𝐆𝐇𝐎𝐒𝐓
༻☠︎︎༺
My mind was racing. My fists clenched and unclenched as I suppressed my feelings to stop myself from exploding. Those same feelings that went rushing out from the hole that Valentina opened ever since she stuck her knife into my dead soul with her precious life. There was one thing I knew though: I wasn't walking away from her. I wasn't stopping my fight to become what she deserved. I wasn't ending this, us. Not when we hadn't even started.
But how was I going to do it without risking Val's safety? I wasn't going to lose her. I wasn't going to watch her... die like I watched my—no, I won't think about that. I couldn't think about that. My heart joined my mind, racing so fast I thought I was having a heart attack. I could feel that drop of sweat making its way down my spine, and an urge to slam the concrete that only reached my hips next to me gripped me. I doubted I'd be successful, but it was worth the try.
My eyes danced across the field and landed on Valentina, who stood near the SUVs talking with a few men from Los Vaqueros. I was on the other side of the field, too damn far to see her clearly, but I knew exactly what she was wearing and the way she did her hair. I didn't know how she did it, but she braided her hair in a way that made it look like a crown around her head, and then it trailed down her back in one single, graspable, braid. It suited her, the crown, she was the fucking queen.
God, she looked so beautiful, I was obsessed. So obsessed it should be concerning. Although that was how I was. I tended to get obsessed with things. The mask, time, tranquility. It had never happened with someone before—apart from my family—and I didn't know how to act. Losing her before I even had her was just too much. Which was why I was doing anything to protect her, to keep her safe.
You are going to keep us safe.
You will make sure of that.
I know that.
I know you.
That was what she said yesterday at our dinner. Val trusted me, and that made me want to never break that trust. But I had no intel, I was practically ignorant in this situation. It was too new, therefore I had nothing. So how the hell was I doing this? I breathed in and out through my nose, the mask making it harder for me to breathe the cool air that I so suddenly needed. So I gripped the hem and pulled it over my nose, still covering the rest of my head.
No panic, no desperation, nothing as I showed part of my face to anyone who could spare a glance at me. Just discomfort, like I wasn't used to this and it felt kind of wrong, probably because I really wasn't used to this. However, I couldn't find it in me to care. All I wanted was to breathe the cool air and calm my nerves.
But no matter how much I inhaled and exhaled, it didn't seem to do me that favor. My mind had come to a halt at the dead end of the maze that had taken place in my head, and not knowing what to do next infuriated me in a way that urged me to explode and make a horrible mess. I always knew what to do, so what the fuck was wrong with me?
"You've been distracted," Price had told me a few minutes ago before I left the meeting room, right after he dropped the bomb that would have me drowning an inch every second that passed. "I have... I couldn't help but notice how you've always been so... kind of robotic."
"Where are you going with this?" I had asked, confused.
"You know," he began, "it's forbidden to form these types of bonds, the one that you and Valentina formed, in a place like this, on a mission like this one. My right as your superior was to cut it off before it got too complicated. Developing a relationship with a teammate messes with your head, my point proven by what happened that night on that rooftop."
"It was my fault." It was, though, my fault that Valentina was distracted.
"It doesn't matter whose fault it was—not my point here." He sucked in a breath and looked me in the eye. "My point is, Ghost, I was going to send her away."
My spine straightened, my chest squeezing to the point I began to lack air. He was going to send her away? With what I knew then, I wasn't sure how to react, only anger surged from deep within my soul with the thought of her being far away from me. There was no way I was letting her go now, only if she wanted me to. Even then, I was still fighting for her.
"However..." Price continued, "I saw you change, in a very good way," he said it with a look that I had never seen in his eyes before like he was proud and relieved of the change in me, "and I didn't find it in me to have you go back to that Ghost that was so... empty and cold."
I frowned. "Are you saying you let Valentina stay because it was good for me?"
"She makes you happy, does she not?"
I wasn't breathing at that point. I looked down at my hands, not even needing to think about the answer to his question because it was too obvious that—"She does." The happiest man alive, that was me whenever she was near. The mere existence of that woman made me happy.
Price tilted his head, almost as if he was saying, "There is your answer." I wasn't sure how to react, again. I was lost, fuck, I wasn't sure of anything anymore. How would Valentina react if she knew this? That she stayed only because of me? Because she was good for me? She took her job seriously, of course, she'd feel upset if that was the only reason.
Price must've gathered my thoughts because a gentle smile took over his face. "Valentina is an excellent sergeant, of course, I wouldn't have let her stay otherwise."
Good, because she was. She was good at everything, really. She was good at her job, good with weapons and close-range battles, good with words and emotions, good in bed, good to me. She'd still be good in our future, a good home, a good girl, a good friend and girlfriend, a good wife, a good mother and grandmother. Perfect. Just... perfect.
My heart began beating faster as I thought of what was waiting ahead of us. I was excited, but also I was so damn stupidly afraid, not only now that I knew she might be in danger, but because of the many doubts that still lingered in my insecure head.
"I..." A dry laugh left my throat. "I must seem pathetic, but bloody hell, Price, I am desperate. What if... what if she... what if Valentina loses interest in us?" There, I had said it, and suddenly voicing my insecure side made me want to spill everything. "What if w-when we get out of here and we start our life, she realizes she doesn't want me anymore? That it was all an illusion? She has assured me that she wasn't going to, that she wanted me here and outside, but maybe her attraction, the promises, were only because of the heated forced proximity. It's a fact, that we got involved only because of the proximity, and it scares the shit out of me, that she'll realize she made a mistake when she chose me, because I don't think... I don't think I'll ever regret her."
I was breathless by the time I finished, panicked even, because—had I just exploded with my insecurities to Price? I looked up and expected to find him judging me for being so vulnerable and weak in front of him, but he looked anything but that.
Price surprised me by coming toward me. His hand landed on my shoulder and he squeezed once, reassuring me. "I think it's fair to let those doubts eat your head. Do you mind a little advice?" he said. I gulped and nodded instead, not finding my words. "The keyword here, Ghost, is proximity. To find its worth, you must distance yourself from the issue. Don't jump into a relationship with Valentina right away. Return to your lives, pick a date, and meet again. Then you'll find out if it's worth the wait."
"Simon, honey." I was startled by Val's voice, and I had to blink twice to adjust my vision and go back to reality. I was sitting down, back to the concrete barrier, don't ask me how I ended up like this. I looked up at Val's precious eyes and saw the frown overtaking her face. "Oh?" She knew already, that there was something wrong with me. She crouched down and took my jaw in her hand, stroking her thumb on my chin. "You are... showing skin." Her eyes were wide, but she was only surprised. "How do you feel?"
"Only a little uncomfortable," I answered with honesty. "I needed air and I couldn't seem to get any with the mask on the way."
"Okay." She smiled with her whole face now. "There is still a long way to go. But... I am so proud of you, Simon."
My stomach fluttered with butterflies—seriously, when did I ever think I'd get butterflies because of a girl? I was close to my thirties, yet here I was feeling like a teenager. I exhaled and closed my eyes, leaning close to her touch. "You overfill me with joy."
She laid her forehead on mine. "Imagine what you do to me."
My body relaxed into a cloud.
To find its worth, you must distance yourself from the issue, I recalled Price's voice, and just like that, my body tensed again. I knew now what I needed to do. It was the right thing, after all, even though my whole body and soul screamed otherwise. It screamed only because I was selfish and wanted Valentina right away, but it wasn't right.
Valentina noticed my change, because she asked me, "What's wrong?"
I grabbed her hand and pulled it away from my face, kissing her knuckles before letting her go completely and facing forward. "I... I've been... thinking."
"What is it?"
"I think it'd be wise if we took some time apart."
I felt her breathing come to a stop, and slowly she slumped against the concrete barrier next to me. I resisted the urge to reach out for her and comfort her, but I needed to get it out or else I wouldn't.
"I want this, us, to work. I don't want either of us to regret it," I said. It was true, but I was also omitting half of the reason. I needed her safe, and if she knew that someone was coming after me, she'd probably want to join and help me. And fuck no, I wasn't risking anyone's life anymore, especially not hers. "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me," I continued, "that I could ever hope for. But this forced proximity, Valentina, it's sickening me. I am scared that someday you'll realize I am not what you expected, that I am not what you wanted, that once outside we'll lose the connection that we have in here."
"I understand," she whispers. "I feel the same way."
I frowned. I wanted to say many things, that I was sure as hell about her, about this, about us. That I would never let her go once I had her, nor leave her once she had me. But it would only lead us to more confusion, and it would be harder to part ways. "I want to make this right," I said instead.
"How long?"
"One month." One month, that's all I need to make it right. "Let's return to our lives. No contact. Live as we've always done. Just for one month."
"Okay."
"I'll come and find you, take you out to dinner, and talk. Then, you—we, both—will decide if we want to pursue this."
"Okay."
"Okay."
She sucked in a shaky breath. "Simon?"
"Yes, darling?"
Valentina laid her head on my shoulder and sniffed against me. "I'm going to miss you."
My fists clenched and unclenched as I closed the hole with my feelings inside. I didn't reach for her, even if it hurt every part of me. I knew that once I did, that once I took her in my arms, I would be taking everything back. However, there was one thing that I was certain of: This wasn't me walking away from her, this was me protecting her. I was going to come back. I was going to make this right. I was going to miss her too, so fucking much.
But I was never, ever regretting her, even if she decided I was not worth it.
*ೃ༄
𝐓𝐎 𝐁𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐔𝐄𝐃...
;-;
you are allowed to take it out on me