If one could live without a heart he would have scooped his out and thrown it at the feet of the most starving beast he could find, so that it would get demolished right before his eyes and he could be forever free from it.
If one could be considered human without his feelings, he would have drowned them all at the depths of the red sea and would kneel before the vast sky, to praise his freedom.
Yet even if he was to remove his heart as an organ, even if he could continue breathing without it, there was no guarantee that he would have gotten rid of his feelings also. For emotions reside in a human's entity and they arise from the cerebral cortex. Feelings have to do with the brain as much as they have to do with the heart hence it's their two-way relationship that one would need to break to secure absolute apathy.
Still, what life would be worth living in such a way? How one could remain human if they were to get rid of that essence that makes them exactly that? For someone who wanted to be normal more than anything in his life, praying desperately to be heartless was an utter contradiction.
Who would have known that being human would cost so much? Why had no one warned him of the pain that comes with simply existing yet even if he knew, would he have run away? He wasn't sure. For erasing his life, erasing his heart meant erasing the value of the memories he held. It meant breathing but being soulless in the hollow vessel of his flesh.
How brave one needed to be to make a choice? How courageous one needed to be to face the truth? Accept once and for all that time can not go back and that every glimpse of happiness he has ever experienced was caused by deceit.
The tender gaze that greeted him when he first came to this world, that safety as he lay in the arms of his mother while he was inhaling his first breaths. How welcomed and loved Jimin was by his parents in this world.
They would look at him as if he was the only reason that they lived and he would grow to love them back with all he had, simply because he knew nothing else but to love, he knew nothing else but to trust for they were the people that brought to him the biggest gift. They gave him life.
As unconditionally can a parent's heart love, so did he love them back. His whole world was them, his whole essence was what they taught him, his whole life had them at the centre and without them he would have never even been able to imagine, living on.
Their pain was his own and all that could ever worry his mind, was them, all that could ever ache his chest was their suffering or sadness. A tear shed from their eyes, felt like it pierced right through his heart every time he was to witness it. So there was no wonder that Jimin would sacrifice everything for their good. For he loved them to the point that no matter what he was to lose as long as it was not them, it would be worth it.
Such a pure innocent soul is bound to get damaged among the thorns of the world, and certainly, he had withstood his fair share of scratches but never could anyone harm him too much, for he may have been a heart that loved generously but he loved only a few selective ones, way too much.
Trustworthy ones...he would jump on fire with his own two feet if anyone was ever to put those people in question, and he would stand up for them against a thousand trials and millions of others claiming the opposite. That was how strong his love was, how thick the fog before his gaze. Only if someone would have warned him, of the consequences of having a good heart.
If only he knew, how one is meant to die with the same intensity they lived and how the future of an innocent soul is to be turned into a victim and not a victor. Had he known that one's heart does not halt once broken? One's emotions don't disappear just because a mind is shocked and a heart is torn. One can keep breathing despite how much death had taken over their soul.
What grim fate befalls a victim after someone tears the wings of an innocent soul, scatters their substance ruthlessly and stomps on the pieces of their heart without mercy? How does life taste after the murder of a heart? Now he had tasted the answer to the point that he wished to never have wondered, to begin with.
There are many like him, roaming in this world. Heartbroken, cruelly torn apart, victims of the knives they entrusted at the hands of their slayers. Yet they all differ in certain ways, for each is rotting in their own personal little hell of misery. Wondering how much they deserved what happened to them. What they could have done differently. Why did it have to be them to go through all this, to begin with?
What did I do, to lose their love? Did they not love me to begin with? I should have tried a bit more, given a bit more of myself, and sacrificed a bit more. The failure that follows the attempts of trying to win one's affection and love, all weighs on the one who is trying alone.
It's the good ones that suffer twice the price yet even kindness has a limit. A tender spirit's purity ripped from its eyes can be replaced by a blood-filled gaze. When all he cherished is biting his flesh continuously and throwing his pieces into the fire of truth.
A soul that can love unconditionally is bound to be demolished. And with all the force it loved, it will ache, and with the strength it trusted, it will grieve and with all the power of its kindness, it will loath.
Yet P3's hate was not totally directed at the woman that was before his eyes at that moment. Even though he knew that it should have been. Wrath was the essence that run through his veins, for he was born out of the fiery pits of the pain caused by the unfairness Jimin had been forced to live through.
Jimin's loving heart had been corrupted and that corruption was P3's core and fuel of existence. For how could he let Jimin love, the ones that stained his soul for eternity? The ones that shattered his little safe home and turned it into a nightmare. The one that poisoned his heart and mind forever, with the ache she gifted him by simply letting him see the truth.
How could she have weaved herself so deeply in Jimin's being that even while P3 was in charge of his consciousness, he felt like someone was stubbing his heart and an invisible hand was cutting his breath short, despite the fact that he was the one holding her neck captive in his tight grip?
"We both know that you can't harm me, so why don't you just let me go, son?" Mrs Park's voice escaped faintly from her lips for she was running thin on her oxygen yet she didn't appear panicked or frightened by how intensely P3 was staring at her and how his grip was not failing to transmit the clear intentions that he wanted to end her life.
"I am not your son" he growled, the words dripping with raw emotion as his voice turned low and menacing. His eyes bore into her with a ferocity that she was expecting, yet still found herself getting amused witnessing it.
Jimin was the softest person when it came to her. He had looked her way only with a smile on his lips full of joy and eyes that would display care and how much he misses her. He was a warm ray of light that would do anything to keep her smiling, yet here she was, witnessing the eyes of her only son, looking at her with so much resentment and pain.
It was almost as if she had slipped back in time and before her, stood, her late husband.
"Don't try to convince me that you hate me, for the reason you exist in itself is proof that you don't. We both know that in reality, Jimin doesn't want to hurt anyone and that is why he ended up breaking his own self." She softened her gaze at P3 and placed her hand on his, slightly pulling it away just so she could breathe a bit better, and to his own surprise P3 felt his hand grow loose, despite the fact that he was not the one that gave such orders to his body.
"You can never harm me. You are part of my flesh, don't you know? No one will ever love you as I do." Mrs Park slowly brought up her hand and cupped P3's cheek, caressing his momentarily frozen and shocked figure.
"If this is how you love me, then it's a blessing that none will ever love me like you." He snapped and slapped her hand away " I know everything. I know you are behind all these attempts to harm Jimin. I know you are not on my side! Don't try to deny it!"
"I won't do such a thing. Yet shouldn't you trust me a bit, before jumping to conclusions? Do you really think that your own mother would want to harm you?" She retrieved her hand and placed it over his chest, just as she took a step closer to him.
"Son. All I want is for you to not end up like your father...so please, hand me that list and I will end this once and for all. I promise you, we will be happy again...together." Her lips spoke words that made Jimin's heart sway for they carried a promise any broken soul would want it to be true. They carried the possibility of her loving him just as he used to know, they carried the chance of her love not having been a lie.
However despite the intensity of Jimin's feelings, all P3 could remember was the ache he carries, the pain that is withstanding every single day. In his eyes, her love true or not, was meaningless for it could still not erase the most traumatic event of his life.
"Don't ask me to trust you. I am not giving you a thing. Because Jimin made his choice, that list will be forever buried along with his father."
"Give it to me!!!" She suddenly snapped right before his eyes, but unlike the frightened Jimin that she could have seen, she saw an unmoved P3, whose gaze instantly grew dark.
In a swift, calculated move, he seized a gleaming scalpel nearby, and he plunged it into her left shoulder with great force, winning a short, pained whimper from her trembling lips.
Strangely enough, her cry of agony mirrored a deep ache in his own chest, but he pushed the sensation aside, for nothing would stop him from his thirst for vengeance. He would tear himself apart if necessary if only to make this pain feel even a bit more fair.
"Be careful how you talk to me, or it might be the last time you will be uttering anything at all." He whispered right by her ear, as she stood there in bewilderment until a smile suddenly took over her lips.
"Aren't you curious why I wanted to meet you?" The torment in her expression was unable to conceal her sadistic delight. Ignoring her question, P3 dug the scalpel further into her flesh, having a desperate need to shut her up.
"It's because you remember, don't you?" she hissed, a twisted grin contorting her features. "Seated on that chair, you watched your father... getting skinned alive."
"SHUT UP!!!" He raged right in front of her face as her words brought the image immediately before his eyes, as fresh as he wished it would have never been.
"It's his cries that shattered your mind, his gaze that haunts your consciousness. But you chose to not save him. You watched him get tortured right before your eyes yet you-never opened that damn mouth of yours." Mrs Park face twisted in a hateful way right as she pulled her hand from her pocket and stubbed P3 with a needle she was keeping hidden.
She retrieved it almost instantly and P3 stepped away from her as his free hand was now holding his neck, feeling utterly furious with whatever was that she had just injected him with. For certainly he was aware that it was not gonna be something that will kill him, for that was not to her benefit.
"You are gonna hand that list to me. Willingly or not." The figure of Mrs Park before his eyes started getting blurry and at that very moment, P3 knew that the only way to escape from her hands was to leave Jimin's throne of consciousness as quickly as possible.
"Is that list really more worth it than your own son?" The scalpel he had at hand slipped to the floor as his body started feeling numb and he found himself turning his head towards the unconscious Jin before he looked towards the door, hoping you would return before she was to do anything to him, and before she was to get his own unconscious body, to god knows where.
"I am not a cruel person son. All I ever did has been for you." Mrs Park's voice echoed faintingly in his ears just as he took two steps back, using the remaining body control he had and pushed the emergency button on the wall that usually calls a nurse to rush to the room, then P3 turned and looked at her swaying figure and gifted her a smile.
"You sure know how to tell nice fairytales...mother." Those words escaped his lips just as he collapsed on the floor and in his head he found himself falling amidst the darkness until he splashed against the dark waters of the lake of his consciousness.
A pung of regret passed through his mind as he witnessed P2's figure looming over him and he knew, the one to whom he was leaving that throne of consciousness, was one that would gather so much more pain for him to bear.
"Worry not...for I will make sure to end our suffering once and for all. This time, I will not fail." P2's words echoed in the hollowness just as he placed his palm on P3's chest and felt Jimin's heart, beating under it.
"I will take this heart to where it belongs and I will convince him this time. For I will make him see, the road to his salvation." P2 dug his fingers through P3's chest and pulled out the heart that filled him with life, for it was dripping with as much sadness as he was withstanding.
"You can live one last time...but in the end, you have to promise me..." P2 uttered as he stood before Jimin's lifeless figure and he returned his heart to its empty place before he swiped some of Jimin's tears with his bloody dripping hand.
"Promise, that you will let me save us"
---To be continued...
// I have been struggling lately to update this book despite the fact that I have time to now. I even know what I want to write and how it should go but emotions aren't flowing right and words aren't coming right and it's been eating me alive. Because I can't just post something that is emotionally off since it has a big weight on the book. Anyways I spend three days to make this get out a bit more on the intensity of the emotions I wanted but most likely it's still not as on point as I wished it would have been. Bare with me these days please, till I finally snap back to my flow of emotions when it comes to this book. I promise I am not slacking off XD//