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CHAPTER FORTY
lasts forever
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NOVAN
If I were to describe myself, I would've been the product of every ruin to ever exist. I am incomplete, untangled, and a mess; a person whose path strayed more than he anticipated to. I am not graceful either. I have no poise or mercy. I am violent and inconsiderate. Very undeserving of whatever concept of "love" there is that exists within this world and time.
Guns were my salvation. Killing was a norm. To feel empathy is suicide. And nothing inside me is made to live peacefully. I'm only here to exist.
But... have I ever wondered what made me like this?
"Vitre."
I stiffened before I went back to my senses. I almost forgot that I'm in the middle of a mayhem, placed meters from the actual war. And when I looked down from where I was stationed, I saw what lies beneath me - ruined civilization, blood, ashes, smoke, people begging to be freed, the antagonizing cries of children, and the product of this war. I can see all of it from here for I am situated above a high mountain with nothing in me but a weapon... a sniper.
"Vitre, you are commanded to shoot every running passerby. Carry on."
A sigh escaped from my lips. My eyes remained staring at the running civilians of the opposite country. I care less about what I kept hearing from our transmitting ear device. All I'm wary of are the kids and their families running away from us... from the soldiers.
My jaw clenched at the sight of it. I kept asking myself then; am I a soldier? Am I made to protect? Or made to destroy? Is this what I'm made for? Is this really my path? My destination?
Because... I don't think this isn't what soldiers do. We're not soldiers anymore. Soldiers are made to protect and serve, not used to destroy their own country. Yet, despite my pledge to protect this country, I can't really bear to end a life just to keep another.
"Are you in your section, Vitre? I command you to shoot."
I once again peeked at the running kids a few meters away from me. They are weeping while keeping each other close. Their holds were so firm, as if letting go of each other's hands will determine their death. Tears filled their faces, screams of terror escaped past their mouths, and yet, they never stopped running nor did they let go of each other.
I closed my eyes for a second.
No.
That's a child. That's a kid. They are a bunch of children that should've lived longer to be prosperous. That may be a young girl or boy with dreams to fulfill and hopes to live. I can't shoot them now, can I? I can't end whatever hopes they have to live. Who am I to do that?
"Vitre!"
My chest heaved. The sweat, tears, devastation, and unknown emotions swindled inside me as I held my weapon tightly. I didn't move, making my superior yell my name once more. It took me seconds, minutes, and another couple of it before I decided to bite my tongue and pull the trigger. And then a scream erupted into thin air, sending me relief when I saw that I missed and the scream came out from how I nearly shot the kid.
I closed my eyes then. My head finally cooled down from the fright. And when I opened my eyes again, I was greeted by a dark room with an old man in front of me.
"You were given one task, Vitre! One task and you failed it!" He shouted, though I can't seem to remember what it was about.
What mission did I actually fail? Kill the children? That's the mission, they say?
I didn't bother answering. I remained unnerving on my seat until he decided to dismiss and send me to another dark room. That was when I thought it was already alright, but then, I was stripped off of my clothes and left with nothing but my pants.
I was chained on all fours then. The little space of the room made it even more unbearable to breathe, but I remained nonchalant because there was nothing left or more for me to do but follow.
In that place, any emotion is prohibited. One emotion is enough to get you killed. Even sympathy or empathy will get you beheaded. That's why in my long stay inside the country, I never once showed anything... not even the affliction of killing innocent people or getting shot by heavy guns. Not even an ounce of emotion was seen from me.
"Vitre, you are one outstanding soldier. You carry on every task given to you except the one thing we were supposed to finish. With that, I apologize for this." Somebody said behind me, but when I was about to look back and answer, something brisk and hot passed through my back. It made my breathing hitched, and when I came to see what it was, all I saw was a huge chain hitting me countless times.
What I remember then is taking lashes after another lashes. It was a punishment for failing a mission. I was castrated for a complicated matter of not killing children.
My jaw clenched from the pain it brought, from the unbearable writhing of my skin. Back then, all I could do was endure it. Endure, suffer, and bleed, until I was no longer feeling anything but rage whilst pleading the world to wash the blood from my hands.
I had nightmares about everything. I woke up in the middle of the night, heaving deep breaths with my body aching from the countless punishments I received.
I also remember begging Him back then. It was so vivid seeing myself kneeling on the floor of my room, with my hands clasped, begging to take away the agony and remove me from the life I have. I do remember wanting to be saved, pleading for mercy, and praying that everything will end.
And maybe, by His grace, I was sent back home to Glee Sands for psychological reasons. Even if by that time, I had already lost all faith and I was no longer the man I used to be.
"Kuya, may pagkain dito. Baka gusto mong kumain?" Nigel, my little brother, looks like he's shyly urging me to eat when I pass by the kitchen of my house.
He was sent here to take care and look after me, which is ironic considering that he's a whole lot younger than I was. I should be the one taking care of them, but look at me now receiving a treatment from someone I owed a lot. Our mother even sent a lot of psychologists to get me "treated", but none of them remained alive for some reason.
Not that I killed them, but they were killed by people whom I can't even recognize - the organization, a past enemy of mine, an enemy of the family? I do not know. I only figured that it was intentional when it kept happening over and over. And so, I heightened the security around the island and firmly told my mother not to send anyone anymore unless she wants them dead.
But by heaven's plea, she is a really stubborn mother who took after our biological one. She said she wanted the best for me. She wanted me to live more, and not just stay within the walls of this house.
Now, what more can a son like me do but obey?
That's when she sent her then.
Her... of all people.
"Bouger est putain de inutile, intrus." Moving is fucking pointless, intruder. I darkly said without letting go of the woman who sneaked inside my house.
Upon feeling her presence a while ago, I am already determined to kill her for the reason that no sane person will enter somebody else's house! Who does she think she is?!
She groaned from my choke, "N-no! Non sono un intruso! Mi chiamo Solace e sono una psicoterapeuta! Sono stato mandato dall'IMI!" No! I am not an intruder! My name is Solace and I'm a psychotherapist! I was sent by IMI!"
My breathing hitched when she spoke in Italian. She was already panicking and screaming beneath my hold, but I wasn't the least bit convinced that she wasn't sent to kill me either. All people who entered here without permission were either casted away or killed. The same thing might happen to her and I can't let that happen!
"Chiudi quella fottuta bocca, Italiana!" Shut your fucking mouth, Italiana!
I tightened my grip whilst she gasped for air. My eyes pierced through her, but it wasn't even enough for me not to notice how innocent she looks beneath me.
She's wearing a simple sundress. Her fedora hat fell off the ground and it was enough for me to take a good look at her more. Although, she was struggling beneath me, it didn't minimize the beauty she has.
Her eyes are bambi-like. It looked like it reflects the radiance of the sun and light that every time I look at her, it feels like I'm looking up at the stars. Her lips are plump, and her nose is cute. It fitted her perfectly. Even her hair was beautiful, and I don't know what kind of charm she has but it almost made me pull back.
I shrugged. What the fuck am I doing?
"Putain qui es-tu? L'ambassade vous a-t-elle envoyé pour me tuer?! Ha! Ils sont audacieux d'avoir envoyé une femme même s'ils savent que je n'ai choisi aucun sexe à tuer!"
Who the fuck are you? Did the embassy send you to kill me? Ha! They're bold for sending a woman even when they know that I chose no gender to kill!
I tried to keep my composure, but fuck it. Who the fuck am I kidding? She is too ethereal to be a killer or a devil in disguise. She is too angelic for this. Too beautiful.
She groaned loudly, her body arched from my grip, and it almost sent shivers all over my body when I saw her closed her eyes tightly. She was almost crying and yet, I don't want to let go of her for my own safety.
"J-je..." She heaved for air, "Je suis ici... pour Antonov Novan Vitré ! P-s'il te plaît... laisse-moi p-partir!"
I'm here for Antonov Novan Vitre! P-please let me go!
My mind went blank as I let go of her. It wasn't because she recognized my name or knew my name or even how she pleaded, but it was by the way she said it. She said my name so softly even when she's struggling, as if my name is something she holds dear.
I groaned and was about to grab her again when she coughed out loud while trying to stand up. Her arms are flailing and her face was pale from how I gripped her neck that tightly. And it might be vague enough to say, but I can tell that she was about to pass out.
My jaw clenched from the thought, so I closed the little gap between us before scooping her off the floor and off my piano, making her weakly squirm away. I felt her hesitance and rage by then, but she was too weak to even fight me back.
Still, she tried to kick me until she lost all of her senses. I hissed and held her closer even when my skin is writhing whilst it touched hers. It was like a menace! To have her this close and even touching her!
What the hell is happening to me?
Not to tell that she's light as a fucking feather! Who in their right minds would try to fight back when they are this weak? Definitely only this woman!
"Fuck."
That very same day, I nursed her into one of my bedrooms. I didn't know if it was out of empathy or whatever emotion I have that I didn't kill her, but I really did nothing but watch her sleep throughout. It was until Nigel came.
"We'll lock her?" He asked me in disbelief.
I nodded, "She might look like an angel, but the devils look just the same."
"Paano kung ikandado mo na lang, kuya?"
"Ikandado?"
"Chains." He smirked.
My gaze sharpened, but I let him do what he wants as long as that woman stays still.
Nigel cringed at me for that, but went on to follow anyway. It was that day when I knew that she's the real thing as well. And yet, despite knowing her licenses and validity as a psychologist, I still can't bring myself to trust her.
Solace Cerilla. No matter how lovely that face and name is, it would be too dangerous for me to care.
Or will it be?
"Hey," She called out one day while holding a spoonful of what I let her cook, "Care to taste?"
My eyebrows furrowed from her behaviour. I told her to cook her own meals because I don't want to nurse her anymore, and neither do I want her to stay here. And now what? She's making me salivate from the smell of what she's fucking cooking and even have the audacity to make me taste it?
"How am I sure that it's not poisoned?" I raised a brow.
Her smile disappeared, but she quickly moved on from that by eating what she was about to feed me - which I suppose, is her way to tell me that nothing there is poisonous.
"Ayos na?" She sarcastically asked.
I groaned, but found myself standing up to close the gap between us. I even saw how her eyes leaped in bliss, which maybe resulted in how she didn't even let me hold the spoon she's holding. She fed me what she cooked all whilst I was looking directly at her face.
"Ayos ba?" She asked again, obviously wanting my approval.
I didn't answer and just left, but god fucking damn it, how can someone as angelic as her also have a heavenly cooking skill?
"Just eat. I'll bring you back to your room after," was all I said because I'm starting to get the feeling that if I ever look at that woman for another minute, I'd lose my wits.
And for fuck's sake, as days went by with her stubborn ass not leaving the house, I found myself releasing everything to Nigel!
"Nakakainis siya, kuya?" Nigel smirked at me.
I glared at him, "She is more than just a nag and a brat! How long are we going to nurse her? We have unwwanted visitors coming inside the house as well! You don't want her involved now, do you?"
He shrugged, "Sabi ko kasi sa'yo, matigas ulo niyan. Tamo, isang linggo na siyang nandito pero ayaw pa rin umalis? Mukhang may nakasalalay sa buhay niya para maging ganito katigas sa kabila ng pagpapahirap mo 'e."
I don't understand that much Tagalog, but I do get what he's pointing out. I may not know that woman that much, but to be able to hold your composure while doing all of this? She must've been holding onto something. I've been doing a lot of things just to harden my walls as well, but that woman keeps climbing it! She's so persistent it's making me irk more!
And it doesn't help that I'm starting to soften either.
"Cover your ears." I heaved my breath while keeping her close to me, protecting her from the intruders utmost.
I tried my best not to burst from her stubbornness. I remember telling her not to fucking go out, but she still did and almost fucking naked at that! I knew the moment I saw her that she went outside to take a swim, defying my orders in the process and bringing herself to danger only if I wasn't here!
But that's not what I'm worried about. I'm more worried about our space, about how close we are, and how she's looking up at me as if she's trying to find answers by looking at my face so all I did is stare down at her. I wanted her to look at me and realize herself that she had done it this time.
She had done it. She had completely made me worry for her.
"What... what is th - AHH!" Upon hearing the exchanging of bullets inside the house, she completely shriveled inside my chest. Her hands went to pull my suit, and it made me almost stiffen when I felt her shaking and shivering.
I don't know if it was from the fright or cold, but all I found after is how I covered her with the coat I'm wearing. My arms flailed to keep her inside my embrace, to soothe her fright, and take her away from there, but then again, who am I to do that?
That's when I dropped my arms. Maybe being beside her is all I can do because I may be nonchalant, but I'm not completely heartless. Yet, I admit, her scream erupting into thin air stirred something inside me. It was as if I was called to protect her all of a sudden, and not do anything in my power to scare her like that.
Fuck. What is happening to me?
"Clear." I heard Nigel said over our transmitting devices and so, it became my cue to look at her once again.
"I told you to stay inside." I said with such warning in my tone, making her somewhat stupefied in place.
"What... what is happening?" Her lips quivered while asking. Confusion is all over her face as well, which made me ponder even more about the fact that it's worrying me.
I shrugged it silently.
"You don't need to know. Just be aware that your presence here might alter things. And you will be left with no choice but to either die or keep yourself alive." I said before pulling her up in one swift move.
What I did completely made her stood up despite her woggly legs. Yet, as much as I want to carry her, I don't want her to depend too much on me. And maybe she sensed it when she just gathered strength from the wall near us before looking at me with such an unreadable... and confused expression at the same time.
"Just remember what I told you multiple times," I continued to say, "I don't need your help, Dr. Cerilla. I am saner than what those fuckhats told you."
Yes. I am saner than what they told you, but definitely insane with you.
I heaved a deep breath whilst my mind replayed the expression Solace displayed in front of me. She was frightened, trembling, and confused as to what was happening. And it's fucking me over.
That very same expression is delving inside my heart, perturbing my mind with the mere image and thought of it.
"Fuck." I hissed.
Days went on and on. Her company made my walls smither little by little, but I was still compliant in making myself safe back then. I don't want to go through another heartbreak or anything that could shatter my life. I only wanted the happiness and will to live furthermore which for some reason...
"Are you alright, Novan? You were having a panic attack this morning."
I heaved a deep breath before adjusting my sight to the person beside me. She looks worried and almost tired, but it didn't erase the concern in her face.
Then, I closed my eyes momentarily before pushing her over my own bed. At the back of my mind lies the thought that I'm harassing her, but my embarrassment and irritation overwhelmed it.
Fuck. How long have she been inside my room? How long have she seen the state of my messy space? Isn't she the least bit fazed by how my room looked like?
It looks like trash!
Much to my anticipation, she's calm and it honestly didn't help.
"Calm down, Novan. I'm not here to hurt you." She softly uttered, even with my arms pinning her shoulders down and my weight above her.
Aren't you scared of me, Solace?
I wanted to ask, but diverting the matter felt like an accurate response.
"Anong ginagawa mo sa loob ng kwarto ko?" I tried to sound mad, hoping that any sip of softness didn't slip through.
"Y-you experienced a panic attack. Nigel asked me to help. We couldn't find your medicine. I have no choice but to make you sleep." She stared back at me.
And she stuttered. Her sentences summarized everything as well, and it didn't sound like her. She usually explains everything except when she's panicking but now...
Did I scare her? Will she give up on me now?
The question sent shivers down my spine.
"You really love interfering with things that doesn't concern you..." I sharpened my gaze, "Bakit ba ayaw mong tumigil? Bakit ang tigas ng ulo mo?"
Why aren't you stopping? Why do you look so concerned about someone who keeps pushing you away?
"Because it's my job."
"To interfere?"
"To see if you're really the sane person you told me you are." She bit back.
Fuck. I am sane, Cerilla. I'm only losing my wits because of you.
I scoffed before teasing and threatening her a little bit, just like I always do. But just like always as well, Solace Cerilla is not a woman of threats. She's someone you can't control and get ahold of. And maybe... just maybe...
"Inalagaan ka niya magdamag, kuya."
A few days after my panic attack, Nigel told me those out of nowhere.
I stared at him, confused, "What?"
"Si Solace kamo. Inalagaan ka no'n magdamag nang inatake ka."
I almost stopped stirring my coffee but I'm grateful my hand didn't. Instead, my heart did almost stop for some reason.
What the fuck was that?
"So? That's her job." I said, hiding my composure.
"Sus. Pabebe." Nigel laughed out loud before leaving but what he said replayed on my mind for weeks.
My plan to tease and threaten her looked like it backfired to me. Although, it was indeed her job to take care of me and make a diagnosis of her own, I still felt like I wasn't worth getting that treatment after everything I have done. And yet, there she is giving me almost everything I never asked for.
"Are you sure that you don't really like your 'maid', Anton?" Logan, an old friend, asked me while we're busy watching Solace and Dahlia from a distance.
I cocked a brow at him, "What made you think so?"
"I'm just a man myself, Anton. And maybe because of my experience in the field of investigating." He clicked his tongue, "And I bet I'm right. You do enjoy her company."
I didn't bother answering. None of the men with me also decided to tick me off about it and I'm grateful for that because if they do, I might lose my mind as well.
Still, I also wondered how did Logan make such speculation. Knowing him, he won't release a statement not based solely from his facts and it's making me ponder as well how am I so bothered about it.
Do I like Solace? Do I like her as a therapist? Or as a woman?
I haven't figured out. Or am I indenial?
"Pwede ba ako lumabas? Kasama ko si Nigel. May bibilhin lang sa bayan do'n sa likod. Ayos ka lang dito mag-isa 'di ba?"
My nerves almost twitched looking at Sol's bambi eyes staring up at me as she asked those. It was twinkling with hope, like she's making me affirm to what she wanted only with that kind of look on her.
And who in the world would resist that look?
"Bahala ka." I said before turning on my back. I even saw how her eyes sparkled and oddly, it made my lips curve as I slept.
I woke up with the sound of someone calling my name. It honestly made my whole nerve explode knowing that the last thing I want is to get disturbed in my sleep, but when I discerned who it was who's calling for me... my insides calmed on.
Grunting, I opened my eyes before directing them towards hers, "I told you not to enter my room. Are you deaf and stupid?"
She smiled widely, "Well, dinner is ready. Nagluto ako ng paborito mo..."
Aside from what she said after, it felt like my ears have gone deaf for a moment before I brought back my composure.
"I don't need it nor want it." I scoffed immediately.
"But I cooked it. Surely, hindi mo ko tatanggihan 'di ba? Sa ganda kong 'to?" She chuckled.
And heavens...
I scoffed while still hiding the fact that I felt extremely delightful, "Get out."
Her face crumpled but she stood up, "Pero bababa ka para kumain 'di ba? Sayang 'yung luto namin atsaka pangit matulog nang hindi kumakain."
"Get out, Solace." I remained cold.
Disappointment was written all over her face as I said that. She went extremely silent before she followed my commands. And I listened to it. I listened to her footsteps disappear after she closed the door of my room. It made me somehow guilty, but I have to say that as well. Before I lose my mind here.
I sighed heavily while containing myself after. I thought hardly and deeply if I should follow her downstairs and eat or take my walls into consideration and sleep again. It took me minutes to weigh everything and after that, I found myself listening to the conversation of her and my little brother.
She's allergic to tomatoes... but she cooked my favorite viand with tomatoes on. Just how selfless can she be for doing so?
I groaned silently before sighing and again, I found myself joining her for dinner. For multiple times in a row, I was battling my own inner thoughts; my want for safety, my walls, and her. It felt like a cacophony inside my head.
Should I allow her to do those? Should I go with her flow? Or should I be in her flow?
"Kung ako kasi sa'yo, kuya, babaan mo konti 'yung pader mo." Nigel pat my back one time when we're the only ones left in the kitchen.
"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.
"What I mean is you might need to get yourself comfortable or let yourself be happy, kuy. You don't have to live inside your head or inside the misery of your past. You have to... move forward no matter how hard it may get. Especially now that you look like you enjoy somebody's company."
Momentarily, I stared at him. I've known this young man for a long time for me not to notice that he only uses English as his medium whenever he's serious. And I wasn't entirely wrong, his voice and face looked really serious and unnerving as I stared at him.
I didn't answer, but I do understand what he's trying to imply and I do know that he's not naive enough not to notice how tolerable and soft I've gotten ever since Solace came.
And I proved myself right by that the moment that I went to roam with her around my island. It was the first time I went out of the house to visit the local and only Solace have done so much in making me agree in doing so. I started paying her back after that.
It felt like a responsibility to me to do the things she had done to me. So, little by little, I started doing the things she mentioned she would love me to do. I started going out, talking more, and hanging out with her outside the house.
It made me so happy. Although, I'm still anxious what I will pay for this happiness, it made me yearn not to end it by all means. I craved the happiness... with her.
And somehow, I'm thankful that she climbed my walls to do so because now that I'm looking at her whilst she's wandering by the shore, I have felt so sure of something for once.
"Novan!" She called out while showing me the seashells she had been picking by the seaside. The sun behind her is bidding its farewell and her smile as she looked back at me after finding a beautiful seashell made everything so entrancing.
My heart stopped at that moment. I needed to blink a few times from what happened before heaving a deep breath.
Para akong nawala sa sarili saglit. Saglit... only for a moment even though it felt like forever.
"Ang ganda ng mga 'to." I heard her murmur even more while I'm following her around the shore.
I'm not that dismissive not to notice the stares she's getting as well, but I can't blame them. She embodies the perfect definition of "captivating", someone you'll glance for a second only to glance back longer than the first.
And like the sun, she's beaming. Her eyes smile warmly with her lips, her hair sways like it has its own freedom, and she moves slowly with poise. In my eyes, she resembled the waves by the shore, the sun setting down to end, and the warm hues encircling the horizon - beautiful and too beguiling.
As I looked at her, I couldn't help but see myself in the kindness her heart has and the innocence she displays. She was like me before. Kind, always sees the good in everything, and peers at life like it's the most beautiful thing in the world.
That's when I knew I had to protect her. I don't want her to walk on the same path as mine. I don't want that smile to disappear. I don't want her... to fall in the same ruins where I stood before I met her.
"Sir Antonov...?"
I calmly stood by my staff as we entered the restaurant that Solace had been eyeing for a while now. And when I looked back at her, I almost got overly worried at the surprised reaction on her face whilst she's staring at everyone inside the restaurant.
She maybe haven't known that everyone inside this island is either a conglomerate of ours or a close relative. That explains why some of them are looking bizarrely at her especially now that she's with me.
"What do you want?" I looked at Solace.
"Um... seafood stew and oven-baked garlic crab." She almost murmured those.
"How about drinks?"
"Bacardi wil-."
"No liquors." I immediately cut her off.
I saw her lips almost puckered, "Then pinya colada will do."
I nodded, "I'll get two of the dishes she wants. Add buttered shrimp, three serves of rice, and a bowl of crispy squid. Don't charge it for free. She wants to treat me."
The staff nodded, a ghost of smile past through her lips and I know that smile too well.
They're happy to see me here... with someone by my side for the first time.
"Your change will be given after the meal, Ma'am. Thanks for dining here." The staff bowed politely before gesturing us to our table.
I let Solace walk first before following. All eyes were on us as we were doing so, and I can't blame them. Solace is a beauty to behold that even she had me captivated the first time I met her.
I can feel her uneasiness alongway though and as much as possible, I wanted to erase that feeling from her. I knew she felt uneasy from the gazes and extremely uncomfortable by their approach, but it's making me irk more that some men around the restaurant have been audaciously showing how they're lusting over her.
She was covered and merely dressed in a way that most tourists in a beach will have dressed, so why are they gazing with such pathetic emotion within their eyes?
I groaned as my gazes sharpened at their directions, one by one, until no one was looking anymore. I did that discreetly before we took a seat.
"Hey, why are they staring at me like that?" Solace turned to me immediately as soon as we owned our seats.
I almost gaped at her because fuck... can't she hold herself accountable for the beauty she has? That's what they're staring at!
"You're dealing with psychology. Cant you decipher that?" I teased instead of telling the truth.
She cussed me in response, which somehow created a small teasing argument between us. And it would be extremely not normal for me to say how adorable she looks when she's pissed. She looked like an angry kitten with paws and fangs showing.
"Do you... like the island, Solace?" I asked. At the back of my mind lies the idea that if this woman ever says that the island is beautiful, I will often take her here. As much as she wants to.
And she did. She said, with such happiness in her eyes, how the island made her forgot her purpose of healing me. The island became her own solace and its beauty was a dream come true.
Ironically, as its owner, I took her feelings to heart. And that alone made me tell her the history of Glee Sands' beauty.
From the way my father named it Las Enamorada in honor of the woman he once loved, Avara, and to my mother, Niara, who passed away from an illness. And to the way I named it Glee Sands after I was told to name it after what I yearn the most; happiness.
I told her everything whilst she gladly listened to me. But I saw how at the back of her eyes, there was surprised and the look to achieve something. It made me extremely anxious that I might've vented something out of the ordinary and so, that night, I apologized sincerely.
Given her attitude, she was more than surprised and compliant to tell that there was nothing to apologize for. It made me assured enough only until she asked me to sleep with her.
My heart tumbled like a wildfire was chasing it. And strangely, it was nothing like I ever felt before. Not even in the war nor my past girlfriend. Nothing. It just raced quicker than everything.
But still, I found myself agreeing... affirming... and wanting what she wants.
I slept with her in one room. And unlike the nights where my mind is filled with dreams of my agony, that night was extremely filled with serenity. It was peaceful, silent, and comforting. The idea that she was with me made me relaxed and nobody knows why... not even myself.
I woke up beside a pillow, of course. I expected it knowing that Solace love waking up early to cook sometimes. It became her routine, but still... it made me somehow disappointed that I wasn't able to wake up with her.
I don't even know why I should feel this way, but I have a tangled idea of why and I'm gladly accepting it.
When I first met her, she was the very embodiment of persistence. She doesn't know limits and boundaries. She'll keep pestering you even if it means getting herself in danger.
She's compassionate and courageous, one of the things I didn't know I would admire the most.
Her smile made my heart forget how to beat and when it did, it beat as two. One for myself and one for her.
God. She made me live and breathe again, and then took the same breath away whenever she looked at me.
That's how I knew. That's how I felt that my heart just knew it.
"Don't go..." I whispered after seeing Solace in front of me.
I'm aware that I've drank a few cups and I'm not that sober, but seeing Solace turning her back on me made me almost jump out.
"I won't leave..." Her next words sounded like a blur, but her assurance calmed me.
"I don't need it. Don't go..."
I don't even recognize my own voice. I was just pleading while holding onto her. I was afraid that once I let go, she'll disappear like how I wanted to the first time we met.
She said something, but I was too compliant to my wants. I knew I wasn't drunk and I want her beside me. Yet, as much as I don't want to force her, I found myself wanting her presence alongside mine. Just that and I'll feel at ease.
I was subtle. I don't want her to think that I'm too possessive or I want her all to myself even when I do think like that. Because as much as I want her alone, I still want her to be free of herself since that's the woman I first met.
She is a woman of solace and mayhem at once, but a woman of freedom and peace for me. Me, who once considered myself a ruin whom she found a paradise in.
Over the ruins, there's a paradise. And she was mine, because over each misery and ruins I have, she was there standing and waiting for me... patiently.
"Surely, a bloodbath won't happen here, right?" I ignored her other sentiments that day because I can't lie to her.
The least I could do is keep her safe and the one thing I want the most is to protect her from any harm. That's why the moment that Nigel contacted about the suspicious people roaming around our house, I immediately kept ourselves on guard.
I wasn't entirely wrong that they will strike the moment they find out that I am not sober. That's what they had expected and observed from the distance maybe, but I am always one step ahead.
I knew that those people never disappeared. The threat under my name is here, and not because I'm enjoying life with Solace doesn't mean they're gone forever.
They will come back and will keep coming back for me. That is until I'll eradicate them all while protecting the woman I'm slowly devoting myself for.
But why can't fate be with me sometimes?
The sight of her at the side of my bed, bleeding and pale, made me just as petrified. She was shot, but she managed to smile at me like it was nothing. She tried assuring me that everything is fine, that she's fine, and she can hold on, but I was so scared to lose her that I almost lost my wits contacting everyone I can. She held on much longer until she couldn't. And when she closed her eyes, it felt like I couldn't move, it felt like I was reminded who I am, and it felt like I will lose someone again because I was destined to doom after everything.
"Solace..." I softly whispered while keeping her close to me, embracing her tightly while feeling her pulse. It was that moment where I felt so much fear than before.
I was angered and frightened that even Salveste who drove the private airline was almost shot by me. My mother who fetched me almost broke down upon seeing my state. And I was relentless. No one was spared from the kind of fear and rage I'm feeling as they tried keeping her stable.
"I'm coming!" I stormed my way out while they're bringing her inside the plane.
Nigel immediately stopped me, "Kuya! You know you'll get admitted inside the facility if you leave the island!"
"Who the fuck cares, Nigel? My therapist was shot! I will come with her!" I urged them up to the point that not even my mother can stop me.
"Hijo, we have a contract." She calmly stood before me at that moment.
They all tried stopping me from leaving but fuck...
"Ma, I love her..." I confessed, "I don't care if you get me admitted, but just this once, let me come with her. Let me be with her only until she's fine. After that, I'll get that treatment you want. I'll let you contain me. I'll stay away from her and let her live. But just this once, let me be with her, Ma."
With bared fist, I stared at the disbelief carved on my mother's face as I said those. She was surprised and unnerving, and even more stunned when I didn't wait for her answer. I walked past her before running towards where they took Solace. I went with her... even if it's for the last time.
That time, I wished, hoped, and prayed. With clasped hands and fright within me, I prayed to Him that she'll live more, that she has to breathe the same air as mine even if it meant to say that I have to disappear from her life. I prayed endlessly with blood on my hands and clothes even when my faith in Him had disappeared for ages already.
"Please..." I whispered, "I caused so much chaos. I disrupted the peace she has just because I exist, and I can't bear to see her in that state just because she's close to me either."
I'd rather have her far away from me to keep her safe rather than stay close and be in danger. So, please... I'm begging you. Please keep her safe, well, and alive. Please. Even at the expense of my own happiness, keep her alive.
My own plea broke my heart, but if it's for her, I'll do anything, I'll give up everything, and I'll take nothing.
That's maybe how much I... love her.
And God... the heavens granted me my wish. She turned out finer, which is what brought me to agree to the contract of getting myself admitted after that. I agreed to be contained by the institution she's working for... so, she can live more in peace.
"Is this really the right decision for you, Anton?" Mother, the head of IMI, asked me.
I hesitated for a second, but I nodded. There's no turning back on this. If it means keeping myself healed and keeping her safe, I'll sacrifice everything for it.
"You really are just like your father." She smiled half-heartedly before people in white garbs took me inside a white room.
I stayed there for days. Different people examined me. Different people keep me chained. Different people desperately tried to get something on me, but I remained silent even when a familiar face was assigned as my doctor.
"Do you remember me, Nov?" Freya, my ex-girlfriend, smiled at me.
I didn't answer. I treated her just like the other ones and it would've been kept that way only if Mother didn't notify me about Solace's interference and wants to be my doctor again.
I smiled when she told me what happened because that's exactly how I imagined Solace to react and what I imagined her to do. She is, after all, a one persistent woman and that's one thing I love about her.
But the thing is, she has to stay away from me for her own safety as well. It has to stay that way, but why the hell is she so persistent even when I was obviously pushing her away? Why is she born not to give up even when she's hurt? What's making her desperately heed to this situation of ours even when it's costing her a lot?
Why do I have to use other people to hurt you for you to stay away, Solace?
"When they silenced her, I felt like killing everyone inside that room. But who am I to react like that when I hurted her first, Ma? I hurted her the way she would've never done to me, and that's what I'm most guilty and hurt about as well. It was really antagonizing." I said.
"You loved a woman of great stature. That's what you'll pay for." Mother smiled at me after I told her how I tried to get rid of Solace during our first session, how I told everyone that it was Freya on the painting and not her, and how I showed her disinterest when in fact, I wanted to keep her all to me.
"I loved a good woman, Mom." I whispered, "Too good for me."
"No, you brat," She shrugged, "You're just too afraid to face the things you've been running away from and too frightened that she'll leave you for it just because she's not safe."
I scoffed, my eyes just went to stare at the paintings inside her office.
"But how many times have you seen her throw away herself so many times for you, Anton? Countless? Once? Twice? Because as what I can see, that woman loves you as well. Not only as her patient, but as a man." She chuckled.
I blinked simultaneously, "Mom, that will give me delusions."
"Exactly the point, my dear. But that's how I see it. What matters here is how you see it and how you'll weigh the odds in your favor. Do you really want her to stay away? If not, then follow what you want instead."
Mother's words repeated inside my head for days until I found myself coming back to her, yearning for more, wanting her more, loving her more than I do before... and more than I planned to do so.
"If you love her so badly, I have a concrete plan for that. All you have to do is go back as Freya's fiance-."
"No." I firmly said as soon as my Mother opened up the matters we have to solve in IMI in order for me to live more peacefully than I do now.
"Let me finish, Anton." She cleared her throat before standing up from her chair.
"You will become her fiance for security because as far as I am concerned, they are behind the people who killed your doctors before. And I'd like you to keep that thought at bay while protecting Dr. Cerilla and extracting this plan."
"How is Solace related here, Ma?" My eyebrows almost cinched.
She smirked, "I told you that you love a woman of great stature, didn't I? Well, let me tell you that Solace was really the one who gave me that idea before... years ago actually. It was when she lost a patient. She knew what was behind it... even when she had no evidence because she knew her patients. She has a keen eye and a sharp skill in connecting things. She may have looked naive to you, but she is more than you anticipated to be, Novan."
"Now, are you ready to extract this plan and be with Dr. Cerilla again?" Mother smiled, making me realize just how much of a fool I've made myself.
I sighed and gaped, still undecided, but determined. And when I connected all the dots, I turned to her...
"You know my answer, Ma," I smiled, "If it's for Solace, I will never refuse. That's how much I love her."