~Thursday, April 16th~
{Belle's POV}
The wind violently blew against the leaves causing a loud rustling sound. Beads of water furiously pelted against anything that came in its way. The London sky stayed dark gray during the storm. Thunder nor lightning struck, it was simply a rain storm.
I'm the only one awake to witness this. It's the prettiest storm I've ever seen. That might sound weird but as I've said a while ago I love rain. Every sound it makes against objects, every bolt of light to illuminate the room, everything about it.
Silently I walked outside to the back yard and sat on the wet grass that's mixed with mud. The rain drenched my clothing as I stared up at the dark sky. Rain hit my face causing my skin to sting but I didn't mind.
The sky looks so dark, as if it's angry. When I was younger, about seven, my mom would say when it rains God is crying. That the sky represents how sad he is with what people are doing down on the earth.
Maybe he's upset with me. Or with Niall. Or with someone else in this world. It could be anyone, but how he's feeling is exactly how I feel.
I knew that one day I would regret my decisions. That I would regret cutting and being anorexic. That day is today. If I didn't cut I wouldn't be causing others pain. If I didn't stop eating Niall never would've gotten drunk and yell at me.
Seeing the pain in everyone's eyes because of my decisions makes me wish I weren't here. People would be happy. The boys wouldn't of had to pause their tour, and Scott would be alive. Everyone would be living their lives perfectly.
A strike of lightning didn't even make me move. I spread my legs out in front of my and placed my hands palm down on the ground, letting the mud seep between my fingers. My hair stuck to my neck and the little part of my back that showed from my shirt being lower in the back.
I continued to stare up at the sky. Everything about it calmed me. Even though all of the negative thoughts are roaming my mind the storm is erasing them. All the sounds that the rain creates deleted every paranoid thought and clears my mind. Nothing can bother me at this moment.
When the second bolt of lightning struck right above me I knew I had to go back inside. Just because I want to die doesn't mean I should let myself.
Slowly I walked back inside, my socks squish in the wet mud. Before I stepped inside I took off my socks and left them outside near the door. I wrung my hair out then walked inside.
I noticed how Niall was fast asleep on the couch, snores escaping his mouth. His arms hugged himself probably trying to stay warm. I took a blanket out from a hall closet and laid it over him. He instantly cuddled into the source of the warmth. I left a kiss on his forehead before trekking up the stairs.
Just because I'm scared of him doesn't mean I can't be nice.
I stripped out of my soaking wet clothes and tossed them into the bathtub to let them dry then pulled on a pair of sweats and a hoodie. I laid down in bed and snuggled into the blankets.
Sleep didn't come to me though. All through the plane ride I slept and when we got back it was around midnight. Now it's two in the morning. Usually I could sleep whenever I'd like to, but I just don't feel the need to. So instead of sleeping I just laid on my back listening to the sounds of the rain and closed my eyes.
My heart pounded gently against my chest as my lungs inhaled and exhaled with air. Everything at the moment is calm. The past few days have been so crazy that at this moment I feel peaceful. My mind isn't running like motor, instead it's like the clouds slowly soaring in the sky.
I don't want to leave this moment but sleep decided to hit me. I tried to fight it off but I failed.
***
"Hey curly. Wake up." Harry's deep voice whispered into my ear, gently shaking my shoulder. I moaned pushing his face away with my hand. He chuckled before ripping the blanket off of me. The cool air hit my freezing body. "Five more minutes mom." I whined, curling up in the fetal position.
"We have a surprise for you today. Please wake up." I shot up from my bed and ran off to the bathroom. "I'll be down stairs in fifteen minutes!" I yelled as I turned on the hot water. From behind me I could hear Harry laughing at me. Not a bad kind of laugh, but a good one. Like he's laughing at how easy it was to get me out of bed.
Who can blame me, I love surprises!
I walked into the shower letting the hot water bounce off of my skin. It felt better than the cold hard pellets from last night, but that was still nice. I cleansed my body with honey scented soap and scrubbed my hair with the same scented shampoo.
As I walked out of the shower the cold air hit my body sending a shiver down my spine. Quickly I wrapped my towel around my body and blow dried my hair. I want to get to this surprise! But I also want to show Harry that I'll actually be done in fifteen minutes.
I only took seven minutes in the shower, during that I picked out my outfit in my mind so now I won't waste time on that. I tried to dry my hair with a towel but it only came out not as wet. Trying not to waste anymore time I pulled it up in a messy bun.
After putting on my white lace shirt, with a white bandeau underneath, black shorts, and black and white striped suspenders that hang off of the shorts I had three minutes to spare. A few strands of my hair fell out of my bun, but now it looks cuter. I put on foundation and mascara, being the lazy person I am that's all I did.
I ran down the stairs to be greeted by all the boys sitting at the table. All had big smiles, but Niall's looked force. His eyes held sorrow and guilt. My smile faded from that. "Less that fifteen. Nice!" Harry cheered, making my smile come back a little. "Now lets go!" I yelled, grabbing Louis by his forearm and pulling him towards the door. Of course he didn't move because someone 'has' to be really strong and I have to be really weak.
"We didn't have breakfast yet." He stated, sympathy in his eyes. No way. Nope. Not gonna happen. I'm not eating! I just can't. It's hard. Trying to eat after starving yourself is so hard to keep it down. And I have to keep it down which is even hard, like I've said I'm emetophobia.
I looked around the room for any help but they all averted their eyes to something or someone else. Fuck my life. Forcing myself I walked into the kitchen and grabbed an apple, went back to the boys, and sat down next to Liam. They all gave me looks as if saying 'please eat more'. I sighed, rubbing my thumb against the apple skin. "I'm trying. Cole is getting me to eat to. It might not be a lot, but it's something." I stared down at the fruit, feeling sick to my stomach.
***
"Can I take off this blindfold?" I asked, adjusting the blue bandana that the boys tied around my eyes after breakfast. It's really itchy and I don't want to mess up my makeup. "Five more minutes." Liam said and someone patted my shoulder. Instantly I flinched, moving away from the hand. "Sorry." I mumbled, fiddling with my thumbs.
After my past I'm not good with being blindfolded and not able to see what's going on around. I need to know where I am, who's around me, and what's going on. When Harry said he has a surprise for me I didn't think I would be blindfolded. This is all really scary for me.
"It's okay. It was just me." Louis said softly, gently wrapping his arm around me. I flinched again but relaxed into him. "Now can I take it off?" I asked, a smirk playing across my lips. Louis pushed his two fingers into my side making me jump. I turned towards him, hoping I'm looking the right way, and stuck my tongue out at him. "So someone is ticklish." I could practically hear him smirking. Damn it!
"Um, no. Paul drive faster before he tickles me!" I begged before Louis fingers wiggled against my side. No! Laughter filled the car, not just from me, but from everyone. My lungs started to beg for air as my stomach churned the apple that was digesting.
I gasped for air and hopefully Louis noticed. I tried to pull his fingers away and finally he released me. "Thank. You." I spoke between gasps.
"We're here." Paul announced from the front seat once I finally caught my breath. Thank God, now I can finally take off this blindfold. "Keep on the blindfold. We'll lead you in." Liam instructed. Damn it! I can't see and it's weird. Why are they bringing me to a surprise anyways?
Slowly, I was guided out of the car, through a parking lot, and into some building. The boys got greeted by some lady so I guess they've been here before. Never mind that's a bad guess. Everyone knows who they are. So I have absolutely no clue what's going on.
Someone picked me up and I screamed. My heart beat wildly in my chest and in my ears. Who is taking me? Why did they pick me up? I'm gonna die! Tears leaked down my cheeks as I flailed my arms and legs while slapping who ever picked me up in the chest.
"Sh. Belle it's just me. Shhh." Zayn coo'd as I wrapped my legs around his waist and arms around his neck. "I'm sorry." I whispered, calming my tears by taking deep breaths. He rubbed circles in my back whilst cooing me in my ear. "It's all okay. Nothing bad is going to happen. We're just bringing you upstairs. I'll take the blindfold off." I nodded feeling Zayn carefully untie the bandana.
I shoved my face back into the crook of his neck. My eyes stopped overflowing with tears. Instead I just accepted the warmth of Zayn's arms like Niall did with the blanket early this morning. Everyone needs a little warmth every so often.
"Are you awake love?" Liam whispered. I looked up with open eyes and a smile. "Are we at the surprise?" I asked, my smile growing wider by the second. He nodded and I instantly wiggled out of Zayn's arms.
I looked around to see we're in a recording studio. My surprise is watching them record songs? That's still cool, but really? This is still cool. Maybe I'll learn something.
"So Belle what song are you gonna sing?" Harry asked. I looked at him with raised eyebrows and wide eyes. I'm recording a song? Ha ha. Very funny. No, I'm not good enough to record a song. "Nice joke. But seriously what are we doing here?" All of them chuckled, even a small one escaped Niall's lips.
For the first time I noticed how quiet Niall is. Our eyes connects and he gave me a small smile, I did the same. "We're serious. It's part of making up your birthday. The second part is tomorrow. Now get in there!" Louis exclaimed, gently pushing me into the booth causing mine and Niall's eye contact to break.
Inside was a mic with the circle part of the mic in front of it placed in front of the window, another mic positioned over a piano, guitars, and a bass. "Can I use these?" I asked into the mic, just in case if that's the only way they can hear me. All of them nodded as Harry sat in front of the sound board.
Hmm. What song should I sing.
A few song titles I've written flowed through my mind as I sat down on the piano bench. Suddenly the perfect song hit me. Because of that a smile spread on my lips.
Just as I was about to play Harry knocked on the glass. I gave him a confused look. He tapped his headphones indicating I need to out them on. I nodded, placing the bulky headphones. "Go ahead curly."
I pressed down the first few keys then started playing.
"Where is the moment we needed the most?
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
They tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on
'Cause you had a bad day, you're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know, you tell me don't lie
You work on a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day, the camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on
You had a bad day, you're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know, you tell me don't lie
You work on a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day, the camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
Mmm, on a holiday
Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing it turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong
So where was the passion when you need it the most?
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
'Cause you had a bad day, you're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know, you tell me don't lie
You work on a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day, you see what you're like
And how does it feel a one more time?
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day"
I wrote that one day when I felt like shit. Just absolute shit. I wrote it as a song, trying to think positive. But everything seemed to be crashing down in my soul. It was a few minutes after my mom abused me. I wanted to call Zayn but I couldn't. I didn't tell him about me getting abused. So I was alone.
Everyday I had to fight that battle alone. I've never been one to give up, but after cutting it's like I surrendered. Lately I keep giving up so easily. I'm tired of fighting.
Tears pricked at my eyes from bring that back. From remembering how alone I was and how easily I gave up. I took a deep breath trying to contain myself. You will not cry! Don't cry!
"That was ace Belle!"
"Did you write that?"
"Hell yeah girl!"
"That was amazing!"
"You kicked that fucking songs arse!"
I giggled from their responses. Especially the last one because it was Niall's. He actually said something! He said something! A smiled widely, trying to focus on their compliments. But the memory of being alone and every pain I had to keep inside still stuck in the back of my mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author's Note
This is my update for Friday. I'll be in Boston and won't have any time to write. I'm sorry! My school will be leaving tomorrow at 5:20. IN THE MORNING! I have to wake up at 4.
So I'm not sure if I'll write another chapter this weekend either. I will try! But I'll probably sleep the entire weekend because I'll be so tired. But whenever I'm awake I'll try! Love you all!!!
Love, Isabella