What The Heart Wants (Sebastian Vettel)

8. Misery Business

2019

Jessie opened the top drawer of the chest under hers and Joel's bedroom window and pulled out the scarlet bikini she'd bought especially for their holiday. 

They were flying to Greece to spend two weeks in the sun with Seb and Ava.  She was looking forward to it more than anything.  She hadn't seen her friends since their wedding two years earlier. 

She and Joel hadn't gone to Austin for the Grand Prix in the end, it had been her choice, she'd been feeling too down after finding out that their first attempt at IVF had failed.  She'd known Seb would have been sweet and sympathetic about it and she didn't want that.   It would have just made her cry all over again.  

Since then her heart had been broken three more times by three more negative pregnancy tests, the most recent just three months earlier.  

Each time she saw the words Not Pregnant part of her had died inside.   Now she was trying to come to terms with the fact that she'd never be a mother.   The last attempt had literally been their last.   They'd used all their frozen embryos and she knew she couldn't go through it all again, the injections, the harvesting, the placing of the embryos, more negative pregnancy tests.  It was too heartbreaking, too soul  destroying. 

She'd almost cancelled the holiday they'd arranged with Seb and Ava, fearing she wouldn't be good company, but Joel had persuaded her to go, telling her it would do her good to have a break, to get away from normal life.  She was glad now that he had.  She couldn't wait to see her dear friend Seb, oh and Ava too of course. 

Then after the holiday everything would change.  She and Joel would be leaving the States and moving back home to the U.K.  

They'd decided over a year ago that it was time to go home, and they'd both applied for, and got, jobs at Racing Point.  They were heading back to Formula 1. 

Jessie was excited about it.  She would be head of the PR department, and Joel would be Lance Stroll's race engineer.  What she was most excited for though was being back in the same country as her parents, and also seeing a lot more of Seb.  

Even though he was still at Ferrari they'd get to see him in race weekends. 

She put the bikini into her suitcase, thinking that one upside of never having carried a baby was that her body was still perfect, though she'd have happily had the world's worst stretch marks if she could have had her own child. 

Soon she'd finished packing. Now she just had to wait for Joel to get home.   He'd flown up to Team Penske headquarters in North Carolina for one last time.   She'd already finished her last shift and said her goodbyes. 

She would miss Josef and  Ashley more than anyone else, having grown close to the driver and his wife. This was the right move for both of them though. Once in the U.K. they could discuss their next move. Maybe they could adopt. There were so many children that needed a good home.

They were yet to find a house of their own back in the U.K., so at first they'd be staying with Joel's parents who lived halfway between Brackley and Oxford.

Jessie sat down on the sofa. Within minutes she realised how hungry she was. The trouble was they had no food in the house, having cleared it all out ready to go away. 

Their flight was the following day and they'd already decided to have pizza delivered that evening, and to have breakfast at the airport in the morning. 

Standing up, she decided to head down to the sea front to get a panini.  That would keep her going until Joel arrived later that afternoon. 

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