"Where my heart is there's never a home. These wooden doors are closed and this prison's cold."
Vapor - Vancouver Sleep Clinic
Listen to this song while reading the chapter. Maybe it's just me but it made me feel some type of way.
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His back was facing me but the tears were making it harder for me to make out his figure. The only thing I was sure of was that he was walking away. Away from everything we had ever been through. Every look, every conversation, every kiss, everything. It was as if from the very moment we met, everything was a lie. None of it ever meant anything and I was seeing it for the first time.
The pain in my lower abdomen was nothing compared to the slow, agonizing pain in my heart. Each memory that flashed through my mind made the pain worse. It was as though the blood seeping through my thin shirt was coming from my heart and not from the pierced skin.
It had taken me two and a half years to finally see what little I meant to him. And that pain was so much worse than the knife.
"Carter."
It was no longer the tears blurring my vision, but rather the loss of blood. I was slowly slipping into a dangerous state. I couldn't see where the voice was coming from.
"Carter, you need to wake up."
I couldn't move. I was frozen.
Dying.
"Carter!" The low voice boomed from beside my bed, waking me up from my nightmare.
No, not a nightmare. A memory.
"You're burning up, I'm going to get you some water. Take these blankets off." Mason ordered but had worry laced in his tone. He turned and hurried out of the room. It took me a second to come out of my daze before I sat up slowly and threw the blankets off me. My hair was matted to the back of my neck and forehead, my tank top and shorts doing nothing to help me stay cool. I placed my hand on my side slowly, an instinct I have every time I wake up from the memory.
Sighing in relief, I threw my legs over the side of my bed and pushed myself up carefully, making sure I had my balance before walking over to put my hair up. Mason came back into the room just as I had gotten the wet hair off my neck. I looked at him through the mirror to find him holding the glass of water he had promised accompanied by a wary look. I sighed and turned to take the glass from his grasp, "I'm fine." He followed me to sit on my bed before replying, "you dreamt about him again didn't you?"
I wiped the back of my hand across my forehead feeling the unnatural high temperature. "It happens. I told you not to worry about it."
Mason pushed his hair back in annoyance, "I can't just not worry about it, Carter. Look what it does to you?" He motioned towards me and then my bed where traces of sweat were located. I hadn't realized how bad it had gotten this time. "It felt so real this time," I whispered.
He placed a hand gently on my back, rubbing soft and slow circles to keep me stable. "You remember what you said to me when Shay came home that day after seeing him in that doughnut shop?" I looked at him as he continued, "you said you're tired of being scared, tired of running. He can't hurt you anymore than he already did, Carter."
I let his words seep in but for some reason the words I once spoke were no longer true. I was scared because no matter how fake our relationship was, I knew what kind of person he was. Once his mind was set on something, he wouldn't rest until it was completed.
And his job wasn't completed. He hadn't killed me like he wanted. Instead he put me in pain for years, pain that still lingers even now.
Because of him, I'm terrified of trusting someone with my heart. I've tried so many times to give it away but it's always been under lock and key. No one's ever come close to even finding the key, let alone unlocking it. He ruined that for me. The feeling of being able to give myself fully to someone, letting them have every piece of me including my most prized possession. My heart hasn't been able to heal since that night and every time my mind replays the memory, it re-opens wounds that had begun to heal.
"I don't want to be afraid anymore but it's hard when it haunts me every other night," I mumbled and took a sip of water hoping to somewhat shake the feeling of him. Mason sat quiet beside me for a few moments before speaking up again. "You were right last night, you know," he made sure I was listening before continuing, "Niall's nothing like Cameron." I furrowed my eyebrows at his statement and sat up straighter. Placing my glass of water on the side table I spoke, "why such a change of heart?"
Mason looked away from my gaze and focused on his clasped hands in his lap. "He cares about you," he said before adding, "a lot." His statement confused me. Where was this last night when he was screaming at me? "What makes you say that? You didn't think about this before you chose to pick a fight with me?" I asked.
He brought his hand up to run over his face, clearly annoyed with my question. "Carter, don't start this again, please. I was wary of him last night because everything seemed to be happening so fast between you two," he explained. I huffed and he shot me a glare. I put my hands up in surrender but motioned for him to continue. "He came over this morning while you were asleep." I was caught off guard at his statement and gasped, "what? Why?"
"He wasn't here for you, don't get your panties in a twist," he waved me off but kept speaking, "he wanted to make sure everything was okay between him and I ." I was still taken aback but Mason got up off my bed and grabbed my water before heading towards my door. "You coming to get breakfast or are you just going to sit there gobsmacked all day?" I quickly nodded my head before pushing myself off my bed, making a mental note to change my sheets later. I padded down the stairs hot on Mason's heals, just now realizing how hungry I was. Once I was settled at the table with three pancakes and some bacon, I turned to face Mason who was still cooking pancakes for himself. "What did he say?" He looked at me for a second before turning his attention back to the cooking batter. He shrugged but answered, "he wanted to know if he did something wrong to piss me off."
"And..." I urged him to continue.
"And I said no but I told him that if he's not in it with you 100 percent then he needs to leave," he recalled.
I was terrified of asking my next question but I needed to know what he said. "What was his response?" The look Mason gave me made the pancakes in my stomach to become uneasy.
"He said, 'I'm never leaving this couch then,'" Mason groaned. "It was the cheesiest thing I've ever heard." I chuckled as the contents in my stomach settled back to normal. "He also said that he knows the situation he's putting you in and if he didn't think you could handle it then he would've never gotten involved," he said carefully.
I wasn't looking at him but I could feel him staring at me waiting for a reaction. I was too lost in my own thoughts to come up with a response. The fact that Niall has thought about how this situation could affect me gave me butterflies. He really does care a lot. I never sat down and truly thought about what this could mean for me. I still feel like we've been so secluded from the real world that I didn't think about the fact that he has millions of fans that could destroy me. Sure, the Twitter thing happened with our ship name trending but that was only with one picture. People don't really know what's happening between us but if it ever gets confirmed, who knows what could happen.
Mason's voice broke me from my thoughts, "he doesn't want you to get hurt." He placed his plate stacked with pancakes on the table in front of him, motioning me to pass him the syrup. I handed it to him and Mason piped up again. "Everything I said last night about him using you to get people to talk about him was utter nonsense. He's literally ready to beat the shit out of anyone who says anything bad about you." He sounded impressed as he retold the conversation the two had. "I trust him." I turned my attention from my fork to Mason, surprised.
"Holy hell, that's a first," I pointed out. He shrugged it off like it was no big deal that this has been the first guy since Cameron he's trusted with me. "Mason," I called and his head shot up to meet my eyes. There was something in his gaze that I couldn't quite place but it wasn't regret of his previous statement. "I mean it, Carter. He's close to fucking perfection," he commented and I laughed loudly.
"Looks like he's got you under his spell too."
~
Two days later it was down pouring. It had been going strong for forty-eight hours and had no sign of letting up soon. I had cooped myself up in my room with Netflix on and a cup of tea constantly in my hands. It was a bummer no doubt, but I was happy to finally have a few days to myself to just sit and think. I thought about uni and how it's only a few months away, how this could be my last summer with Mason and Shay, and Cameron somehow shimmied himself into my thoughts as always. Niall, however, was the topic currently on my mind and how much things have changed since we met almost a month ago.
I wondered what made me so drawn to him and him to me. Why is it that someone who has the entire world at their fingertips still chooses to stay at this little beach with three random kids? I thought about why he's so intent on making sure I know this isn't just some summer game he's playing. Over and over again he's shown how much he cares about the position he's putting me in. And over and over again I question myself whether or not it's worth it and I always come out with the same answer.
He's worth a whole lot more to me than whatever backlash I'll receive.
I'm a different person when I'm with him. I'm still me, of course, but I'm a happier, more carefree version of myself. He could suggest anything for us to do and I'd shrug and say let's do it. If Niall wanted to jump off a bridge, I'd jump with him. Simple as that. With him I'm willing to let go of all the worries I have built up inside of me. I forget everything around me at the slightest touch, butterflies erupt at every glance, and every kiss sews up a piece of my forever mending heart.
And I'm equally terrified as I am happy. It scares me to death that that's the affect he has on me. No one's ever been able to make me feel like that since Cameron and I'm horrified that I could end up just as heartbroken as I was the first time. It takes everything in me not to run away and say 'fuck this, I give up on love'. But there's something inside of me constantly telling myself that I can't run.
I can't give up just yet because he could very well be the best thing I'll ever have.
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This chapter is long af but since it took me so long to update it's well deserved. I struggled writing this chapter so much and I think it's because I wanted it to be deep. I really wanted to get inside Carter's head and let you guys really see what she's struggling with and why Cameron's such a big deal.
PSA: His POV will be popping back up in the story soon but until then love you all!
(Vote and comment to let me know how I'm doing. I want your thoughts too :) )