Please read Author's Note at the end.
~Friday, April 12th~
{Belle's POV}
Have you ever needed to just breath. Everyone breathes twenty-four-seven, but this is the breathing where you need to get away. Be by yourself, alone with your thoughts.
That's exactly what I need right now. I need my own space right now. Living with five guys is harder than I thought. Especially with my dyslexia. Whenever we have free time I'm forced to read.
Right now, I just need a break from it. My head hurts from frustration and my eyes burn from trying to concentrate on the letters to make them look normal. All of this practicing is helping, but I need a break.
Convincing the boys to let me take a walk, alone, was hard. Zayn kept saying he didn't want me to go by myself because I don't know the city, which is true. But I told him I wouldn't go far. A few days ago I saw a park close by so said I was going there.
The park is nearly empty since its a school day, so I have the place to myself. Even though I'm alone, I sat down on a bench. I closed my eyes, letting the sounds of the empty park fill my ears. The animals scurrying up tears, birds chirping, leaves ruffling, and the voices of old people chatting at a cafe down the street.
Silence has never been something I liked. Little noises like this was what I loved. I always found these moments perfect for singing. Ever since my 'accident' I haven't sang. I always thought I should only sing with Rose. But now that I won't see her in awhile I'll have to do it alone. So right now is the perfect time for it.
I pulled my knees up to my chest, rested my chin on my knees, kept my eyes closed and started to sing a song I've been working on.
Even through the darkest phase
Be it thick or thin
Always someone marches brave
Here beneath my skin
Constant craving
Has always been
Maybe a great magnet pulls
All souls towards truth
Or maybe it is life itself
That feeds wisdom
To its youth
Constant craving
Has always been
Craving
Ah ha
Constant craving
Has always been
Has always been
Constant craving
Has always been
Constant craving
Has always been
Craving
Ah ha
Constant craving
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been
"That was really good." I opened my eyes to see a boy maybe a year or two older than me standing in front of me. He has brown hair that's swept to the side complimented with pale blue eyes. A pair of dark red skinny jeans clung to his legs and a navy blue cardigan fitted around his upper body with a gray dress shirt underneath. His outfit is a little, fruity. But I shouldn't judge him. Louis used to wear red pants with a stripped shirt and he is completely straight.
"Sorry I didn't know anyone was here." I blurted out while dropping my knees so I was sitting normally. He chuckled while shaking his head. He's cute, but he looks older and I wouldn't be able to trust an older guy. Plus, there is a possibility that he is gay.
"Don't apologize. You're really good. The names Cole. What's yours?" The boy, Cole, introduced himself as he extended his hand towards me. I took his in mine shaking it saying "Belle." He nodded before taking a seat next to me.
One question struck my mind. Well two, but I'm not asking him if he'a gay or straight. He could be bisexual to, but I'm not going to ask that. "Shouldn't you be in school? It's only noon." I questioned, turning towards him. He chuckled again, his shoulders rising with each laugh.
"I kind of left. Things were just so hard. I needed to escape." A tear slipped out of his eye as he looked down at his suede dress shoes. I scooted a little closer so I could place my hand on his back. "I should go." He choked out as he wiped away the second tear.
"No stay, it's okay. You can stay. I've been told I'm good at listening." I tried to joke. But it was true what I said. When someone needs to cry or rant I'm always there.
With what I said he turned towards me, showing that he's an inch or two taller than me. The tears flowed down his cheeks. When I first saw him he looked strong, but now he's showing his weak and vulnerable side.
"I- They-" He sobbed, not able to get words out. "It's okay. Come here." I put my arms out earning a small fragile smile from Cole. He wrapped his arms tightly around my neck as if he hasn't been hugged in years.
"I- I came out a few m-months ago at h-home. My p-parents weren't happy. They barely talk to me o-or make eye contact at all." He stuttered over his words like I do when I read. I drew letters into his back spelling out 'assurance'. At school we had a day of silence for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people who are silenced. It was to assure people who haven't come out that there are others who support them.
"I didn't come out in school, but a-a few days ago my c-cousin told everyone. I guess m-my mum told my aunt and s-she told my cousin." Cole continued to tell his story. I tightened my grip around his torso feeling terrible for him. From what he's saying is that his family doesn't approve of his sexuality.
I didn't say anything in reply. Just like when I always comfort people I stay silent. It's the thing in best at. Cole's sobs were the only thing that filled the silence. "The kids at school have been b-bullying me. Everyday since Monday last week kids have b-beat me up. I have bruises everywhere. And I always have s-scars." When he said scars I knew exactly what he meant by that. Cuts. He cuts.
"Did you cut yourself?" That's the first thing I've said since I let him vent to me. He didn't reply. All he did was cry even harder. "It's okay. I used to do it to. I even tried to commit suicide." I chuckled towards the end. I haven't said that word out loud since, well I've tried to kill myself. I've been calling it an accident when it wasn't. I tried to die. On purpose.
Cole shot back from my arms giving me a mixed emotion look. Scared, worried, shocked, and panic. "Why- why would you do that? You're beautiful. If I were straight I'd totally hit on you." His tears seemed to pause as he spoke. Even though he just said he wouldn't hit on me it still felt nice to be called beautiful. I haven't been called that in a while.
"My mother abused me back in America. Then I got adopted because in my suicide note I wrote that she abused me." I explained, removing my arms from around his waist to look down at my hands.
We sat in silence, the only sounds are of us breathing. "Are you anorexic?" My breathing stopped and heartbeat picked up. At first I only ate the three main meals. Now, it's only when I'm with the boys. And that's only dinner, every other day.
Lately they've been having more photo shoots, interviews, and concerts. I went to the first few but everything moves so fast that I couldn't keep up. So now I stay home alone. Today was one of the days they only have an interview and they left at the same time I did.
Everyone slept in so we had a rushed breakfast. Well, the boys did. Since they were moving around and eating so fast they didn't notice that I didn't eat. At dinner I usually only put small portions on my plate then ate very little of it. When I eat my stomach wants to reject it. It wants me to throw up, but of course I have emetophobia.
Emetophobia is when someone is nervous and anxious around sick people, wondering if they'll throw up. It's even worse when I throw up. My entire body shakes and I can barely carry my own body weight. One night I slept in the bathroom because I couldn't hold myself up.
"How long?" Cole asked already knowing my answer for his first question. He knows that I am anorexic. "A week or two." I admitted as my eyes met his. His blue eyes make my brown ones look terrible. They take over mine. The colorful ones drowning over my dark pair.
Cole looked away, concentrating his eyes on his wrist. My eyes followed his landing on the red, dry blood, cuts. "C'mon. You said you wanted to escape. I know the perfect place." His eyes darted up to me, but they didn't connect with mine. I kept mine on his scarred wrist.
He's had it worse than me. My mother abused me, and school was my way of escaping. But for Cole, he has to sit through that torture for hours everyday and when he's home he gets it even worse. His family ignores him. I want to be his escape.
"Where?" I didn't answer his question. Instead I stood up in front of him, extended my hand, and added a smile. He stared at me, then at my hand, and back up at me. Finally he gave up and took my hand in his.
As we walked down the bare streets in silence Cole didn't let go of my hand. It feels different than when Emerson would hold my hand, or when the boys did. Cole makes me feel comforted. His slightly bigger one held onto mine tightly, making sure not to let go.
After about ten minutes of walking in a comfortable silence we arrived at my house. I saw Cole's jaw drop out of the corner of my eye. "Are we robbing this place?" Disgust dripped from each word he spoke. One giggle after another escaped my lips as I shook my head.
"It's my house. The guy that adopted me lives with his four best friends and they're pretty rich." I explain as I pulled Cole inside who is moving insanely slow.
"Trust me." I stood in front of him with a smile covering my features. Cole chuckled and nodded before following me inside.
I gave him a short tour around the house and telling him small details about myself. Like my age, where I'm originally from, and my favorite color. He did the same. He's turned fifteen last month, he's lived in London his entire life, and loves the color red.
"So is this where you said we'd escape? Your house?" A giggle escaped my lips as I shook my head. I squeezed his hand and gently pulled him towards the living room. I grabbed a few blankets on the way then led him to the couch.
Cole sat down as I made my way to the movie drawer. A few days ago Harry and I stocked up the drawer with movies I like or ones I wanted to see. "What's your favorite movie?" I asked, kneeling down in front of the drawer. I looked over my shoulder to see Cole blushing as he said "The Perks Of Being A Wallflower." My lips tugged up into an involuntary smile.
"You are now my best friend and you're going to deal with it." That sent Cole into a fit of laughter. It wasn't that funny, but okay.
As I sat down Cole became serious. "Before we watch the movie you need to eat something." I groaned into a pillow making Cole chuckle. "C'mon. Just some crisps or pretzels or even crackers." I huffed and walked into the kitchen, shoving my hands deep into my back pockets of jeans.
I came back in with two bags of the small travel sized bags of pretzels. One for me and one for Cole. "Good. Now come sit." Cole stated while patting the cushion on the couch next to him. I sat down keeping a good distance between us, I don't want to creep him out.
"I'm gay, I don't have cooties." I giggled and scooted closer. Cole tossed his arm around my shoulder to pull me into his chest.
Just as the movie started to play Cole spoke up. "Thanks for this. I really need a friend like you." My heart warmed up along with my smile. It's nice to have a friend. I have some, but they're in America. Now I have one with me. And it's just what I needed. "If you ever need me. I'll be here."
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Author's Note
First, that song is called Constant Craving by K.D. Lang.
Second, I'm sorry for not updating yesterday. I tried to make it longer. I have no good excuse to why I didn't update. I was watching movies when I could've been writing so I'm sorry.
Third, the next update will be Friday. I need time to figure out what to do next. If I can figure it out tomorrow I'll start writing it and try and put it up before Friday.
Fourth, I'm starting to write a new Niall fan fic. Will anyone read it? I won't put it up until I finish my Harry one. But I just want to know if people will read it.
Fifth and last, thanks to everyone who reads this story and reads the author's notes. I love you all!!!
Love, Isabella