Seb nearly winced as Jessie squeezed his hand tightly. Boy, she had a strong grip. He thought to himself that if she did end up pregnant he'd probably end up with a broken hand when she was in labour.
"Ok Jessie, we are ready start," the consultant said. "Just tell me if anything hurts. It shouldn't hurt, but you may feel uncomfortable.
Seb felt sick with nerves. This was it. This was the day their embryos would be placed inside Jessie's womb. After a discussion with the consultant they'd chosen to have two of the five successfully fertilised ones put back, and the other three frozen in case they decided to try again.
Jessie closed her eyes. She felt sick. She knew Seb was excited but she was just filled with a sense of dread. She knew she should be more positive, but she'd been knocked down so many times at this stage that she just couldn't envisage a happy outcome.
She could hear one of the nurses describing everything that was happening to Seb. She knew that he'd be watching the procedure via the ultrasound, which she'd chose not to watch.
After around fifteen minutes the consultant announced that the transfer was complete.
"Jessie?" She opened her eyes and saw Seb staring at her over the top of his blue surgical mask, his eyes full of concern.
"Are you ok?"
"Yeah," she replied automatically. "Just a little sore, but I expected that."
Seb knew she wasn't right. She'd not opened her eyes once during the procedure, not that he'd seen anyway, but he had been alternating between looking at her and watching the ultrasound on the screen. It had been fascinating to see the catheter enter Jessie and place their embryos in her womb. Their embryos, their babies! Would it work? Maybe they'd even end up with twins!
"Ok, let's get you back to the ward," one of the nurses said.
Seb walked behind the bed as Jessie was pushed back to her room. He took off his face mask, glad to take in a breath of fresher air.
"How long until Jessie can go home?" he asked the nurse as she raised the back of the bed and slipped a pillow behind Jessie's head.
"Just a couple of hours, although when she gets home she needs to take it easy for a few days. You'll be briefed on the do's and don'ts before she's discharged. Can I get you both a cup of tea?"
"No thank you, but a cup of water would be nice, thank you."
"Of course. Jessie?"
"Water please."
The nurse left and Seb sat down on the chair next to Jessie's bed. He picked her hand up.
"How are you feeling? Does it hurt?"
"I feel the same as when you asked me five minutes ago," Jessie replied, smiling softly at him.
Seb reached out and cupped her cheek. He was full of conflicting emotions. He felt hopeful and optimistic that the transfer would work, but he felt like he couldn't show his feelings to Jessie. He knew she wasn't letting herself get her hopes up. He was also terrified that it would fail and shatter Jessie's heart once again. He knew he'd be heartbroken himself, but it would be so much worse for her.
"I love you," he told her.
"I love you too. I'd better give Mum a ring and let her know it's done."
Seb took her phone from out of the drawer of the bedside unit and handed it to her. He sat listening as she called her mum.
They'd finally told Thomas and Laura about their IVF attempt after they'd returned from Cornwall. Seb had suggested it as he knew Jessie's mum would know exactly how her daughter felt and it would be good for Jessie to talk to her about her fears. His own parents didn't know about it. He'd decided there was no need to tell them and get their hopes up. They'd tell them of it was successful.
"Seb?" He glanced at Jessie.
"Yes kleine maus?"
"Mum asked if we'd like to go down and stay for a bit? You know, to take our minds off of things."
"That would be lovely, if that's what you want." She nodded. He heard her tell her mum that they'd love to.
The next couple of hours dragged but finally, after being told the do's and don'ts, and being given a leaflet with information on, Seb and Jessie left the clinic.
A nurse pushed Jessie to the car in a wheelchair. Seb helped her out and onto the passenger seat.
"Now remember if you experience any concerns to ring the number on the leaflet. You can reach someone 24/7. Good luck. I hope to hear some good news from you soon. Once you've take your test give us a call."
"Thank you," Jessie said. Seb thanked the nurse too and then got into the car.
Jessie was quiet all the way home. About halfway Seb noticed that she'd fallen asleep.
When they arrived back he got out of the car and unlocked the front door. He propped it open with one of his trainers that was in the hallway and went back to the car. He opened Jessie's door and reached across to undo her seatbelt. Then he scooped her up into his arms. She began to wake as he carried her inside the house.
"Seb?"
"Shhh baby. It's ok. We're home. Do you want to lay on the sofa or go up to bed?"
"The sofa."
Seb walked into the lounge and gently lowered Jessie onto the sofa. He then kissed her forehead.
"I'll be back in a minute," he told her. "I'm just going to lock the car."
Jessie wriggled into a sitting position. She just knew Seb was going to wrap her up in cotton wool. It was nice that he cared so much, but she wasn't an invalid.
She stood up and slowly walked into the kitchen. She switched the kettle on and stood looking out of the window at the back garden.
"Jessie, what do you think you're doing?" She turned and almost laughed at the look of horror on Seb's face.
"Making a cup of hot chocolate."
"I can do that for you. Back to the sofa now!" He didn't wait for her to do as she was told. He scooped her up again and carried her back into the lounge. "Stay there! You are not to do a thing for at least two days!"
"Really? They said I can move about, as long as I don't do anything over strenuous."
"Jessie, you are not lifting a finger. I don't care what they said. You could be carrying my baby, or babies, and I'm going to look after you. Now do you want anything to eat as well as your hot chocolate?"
Jessie knew it was pointless arguing with him. He was one hell of a stubborn man.
"A sandwich would be lovely, thank you," she told him.
"Any preference?"
"Surprise me."
Minutes later he returned from the kitchen with a ham and cheese sandwich, a yoghurt and a banana. He handed Jessie the plate and then vanished again, returning with a cup of hot chocolate, which he put down on the coffee table. He then sat down next to her.
Jessie ate her lunch in silence. She couldn't stop thinking about what was going on inside her. Two of hers and Seb's little embryos were in there, fighting to get the chance to mature into their son or daughter.
Once she'd finished her lunch she stood up. Seb was immediately on his feet.
"What do you need? Sit down. I'll get it."
"Unless you can pee for me this is something I have to do for myself," Jessie told him. She sighed as he scooped her off of her feet again. "Seb, I am more than capable of going to the toilet by myself!"
"I know, but it's better to be safe than sorry." He carried her to the downstairs toilet, putting her down by the door.
Jessie opened the door and stepped inside. She turned and looked at her over protective husband.
"I can pee by myself," she told him before shutting the door and locking it.
She sat down on the toilet and sighed loudly. She loved Seb so much but if he kept on wrapping her in cotton wool like this she would end up throttling him.
Still, on Saturday they'd be going to stay with her parents for a week, maybe her dad would take him off fishing or something to give her a break.
She stood up, pulled her panties up and flushed the chain, then washed her hands.
She opened the door and he was stood exactly where she'd left him.
"Seb..." she began, but she didn't get to finish. He scooped her up and made his way back to the lounge. She guessed she'd just have to put up with it for now.
***
Seb pulled onto the gravel driveway at the side of Thomas and Laura Thornton's detached house. He had been there a couple of times before and he loved the small village they lived in. It was on the outskirts of Salisbury, so wasn't too far from civilisation, but was isolated enough for them to live a peaceful life away from suburbia.
"How long have your parents lived here?" he asked, realising that he'd never actually asked before. All he knew was it wasn't the home Jessie had grown up in. They'd moved there sometime after she'd left home to work for Williams when she was nineteen.
"Um, it was the first summer after I met you. They wanted something quieter, somewhere nearer to Mum's work."
That made sense. Laura Thornton had worked at the hospital in Salisbury, having retrained as nurse when Jessie was small. She had recently retired after working way past the age of sixty nine. Thomas was still working part time at the garage business he had set up, but had delegated a lot of the work to his business partner, Ross.
They both got out of the car. Jessie glared at Seb as he rounded the car.
"Don't even think about picking me up Sunshine," she warned him. She'd had two and a half days of him refusing to let her walk anywhere and she'd had enough.
"Jessie..."
Jessie marched off towards the front door, ignoring him. Seb shook his head and opened the boot. He got their suitcase out and followed after her.
When he reached the door she'd already gone inside and he could hear the excited yaps of Ruby, her parents' Bichon Frise.
Following the yaps and the voices, he located Jessie and her parents in the dining room.
"Seb, how's the leg? It's good to see you son." Thomas stood up and pulled Seb into a hug.
"All good thanks Thomas. I've stepped up my training a bit, and I've promised Martha I'm going to keep it up for the week I'm here. How are you?"
"Can't complain!"
"Seb! Look at you! Your hair looks so much better! Jessie, he really does look scrumptious doesn't he?" Seb felt himself blushing as Laura winked at her daughter. "I mean, how do you keep your hands off of him?"
"Mum!" Jessie exclaimed, trying not to laugh.
"As I've told you before, I may be old but I'm not blind!"
"Laura behave!" Thomas said.
"If I must. Now can I get you kids a drink? It's hot out there so I expect you're rather parched. I can offer you Pepsi Max, Sprite, Appletiser, Orange and Mango J2O or water."
"Oooh I'll have an Appeltiser please Mum."
"I'd better stick to water," Seb said. "I need to get back in shape for Zandvoort."
"If you're out of shape then fuck knows what I am," Laura replied.
"Jessie, sit down," Seb told her. Jessie rolled her eyes but took a seat at the table. Seb crouched down to pet Ruby who was yapping at his ankles.
He and Thomas began to talk about how the season had been progressing without him . The six races he'd missed had seen him fall to fifth in the championship, and Lewis was right on heels in sixth. He knew he'd have to drive out of his skin when he returned.
Laura returned carrying a tray. She placed it on the table and handed everyone their drink.
"So how are you feeling sweetheart?" she asked Jessie.
"I just feel normal. I had some cramps over the first twenty four hours but I feel ok. Seb is fussing too much."
"Kleine maus, it's only because I love you."
"I love you too, and I know you mean well but there's no need to carry me everywhere."
"You can carry me if you like Seb,' Laura joked. "Seriously though, she doesn't need carrying. She can just do what she usually does now. What on earth will you be like if she's pregnant? You can't carry her everywhere for nine months!"
"I guess."
Jessie knew he would if he thought she'd let him. He was so protective, over protective even.
"So I have to go into Salisbury on Monday, I need to buy a birthday present for your Aunt Emma. How about we have a girls day out? We could have lunch and engage in some retail therapy?"
"That sounds great to me Mum."
"Don't worry Sebastian, I'll make sure she doesn't overdo it."
"I didn't say a word."
"You didn't have to."
"It will be good to get rid of them for a few hours," Thomas said. "If they're not here they can't nag us. Actually, I might go fishing. Fancy it?"
"Um, I have no idea what to do. I've never fished before."
"You haven't? That's sorted then, I'm taking you fishing."
Jessie tried not to smile too much. She absolutely adored Seb but she was looking forward to spending a day with her mum. There were things she wanted to talk about, things that Seb just didn't understand. Her Mum had been in her position. She knew exactly how Jessie felt.
Seb knew he was being stupid but the thought of being apart from Jessie for even a few hours was worrying him, but how could he ask her to stay with him without sounding like a control freak?
"Ok," he agreed. "Sounds like fun." It didn't, but he had to try.
That's sorted then," Laura declared. "Tomorrow I'll cook us a Roast Beef dinner, we can have a lazy day in the garden, then on Monday we'll hit the shops. You never know Jessie, you might find some nice sexy lingerie to wear for your man."
Jessie felt her cheeks turning red. She glanced up and Seb was grinning back at her cheekily. She knew he'd have no problems with that!
***
"What about this sweetheart? Do you think your dad would like it?"
Jessie blushed as she saw the hot pink lace bra and pantie set her mum was holding up.
"Mum, I really don't want to think about you and Dad...."
Laura burst out laughing. "Oh Jessie, it's so easy to wind you up. Seriously though, Seb might like it."
"He probably would," Jessie agreed, glancing around the lingerie department to make sure no one else was within hearing distance. "But it would help if we were actually having sex."
She walked away before her mum could answer. Laura put the bra and pantie set back on the rack and followed her through the store and out onto the street.
"Jessie! Wait up!"
Jessie slowed down and waited for her mum to fall in to step besides her.
"What's wrong? You and Seb, you're ok aren't you?"
"We're fine. Look Mum, can we go and get a drink or something?"
"Of course." Laura led Jessie down a nearby alleyway, stopping outside a quaint little cafe. "This place is a little hidden gem. They make the best pastries. Don't tell your dad we came here though. He'll be jealous."
A bell above the door rang as Laura pushed it open and they stepped inside. The first thing that struck Jessie was how narrow the place was. There were just eight tables, four along each side of the cafe, a walkway in the middle of the two rows. Every table was covered in green and white chequered table cloths. To her relief the place was empty apart from the heavily pregnant waitress stood by the counter.
Laura sat down at one of the tables nearest the door. Jessie sat opposite her, picking up a menu and reading it.
"Good afternoon ladies! Can I get you anything to drink?"
Jessie glanced up at the waitress and was immediately jealous of the perfect baby bump she had.
"I'll have a cappuccino please," Laura replied. "Jessie?"
"I'll have an iced water please."
"Of course. It's hot out there isn't it?"
"Yeah extremely," Jessie answered her. "It must be hard for you. When are you due?"
"In seven weeks," the waitress replied, rubbing her bump proudly. "It's a little girl."
"Congratulations," Jessie said, smiling even though inside her heart was aching. Would that ever be her?
The waitress, Stacey according to her name badge, went back to the counter and began to prepare Laura's cappuccino.
"So what's going on with you and Seb?"
"I think I'll have the jacket potato with tuna and sweetcorn filling," Jessie said, avoiding her mum's question.
"Jessamyn, please. I'm concerned." Jessie sighed. She wished she'd never said anything, but she knew her mum wouldn't let it go now.
"Everything is fine between me and Seb, I love him, he loves me."
"But you're not having sex?"
Jessie blushed.
"Well I wouldn't say we never do, but it's not very often, not like it used to be. I mean he was in plaster for six weeks which made things difficult. We've only done it twice since then, I just never feel like it. He's amazing, he says it doesn't matter, but I worry I'm disappointing him."
"Oh sweetheart. I'm sure you're not. That man worships you. The way he looks at you is sickening."
"Deep down I know that I guess but I still feel like I'm letting him down."
"Darling, do you know why you don't feel like it?" Jessie nodded, blinking back tears.
"I just feel so stressed and worried about the IVF. This is our last chance. If it doesn't work I don't think I can go through it again. We had three embryos frozen in case but I just dont think...". She felt her tears spill out of her eyes and run silently down her cheeks.
Laura reached across the table and took her daughter's hand.
"Oh my darling. I wish you didn't have to go through this. I know how you feel, but I got my happy ending. I remember the gut wrenching feeling every month when my period came. Year after year after year. Then the failed attempts....no one can know how much it hurts unless they've been through it themselves. You have to keep the faith, because if you don't it will eat you up inside. You have to believe you will be a mother. Right this moment you could have your son or daughter growing inside you."
"I can't believe that Mum, I just can't. If I have hope it will hurt even more if it fails again."
She picked up a green napkin and wiped her tears away as she saw the waitress returning.
"Here you go, one cappuccino and one iced water. Would you like to order any food?"
"I'll have a jacket potato please. Tuna and sweetcorn filling."
"I'll have the same," Laura added.
After the waitress had gone Laura began to speak again.
"I can't tell you to not be stressed. I can't tell you not to worry, but what I can tell you is to talk to Seb. Lean on him. He is there for you whatever. He loves you so much. A fool could see that."
"But if it fails it means he'll never have a child of his own."
"Jessie, he knew this when he married you. He accepts that."
"I know. I just feel so on edge right now. I think I will be until I know for sure if I'm pregnant or not."
"When can you take the test?"
"The fourteenth. One more week. Then we have an appointment at the clinic two days later to confirm the result whatever it may be." Jessie picked her glass up and took a sip of the refreshing water. It really was extremely hot, and she was glad she'd worn a sundress instead of the jeans she'd considered that morning. "Mum, did you get all moody and hormonal when you were trying for me?" Laura laughed.
"No, but I did when I was pregnant with you. Your poor dad had to put up with a lot."
"What was it like? That moment when you saw the positive test."
"At that moment in time it was the best day of my life, along with the day I married your dad. The only day better than that now was the day you were born. I was scared while we were waiting for the result. I bit my nails right down and your dad nearly wore the carpet out pacing. I couldn't believe it when I saw the two lines. All my prayers had been answered. All I'd ever wanted was to be a mother. I couldn't wait for the nine months to go by so I could hold you. And then you were born, a mini me. We love you so much Jessie. You're our little miracle. And you have to believe you will get yours. You just need to be brave my darling."
"What if we don't get it?"
"Then there will be a child, children, that you will give a loving home to, that you will be the best mother ever to."
"Did you ever think of adopting?"
"It wasn't something we'd discussed. We probably would have if you hadn't come along. You were our last attempt. It's not a cheap process."
"Would you have carried on if money wasn't an issue? If I hadn't come along I mean."
"Absolutely. I would never have given up on that dream."
"You're stronger than I am."
"You're just as strong Jessie. You have the support of a wonderful man."
"A man that is driving me mad. He's wrapping me up in cotton wool."
"Only because he loves you so much."
"I know."
"Jessie, don't forget how lucky you are. You've got a second chance at love, at a family. Remember how broken you were when Joel left you."
Jessie knew her mum was right. She had to look at the positives. She had a husband that adored her, and she adored him. They lived a life most people would kill for. If they were blessed with a baby that would be the icing on top of the cake. If not, then she and Seb would cross that bridge if and when they came to it, together.
***
Seb really didn't know what the appeal was with fishing. He and Thomas had been sat by the bank of the lake for four hours now and they hadn't caught a single thing.
He picked up his water bottle and took a swig from it. It had nearly all gone.
The heat was almost unbearable. He'd never known it to be so hot in the U.K.
"So how are you feeling about everything?" Thomas asked.
"About what?"
"The IVF."
"I'm hopeful I guess. I just wish Jessie felt the same way."
"You can't really blame her Seb. She's been through a lot. The failed attempts. Joel. She deserved so much better than what he did to her. I'm just glad she's got you now."
"I know ...I just wish I could do more for her. I really don't know how she'll cope if this attempt fails too."
"You just have to be there for her."
"I will. I'm scared though Thomas. I hate seeing her hurting. I love her so bloody much."
"I know you do."
They fell silent for a few minutes. Seb closed his eyes and stretched his legs out in front of him. He thought that he could quite easily fall asleep. It was so peaceful there. He could hear the clicking sound of grasshoppers in the long grass behind them.
"Answer me this Seb. If it fails, if Jessie can't give you a baby would it make any difference to you?" Seb's eyes shot open.
"Of course not. I've loved her from the moment I met her. I'll love her until I die."
"Then you're already doing everything right. You're there. You'll always be there. There's nothing else you can do."
"How did you cope? You know, when you and Laura were going through it."
"How did I cope? By focussing on what was really important, and that was me and Laura. Of course I'd have been devastated if we'd never had a baby, but for me she was everything. At least until Jessie came along, then they were both my everything."
"Jessie's been quite hormonal, she's....not been herself." There was no way he was going to mention their sex life to his father in law.
"That's a woman thing unfortunately. You wait until she's pregnant. Then you'll see hormonal. I had to watch everything I said when Laura was pregnant. She was evil!"
Seb chuckled. He couldn't imagine his mother law being like that.
"Honestly, she was moody one minute, depressed the next, then she'd be all over me like a rash."
"That's too much information."
Thomas laughed heartily.
"You two will be ok. I know you will."
Seb hoped with all his heart that Thomas was right. He knew his feelings for Jessie would never go away, and he was almost certain she felt the same way about him. There was just a small part of him that was worried he'd lose her.
"You've got a bite!" Thomas exclaimed suddenly. "Quick!"
"I don't know what to do!" Seb said, jumping to his feet.
"Pick your rod up for a start!"
Seb grabbed hold of the rod. He followed Thomas's instructions and several minutes later looked on proudly as Thomas caught the fish in a landing net.
"It's a mirror carp. It's a beauty!"
Seb grinned. Maybe this fishing business was more fun than he'd thought.
***
"Make sure you let me know when you get home safe!" Laura told Jessie as they walked down the driveway five days later.
"I will Mum. Thank you so much for letting us stay. It's been great. It's definitely taken my mind off of things for a short while."
"You're always welcome here darling. You know that."
Jessie walked into her dad's open arms and hugged him tightly. "Oh Jessiebear I'm going to miss you."
"It won't be long till we see each other again," she told him.
Laura went over to Seb and hugged him tightly.
"Goodbye handsome. You look after my girl."
"I will Laura. I promise." He kissed his mother in law on the cheek and then shook hands with Thomas.
"Next time you're down we'll go up the reservoir. There's some bigger fish up there."
Seb and Jessie then got into the car. Seb had already put their suitcase into it earlier that morning. Jessie put her seatbelt on and began to fiddle with the radio. Seb put his belt on and started the car up.
As they pulled away down the driveway Jessie's stress levels began to rise again. She'd enjoyed a fairly peaceful, relaxing week but now it was time to go home and then the day after tomorrow would be judgement day. They'd be taking the test to find out if the IVF had worked, and she was absolutely petrified.
***
Jessie had been awake since dawn, just laid in bed staring at the ceiling. She knew Seb wouldn't mind if she woke him so they could take the test but she didn't want to. Not yet anyway.
If she didn't take the test she could carry on pretending that everything was ok, that there was still a chance that it would work.
Seb turned over and draped his arm over her.
"What time is it?" he mumbled.
"Just after seven," she replied. Seb shot bolt upright in bed as his brain switched on.
"It's today!" Jessie smiled softly. He was excited, she knew he was. She knew he was trying to hide just how excited he was. He shouldn't have to do that. He shouldn't have to go through this. Why was her body so useless? "Shall we do it then?"
She didn't want to but she couldn't avoid it for much longer. Her bladder felt fit to burst. She sat up and swung her legs off of the bed.
Standing up, she made her way to the bathroom, grabbing her phone on the way. Seb followed her, yawning his head off.
Jessie put her phone down and picked up the small cardboard box off of the countertop. She didn't have to read the instructions. She'd taken four tests before. She opened the box, took the test out and dropped the empty box into the bin.
"Jessie, before you take that there's something I want to say. Whatever the result, I'll still love you. I'll still want to be with you for the rest of my life. Nothing will change how I feel about you."
He slid his arms around her and held her tightly. It was the moment he'd been waiting for and he was terrified.
Jessie held him back, the test clutched in her hand. Then after a minute she pulled away.
"Let's just get this over with," she told him.
She slid her pyjama shorts and panties down and sat on the toilet. Then she removed the cap off of the test and carefully pushed it between her legs.
Once she'd held it in her urine stream for five seconds she pulled it back out and replaced the cap. She then placed the test flat on the counter next to the toilet. Seb set the timer on her phone.
Finishing up, she wiped herself, flushed the chain and then stood up to wash her hands.
Seb watched her nervously. He knew the next three minutes would be the longest of his life.
"Hug?" he said, holding his arms open. He didn't know what else to do.
Jessie walked into his arms, wrapping hers around him and resting her head on his chest. She could feel his heart beating underneath her cheek. It felt so good in his arms. She felt safe and cherished.
She felt his hand slip up inside the back of her pyjama top, gently stroking her back.
She closed her eyes and whispered to him how much she loved him.
"I love you too Jessie."
His body was warm and hard and all Jessie wanted to do was stay in his embrace forever. She smiled to herself. Maybe this time everything would be ok.
A loud chime shattered the silence, signalling the end of the three minutes. Jessie began to feel nauseous.
Seb released her and looked her in the eye.
"I guess this is it," he said.
"I guess so."
"Shall we look?"
He took Jessie's hand and they took a few steps over to where the test was on the counter. Jessie reached out and picked it up.
She held it up and they both looked at it.
The silence was almost deafening as they tried to process what it said.
Then Jessie turned on her heel, dropped the test into the bin and walked back out into the bedroom.
Seb's eyes filled with tears as he crouched down and took the small, white plastic stick out of the bin and stared at the two words that had shattered his and Jessie's hearts. Not Pregnant.