-"
"At least that would have been worth it. At least I would have done something."
Hang on. What?
He reached for the paper. "Bridget, give me the damn papers."
"No."
"Bridget."
"No. You're not thinking clearly, Jake."
"Yes, I am." He grabbed my arm tightly, holding me still, and grabbed the paper.
"What's going on in here?" Kelly asked, walking in.
"Jake is being awarded a couple of medals and he wants to burn the papers."
"Why do you care?" he asked, sighing. He let me go.
"Because you lived. You made it through. Yeah, you left earlier than planned and you almost died and you more or less lost a limb, but you survived. You fought and you lived. That's something to celebrate, and if getting a couple medals comes along with that, then I'm going to be happy. You lived."
He shook his head. "No."
"Jake-"
"I should have died. We'd all be better off if I had."
The room got scary quiet.
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"It's nothing," he sighed.
"No, tell me."
"Britt, maybe you should let him cool off a minute," Kelly spoke.
"No, I want to understand."
He looked down at the papers.
My pager buzzed.
I looked at it. It was the Chief; he needed me in his office.
"Trauma?" Kelly asked.
"No, the Chief." I looked at Jake. "We'll finish this talk later."
He nodded.
I left.
When I got to the hospital, I changed into scrubs and went to the Chief's office. I needed to be prepared for anything.
"Dr. Hamilton, come in," he smiled.
I walked in.
"I know it's your day off, but I wanted to let you know that the FDA sent confirmation. We're doing a trial with your research."
"Really?" I smiled.
"Yes. Call your grandmother and the other recipients. Let's get them in here as soon as we can."
"Sir, may I have Dr. Hamilton help me with the trial?"
"Of course."
I nodded. "Is that all?"
"Yes. Go home, tell her the good news."
"Okay."
On my way out of the hospital, I ran into a doctor.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she smiled.
"No, I'm sorry. I--Oh, you're Dr. Henley." She was the head of psych.
"And you're Dr. Hamilton," she smiled. "Wow. It's an honor."
"Oh, thank you. I'm actually glad I ran into you. Could I bother you for a minute?"
"It's no bother. What's up?"
"There's this guy I know who's got PTSD. He seems to have a bit of survivor's guilt. Anyway, he was in therapy, but he moved and has no therapist. I have nothing really to go off of, because I've never seen him so low."
"Did something trigger it?"
"He's receiving awards for his duties overseas, doesn't want them. He mentioned something about everyone being better off if he were dead."
She nodded. "Is he a patient?"
"No, he's my husband."
Her eyes widened. "Is he here?"
"He's at home."
"I could come by and do an undercover evaluation, if you'd like. I don't typically do it, but I could give you some peace of mind or help you determine what to look out for."
I nodded.
"Were you leaving?"
I nodded. "If you're not busy, you could come now."
She nodded.
We left.
The ride home was short.
When we got there, I led her in.
Jake was sitting with his mother, Melanie, and Hawk.
My eyes widened. "Hawk?"
She smiled, "Hey, Britt. I thought I'd come see Sgt. Major. How are you?"
"Fine. How are you?"
"I'm well."
"Who's this?" Kelly asked, gesturing to Dr. Henley.
"This is Dr. Henley. She's a friend from the hospital, if you couldn't tell," I smiled.
We were both in scrubs.
She smiled, "You must be Dr. Hamilton."
Kelly smiled, "I am. What's your specialty?"
"I don't have one, yet. I'm a resident," she lied.
Kelly nodded.
Vanessa came in. "Dr. Hamilton, would you like a glass of wine?"
"No, thank you, Vanessa." I looked at Dr. Henley. "Do you want anything?"
"No, thank you."
Vanessa nodded and walked off.
We walked in and took a seat.
I looked at Kelly. "So the Chief told me my trial is now FDA approved."
She smiled, "Oh my God! That's wonderful! I told you you'd do great things here. I knew it from the moment I met you that you were going to be amazing. I-"
"I want you to do it with me."
Her eyes widened. She covered her mouth.
"Mom, you have to do it," Mel smiled.
"Why me?"
"You're a general surgeon and you work well with oncology patients and you're brilliant. We'd be a great team."
"You could crash with us during the trial," Jake smiled.
I nodded.
She looked at Mel. "But you'll need me."
"I'll be fine. I can come visit here whenever and I'm a nurse, so I can handle myself."
Kelly smiled, "Okay. Let's do it."
"Great. This is going to be fun," I smiled.
Dr. Henley was quiet.
Jake looked at Hawk. "There's a game on. Want to go watch?"
"Sure."
They went downstairs.
I sighed and looked at Dr. Henley.
"Undecided my ass," Kelly spoke. "What's going on?"
"Dr. Henley is head of psychology. I wanted her opinion on Jake."
She nodded, "When you left, I didn't let him out of my sight. He was pacing, cursing. He was so angry. He wouldn't let himself touch anything, worried he was going to break it."
I sighed.
Dr. Henley looked at me and sighed, "Definitely Survivor's Guilt."
I nodded.
Vanessa came in. "Dinner is ready, Doctor."
I nodded. I went to get Jake.
He was staring at the television. Hawk was cheering at the TV, but he was frozen.
"Sgt. Major, what's wrong?" Hawk asked.
"Jake?" I asked.
He looked up. "Oh, hey. I didn't hear you come down."
"Dinner's ready... Hawk, go on up. I need a minute with Jake."
She nodded and went upstairs.
I looked at Jake.
He stood. "What's up?"
I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his cheek.
He wrapped his around me and sighed. Something in the way he sighed, in the way he held me, made me ache.
I pulled back and sighed, "We should go to dinner." I had tears in my eyes. I turned from him.
"You okay?" he asked.
I nodded.
"Bridget-"
"We should get upstairs. Our guests are waiting."
He sighed and followed me upstairs.
We all sat at the table.
"So what's new?" I asked Hawk.
She shrugged. "I requested to be moved up here, so Sgt. Major and I could work together."
"That'll be nice. Like old times, right?" I asked.
Jake slowly nodded.
"Sgt. Major, seriously, are you okay?" Hawk asked.
"I'm fine," he spoke, taking a drink of water.
"It's about time for more pain medicine," Kelly spoke.
I nodded.
"I'll wait until after dinner. I'm fine," he insisted.
I nodded.
We all quietly ate.
Diane came over to me. "Doctor? Mr. Malone is on the phone. He sounds worried."
I nodded.
She handed me the phone.
I excused myself and stood.
"Hello?" I answered.
"Bridget, it's your grandfather. Your nan isn't doing so well. She's having trouble breathing."
"Did you take her to the hospital?"
"Their general surgeon is an idiot."
"Page the Chief, tell them Dr. Hamilton from NIH needs him."
"Okay."
He did as I said.
A few minutes passed.
The Chief answered, "Dr. Hamilton?"
"Hey, Chief," I spoke.
"Bridget, hi," he spoke. "What can I do for you?"
"My grandmother isn't well."
"I've read her chart," he sighed.
"I'm beginning a liver cancer trial. Do you think you could arrange a helicopter to bring her here?"
"Of course. Liver cancer, huh?"
"Yeah, exciting stuff."
"Sounds like it. I'll have to have you come speak."
"Anytime," I smiled. "Thank you."
"No problem. Don't be a stranger."
"I won't be."
My grandfather took the phone and spoke, "Bridget?"
"You guys will come up here. When you land, I'll tell my Chief to page me, okay?"
"Okay. See you soon."
"Bye."
I hung up and rang my Chief. I filled him in.
When I got off the phone, I went back to dinner.
"Everything okay?" Kelly asked.
"Looks like we got our first patient," I spoke.
"Oh. That's wonderful."
I took a drink of wine.
Diane came over and handed me a cup. "Coffee since you're going into the hospital."
"Good thinking."
She nodded and walked off.
"Not wonderful?" Dr. Henley asked.
"My grandmother has gotten worse. She's our first patient."
Kelly sighed, "Well, you cured Peter."
"Peter died," I sighed.
"Cancer free. And those kids. Carly and her guy," Mel spoke.
I nodded. "I wonder how they are."
"You should give them a call. Oh! And I'm sure Dr. Cole would love to hear from you," Kelly smiled.
I nodded.
Hawk looked at Jake like a hawk. No pun intended. She knew something was going on with him. "Is it back?"
"What are you talking about?" Jake asked, turning to her.
"Your PTSD. You've not said a hundred words since I've been here. You ignore every sign of life. Are you sick?"
"I'm fine, Hawk."
"Sgt. Major-"
"It's none of your business. Just drop it," he snapped.
We all grew quiet.
No one spoke for a few minutes.
We finished dinner and left the table.
Vanessa cleaned up while everyone sat around, drinking coffee and tea.
I was thinking about what happened at dinner. A lot.
Jake came over to me. "What did we do with my pain medicine?"
I got the medicine from the cabinet and handed him one.
He thanked me and took it without anything to drink.
I shook my head and looked down at the bottle. I casually slipped it in my pocket, worried he'd overdose. I really didn't know what to look out for, but I figured I couldn't be more careful.
Jake looked at me. "Going to work?"
"Soon."
"Are you okay to work on your grandmother?"
I made a fresh cup of coffee in a to-go cup. "I'm just hooking her to fluids and taking her vitals tonight. It won't take long."
"You didn't answer my question."
"And you've not answered any of mine," I sighed.
"I'm fine."
"So am I."
"Bridget, stop a second. Talk to me."
"I'm a doctor, a surgeon, and I saved your life. I've saved your life more than I'd like. And the thing is, you don't want to live."
He was quiet.
"You don't and you married me, so what do I do? Do I wait until you try to kill yourself? What if you take a gun and shoot your brains out? I mean, it wouldn't be the first time someone's done that around me."
He sighed.
"I want you to get those medals, because I want you to be happy you lived. I know people die over there, I get it, but you didn't. You lived. You may not be grateful for that, but I am, okay? Because the second you left, I had a feeling that the only thing I'd be getting from you was a folded up flag."
He looked upset.
"But I didn't get a flag. I don't want one. I've got you."
He sighed.
"And you don't have to be happy about that, but I'm going to be."
"Bridget-"
My pager buzzed. The Chief.
I grabbed my coffee and kissed his cheek. I called for Adam.
Adam, Kelly, and Dr. Henley came with me to the hospital.
Dr. Henley confirmed my suspicions about Jake. She said he was depressed, too. She was glad Mel and Hawk were with him and that we had a housekeeper to make sure he wouldn't off himself while I was at work.
I was charting when Dr. Thomas came over to me. "Hey. How's Jake? Doing okay?"
I shrugged. "I suppose so."
"What's wrong?"
"He's depressed. Survivor's guilt."
"That's awful."
I nodded. "But he won't let me help, so I'm here, saving lives that actually want to be saved."
He nodded. "I've got a patient with a massive splenic bleed. Want to take the lead?"
"Really? A pity surgery?"
"No, a distraction," he smiled.
I looked up at him and breathed, "Thank you."
He nodded. "Follow me."
We went to an operating room and scrubbed in.
Dr. Thomas led me through the surgery, watching me as I worked.
When the surgery finished, we scrubbed out.
He smiled at me.
"What?" I smiled.
He shrugged. "Just you."
"What about me?" I asked, drying my hands. I turned to him.
Me pushed off the sink and walked to me. His eyes flashed to my lips.
I bit my lip.
Then, he took my face in his hands and pressed his lips to mine. They moved effortlessly against mine. His teeth tugged on my bottom lip, opening my mouth to get closer.
My pager buzzed.
I pulled back, coming back to reality. I blinked and looked at my pager.
The main nurses station.
The door opened.
Dr. Thomas took a step back.
"Dr. Hamilton, your husband is here," a nurse spoke. She looked between Dr. Thomas and me. "Should I tell him you're in surgery?"
"No, I'll be right down," I spoke.
She nodded and closed the door.
I put a hand to my forehead. "Oh my God. I'm married."
"I know. I'm your friend. I shouldn't have done that," he spoke.
"I think the problem is that I didn't mind it. Jake has barely looked at me since he's been home and you-"
"I think you're beautiful. That technique you used in that surgery was brilliant. I respect you. That being said, I also know my place. I need to take a step back, because I know you love your husband."
I nodded.
"Go ahead and see if he's all right. I'll watch the patient in post-op."
I nodded and left.
I took a breath and made my way to the main nurses station.
Jake was waiting, speaking with a nurse.
"Hey," I spoke.
He stood and turned to me.
"Are you okay? Did you need something?" I asked.
"No, I wanted to talk."
"Oh."
"I also brought you a little something."
I rise a brow.
He pulled his arm from behind his back, gosling a bouquet of assorted flowers.
"Jake," I smiled, "you didn't have to-"
"Yes. I did."
I took the flowers and smiled, "I have a few minutes to spare. Come with me."
I led him to an on call room and sat on a bed. I looked up at him. "What's up?"
He sat beside me. "I'm sorry about what I said earlier. I'm sorry I upset you."
"You can't help how you feel."
"I should have kept my mouth shut."
"No. I don't want that. If you're hurting, if you're depressed, I want to know. And, God forbid, if you're suicidal, I want to know. I want to be able to help."
He nodded.
"I'm a doctor. I'm trained to control my emotions. I just-I can't do that with you. I've never been able to."
He half smiled at me.
"We've not been in the best of relations since you came home."
"What are you talking about?" he asked.
"Jake, you've been back for a few weeks now. We've barely kissed. We don't touch. We barely acknowledge each other's presence. Not to mention, we've not had sex since before you left. Things are different."
He was quiet.
I looked down at the flowers.
"I hold you every night. When we're sleeping, I hold you to my chest."
"It's not enough," I whispered. "I'm your wife. I need you to need me, to want me."
"I do, Bridget. You're everything to me."
I sighed.
He was quiet.
"Someone kissed me," I spoke.
He was quiet, then he spoke, "When?"
"Earlier. Before you got here."
"Why?"
I shrugged. "He said I was beautiful and he kissed me. He said he wouldn't do it again, because he knows I'm married and he respects me enough not to do it again."
"Good."
I looked at him. "No, James. It's not good, because I enjoyed it. I don't want to have, but you won't kiss me. You won't touch me. You can barely even look at me."
He was quiet.
"Why? Is it because I went to that trial and got you taken off active duty? Is it because I lost our child?"
His eyes widened. "Of course not."
I shrugged, "Then, what is it? Because I can't keep doing this."
He reached over and picked me up. He pulled me on him so I was straddling him.
I gripped his biceps for support, letting the flowers fall on the bed.
"I'm sorry. I-I know things haven't been the same and I'm going to do better. I promise I'm going to do better, but I need you, Bridget. I need your support."
"You've already got my support. If it means getting my husband back, you can have anything you want."
His eyes searched mine. "Okay."
My pager buzzed. "I have to go."
He sighed.
I looked at it. My grandmother was about to touch down on the roof. "Jake, I want to talk. I just-I have a patient."
"I can wait," he spoke.
I nodded and stood. I left the room and went to the roof, where the Chief was waiting.
"They're a couple minutes out."
I nodded.
When they touched down, Nan was taken off the helicopter on a stretcher. She looked like she was on her death bed, holding oxygen to her face. Granddad was right behind her.
"I just saw her a few weeks ago. When did she get worse?" I asked.
"A couple nights ago," Granddad spoke.
I nodded. "Well, let's get her inside."
We took her to a room and switched her to a bed. I checked her I.V. and hooked her to some medicines to prepare her body for the trial.
"How's the Sgt. Major?" Granddad asked.
"Fine."
"And the company?"
"Great. Nan, when did breathing become difficult?"
"Earlier today, but I thought nothing of it."
An intern came in. "Dr. Hamilton, I'm with you this evening."
"Great. Let's go run a couple scans. I want to make sure we're not missing anything."
He nodded. "Are you doing the scans?"
"Yes. Call radiology and tell them were coming. Order an MRI and a chest x-Ray."
He nodded and left the room.
I looked at Nan. "We're going to take good care of you."
She nodded.
I looked at my grandfather. "Her scans may take a bit to do. If you want to get a cup of coffee while we do the scans, you can."
"I can show you where," the Chief spoke.
Granddad nodded. He kissed Nan's head. "I'll see you soon, sweetheart."
She nodded.
He left the room.
My intern came in. "They're ready."
We took Nan to her scans and waited. Scans were always so slow. Agonizingly slow.
When the scans were finished, I took Nan back to her room.
Granddad was waiting with a cup of coffee in his hands. He looked exhausted.
"We can bring in a cot for you to sleep on, if you'd like," I offered.
He shook his head. "I'm all right, Bridget. Thank you."
"Well, if you change your mind, just tell a nurse."
He nodded.
"I'll be back in a bit."
They nodded.
I left the room. I went to the on call roof I left Jake in.
He was laying down.
As I got closer, I noticed he was asleep. I sighed and knelt beside him.
He looked so calm, so peaceful. His arms were folded across his chest.
I moved a piece of hair from his face.
He didn't move.
I put a hand to his shoulder. "Jake? Jake, wake up," I whispered.
He stirred, his eyes flashing open. He looked terrified, crazy. It wasn't Jake. He wasn't awake.
As he began to get up, I moved back. It had been so long since I'd had to deal with PTSD Jake like that.
He moved towards me.
I kept backing up until I hit the door. My back hit something. The doorknob? I wasn't sure, but it stuck into my back.
Jake came over. He put a hand to my neck and lifted me towards him, then he slammed me against the door.
I groaned. That hurt.
He did it again.
I closed my eyes as tears came to them. I needed to stop him before he seriously hurt me, because he's never forgive himself if he had.
I took all the strength in me and reached towards him. I put a hand on the side of his face and brought him to me. I pulled him into a kiss. I used all the passion in me and kissed him harder than I've ever kissed him before.
After a minute, his hand dropped and he gripped my waist He began to kiss me back.
I pulled back.
He looked at me. "What's wrong?"
I shook my head, unsure if my voice.
"Bridget, why are you crying?"
I shook my head, grateful he couldn't see my neck in this lighting. He'd freak for sure.
"Jake, you should go home and get some rest."
"Will you be home tonight?" he softly asked.
"No, I've got to monitor a patient."
He nodded and put his forehead to mine. "I love you, you know. I don't tell you that enough, but I do."
"I love you, too."
He gave me a sweet kiss and pulled back. He sighed. "I guess I'll take the flowers home, have Vanessa put them in a vase. Will I see you tomorrow?"
"Trial starts tomorrow."
"Tomorrow night?"
"It depends on how my patient does."
He nodded and released me. He turned and picked the flowers up.
I sighed, relaxing. I quickly wiped at my eyes. "Jake, I gotta go. Drive safe."
He nodded. "Call me if you need anything."
I nodded and slipped out of the room. I went to the nurses' station.
Henry, my intern, gasped.
I looked at him. "What?"
"What happened to your neck?" he asked.
I shrugged. "I-"
"Britt?" Jake asked.
I froze and turned to him. "Yeah, Jake?"
His eyes went to my neck. "Did I do that to you? Is that why I was standing up?"
I nodded.
He took a breath. He closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. When he opened his eyes, they were full of anguish.
I didn't know what to say.
"Bridget, I need you to do me a favor."
I rose a brow.
"Call psych. I think it's about time I get help."