𝐕𝐀𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐀 𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐑𝐄𝐑𝐀
༻❁༺
London, United Kingdom
The day had finally arrived. No matter how much I wanted to go back in time instead of forward, it was finally here. January 1st was the day when Simon was supposed to come to find me, to come back home. To come back to me. But instead, I was the one who did the finding. I was the one who went back home, to the place where he was buried, the memorial. My home, with him, was now gone along with my whole self-being, and he had no idea how I was left with nothing.
I wanted nothing else but to give up. This didn't make sense anymore. Where was our happy ending? It was cruel, giving me this hope of a new life, of happiness, of starting over, only to snatch it back from my hands like I never deserved to have it in the first place. Leaving me behind after making me believe I deserved to move forward, it broke me all over again. No, not all over again, it broke me completely. It was so much worse than the loss I had years ago. It was like the remaining pieces of that day were gone now, and I had nothing to grasp at.
No hope.
No sense.
No life.
Nothingness.
I watched my steps as I walked down the path to his grave, the same path I'd been walking every day to see him. I tried to memorize the moment, how many steps it took to get from the entrance to his grave, and the way the green field looked as I made my way to him. Because I knew that today would be the last time I'd be here, doing this. I thought it would hurt, but I didn't feel anything at all, even though I knew that I needed to get past this and move on to the promise of living my life for the two of us.
But I was only going to live a life full of lies. My mind would always find its way to him, and the numbness that his death brought upon me. How I might never find happiness because of it, might never actually live my life the way Simon would have liked. Sometimes I was certain this wasn't my life at all, that I was trapped inside a cage with a window to the real world, and all I could do was nothing but watch it continue its motion.
I guess I was still in shock. I hadn't shed a tear in over three weeks, and I was still waiting for the breakdown that would make this real. But based on how things were going, I didn't think it would happen any time soon. I hoped it wasn't happening any time soon, because that would mean that my emotions were back and I rather not feel anything at all than feel everything all at once. It was just too much...
Wait.
I came to a halt in the middle of the field, and my heart for the first time in a month skipped a beat. From the corner of my widened eyes, I saw something. A flash of blond. It wasn't just something, it was more like a person's silhouette standing right in front of Simon's grave. Could it be... No. It wasn't possible. My lips parted, and my heart started to beat faster, but when I lifted my head to have a better view, my shoulders slumped and my heart slowed down. The figure standing there in the middle of the field wasn't a man, it was a woman with a black cap on, her strawberry blond hair was falling through the hole of the cap making it look like a ponytail.
Can't you just get it, Valentina? He isn't coming back. Get it through your thick skull.
I sucked in a breath and straightened, resuming my way to Simon. Who might that be, anyway? For her to be standing in front of that certain grave, she must have been someone to Simon. A relative or a friend? Simon had none. Maybe she was just a stranger passing by.
I stepped next to the stranger, and the woman didn't move, which surprised me more than confused me. She was a bit shorter than me, but she held her head high. I stared ahead, as she did too. The sight of Simon's nickname written on the white grave embraced me, almost like it was pushing me towards it. Like it was calling me. I shrugged it off as I always did.
"Did you know him?" I broke the silence. I turned to her when it stretched for too long, and the woman appeared to be lost in her thoughts with a slight frown on her face. From this angle, it looked like she was pouting.
"No," she finally responded, her voice held a rasp. "Just passing by."
I nodded my head, looking down at my hands. That made sense, I guess. Simon didn't have any relative that was still alive, no people that he considered friends. There was Soap, though, who got closer to him in such a short time and therefore would be visiting for a while to pay his respects, and his captain, Price, who held enough respect for Simon to visit his grave every now and then. There was also me, but that was much of a longer story, one that we already knew.
The woman moved to leave, but she stopped midway. "Ghost?" she asked, turning toward me.
I glanced at the grave, and read the letters, right where it said:
Ghost
May 18, 1995 — December 01, 2022
I fisted my hands enough to make my knuckles turn white. A reaction that I wasn't quite sure where it was coming from, probably from the anger that I had towards the name they carved on it. "He was known as Ghost for a very long time," I told her. "His real name is Simon."
From the corner of my eye, I saw her nod her head. "Why, then, not use his real name?" Her voice had a thick British accent, it reminded me so much of Simon.
"Because that was his petition. He wrote it long before he passed away." I looked at her, into her deep blue eyes. That blond hair that she hid under the cap and those long blond eyelashes that made her eyes look bigger, she looked so familiar to me, but I couldn't put a finger on it. "What's your name?" I asked her recklessly.
She didn't flinch, but her eyes observed mine quietly, analyzing me as if she were making sure I was someone she could trust. When she found what she was looking for, her lips parted. "Eveline," she finally said. "My name is Eveline."
"Eveline." I tasted the name in my mouth. "What a beautiful name." Eveline looked familiar to me, but her name didn't ring a thing in me.
The sky groaned, and I glanced up to see the dark clouds forming a few miles away from us. I could smell the promises of rain, the breeze that let me know it was heading in my direction. I didn't bring an umbrella with me, and I didn't care, a little rain wouldn't do any damage to me. I loved the feeling of the drops falling on me, that way I knew I was still a person and not a ghost.
The woman next to me shifted, taking a step closer to me. "It is kind of ironic, isn't it?"
I met her eyes. "What?"
"Putting Ghost on a grave." She crossed her arms and glanced at the sky, then back at me with determination. "A ghost can be the spirit or soul of an already dead person, so it is kind of impossible for a ghost to die again, don't you think?"
"Ghost was just a name he took after an incident that almost killed him," I said. "It referred to Simon coming back from the death as a ghost. However, he was never actually a ghost. As you can see, he was a real person, and his name was Simon."
She stayed quiet for a long moment. "Ghost and Simon," she said quietly as if she was thinking aloud. "It is almost as if they were considered two different people."
"What even is your point?"
She didn't look at me. "Simon survived back then as Ghost, but Ghost was the only one who passed away this time, which leaves me wondering... Where is Simon now?"
Her words slammed all of the air out of me, and my lips parted. I stared at her with wide eyes, feeling my heart starting to pick up its pace and pound inside my chest. Hope. No! Please, no, I couldn't take it anymore, going back to being hopeful. Simon was gone, hoping that he was coming back was nothing but wishful thinking.
"Simon is dead!" I exploded, rage filled every inch of my voice.
Eveline took a step back from me, her eyes widening. "Jesus. Forgive me, please, that was disrespectful."
It really was.
"I guess must go before it rains."
I turned to her to say—what? I didn't know. But Eveline was already walking away, and I was left staring at her back and thinking... what the hell was that?
Where is Simon?
Gone. He is gone.
I sighed, my breath visible now. I decided not to give any importance to what just happened. All because I wanted to have a peaceful goodbye. I buried half of my face under my coat and looked down at Simon. It was cold here in London, which made me remember that Simon loved the cold, which reminded me that he wasn't coming here to enjoy the weather with me. I pressed my eyes together. God, I missed him so much. So fucking much I almost couldn't take it anymore.
His grave mocked me. His name mocked me. The dates did, too. The white, the field, the grass, the breeze, my hair, the trees surrounding me, that fucking woman. Everything seemed to mock me in the worst way possible, and I was tired. So tired of feeling helpless.
"Do you know what date it is today?" I spoke aloud, to him, hoping he was somewhere in another dimension that allowed him to hear me. "January 1st. A month ago, on December 1st, you said that we should take a break from each other, and then promised to find me a month later. The month is over, Simon, today is the day you were supposed to come find me.
"So where are you?"
A cracking sound went off behind me, and I quickly turned my head around to look at the source. Goosebumps grew on my skin when all I saw was nothing except the big green tree a few feet away from me. Another crack sounded, and I realized it was coming from it because of how strong the wind was getting. The tree looked alive with its leaves moving along the wind.
It looked like it was watching me.
I felt something watching me. Eyes were on me, but from whom? From where? Did it come from the tree? Was it him, trying to communicate with me? My heart raced as I stared at it. "Simon?"
I gasped, my eyes widening. A sudden ache exploded in my chest, so strong I choked. It traveled up my throat and turned into a knot at the back. My eyes and nose stung, and my ears rang as I shivered. It is not possible, it cannot be possible, I want it to be possible. I shook my head in denial, but I knew damn well what it was.
"How?" I asked.
The heat met my back as the presence took a step closer to me, and then his arms embraced me and his breath caressed my cheek. "You can't kill a ghost, baby."
Simon.
*ೃ༄
𝐓𝐎 𝐁𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐔𝐄𝐃...