Whole Foods smelled musky. Tegan batted her dull eyes at a glass incasing small packets of organic spices. Her reflection was dusty, but she could see enough to conclude the worst about herself. At what point did she stop giving a shit? Oh yeah. It was right after Christian Lu called her a fragile little girl and said that she wasn't capable of handling a one night stand. What was a person supposed to do after that? Shower? Put on some make up? Dress up and go on with their day as if nothing happened? That wasn't possible. Tegan's hair was left oily, bunched up over her head and her lenses replaced by a pair of polka-doted Hello Kitty glasses. Her trousers and hooded sweater were too comfortable to change out of and she liked to think her ugly crocs complimented her haggard look.
Tegan tapped on the glass casing and watched some of the dust slip off. It was so easy to let her heart take control. It was so easy to let her brain deteriorate and malfunction. Logic wasn't a thing anymore. Tegan was slowly yielding to depression. This was her life, she told herself. This was her single-forever-alone-life. It was time she accepted it. All that talk about sleeping with Christian Lu a second time was just that: talk. Things she said to convince herself that she could do it if she wanted to. The truth was much crueler. The truth let Christian win.
Tegan picked up a packet of garlic and rosemary and moved to the frozen foods aisle. She opened one of the fridge doors and picked up a carton of two percent milk. As she turned to grab eggs from the adjacent door, she saw a familiar figure staring in her direction. It took her a second to acknowledge them because they were so tall. It couldn't be. It—just—couldn't be. He was the last person she wanted to see. The absolute last person she waned to deal with looking so worn-out.
"Fuck," Tegan breathed as her heart shrivelled up. He had already seen her. There was no point running away. It would just give him more power. It would just make her look more fragile and scared. Tegan held her ground when her nightmares approached her with company.
"What are you doing here?" Christian asked, shaking her world around. Tegan hated herself for thinking he was so attractive. So, what if his deep voice melted her insides? So, what if his face made her remember that amazing one nightstand they had? It meant nothing to him. She was just a conquest, a trophy, and he was done curing his curiosity.
"What do you think?" Tegan had no idea how the words came so easily to her but she wasn't going to fight a good thing. "Why are you in this neighbourhood?"
"Lance's brother lives near here," came the calm reply.
"Oh," Tegan acknowledged his friend. She had definitely seen him somewhere before but what did that matter? If she didn't get out of Whole Foods in the next thirty seconds, she was going to throw up all over the floor.
Lance waved. Tegan smiled at him, trying to figure out an escape route. This was too hard. How the hell was she supposed to stand there and have a conversation with him when all she wanted to do break down and scream at him for breaking her heart? Her fists clenched to suppress the sudden urge she had to punch Christian in his face.
"You were at the gala, " Lance recalled. He looked at Christian for confirmation. "She was at the gala with you, right?"
"Not with me but yes, she was there."
"I was definitely not with him," Tegan said, playing along. If this was the sort of insensitive game he wanted to play then fine.
"How is your friend doing? I heard she got punched in the face, courtesy of Warren Biel."
"She's fine," Tegan informed. "It knocked some sense into her and now they're dating."
"Oh, nice." Lance nudged Christian. "You didn't tell me that."
Tegan blinked. Shit. Oh shit. Her eyes met Christian's. They were wide with surprise. He didn't know. Warren hadn't told him yet. Oh crap. What the hell had she done? Rhea was going to lose her head when she found out. Oh god. Oh god. They did go over to tell Red. It couldn't be that big of a secret. Damn it! What if it wasn't Tegan's place to say anything? The tension was filling up to her nose, make it hard to breathe.
Lance's phone rang and saved her from having to explain things. Tegan turned around and scurried out of the aisle and headed straight for the condiment section. Her feet barley made it to the shelves of pickles when Christian caught a hold of her wrist. He turned her around and demanded answers. Tegan listened to him complain about how Rhea and Warren weren't meant to be together. Meanwhile her body stiffened and she allowed her chest to beat at his will.
"You should have stopped them from dating," the jerk lectured. "It's your responsibility to snap Rhea out of this deranged idea. How could you let something so stupid and ridiculous happen?"
Tegan sighed irritated by the whole situation. The universe was cruel enough without Christian Lu dictating other people's love lives.
"Does Red know or are they keeping it a secret from him too?" he asked, hitting a nerve.
Tegan reclaimed her wrist. "What is your problem?" she snapped. "Why can't you just be happy they found one another? Why do you always have to see the bad parts of relationships? How do you live your life like that?"
He raised his brow at her. "Are you holding grudges?"
Tegan clenched her fists.
"I already apologized about that night," he said. "Why are you taking your anger out on me? Rhea dating War has nothing to do with what happened between us."
The smug bastard thought she was still yearning for him. Tegan decided then and there that she was going to pay him back triple. Not because she wanted to prove Sera wrong or out of obligation, but because she wanted him to fall deeper than he had ever fallen before. Tegan wanted to see what tragedy would occur when he woke up one morning and realized that he was pathetically alone. Without his looks, without his charisma and his title, what the hell did he have?
"I'm perfectly capable of handling myself," Tegan told him with a cool resolve.
"Are you?" Christian asked smugly. "You seemed pretty broken up when I left that morning."
"The only thing broken up that morning was my perception of you," Tegan clapped back. "If you want to be that guy and have that sort of fun then I get it. Do it. Why not right?"
He laughed a little. "You don't have to prove anything to me Tegan," he said. "I don't think you understand how well I can read you. That night and right now. Everything is a little predictable with you—"
She grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him down to her level. Whole Foods submerged with them as Tegan pressed her mouth onto Christian's. As much strength as she could muster was used to shield her heart. A kiss was just a kiss until someone made an example of it.
-
Tegan dumped her purse in the back seat and moved into the front. Her shaky hands found the wheel. It was time to start the car and drive away, but she couldn't. The parking lot was blurred through her teary eyes.
Kissing him was supposed to give her the upper hand. It supposed to give her the courage she needed to pursue and crush him and yet her whole body was fighting the thrill. It was churning her stomach and pounding her head with regret. Why did she do that? What good came out of it? Maybe he felt something. Maybe he was caught off guard but would it be enough to hurt him? No. This was just the beginning. This was the calm before the storm.
Tegan searched for her cell, her hands still trembling. "Breathe," she told herself trying to slow her uneven breaths. "Just breathe for fuck sake."
"Hello?" Kerry answered her phone.
"Hey," Tegan cried failing to keep her cool. "Can you talk?"
"Are you okay?" Kerry could hear her broken voice over the busy streets of Toronto. "What happened?"
Tegan didn't know where to begin. "I—I kissed him," she said. "Kerry, I kissed him and it was supposed to be a triumph but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like a loss and I don't think I can do this. I can't keep hurting myself like this."
"Hon, calm down." Kerry moved to a quieter spot as the background noise slowly diminished. "Who did you kiss? Christian? Did you kiss that low life? Already? Why? Why? Why?"
"I don't know!" Tegan broke down. "Everything is so fucked up. I just saw him at Whole Foods. I was doing groceries and he was there. The universe hates my guts, Kerr because he was there and he saw me. And he started talking about me to his friend, like I meant nothing, and then he brought up that night. He said I was predictable and broken."
Kerry cursed his ancestors.
"And I just couldn't hold it," Tegan wiped the tears from her cheeks but they kept falling. Her nose was redder than an apple and her face flushed. "So I kissed him to shut him up and I thought it would feel amazing. I thought he would catch butterflies or something and maybe he did. I didn't stick around to find out. I just left him there. By the pickles and walked out, the alarm rang because I still had the grocery cart in my hand."
Kerry sighed. "Where are you right now?"
"In the parking lot," Tegan balled. "With no groceries and a broken resolve. God, is he right about me? Am I so stupidly weak and predictable?"
"No," Kerry soothed. "Not at all, Teg. You're so brave for kissing him. Really, I think that takes so much courage. I know you're hurting and it all feels like it's falling apart but you're going to get through this. If you think it's too hard to be around him and you don't want to get even then don't do it. You're too good for that shit anyway."
Tegan hyperventilated.
"Just try to calm down," Kerry advised. "Don't start the car or drive anywhere. Not before you get it together."
Tegan nodded wiping more tears. "I'm just, I'm just, I'm going to go home and try to pretend that none of that happened and put on my onsie and get ice cream and fucksake!" Her voice pitched higher. "Why does it feel like I'm ending a long-term relationship? I'm just so sick of men. I'm sick of them."
"Rant away," Kerry said. "I'll stay with you until you feel better and then you're going to go home, and if you really need to get into that onsie, you'll do it. And you'll accept the aftermath as it is and you will forget about him. He isn't worth all these tears you're crying, Tegan. You deserve someone who can see all your beautiful qualities and accept them and love them and love you."
Tegan sniffled. "I don't understand why I'm the one hurting. I don't want to be on the other side of the road all depressed and lonely while he's living it up with Lance or whoever the fuck he hangs with. I want him to feel what I feel and I want to be confident when I stand next to the fucken pickles. I want to be strong when I look at him and protect my heart without wanting to crush his balls in my hand. I want to get over this so badly but I can't. I don't want to keep changing my mind about it. He needs to feel what I feel. He needs to know what it's like to be alone and miserable. He's done for. I know you said that I'm better than that stuff but right now it feels like I'm not."
"Tegan," Kerry spoke. "I put this idea in your head and I feel terrible about it. I don't want you to do anything that is going to jeopardize your heart. I don't want to get a call every time you try to get revenge and end up balling your eyes out."
"I don't want to let him walk over me and let that be our story," Tegan replied. "I just feel like I need to do something."
"I have a meeting in the morning," Kerry changed the subject. "But I'll be free for lunch so I'll come by your work and we can chat more about this."
"Don't try to change my mind," Tegan said. "I really, really need you to be that person that helps me through this. Not the person who pulls me out. Sera has that covered."
"Sera?" Kerry asked. "She's in town? What happened to Rhea?"
"Yeah, Sera is in town and Rhea doesn't know anything. I don't want to worry her when she has so many problems of her own."
"You still haven't told her?"
"I'll tell her when I'm more confident about the decision."