Chapter Nineteen: Answers Aren't for Everyone
Destined to be evil? Me, evil...? It just doesn't fit. I could barely kill a bug, let alone anyone else for that matter!
I was about to argue with Derrek and tell him he couldn't be more wrong, but I knew I couldn't. The moment I heard the word blood leave his lips, images of the other day filled my mind. I saw the blood stained ground, the scent lingering in the air. I was terrified that day, but mostly because my wolf was enjoying it. Actually liking the 'power' she felt by knowing she had killed someone... She had murdered someone, something... I had committed a murder.
"Roxie, I tried my hardest to keep you out of this life. Shit!" Derrek growled in frustration. "I was supposed to protect you. Mom and Dad never wanted any of this for you," He sighed, running a hand down his face.
"I-I..." I trailed off, not sure what to say at a time like this.
Now that Gloria was at rest and no longer stirring me up, I could finally think clearly again. I wanted to cry. How did I let her get into my head like she did? She controlled me. I feel used and dirty.
"Why is this happening now?" I asked, no longer being able to take the questions flooding my mind.
"It's complicated," Derrek stated, but I wasn't going to accept that for an answer.
"Derrek, you told me you would tell me. I need to know... can I fix this?" I asked hesitantly.
"No, it's too late. I'm so sorry, Roxie. I failed you as a brother, I could've prevented this better! I wasn't strict enough, I didn't watch over you to make sure you were in your room. I should have never let you in on that pack meeting! God, I'm so stupid!" Derrek shouted, his pain and anger getting the best of him.
"Derrek, it's my fault. I'm the one who's sorry; I should have listened," I tried to argue, but Derrek was already beating himself up over everything.
His fist connected with the wall, leaving a hole in it. He hollered at everyone to leave, but Mabel shook her head no. She told him she needed to discuss something with me and he should take some time to cool off. Derrek wanted nothing more than to disagree and ignore Mabel's comment, but Lance forced him out of the room.
They fought with each other for some time about who was who's Alpha. Derrek, of course, had to pull that card. Lance, however, didn't have to listen to Derrek. Beta's have the power to overrule their Alpha if his temper gets the best of him. That's exactly what was happening here with Derrek, he was mentally kicking himself in the ass.
Once they left, I felt tempted to call him back, because I wanted more answers. Mabel wouldn't allow me to though, she said she needed to talk to me alone. As much as I didn't want to do that, beings that last time everything fell apart, she made it happen.
So here I am, sitting in a room with Mabel. All alone and waiting for answers that I think will never come...
"You know how I told you that I saw your dreams and thoughts on my computer?" Mabel questioned and I nodded in response. "Well, it's your mate. Roxie, I know you love him. There's something you don't know and can't know."
"Why can't I know?!" I screamed as my last bit of patience ran out. "Everyone keeps telling me that I don't understand. You tell me I'm evil, that my wolf can kill me, that everything I've lived so far is a lie! Why the fuck can't I know?!" By this time, I couldn't hold in the tears as they fell down my face. "Mabel, I'm scared... I just want to know. Is that so much to ask? Don't I have a right to know what's happening to me?"
Mabel was hesitant to respond, but she did so anyway, "Roxie, you have every right to know. But I can't tell you, because it would force you to do something you don't want to... Look. The most I can say is that you need your mate. Gloria is trying to keep you from him in order to gain power. Roxie, don't let her take away the one thing in this world you've always wanted. Don't let her break your spirit and ruin your chances. You love him, and you may not know it, but he loves you just as much."
"No," I sobbed into my hands. "He's a complete asshole! You don't know him, Mabel, you have no idea of the things he called me! I want nothing to do with him, this has nothing to do with Gloria!"
"Roxie-" She started, but I wasn't finished.
"No, don't 'Roxie' me! You have no idea of the things I've been through these past few weeks! I get it, Mabel, the fates basically said 'Fuck you, Roxie'. I'm screwed no matter what I do, and frankly, I don't care. Leave me alone, stop pretending you know what's wrong with me, and STOP TALKING ABOUT FUCKING XAVIER!"
"Roxie, you really need to-"
"Need me to what?! Mabel, you don't know anything! Xavier never wanted me, he only wanted someone to kiss the ground he walks on. I'd rather become a monster than ever go back into the arms of that man."
"Wow... You really have changed..." She mumbled, and hearing her words hurt.
"No, I've just been through hell and back," I groaned, whipping away the stupid tears that had fallen earlier.
"Roxie, unless you want your world to get worse, suck it up and make up with Xavier. You need him more than you understand." And with that, she left.
I was left alone with the mixed emotions of anger, guilt, and sadness. Why did all this have to happen to me? Why couldn't I have the perfect mate and live a normal life? Mabel is lucky to have Lance, she can't pretend she knows what I'm going through because she reads stuff off her stupid laptop.
"I HATE YOU MOON GODDESS! I'm done with your sick and twisted games," I shouted to the girl us wolves hold as our God.
I was angry at fate. It gave me a horrible hand to be dealt. I wanted to cry, scream, hide and... Kill...
Who am I? Why have I become this monster? Mabel kept saying I need Xavier, but none of this happened until he came into the picture. I don't care about the feelings I get when I think of his face, the butterflies that fill my stomach when I hear his name. And I certainly don't care about his stupid Bimbos!
I hate him for making me love him! At least when Gloria's around, she gets rid of those feelings I have towards him. She numbs me from my pain and suffering, she makes me feel great... NO! I can't let myself fall into that lifestyle. I don't want that, I don't want to live as a monster! It's not who I am; it's not what I want!
I feel like an emotional train-wreck... Why can't I get a grip on who I am?
I closed my eyes and relaxed into the soft material of the couch. I tried to let my mind wander off, hoping sleep would soon follow. After many failed attempts, I knew sleep wasn't an option. There's too much going on in my mind for it to rest. I need to do something, but I have no idea what that something is.
Everything would just make sense if I knew. Everyone is treating me like I'm a child, yet a monster who will destroy the world. It hurts to be kept in the dark, ordered what to do and have to face it all alone. I'd be lying if I said I don't want a mate, because I do. I just don't want my mate.
I wonder what Xavier's doing right now... Has he noticed I'm gone? Does he want to get me back? Could he by any chance know who I am?
Part of me wants to run into his arms, and as Gloria grows weaker, that part grows stronger. I need him gone, I need to free myself from this pain. I feel like answers are my only form of closure I'll get. But how can I have closure if no one is willing to give me answers?
I wish there was something out there that didn't hide everything. I wish there was something that couldn't hide anything and would show me my fate in a flash... THAT'S IT! The Internet, of course! Everything is on the Internet, there's no doubt something would be there for me to find!
I got off the couch and stormed out of the room. I suddenly became determined to find some answers. Running down the hall and taking the steps two at a time, I quickly made it to my room. Once inside, I ran for my desk, in hopes my laptop would be there. To my luck, it was.
I picked up the purple and black sticker covered laptop and headed to sit at the edge of my bed. I began typing things into the Internet, praying my final option for answers would pull through. I searched 'Shimmer Wolf', but not much was there to be found. Bits of mythical stories on wolves and mates popped up, but nothing to be taken seriously. I knew I needed something else, anything to lead me to the answers I so badly seek.
Racking my brain, I typed in the only set of words I could link to who I am... Wolves "destined to be evil," I remembered Derrek say.
Typing that in, I saw the strangest passage I could have ever found:
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Corusco Lupus (Shimmer Wolves) - Beautiful.
Their beauty is their weapon, and their weapon shall be dealt.
No human side, for it is gone; the Corusco Lupus, powerful and strong.
They need no mate, for they only drag them down. But without a mate, others shall come around.
For miles and miles, near and far. Without a mate, others turn bizarre.
But fear you shall not, it's only blood they seek. Not the blood of the strong, but the blood of the weak.
So be blind to their beauty, but once those six months are up, no one is safe, only the pup.
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"I swear that just caused more questions than answers... AND WHO THE HELL WRITES IN RIDDLES NOW DAYS?!" I yelled as I slammed my hand down hard on the keyboard.
I frowned as all the keys went flying in different directions. "I guess that's just my luck," I mumbled, tossing the laptop to the side and falling into my bed.
I looked up at the ceiling, trying my hardest to form the meaning of the words in my head. I knew the first two lines were talking about Gloria's need for power, but the part about the mate is what got me... "Others shall come around," what could that possibly mean?
... LEO! A light went off in my head and he was the only person I could think to give me the answer. I didn't think he knew much about Shimmer Wolves, beings that he never said anything. But he's the only 'other' I know to ask. I need to go to him, I need to know whatever it is he knows.
But how can I do that? Derrek said he has Leo as a prisoner, and I'll never be allowed to go in the prison without Derrek's permission. I'm sure by now, everyone has gotten the memo to keep me hidden away from life.
I rolled my eyes, hating the fact I used to live this way and accept it. No, Derrek will not be locking me up and keeping me away from the truth. I'm a big girl now, I'll show him.
I hopped off my bed and quickly, a plan formed in my mind. Gloria has given me a new set of confidence and strength, who said while she's sleeping that I can't tap into her powers?
Yup, I'll have my chat with Leo. Derrek doesn't control me anymore. How great it feels to finally live without that stress on my conscience.