*** WARNING: Self-harm content. May be a trigger. Read at your own risk. ***
Two days later, I still couldn't sleep. I sat up in bed and curled my legs up to my chest. I remembered the last time I felt that awful.
I had just gotten home from the hospital after Tyler died. Nick wouldn't even look at me. I was so alone, I went into our bathroom and looked through the cabinets. We didn't have medication, but we had razor blades.
I had needed physical pain to make the heartache go away. I needed to drown out the loneliness. It wasn't a way to die. It was a way to find relief.
I ran my hands down my legs as I contemplated what to do. I needed a way to fight the pain, but was that the answer? Would it help this kind of heartache?
I got up and went to the restroom. I was quiet, because Lou and George were still awake. Diane and Adam were in the living room. No one could know I was awake.
I grabbed a razor and made my way back to my room. I closed the door and broke the razor apart, looking at the three blades in front of me. They were sharp as scalpels. Scalpels made everything better.
I grabbed one and laid in bed. I took my pants off. If I was going to find relief, I needed to find it in a place my patients wouldn't see.
As I drove the blade across my skin, beads of blood began to trickle to the surface.
I gasped, overcome with relief, but I still couldn't breathe. I'd not been able to breathe without Jake.
I ran the blade across my skin a couple more times, feeling the urge, letting all the hurt go. I needed to clear my mind. I needed this.
I quickly did it to the other thigh, watching as the beading blood ran distally to where they started. I threw my head back and sighed.
When the dawn broke, my thighs were a bloody mess. I got up and wiped them down with baby wipes, which stung like a bitch, but I couldn't risk people finding out.
I hid the blades in the drawer of my desk and changed into scrubs. I did my hair and makeup and put my tennis shoes on.
Lou handed me a cup of coffee and smiled, "Hey, dear. How are you this morning?"
"Fine," I spoke. "I'm running late."
I followed Adam and Diane out the door.
He drove us to the hospital, not saying a word.
When we got there, I got out and clocked in. Then, I did my rounds. I found myself doing paperwork.
When I needed a break, I went to buy a cup of coffee, but I ran into someone. I looked up. Jake.
He froze. "Hey."
"Can I get you a coffee?"
"It's just coffee."
"Sure," I sighed.
My legs stung. Even they knew that I had to feel relief from this, from him.
Jake handed me a coffee and took a drink of his own. "Are you headed upstairs?"
"I'll walk with you."
I nodded and turned around.
We walked to the elevator and got in. He pressed the button for the psych floor and I pressed the button for the oncology floor.
"I thought you were getting off the cancer floor."
YOU ARE READING
Winning the LotteryChickLit
Britt Malone was your average, busy medical student. She was a pretty good student, one who studied constantly. After her social life took a toll, Britt felt as if she was going to be alone forever... That is, until her path crossed with Jake Hamilt...