𝐕𝐀𝐋
༻❁༺
She was there. Isabella was there and she was blaming me for her death. I knew something was up the moment she stepped into the room and started telling me how I was the reason she killed herself, because she never did blame me in that letter even though she should have. But now she was here, in the room, telling me all over again what that man did to her and how if I would've been there, none of that would've happened to her.
I know, I'm sorry, I was telling her over and over again, shaking my head because I couldn't bear hearing any of it for a second time. The tears in my eyes were too much that all I saw was a blurry Isabella standing at the end of my bed, proud in all her glory with this white aura surrounding her.
When she was done, she put on that beautiful smile that hid her trauma well and turned around to leave, and it's like I traveled to the past, to that night that shook my life on its axis. This time, I knew what would happen if I let her go. She would go into her room and lock herself inside, write that letter for me, and then do what she had been wanting to do for a while: put an end to her suffering.
Now I knew that would be the last time I saw her, so I had to do something to stop it. I could change the outcome, right? But when I tried to get out of my bed to go after her, the bed cover didn't let me. Instead, it started to reduce itself, crushing me and squeezing me underneath, suffocating me until I couldn't move anymore. I was trapped and dying.
Somehow the sheets around me loosened, and I choked on a gasp. Then, I was out of my bed and trying to go into the door Isabella disappeared through. Only this time, there wasn't a door anymore, I was grasping at nothing. I looked around and realized I wasn't in that place anymore, I was somewhere else. Somewhere darker, somewhere more real. Somewhere without Isabella.
That was a dream.
Now this is reality.
I blinked to get used to the darkness surrounding me, panting as if I had just run ten miles without stopping. I was back at base, in Ghost and I's room, standing in front of the wall that was supposed to be the door Isabella walked through. I was supposed to go after her and stop her, change her fate. I was supposed to help her. I was...
God, Isabella.
I couldn't stop the sob coming from my mouth, the sound still made it out through my trembling fingers. I didn't realize my legs had given out until I was collapsing onto the ground and my back was slamming against the wall. The pain in my chest was so much I couldn't swallow the air that was trying to get into my lungs. Why did I suddenly feel so cold? So alone? When I knew someone was keeping me warm in bed?
She looked too real. The dream felt too real. Her words, the place, her face, and tears. God, I hadn't dreamed about her in a very long time. And in those dreams, she never once blamed me. Why now, after I had made peace with the fact that Isabella wasn't coming back? Though she was right, what happened to her, it was all my fault.
My fault.
My fault she is dead.
Arms embraced me just when I needed the hug, the warmth, and the presence to know I wasn't alone. And for a slit second, I thought they belonged to Isabella, but I was only fooling myself further at this point.
"Jesus, Valentina," Ghost's whisper made it to my ears. He hooked one arm under my legs and dragged me onto his lap, then pressed me to him, letting me bury myself in his arms. And it felt as if I could somehow open his chest and crawl inside to get away from this horrible reality, he could make that possible.
I was certain he would let me do just that. He would let me do anything, like hold me until I ran out of tears, tell me to breathe when I couldn't seem to make my lungs work, tell me it was okay even though it wasn't. I hated that he could make me feel this way. Make me feel as if he was pulling all of my broken pieces back together.
*ೃ༄
I didn't know how much time had passed, I just knew that Ghost was still holding me, his fingers running through my hair and down my back. I had never been comforted in such a way. Nobody had ever done it, make me feel calm after the storm. Before, the storm would continue until somehow I would manage to calm myself. Before, I was always alone, now he was here and I found it oddly enough.
I noticed the only light in the room coming from the bathroom, and I saw the door open before I moved to meet Ghost's eyes. The palm of his hands instantly cupped both of my cheeks, and the pad of his thumbs stroked away my tears. He didn't ask, didn't press for anything that I wasn't ready to mention myself. All he said was, "It's okay, my darling, it's over now."
I sniffed. "She was here." His eyes softened, already understanding, and he looked like he didn't expect me to continue though I could if I wanted to. I wanted to leave it at that, but his eyes made me want to spill out everything. "She... Isabella was standing right there." With a shaking hand, I managed to point at the end of our bed. "And she looked so real."
Ghost took my hand and kissed my knuckles through the mask, before he wrapped it in his fingers like he wanted to stop the shaking. "It was just a bad dream, sweetheart. It's all over now."
I knew it was over, but I still could see it as if it was happening right now. "She... God, she started telling me, in detail, how h-he... abused her."
"Valentina—"
"How he touched her." How he touched her, oh God.
"Stop it." Ghost brought his forehead to mine and wiped the new tears away. "Val, you don't have to recall any of it. Don't do that to yourself."
"But it was my fault, Ghost."
Ghost shook his head and pulled back to meet my eyes. "No," he said with conviction, "it most certainly was not your fault."
Now it was my turn to shake my head. No matter how much his words wanted to make their way into me and comfort me, I couldn't let them. I clutched his shirt in my fingers to get some support. "You don't get it, it was my fault because I left her alone with him for years." Years in which I was oblivious every time I visited and left. I noticed the changes but didn't say anything because I thought she was just growing. How pathetic was I? How pathetic I still am?
"Listen to me." Ghost gripped my cheeks and held me, staring deeply into my eyes. "You couldn't have known what he was going to do to her. It wasn't yours nor was your sister's fault. It wasn't anyone's fault but that sick bastard who abused her. Do you hear me? It was not your fault he did that to her."
"I should've known." And I was sobbing again, because this topic made my heart hurt so much I wanted to take it out of my chest and crush it in my hand, but I had to get it out, otherwise it was going to eat my head alive. "I wish I could've known."
"I know." He pulled my head against his chest again, and I buried my nose in his neck. "Oh, I know, baby."
"I really thought I could help her. I thought I could save her a-and I-I thought—"
"Breathe, Val." That mere command made me stop to gasp for air. I breathed in until I couldn't anymore and my lungs hurt, and then I exhaled it and let it all out.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled myself closer to him, seeking his comfort. He gave it well, perfectly to me, with his arms around me and soft words, and soon my cries were coming down. I slid down to his chest and pressed my face over his heart, wanting to feel the way it was beating, wanting to feel him being alive even though he was constantly moving. Hearing the melody playing inside his chest always made me feel better after a long day, which was why my side of the bed was on the left, because every night, he would bring me into his arms and let me put my head on his chest.
Ghost. His name repeated in my head over and over again until all I could think about was him. I hated it and loved it at the same time, that it always came to him, because I knew one day instead of comforting me, it will haunt me. This, us, was getting out of control. I wasn't sent here for this, to focus on a man instead of my job. I knew I should have stopped it a long time ago, but God, I couldn't fucking help it.
And now he was here, holding me up when I never asked for it. I was a complete mess, broken and pathetic. Still, he was here.
Fuck, this was already way out of control.
I sniffed one more time and pulled back from him, avoiding his eyes. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have anything to be sorry for."
"Okay." I still felt sorry and embarrassed as well. How did I manage to lose it and bring him into my mess? It was probably very late, hence the darkness in the room. How was he not angry I interrupted his sleep?
Ghost exhaled. "You scared the shit out of me, Val."
I flinched and swallowed another apology. "It won't happen again."
"That is not what I meant. It's okay if it happens again, I'll be prepared next time." I didn't respond, we both knew there wasn't going to be a next time. There wasn't enough time for that. Ghost pulled my hair back from my face and searched my eyes, I wouldn't give them to him. "Valentina."
"Yes?"
"Look at me." I did. Fuck, he could tell me to commit the worst sin and I'd do it without a second thought. Ghost pulled the bottom of his mask under his nose and gently kissed my lips, my body tingled still not used to it. "You are so strong," he told me. "So brave."
I bit my trembling lip. His words had the desired effect on me.
"It was not your fault," he whispered, and my heart clenched. "That man is the only one who deserves the worst in life. Not you. Not your sister. So please, don't beat yourself up for something you didn't have any control over. It's fucking killing me."
I nodded my head. My feelings toward this topic suddenly changed, like a switch was turned off. He was right, I knew everything that came out of Ghost's mouth was right or else he wouldn't waste his breath on it.
"It was not your fault," Ghost said, holding my face in his hands again, face mere inches away and our breaths combining into one. "Say it."
"It was..." I gulped and waited for the wrongness in my next words, but there was none anymore. I inhaled and for the first time in years, I finally said it and meant it. "It was not my fault."
Ghost smiled softly. "That's my girl."
*ೃ༄
𝐓𝐎 𝐁𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐔𝐄𝐃...
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